Suppressed Memories - Tamasin

When I was a little girl, about 7-8yrs old, I lived with my family in a big old house. We used to have boarders stay with us. They were all Scientologists. At the time I didn't really know what this meant. These people that stayed with us often came from abroad; I know some of them were from South Africa. Although I don't remember any of their names, I can still picture some of their faces, and they were so friendly and good to have around.

Our house was always full of people; my aunt lived with us and an uncle (my Fathers twin brother). My mother wasn't my real Mother, but she was to me, I loved her with all my heart. I also had two younger brothers .As you can imagine it was quite a hectic household. At the time there were always lots of new and strange words being said, I say strange because I didn’t hear these words outside of my home, except when I started going to St. Hill.
The first time I remember going to St. Hill (at least I think it was the 1st time) I met LRH; he was coming along the drive in his car. He stopped and chatted to us; he smiled a lot and was very friendly. When he drove off, my dad told me 'what an important man he was.' What did I know, I idolised my Dad and if he told me 'he was an important man' then that was the truth, wasn't it?
 
 
I found St. Hill fascinating, all the grounds, the huge manor house and other buildings. And as a child I remember thinking 'wow, this LRH must be as important as I had been told. What I found very strange, when going through the buildings were all these people hooked up to e-metres, I used to stare, wondering what on earth they were doing. To me it seemed a very strange thing to be doing. I couldn't understand any of it. Slowly I just accepted that that’s what happened at St. Hill, but it did play on my mind that I didn’t' see anything like it anywhere else.
 
 
Like kids do I used to listen in on adult conversation quite a lot. One such conversation played on my mind a bit. That when you died, you dropped your body and went and found a new body to inhabit (I didn't know the word thetan then). At school I’d learnt that if you died, you were dead. That was it.
 
 
This caused me a fair bit of conflict. At the time one of my brothers had been stung by a bee, I was aware that if you got stung some people died as a reaction. My brother wouldn't stop screaming, I was very upset and was crying, convinced he would die and go and be somebody else. I didn't want him to be anyone else. I wanted him to stay being him.
 
 
Our parents didn't know what the hell was going on. My brother and I cried ourselves to sleep wrapped around one another and I prayed with all my might he would be ok, it was such a relief to find him alive in the morning. I know this might seem really silly to some, but it's important to show how a child's mind works when faced with things they don't understand, also it's all relevant to my story as a whole.
 
 
When my youngest brother was born I overheard a conversation that talked about a thetan entering my baby brother’s body. Someone that was dead had gone into my brothers body. WHAT! Someone famous had died at the time and my Dad seemed to think it would be great if that person was my baby bro. I didn't swear in those days but I would have done had I known how to. I really didn't like the idea at all .I put it out of my mind, but sometimes it bothered me a bit. I loved both of my brothers very much and in many ways was like a second little Mummy to them.
 
But sometimes I heard some strange stuff that I really did not understand at all
 

 
Being so young, parts of our life at this point are a little hazy. It was a long time ago. My Father was at St Hill much of the time and my Mum had all the boarders to look after. When I wasn't caring for my brothers, I would roam the grounds of house which was large including a field, a wonderful playground. I was at my happiest there.
 
 
The first time I met Mary sue was on the steps of the manor house, she was so nice and reminded me of a movie star, a real lady. I was in awe of her, at the time.
 
When Hubbard came back from Rhodesia, the excitement at St. Hill was incredible, everyone was rushing about preparing for his arrival, some coaches of scienos had gone to meet him at the airport and those left behind had wanted to be there too. I can only describe the atmosphere as electric!
 
 
I know I am missing bits out here, but I’m struggling to put the pieces of the jig-saw in order.
 
 
Suddenly our world was turned upside down, Bam! The scieno boarders all had to go, and we had to move. We were homeless. I never knew why, until recently. Apparently, the electric bill had been so high, owing to all the boarders using so many heaters that my parents couldn't afford to pay the bill. The electric was cut off. We stayed in a hotel for a couple of nights, then at my Mums parents’ house. The next thing I knew my Mum, brothers and myself were living in a small granny annexe next to a large house, set in large grounds just outside East Grinstead. My Dad didn't come with us, I didn't understand.
 
 
The house was full of scientologists; two sisters from America ran the house, Mary and Betty. Everyone was so nice and made us feel really welcome. My Mum at this time learnt she was pregnant again, where the hell was my father. It was a very difficult time especially for my Mum; she had the three of us to look out for and had to work to support us. She used to work nights, cleaning and I looked after the boys .Luckily I had the support of the scieno household right on the doorstep.
 
 
We got on well with everyone and I spent a lot of my time in the main house with them. Bo Johnson lived there, Karen Black, a matador from Spain called Ernie, a really big man called Bob and numerous other people came and went, whose names I don't recall. There was also a family with a son called Mike, he was about my age.
 
 
After awhile I was informed my Dad had gone to live with another woman, who he married. I thought this was pretty odd because I’d always thought my Mum and Dad were married.
 
 
For heating we only had an oil burning heater, before my Mum had left for work she'd told me not to try and move it. The room was so tiny and at the time I was always doing cartwheels and the like, it was in the way. Anyway I tried to move it and the next thing I knew the rug was on fire. Frightened the hell out of me, fortunately I stomped all over it really quickly and managed to put it out. I poured water on it for good measure and was very relieved. I went and got Mary from next door for support. I was so scared; my brothers were asleep in the next room. It didn't bare thinking about what could have happened.
 
 
As I’ve already said the main house was full of scientologists, somewhere between 15-20 people in total. They were all really good people, I liked them all. One in particular was Ernie (Uncle Ernie I used to call him) he was a matador. He had his full matador costume with him and it was fantastic to see him dressed up with his red cape pretending to tease a bull. I didn't like the idea of him killing bulls but it was a real treat to watch him performing. He also was a black belt in martial arts, which I thought that was really cool. He used to show me various moves (I was quite the tomboy back then). Sometimes I would go into his room and he would stand behind me and position my arms and legs in various poses. This was all good fun, but then he kept touching my bottom and make out it was a mistake. Also because I’d just started developing, he would comment on it. Being very naive I didn't really pay much attention, I was 9, about to turn 10.
 
 
One night I was in the main house watching TV with about ten other people, the lights were switched off, so it was dark I often sat near to or on Ernie’s lap and all of a sudden I felt Ernie’s' hand in side my shorts. I jumped in the air and told him not to do that Everyone shot up, the lights went on and Mary asked me to repeat what I had just said, which I did. I said “he often tried to touch me in that area".
 
I was told to go home, funnily enough more upset that I had to miss the rest of TV. The next morning was quite strange; Betty came and said she was taking me out for the day. I can't remember where we went, but we went to a market and she bought me a couple of dresses and a few other things. We also had a Chinese meal. I felt like royalty being treated so.
 
 
It wasn't until the following day I realised Ernie was not there anymore. When I asked "What happened to him, why hadn't he even said Goodbye" I was told "he had, had to go away in a hurry and how sorry he was not to say goodbye". At the time I was upset by this, in my innocence I felt betrayed because he'd left without saying goodbye. Nothing was ever said about it again and I was about 15yrs old before I realised what had happened. I felt even more betrayed then as I realised he hadn't been my friend at all.
 
 
Christmas 66, money was very tight, but our Mother who was very resourceful and good at crafts, collected some branches and tied bassets allsorts all over the branches as a Christmas tree. It was lovely. Over Christmas Mum took us to visit Dad with his new wife. I didn't realise it then, but that must have been awful for her.
 
 
Early 67 our baby sister was born, she was beautiful. It was a good job too, because I think with all the upheaval and work, it took its toll on Mum. I'm pretty sure she was born at home, both my brothers had been and strangely I remember their births far more clearly. Some one on here talked about barley water, I do remember talk of it back then(barley water) but I couldn't tell you if our sister had it or not. I do know we drank lemon barley water.
 
 
Our Mum still continued to work evenings and I had the job of looking after the boys and baby, if I needed a hand there was always help next door. One day I was walking home from school and Betty pulled up in a taxi and told me "to get in". I could tell something was wrong by her face. Our little sister had died. She was only 3 months old; Our Mum was at the hospital. It was the first I had encountered death, and it was a horrible feeling. I was very upset when I saw our Mum, she looked numb. It was so sad. I think it was a cot death, breathing difficulties.
 
 
The funeral service was held at St. Hill in the chapel. The chapel was packed with people, although now all I can see is a sea of faces. I know our Mum was there and Dad, Mary and Betty. All that really stuck in my mind was this tiny white coffin on a plinth, on the coffin was a little gold plaque with her name on it. I'd never seen Mum so upset and I knew there was no making it better.
 
 
Things were never the same from then on; Mum was quiet and obviously grieving. The eldest of my brothers did everything he could to annoy me, the youngest one was much quieter, not too mischievous yet and I missed my Dad so much. Everyone next door rallied round to help and cheer us up. I don't know whether it was my age or the circumstances, but I didn't always get on with Mum any more and decided I was running away to find my Dad.
 
 
I left one evening late with a huge suitcase and stayed in the woods at the back behind the house, it was quite a distance, and the case was heavy. I went to sleep, then in the middle of the night I felt a dog licking my face and a policeman telling me to wake up. I was determined I wasn't waking up and pretended unconsciousness. Of course I was taken home. Mike had told where I was.
 
 
Everything just went from bad to worse at home and then one day my Dad came and told me he was going away and wouldn't be back for a long time. He was going on a ship to join the Sea org. I was heartbroken and cried and cried. I asked why I couldn't go with him. He said “he would look into it, but was doubtful". The next time I saw him it was arranged, we were going to live on a ship, the Royal Scotsman.
 
 
The flight to North Africa was very exiting, I had never been on a plane before & it was scary but good. On arrival, it was a real eye opener. It was so hot & to see people dressed in robes, turbans & woman wearing burkahs was very strange. It was so colourful and reminiscent of stories I’d heard in school in the bible. It was as if I’d been transformed into another world.
 
 
We arrived at the ship & went on board. We were ushered into an office where contracts had to be signed. I think my Father must have already signed his because I was the one presented with a contract. It said 'I had to sign for a billion years'. My Father was quite concerned and queried this as I was only 10yrs old. We were told "sign, or get off the ship". We discussed this; I told my Dad “nothing mattered as long as I could be with him".
 
 
So I signed. I never really thought about it at the time, I did want to be with my Dad and I couldn't of imagined a billion years if I tried. I was lucky enough to be allocated a cabin which I shared with another girl Janis whom I had already met previously at St Hill. We got on really well and she was to be my best friend while I was there. (I say lucky, because it was some time before I saw the dormitories where most of the crew slept & they were cramped and horrible compared to the cabins.)
 
 
At first not much was expected of me and I would wonder about the ship, sometimes doing small jobs for people or watching the local traders on the dock selling their wares. This provided endless fun as they would squabble amongst one another to get anyone to buy something from them. If any crew went down the gang plank they were mobbed by these sellers, it was very difficult to get away without buying something. If no one left the ship they (traders) would call up trying to coax someone down.
 
 
I had watched Janis, Suzette and another girl Claire running round as messengers & I wanted to do this too. One day while LRH was walking round the decks he came over to me & said "I hear you want to be a messenger, you’re a little young but how about we give it a go". I was thrilled at the time and said "Thankyou". He burst into laughter and repeated "Thankyou" 3 times in all, laughing all the time. I didn't know what was so funny, but it certainly amused him.
 
 
I liked being a messenger; it gave me a sense of purpose. Everyone on the ship was so friendly at the beginning. Clearing the planet' was a term I often heard and it seemed like a good thing. Helping people, helping the world, & I’m sure I can speak for everyone on that ship at that point in time, which is what they thought they were doing-Helping mankind.
 
 
The children were expected to attend school about three times a week for 2-3 hours. I don't remember how many children in total there were but a fair few of us. School consisted of a scientology work sheet and a dictionary. I only remember going about 3 times, once I was a messenger school was over.
 
 
Most messenger work while I was there consisted of running errands, taking all mail in my in-tray up to LRH, following him around when he strolled the decks. I had to carry an ashtray for his cigarette ash. Sometimes a shift could be really boring sitting in semi dark outside his office waiting for an errand. Often in the evenings was difficult to keep my eyes open. I got on quite well with LRH, he was quite patient with me, & often told me" to be at ease" as I always stood to attention, even when it wasn't necessary.
 
 
I didn't get to see my Dad as often as I would have liked, we went on 'Libs'(a day off) once a week at first, that was great fun. One day I spent all day trying to find my Dad, I never actually knew where he worked on the ship. I couldn't find him and no one I asked seemed to know where he was either. Eventually late in the evening he found me and said" if it happened again, I was to leave a message for him & he would find me.
 
 
Everything was so new to me & there was always so much going on, new people arrived daily & it was a time of great excitement, but some things were about to change & they were not good.
 
 
I’ve been thinking about my family much of the time, lately.
 
It reminded me of a time I was on the bridge (Royal Scotsman).
LRH asked me, 'How I liked being a messenger' (or words to that effect).
I said "I did like my job (hat as the term would of been), but I missed my family".
 
He replied with ‘your family will be fine, you need to concentrate on the group',
He looked irritated with me. At the time it caused me great conflict, I kept thinking
"How can family not be important" after all this was a 'father' talking wasn't it?
 
Aged 11yrs - Utterly 'CONFUSED'
 
Now-Totally 'Pissed Off'
 
How can anyone say 'FAMILY' isn't 'IMPORTANT!
 
'FAMILY' and FRIENDS are the 'MOST IMPORTANT'
 
In fact I’d say 'THEY' are more 'IMPORTANT' than anything else in the world!
 
Unless you’re in a CULT.
 
 
So far much of my story is full of the horrors of life on board the Apollo, and that is how it was.
 
 
Friendships were formed during these times that were truly lasting. You never forget the people that meant so much to you when going through hard times, I remember them like it was yesterday and there will always be a soft spot in my heart for some of the friends I made on the ship.
 
 
One friend in particular, well actually two kept me going through a very tough ordeal. Two of us were in the cargo hold in a condition of liability.
 
In Scientology there are a list of 'conditions' assigned for either being upstat, at the top of the list or the lower conditions for mistakes made or bad behaviour. These being Liability, Doubt, Enemy or the last one Treason where a person is declared 'SP' (Suppressive person).
 
 
The Liability formula: a person has to do physical degrading work, followed by a write-up of the actions completed for each step of the formula. Then you have to ask permission to rejoin the group, by gaining signatures of said group. There are 'Yes' and 'No' columns. If the majority of the signatures are in the 'No' column the person has to redo the entire formula until the majority of the group have signed the 'Yes' column.
 
 
In the cargo hold it was dark, smelly and dirty. Being children and initially not realising what we were in for, we tried to make it fun at first. It was not fun, and we were reminded of the fact. We cleaned and scrubbed and chipped.
 
 
I don't recall how long we were down there but I know it was at least one night, because we slept side by side, sitting up. I’m sure it was longer, I know we were freezing, tired, hungry and filthy by the time we were allowed out.
 
The only ray of 'Sunshine’, was at the top of the ladder. An officer sitting at a desk, with a lovely smile. That smile kept me going.
 
 
Feeling so miserable and finding we then had a write up to do was awful and I didn't know what to write, it took ages. By far the hardest part was acquiring the signatures. It was so degrading and when someone wouldn't sign it, it was really hard. (I met that person a while ago, and I want them to know there are no hard feelings now).
 
 
From that point on, I trusted no one on that ship and knew I had to get the hell off. I was at my lowest and didn't want any part of scientology any more. It sucked -big time. It was to be a few months before I achieved my goal.
 
 
 
 
These snippets are really about a great lady I used to know on the ship, it wasn't until a couple of years later while reflecting, that I realised she had cared for me and took me under her wing, so to speak.
 
 
There was a fire drill, all hands on deck. The life boats had to be lowered, one lifeboat wouldn't move. Some crew members were getting hot and bothered trying to lower the boat over the side. Never dawned on me at the time, but on reflection, scary stuff, n an emergency at sea and the lifeboat can't be lowered.
 
 
One boat was lowered and we had to climb down a rope ladder into the boat. Many crew including children had gone down, with my fear of heights and it being about 30/40ft down, I panicked. In fact I got quite hysterical, so Molly (not her real name) was very patient and kind trying to coax me down the swinging rope ladder. All the while Molly was looking around worried and explaining' I had to calm down or could get into trouble'. Finally I sobbed my way down the ladder, to a big applause from the rest of the crew. Thankfully I never had to repeat the exercise.
 
 
Another time, we were at sea in a big storm, the ship was heaving about; rain was lashing down, the wind ferocious. I t was night time and I was on the bridge with LRH. It was really busy that night running back and forth to the engine room and looking for various crew, trying to keep my balance whilst out on the deck. LRH was shouting a lot, it was a tough night to be on the bridge.
 
 
At around midnight, in the middle of delivering a message I felt very ill and was found by Molly, crawling round the deck, throwing up. I had tried to throw up over the side, but it was difficult to hold on and not get swept overboard. Molly sent me to bed and said she would sort it out with LRH. I was worried about what he would say, but I was too ill to worry too much. The following day was calm, with a blue sky; it was mid afternoon before I felt better.
 
 
In Corfu we were having the official renaming of the ships. The messengers were measured up for uniforms. We were to have a big parade on the dock, with Greek dignitaries coming. We all had to look smart. Our uniforms came, but my skirt was missing. Molly kindly lent me one of hers. It was very long and she said I could sew the hem up, but I was not to cut the bottom off. I had never sewn before and after a couple of attempts and having this thick tuft of material at the bottom of the skirt I unpicked my sewing and cut the bottom of the skirt off. Unfortunately I cut off too much. Stupid really but I didn't think Molly would notice, she kinda told me off, but was smiling. I did feel really bad though. On the day of the parade, I spent the whole time trying to pull my skirt down, it was a micro mini. So much for looking smart.
 
 
Over the years I’ve often thought of Molly, wondered how long she stayed in the sea org. I hope where ever she is, she's happy.
 
 
On reflecting back in time its' hard to think some of the nicest, kindest people I knew, were a part of what was one of the worst periods of my life. All victims of ironically, saving the planet.
 
 
 
I say "one of the worst periods of my life" and in many ways it was, but there were some good times too. A few reflections here.....
 
While at sea, watching dolphins swimming along with the ship, a wonderful sight. One time, a submarine could be seen surfacing out of the water fascinating to watch.
 
The messengers had cabins facing one another, and we would all congregate in one and chat, laugh and just hang out and have fun.
 
While anchored off Gibralta, i was part of a shore party to go and get some supplies. We went by catamaran, quite a thrilling experience with the spray off the sea splashing us.
 
 
My favourite place was Corfu, whether that’s because we were there for a long period, and I became more familiar with the scenery I’m not sure. The dock itself was pretty basic but the view up in the hills was lovely. The town very picturesque, a mixture of both modern (for the time) and old. I loved to see some the people dressed in old traditional costumes Men with white baggy pantaloons, white jackets and fez type hats. Strange pointy shoes and nearly all the men wore a moustache. They also had colourful sashes over their jackets. The people were very laid back, wizened old women all dressed in black, wearing head scarves was another common sight and always fascinated me and the people of Corfu were very friendly.
 
 
One night out in a restaurant there was Greek dancing and kazoo playing and lots of plate smashing, we joined in, fantastic fun. Near the dock there was a cafe /bar with tables outside, where many of the crew congregated some nights when on libs. There was always a slow cooking carcase on a spit. It tasted good until the rumour went round that it was dog. I never found out whether there was any truth to the rumour, thankfully.
 
 
When us girls went ashore by ourselves we had a great time browsing in all the little quaint shops, one shop I had a fascination with was a taxidermist and I actually bought a fox skin complete with head. Now, I can't for the life of me think what I was thinking at the time. How horrible!
 
 
Something I used to do that I don't think anyone was aware of; when I had been on a late shift, most of the ship was eerily quiet, most crew asleep in bed. I'd finish work, really hungry. I'd go to the galley and help myself to bananas and sometimes ice-cream out the freezer. I felt quite guilty at the time, butt I was hungry and needs must.
 
 
As I’ve already said I didn’t' get to spend much time with my Dad, in fact none of the children spent a lot of time with their parents. A memorable occasion was when my Dad took me to see 'Finnians Rainbow' at the cinema. A truly magical film. We walked back to the ship in the dark, munching chips and chatting. I remember this in particular, because shortly after this he went away on a mission, and unbeknown to me at the time, I wasn't going to be seeing him again for a very long time.
 
 
On the dock in Corfu, we awoke one morning to see loads of horses, pretty mangy beasts by and large but the children on ship were thrilled. We went down and stroked them and even had rides. The horses were there for a few days, rumour had it they were to be shipped to another island for meat. We children were sad to see them go.
 
 
There was a Russian submarine berthed next to Apollo at one point, some of us messengers got to go on board and have a look around. We dressed in our dress uniforms, good PR. The Russian sailors were very straight faced, didn't speak a word of English and all us messengers could do was giggle. I don't know what they must have thought of us. It was very amusing.
 
 
My Dad told me he was only going away for a few weeks, 2-3 at most. I was upset, but thought 2-3 weeks would go by quickly, I could cope. He never came back.
 
Shortly after this was when my friend and I were put in 'liability' (I’ve already covered this). After the liability, I asked my ' ray of Sunshine' officer friend when my Dad would be back, she said she'd try to find out. She was very kind and as helpful as she could be, but I always got the feeling she knew more than she could tell me. Although I understood why she couldn't divulge any information at the time, it left me feeling miserable.
 
 
I got on with my job and everything, but I was far from happy. Then we left Corfu. We were ordered out by the Greek government. I was sad, I really liked Corfu, and it was yet another blow. I had no idea what the future held for me, and I didn't want to be on the ship any more. I wanted to know where the hell my Dad was, and no one was going to tell me. I became more and more depressed and trusted no one.
 
 
We sailed to Lisbon, Portugal.
 
One day a boy I knew came into the messenger’s office with a news paper, he told me to read it as it was about my family. He guarded the doorway while I read it, telling me 'don't let anyone see you'. The report was all about LRH and Scientology in England, the ship was mentioned also. To my amazement there was a bit about my grandmother also, complaining about how Scientology had taken a hold of her children and one of them had disconnected from her. Also how she didn't know where her son and grand daughter were. I remember whispering” I’m here nana". Reading that paper was quite a shock and I knew that what I had been thinking for some time was right, I had to get off this ship.
 
 
I didn't want to be a pest, but asked my officer friend as often as I dared, for news of my Dad. There was no news. So then I asked if I could go and join him, where ever he was. She said she would see what she could do. By this time I had taken to spending a lot of time in the cabin by myself, this hadn't escaped the attention of the MAA.
 
 
The MAA (Master at Arms) on the ship was a tall skinny guy with a large moustache, Swedish. He was the equivalent of the ships police. I felt extremely intimidated by him and I guess having watched him throw so many people overboard, I had every right to feel the way I did.
 
 
By this time, after reading the newspaper, conversations I over heard and observing things going on, on board the ship, young as I was I knew something was definitely not right.
 
 
Because of the newspaper I found myself flicking through the Mail for LRH, mainly trying to find any news with regards my Father. One day I found the very thing I had been dreading, an ethics chit with my name on it, asking permission to throw me over board. I was terrified, no way was that going to happen if I had any say in it, which of course I didn't. I stuffed the chit in my pocket, went to the toilets, tore the chit into tiny pieces and flushed it away. I was worried it wouldn't flush, fortunately it did.
 
 
By now I knew I would be leaving in a few days to be with my Dad. I was worried sick that I would get found out and not be allowed to go, I didn’t know what would happen to me if I was found out but I feel sure it would not have been good. Full of guilt about what I had done and the prospect of getting caught, I avoided the MAA as best I could, if I saw him coming my way I headed off in the opposite direction. I was a nervous wreck. If I could just get off the ship.
 
 
The day finally came for me to go, saying goodbye to my friend and cabin mate was difficult, I felt bad because I couldn't risk telling her things I normally would have, I just couldn't. So far all was going to plan. As I headed towards the gangplank I saw the MAA staring at me. I expected him to call out 'STOP that girl' or something, but he didn't. I could barely breathe properly through fear of being stopped. Finally we were in the taxi and away it was such a relief.
 
 
My travelling companions were two men and two young children, whom I was expected to care for on the journey. We were heading for Denmark (the 1st AODK) It was a long journey by train and ferry. I remember the ferry in particular as there was a buffet on a large table. I had never seen so much food and when I found out we could eat as much as we wanted, I went back again and again for more. At some point we split up and one man went off with the children, I never knew whose children they were or what became of them, I have often wondered.
 
 
We finally arrived at Abellund, a farm outside of Copenhagen. I knew something was wrong the minute I arrived as I was whisked away in a car for a drive. I was told my Dad was not there. He had been put in a condition of 'Treason' and declared an 'SP'. I was devastated. I didn't understand. I didn't know what to think. It was a cruel blow. All of the journey I had been getting excited at the prospect of being reunited with my father. Now nothingness.
 
 
It really hurt a lot, like being kicked in the gut, the pain was unbearable and to this day all these years later it still hurts. No one has the right to part a child from their family unless there is a damn good reason. It is a child’s 'RIGHT' to be with their parents. I was never given a good reason, I was was only told 'he’s' in a condition of Treason, he’s' Suppressive. Well I say to any CofS members either 'in' or 'thinking of coming out', or any one who is reading this: What HUMAN RIGHT is it that deprives a child of their family members .A group who promote 'Happy Families'. It was certainly not the case for my family and I know it was not the case for many families.
 
 
Disconnection from family in my eyes is one of the worst 'abuses' of 'HUMAN RIGHTS' anyone can inflict on another human being. It has to 'STOP'.
 
 
 
Yes, I cried a lot at the fact my Father wasn't there, but mostly when no one could see me. I learnt on the ship to try and keep emotions in check. Showing emotion was would give the impression I was not part of the group. For survival one had to be part of the group.
 
 
At abellund life was much more relaxed than on the ship and very little was expected of me. The people there were very friendly; I think they felt sorry for me. However, I didn't want sympathy, I wanted my Father.
 
 
Life goes on and I made the best of a bad situation. The cook often invited me into the kitchen, we would chat and munch on homemade bread or cookies she'd baked. Her son who was in his late teens was really nice and would make me laugh.
There were several buildings there, the main one being a large old farmhouse which was the centre of activity for the CofS. There were smaller houses which were accommodation for the staff; the buildings were set around a large lawn. On the lawn near the accommodation building was a large trampoline; I spent much of my time on the trampoline. It kept me going.
 
 
I slept in a room on the ground floor of the Accommodation building; there were several beds in the dorm. Shortly after I arrived a group of Swedish girls came, one or two may have been Danish, and they were great, really happy fun people. They were in their late teens, early 20s. We shared the dorm. I loved having them around. They were getting ready to go to the Apollo. They kept asking me questions about the ship; they were so excited about going. I really wanted to say "don't go, its not how you think, it will depress you, crush your spirit, take away the love of life." But I couldn't tell them. That would have made me PTS. Can't go around being PTS now can we?
 
 
One girl in particular couldn't understand my reluctance to talk about the ship, it should have been a warning, but it wasn't. I felt really bad about not telling them the reality of life on board the Apollo, sadly they must have found out for themselves. It is hard to forgive oneself, having not tried to prevent harm befalling another person/s. When those girls left for the ship, it was very lonely. It reminded me of when the Athena went off exploring and some people I was very fond of went I felt lonely then; some people in life give one a reason to keep going on.
 
The dorm was empty now except for me.
 
I had a couple of friends who were good friends in very different ways. One was not anything to do with Scieno. She stayed with the farmer sometimes. She lived in an out house, just a mattress on the floor, with a blanket, barely room to lay down stretched out. She was Danish and a drug addict. I don't know what drugs she took but sometimes she was relatively normal and other times so spaced out I hadn't a clue what she was talking about. We spent a lot of time on the trampoline together, and when jumping she would take off a small pouch that she wore round her neck, told me never to look inside. Her drugs were kept in it. One time I went to see her and she was in a very bad way, shivering and sweating, her speech was incomprehensible. I was very worried about her and suggested I got some help, but she would have none of it. The next day I went to see her again but she'd gone and I never saw her again.
 
 
I still didn't have any schooling, still no family but I was allowed to phone an old friend in England that cheered me up a bit.
 
 
One morning I got up and was told my Dad had been there the night before. I was told he'd gone again. I asked why no one had come and woken me up. I was told 'you know the rules, you can't see him'. I was expected to just accept this. ACCEPT THIS? Well, silently I did but there was no way I was going to accept this. I asked where he'd spent the night and was told he'd been locked in the cupboard under the stairs in the main building. How could people do this I couldn't understand, it was not right, it was not right at all.
 
 
I heard the ethics officer boasting (I say boasting, because he was laughing and joking as if he'd had a really good time) about what a night they'd had 'bull baiting' my Dad, when the ethics officer realised I was behind him listening, he shut up and walked off. I was horrified and very upset. Again I showed little emotion. Don't let them know they are ripping your heart out.
 
 
I knew my Dad had come back for me, and thought he must be still around somewhere waiting for me. The farm was surrounded by countryside and I was determined to find him. When I managed to get away on my own I started scouring the fields looking and calling him. I was so sure he would be there somewhere. He was no where to be seen and by then I broke down, I was crying and screaming out his name but he never came. I kept thinking he must have gone to get help, perhaps he would come back with the police. But nothing. It was gone dark before I gave up that day. I searched for several days before finally giving up. I had to find away of getting away from there, but how?
 
 
 
 
I mentioned I had another friend, she was also in her late teens and very good to me. We used to go off walking, discussing the strange goings on Apollo and in the SO in general. We laughed at the fact that if we told anyone on the outside they' think we were mad. I laughed but was scared at the same time. She left just before me.
 
 
Apart from bouncing on the trampoline and wondering the countryside, I was bored. It was decided I would do housekeeping duties .We had a top officer coming to stay and I was to sort out somewhere for him to sleep. It was drummed into me that he was to be given special treatment, but there was a lack of decent berthing and I put a bed in with the CO. You can imagine, the CO was not amused. He shouted at me and I don't remember where the officer slept in the end. I know I’d had enough. I spoke to this person via e-mail recently and he did apologise for any upset he caused me, which I did accept. He also said he looked at his time in the SO as a great adventure. Well that’s great for him, but I did not see my time there as an adventure. If only.
 
 
I don't remember where the idea came from to ask for a leave of absence to go and get an education. It struck me as a good way out. I wrote to LRH straight away. I have a feeling it was a talk with an officer friend of mine.
 
 
Determined to find my Dad at all cost. I wrote to my stepmother and asked if I could stay with her. She didn't know where my Dad was but agreed I could go. I thought if I could just get home, I’d find my DAD.
 
 
In the mean time, I got the shock of my life one day when a car came up the drive. It was my mum; I have never been so pleased to see someone in my whole life. I spent a couple of days with her and my brothers but much as I loved them, I had to find my Dad. So I declined the offer to stay with them. I was to regret that for a very long time. At the time though I had to get away from anything to do with Scientology and that meant leaving them. When you're only a kid and you’re frightened it is so hard to make decisions, let alone one of that magnitude. She even said 'you won't find your Dad you know' but by then I was convinced there was some sort of conspiracy to keep me from him.
 
 
It was all arranged, LRH had agreed I could have a leave of absence to go to school. I was supposed to come back when I’d finished schooling. To my horror, I couldn't believe who was in the car coming down the driveway; it was the MAA from Apollo. I thought I’m finished now. I avoided him at all cost.
 
 
We had a party, I don't remember why, but I spent the whole day helping in the kitchen. Moving furniture in the main office/reception area to make room for everyone, by this time we had quite a lot of students at the org. There was even a piano. We set up lots of food and it was quite good fun. The MAA (from Apollo) could play the piano and he was very good. It was a good event, until I met the MAA out in the hall. He caught me off guard and I was actually shaking. He told me he knew what I had done, but not to worry he wasn't going to tell any one. He knew I was going home and said there would be no point in telling anyone the things that had gone on in the SO as no one would believe me anyway. He said he'd had enough, it was all crazy. I never said a word, I was too afraid. I so badly wanted to confide in someone but I just knew it would be stupid to trust anyone. He left the next day, and I felt a lot better.
 
 
All that mattered was to get as far away from the Sea Org as I possibly could, it's all I could think about. So it came as a shock when I was told I had to go through a security check (sec check, as it was called). The thought of being connected up to the e-meter made me feel very nervous. I had always thought in my own mind that the e-meter could read your mind, a bit like God. It scared the hell out of me because the thoughts I was having were against the CofS and if it could tell what I was thinking, I was in big trouble.
 

 

 
I was told everything would be fine. I was holding the cans and was asked a series of questions; I don’t actually remember all of these questions, though I have seen a list of them recently. I just know I felt extremely uncomfortable at the time and when asked' if I felt any bad thoughts about Scientology and LRH' it must have had a read on the meter as I my hands were sweating and my worried mind was all over the place. Quite a few of the questions had me in a tizz. Some were repeated until the auditor was satisfied with my answers. Once I had lied a couple of times and gotten away with it, it struck me that this machine couldn't read my mind at all, it was all a load of rubbish. Still scared but gaining confidence I started letting my mind go blank instead of feeling guilty of my answers and then it was over. I had been asked about coming back when I’d gotten an education, of course I had no intention of ever going back, but he seemed happy enough when I said 'of course I’m coming back'. It was such a relief to get that over with.
 
 
The flight home was surreal. I felt sort of spaced out like it wasn't for real. My stomach was in knots. The air hostess was really nice and really looked after me. I sat next to a family who were great. They included me as part of the family for the journey and that was nice. The mother kept asking me lots of questions though which made me feel very uncomfortable, like 'where had I been', where were my parents'. I don't remember exactly what I said but I made up what I thought were acceptable stories. I knew the real story would sound so far fetched, it was crazy, and I genuinely believed people would think I was crazy if I told the real story.
 
 
Whist flying, my head was full of thoughts of the past, present and future. The main one being where was my Dad? Would I ever find him, I felt sure I would at the time. The family I was with insisted on seeing me off in a taxi, it was difficult to get away from them, I don't mean that unkindly. Its just they couldn't understand why at 10:00pm at night no-one was there to meet me. They wanted to phone someone for me. They were not happy at letting me go off like that unattended. Part of me wished I could stay with them 'a normal family' that’s what I wanted to be a part of more than anything in the world. They really seemed to care what became of me; it was very different from the world I had just left behind. I was 12yrs old when I left.
 
 

 
The taxi dropped me off in the middle of nowhere at 12:30 at night. I didn't have enough fare; fortunately he accepted all the kronar I had as well as English money. The lights were on in the house but no one was home, I began wondering what the hell I’d let myself in for. From one bad situation to another. Eventually my step mum appeared, she'd been at St. Hill. There was another lady with her, Eve, she owned the house. It was all fairly friendly and my misgivings subsided.
 
 
I was left at home on my own most days as my step mum was always at St. Hill. It was the summer holidays, so no school. One thing my step mum did for me that had never been dealt with was my teeth. Due to some strange notion my Dad had, with regards people being put out with gas to have teeth fixed. I had never been to the dentist. 2yrs in the SO without any one nagging me to brush my teeth and my teeth were a mess. I had to have 17 fillings, some were very big fillings and it took me days to recover from the effects of the gas. My mouth hurt like hell. I have suffered with my teeth all my life due to the neglect at an early age.
 
 
Going to school was awful; I was so far behind all the other kids in learning. What’s more I didn't want to be there, I didn't fit in and it was hard to settle into any kind of routine. I didn't catch the bus, even though it was a really long walk, being ridiculed for being a Scieno kid was more than I could cope with at that time. Out of school my step mum got me babysitting for other Scienos. I looked after a couple of boys. I didn't like that either but didn't have much say in the matter. Basically life sucked and I still did not find my Dad.
 
 
 
For a variety of reasons I am going to leave out a fair bit of my story here. I may come back to it at a later date.
 
 
I spent time in different homes, some worse than others. Over all though, all the other kids knew I was from a' home' and we were made to feel not as good as everyone else. As if we were not worthy of being accepted as the same as the rest of the human race. It was not a good feeling.
 
 
I finally got to live with a foster mother. She was quite old and pretty eccentric. Had a dog, cats and a duck that lived in the yard and swam in a baby bath. She was really nice and life seemed much better. I started yet another new school and slowly life picked up. But deep inside of me, was still this frustrated girl wondering why life had thrown such a lot of 'shit' her way. I was not a nice person, I hated all authority, I hated all adults, most of them any way. To me, adults lied, they didn't care and it seemed to me that adults just wanted to put me down all the time.
 
 
I had to see a social worker every couple months, he was quite nice but I felt like he was always probing, trying to get info out of me about Scieno and because I was so conditioned to not talking about it, I saw this as a threat to me. Years later I realised actually he had my interests at heart. I even wrote and told him so.
 
He was always trying to get me to go visit my step mum, because of Scientology that was the last thing I wanted to do. Eventually I caved in and spent a weekend with her. She cajoled me into going to the local Scieno org and once there tried to get me to go on the e-meter. I really lost it, exploded and shouted "I WOULD NEVER GO ON AN E-METER AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVED". The Scienos there looked at me in disbelief. I left the building, got my stuff and returned home without saying goodbye.
 
 
Shortly after that I received a wedding invitation from her. I didn't reply. Again my social worker kept trying to encourage me to go. I was not going.
 
I n the mean time I had a letter from Scientology asking me to go back as by now I was 15yrs old and should be finished with school. I lied and said I was staying on at school and doing more studies.
 
 
I received a reply saying I owed A ridiculous amount of $ if I didn't go back, as a freeloaders debt. A few weeks later I got another one. I was really worried about it, but told no one. My foster mother must have read these letters as next time my social worker came he asked me if I had received letters demanding money. He kept on about it, but I told him he was wrong. So frightened. When he left, I destroyed the letters and fortunately never heard from Scientology again.
 
How on earth can a so called 'church' demand money from children? WTF is that all about? I wish now I had kept those letters, but at the time I was scared stiff.
 
 

 
These are a few reflections of bits and pieces I had forgotten about or missed.
 
I said at the beginning I was in awe of Mary Sue. Her office was right by LRHs' and so I saw a lot of her, I don't know why but she never acknowledged my presence. ALL that time on the ship and she only smiled at me once, shortly after I boarded the ship and stroked her corgi. I can't explain what it was, but there was something not right. On the ship I had over heard conversations, I don’t remember any of these now. At the time they scared me.
 
 
A few years later when I was walking past a newsagent and saw a picture of Mary Sue on the front page, I went in and bought a copy. I was not surprised by what I read about the guardians office .I remember thinking 'I was right all along'. There was something seriously wrong with this organisation.
 
 
Suzette Hubbard was a friend on the ship, I really liked her. She was a really bubbly girl, full of fun.
 
 
Quentin was exactly as other people have described him, but with one difference when I knew him. He'd be going along the deck, being an aeroplane and then see me; his arms would drop to his side. We would be watching one another and then as he'd gone past his arms would go back up and he'd be gliding again. I don't think he realised I looked back round; it makes me smile to think of this. I was very saddened to hear what happened to him. He was a nice boy.
 
 
There are many things I’ve forgotten over the years, or they are just tiny glimpses and not enough to write about. Little things like the renaming of the Apollo, and how MSH let go of the champagne to hit the bow, only it took several attempts. Following LRH on one of his deck walks, he was talking about the' Wall of Fire'. I didn't have a clue what he was talking about, thought it was weird, and so didn't pay attention. Only recently have I got an inkling of what that was about. It’s still weird.
 
 
For me, phrases like 'you pulled it in' and 'handle it' were plain wrong. How can a child be an 'adult' in a little body? They can't and shouldn't be expected to be. A child looks up to adults to guide them through to adulthood. Yes, that child will make mistakes and learn from them, with or without parental guidance. However, a child shouldn't have to raise themselves, with little or no guidance the child isn't equipped to face all the challenges life throws at them. It can be a long road to recovery.
 
 
Recently I went to a talk, given by a woman who was a WW1 child evacuee. What surprised me the most was how similar it was for some children to being in the SO. This lady’s' story was in some ways not unlike my own. I found it very helpful in coming to terms with my own experiences.
 
 
You’re wondering if I ever found my Dad? It took a long time and I did, but that’s another story.
 
 
 
Just a few things I had forgotten about.
 
 
I think we were still in Corfu, so it would have been 68.
 
Three men were locked up in what I can only recall as being cattle stalls.
I only knew one of them well, a tall man with dark curly hair, can't remember his name. He was a really nice man; I was very upset at the time and couldn't believe he had been put in a condition of treason. Apparently they had been found with drugs in their cabin. I can't say whether it was true or not, but that was the rumour going round. I remember the incident specifically because I was upset because I was not allowed to talk to him and usually we chatted. He could tell my discomfort, and said' I was not to worry, it was alright that I couldn't talk to him' and smiled. This made me feel a little better.
 
 
I never saw him again; all three were thrown off the ship.
Whenever people 'disappeared', (i.e.; they weren't there any more, because of some condition they were put in) it always seemed to happen at night when no one was around, we heard about it afterwards.
 
Which reminds me of a woman who was Nanny to the little kids? Unfortunately I don't remember her name either but she was plump, with long blonde hair, which naturally fell in ringlets. Again she was a very nice, friendly woman, but one morning I was told to help out with the little kids because she had been thrown off the ship in the night.
 
We were told she had been caught suckling one of the little boys, Billy I think his name was. As far as I know she had no milk, and at the time I had trouble believing that of her. I didn't really know what to think. It was a difficult thing for an 11yr old to understand. So I have no idea if it was true or not, but it is true that, that’s what we were told.
 
 
In the earlier days I do remember LRH going on about World War 111. It was at the same time he kept on about WOGS. To me it was frightening and against my view of the world. When he spoke about War, it was as if it was going to happen really soon. Of course it didn't. But it was yet another thing to worry about back then
On reflection, that man, LRH, really spoke some shit. It frightened the hell out of me.
 
And they called it saving' mankind.' It sure as hell didn't save me.
 
 
 
The Apollo was a disaster waiting to happen; it always astonishes me that it didn't sink. At least one life boat to my knowledge was not useable. No one could get it to move.
 
 
Also, I think we had left Bizerte, when we hit a storm, the ship was rolling about and it was very scary. Especially knowing very few people had any experience of being at sea. I remember LRH shouting a lot and me constantly running back and forth to the engine room, including a fair amount of shouting down a tube thing, that goes directly down to the engine room. Can't remember what it’s called. It was frantic on the bridge that night. What with the wind and rain lashing down. I seem to recall we were having some engine trouble. By the end of the night I was so seasick, I thought I was dying anyway, it never occurred to me we might have drowned. But thinking back it would certainly have been a possibility; Apollo was not properly sea worthy.
 
 
I hadn't been there that long and I remember a man being put in a lower condition, on an upper deck and sneaking food up to him, with another messenger. The cook had asked us to. He was very grateful. He was rubbing down woodwork at the time. We were not supposed to talk to him, but we did.
 
 
I also remember going on deck one day and hearing a lot of banging and thumping about, some one shouting. I never saw who it was. Just heard them, I was told they'd gone mad and were locked in the cabin for their own good. The person was there for several days. At the time I did accept the explanation. Later on I realised that was probably more B/S.
 
 
Too many bad things happened on that ship, like the little girl locked in what I now know to be the chain locker, dirty crying hysterically, covered in snot. I can still picture her now; it’s a frightening and terrible thing to happen to any one let alone a young child. God knows how long she was there. And where were her parents? You would think someone, anyone, would have done something to stop that kind of abuse. But NO, no one did.
 
 
 
Auditing was something I never used to fully understand, on occasions I had to find people to deliver a message to, or give an order from LRH. I would look through the window into the dining room, which was full of people in session. Always struck me as a bizarre practice, people hooked up to tin cans. Always very quiet and everyone very intent on what they were doing. I never interrupted, it was enough to look through the window and an auditor would come out and see what I wanted. It was one of the things that was considered to be highly important and confidential. You didn't mess with the Auditors, and my impression at the time was they considered themselves highly superior beings, compared to crew.
 
 
I think it was the first Xmas we were there, not sure if it Xmas or New Year. I may be wrong, but it’s the only big party I remember there being, while I was there. Lots of dancing and music. I was just there, funny how events like that were so few and haven't really stayed in my mind because all the horrors and abuse left the deepest impressions, and are the memories that don't go away. There was another event too; everyone was on the decks, waiting for a big announcement or something, and lots of cheering. Again it’s a very vague memory.
 
 
The title of the book' Messiah or Madman' by Bent Cordon to my mind is a very apt description. When LRH did his walk abouts on the decks and stopped to talk to students on warm evenings, the faces of the students had a balmy look about them, enraptured by the Stories LRH told. I just thought it was a load of gobbledygook. Seems I was right.
 
 
One thing I did whilst on ship was to read the' Hobbit’; it was the one thing that took me away from reality and into another realm of fantasy, not the science fiction I was living. I remember being told I wasn't supposed to have a book like that so I kept it hidden.
 
 
There was a man (an Officer) who used to come and see LRH, he would ask if it was alright to knock on his office door, and I said NO, He doesn't want to be disturbed. Those had been my orders. But this officer bold as brass, would say 'he'll see me' and I would think ‘Hell, wait for the fireworks'. The next thing you'd know LRH would be shouting, but he did this on more than one occasion and it always astonished me that he stood up to LRH like that. I never saw anyone else do that.
 
One thing that always astonished me was the endless telexes that came out of the telex room, which was a tiny little space, barely room for a man to sit in there. Much of the communication that came out of there was from St, Hill and that’s how I know that LRH saying he didn't have anything to do with St. Hill any more is a lie. Masses of communication went to and fro from the Apollo to St. Hill and vice versa. And from what I could make out, a lot of it was to do with the GO (guardians Office).
 
It was all kept top secret of course and I had no idea what was really going on.
 
 
 
A strange thing that happened between 13 and 15yrs of age was I would be sitting in a chair, or even standing up and I couldn't move the lower part of my body, it was paralysed, only for a few moments but it was scary. I had it checked out but I think the Doctor thought it was all in my head. All I know is it went on for quite a long time and I never knew when it would happen, it took me by surprise.
 
 
In the last year of being in the Sea Org I slept badly, always having bad dreams.
Reflecting on the daily goings on the ship and later about my Dad and stuff like that. When I left these dreams still occurred, by the time I was 15 and after the overdose they shifted. Instead of being about the SeaOrg they were more like falling down a large black hole or falling from a great height and they were so real, I woke up covered in sweat and it was like it was really happening.
 
 
Then I had a very odd dream, like a bad versus good dream, it was a real battle all night. At the time I was going out with a boy who later became my 1st husband.
The dream was about him, but he kept fading away and being replaced by someone else, even with a name, totally different looks and complete opposite. I fought this, in my sleep. I know this sounds silly. But I had this dream for a few nights, so it was firmly printed in my mind. About 7yrs later there was the dream. Talk about dejavous. His was one of many dreams that were similar, and then went on to be reality.
 
Another specific one happened many years later, I was on a plane on my own. The next day when I woke up, I kept telling myself it had to be when I came back after leaving Scientology. But I knew it wasn't cos I was a lot older. The plane was full of men, and me. Three years later deja vous, I was on an emergency trip on a plane full of soldiers. It felt really spooky.
 
 
When these dreams became reality it scared the hell out of me. Because I knew I had been there before, it wasn't imagination, I really wished it was. Bit like the Scieno saga, I never told anyone, because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Talk about off the wall, strange as I’ve said once before, all I ever wanted was to be normal. I had a pre conceived idea of "Normal" and I sure as hell was not it. With my background and lack of family it was hard to fit in. I did have friends, but I found it hard to get close to people. Lack of trust was a major issue, especially adults; they let me down Big time! In fact, all authority I saw as a threat to my survival.
 
 
I left school at 15 with no qualifications, worked in a factory for 3 weeks, absolutely hated it and then worked in a bakery. That was ok. I had actually started working at age 13yrs, weekends and all school holidays as being in care, it was the only way to be able to buy clothes and try and keep up with my friends. I still didn't know where my father was and I would often take out the letter he had sent me when I was 13, the one with ducks on. One day I was really upset, reading the letter and tore it into tiny pieces. Angry and hurt because he wasn't there. I regretted it, almost as soon as I had done it, but it was too late. I seem to recall I did this after I got my free loaders debt from Scientology. I was a very angry child at 15, far more than my own kids at the same age.
 
 
 
Moving on to October 2006.
 
I was out shopping one day with my family in the city and came across a crowd of people; we went over to have a look. I couldn't believe what I was seeing; I hadn't seen this for 35yrs. There were tables with e- meters on them and young people had members of the public trying out auditing on them.
 
 
I felt weird, my head felt like it was going to explode, and I could feel so much anger bubbling up inside of me. I wanted to scream and shout how they had destroyed my family. It was all I could do to control myself. I knew I couldn't cause a scene; my family would have wandered what on earth was wrong with me. They did notice something was wrong and they ushered me away.
 
 
I was livid, walking back to the car I felt sick, my emotions were all over the place, like a massive Brainwave. From that moment on I started having flash backs of my childhood, of my Mum and brothers and my Dad. Of the Sea Org, LRH and people I had known on the ship. The bad dreams started again on and off.
 
 
I decided I had to try and find my Family, starting with my Dad. I had no clue how to go about it, I’d never really used a computer before and it was suggested to me to try the internet.
 
 
I was astonished to find it was relatively easy to find him with what little bit of information I had. I managed to get hold of a social worker and give my details; she would then contact him and ask if he wanted contact with me. She wasn't convinced I had the right person.
 
 
A couple of days later she gave me a phone number, but was still doubtful I had the right person. Strangely enough I couldn't bring myself to phone straight away. I had been sleeping badly, continually having flash backs and my health was starting to decline. I was stressed out.
 
 
Finally I plucked up the courage, it was a very strained phone call, I wasn't 100% sure it was him. I even said” it is you aren’t it". I suppose after all this time; I couldn't believe it was real. He seemed pleased to hear from me, but guarded, as was I. We agreed that I would write him with the story of what happened to me and then he would reply with his side of things. He had suffered severe rheumatoid arthritis for 20+ years, but assured me he was much better now though disabled. He is actually very disabled though better than he'd been previously. Talking to him though at times was difficult, there was some very dark stuff there and it frightened me. All those years I had sort of blamed him for abandoning me, but I now knew it had definitely not been his fault.
 
 
In the meantime I started looking up Scientology on the internet. I was amazed at how much stuff was on there, I hadn't expected to find very much at all. I went on a Scientology site first and just could not believe the bull I was reading. Then I found Operation Clambake and my worst night mares were realised, as in Scientology was even worse than I had remembered, as if that wasn't bad enough.
 
When I found Lermanet.com I was even more horrified as I found stuff all about the occult and Hubbard, this was new to me, except for the fact that my Dad had told me they were all into the occult and kept going on about witches and the like. I found it really hard to digest this information from him, but there it all was in black and white. I had to find out what had happened to my Dad and family and spent hours pouring over everything I could find to see if I could find out the truth about what had happened to my Dad.
 
 
I went through lists and lists of people's names trying to trace my Mum and brothers, but no avail. I was shocked to find that as I had thought way back in"69" things in the Sea Org had gotten a lot worse, after I left. Much worse.
 
 
At this time I started to get ill, I was working really hard and totally driven to find out as much information on Scientology as I could. It was becoming increasingly difficult to get through the day. I was totally stressed out. More and more, I had flashbacks and dreams; I wasn't sleeping well, nightmares waking me up.
 
 
I was glad to be back in touch with my Dad, but the conversations left me more mixed up than ever. He didn't seem capable of giving me an answer as to why I had been left behind on the "Apollo" for all that time and why he hadn't come back and gotten me in Denmark. I tried to stay calm; I was far from calm though. I wrote him a really long letter telling him what had happened to me, but didn't get a reply or the answers I wanted.
 
 
Then I did a terrible thing, which I deeply regretted later. I phoned him up and completely lost control, crying and screaming into the phone "why had he abandoned me on that god forsaken ship in the med". It was a completely irrational thing to do, but I was so desperate for answers and I just wasn't getting any. At the time I knew my Dad was in a bad way, but actually had no idea how bad till much later. It was a terrible thing to do, and I hope he forgives me my out burst on that day. We ended the call on a better note, but I was far from satisfied. It was an act of desperation I was starting to feel like I was that little girl again, 38yrs after the event and it was as real now as it had been then.
 
 

 
A few months ago I went to visit my Dad, hadn't seen him for 30yrs. It was incredible I was quite nervous and I’m sure he was too. I'm so glad I went, it meant so much to him, and me, he kept holding my hand and it was very touching.
 
Its difficult to describe the emotion one feels, we both felt, after such a long separation and under such circumstances. Elation, mixed with deep sadness at what might have been if only............on a good note though we have a bond now, a bond that I don't think either of us ever thought possible.
 
 
I had last seen him when I was 19yrs old and although it was good to see him then it was very difficult, He was not the man I had remembered and was mentally very poorly. How much of that was down to being homeless after being put in Treason, I do not know. However, I do believe he was put through a tough time in the SO and to be forcibly disconnected from your child; never knowing if you would see them again must put a lot of stress on some one. I know how I would feel as a parent, and I also know how I felt as a child.
 
 
The worst thing is he felt he could do nothing about it, and he did try to come back for me and for his trouble was interrogated and then locked in a cupboard overnight. I know I have already covered this, but the more I think about this, the more appalled I am. How does a 'religion' do this and get away with it?
 
To me, because he’s' my Dad, it breaks my heart to think back on this, it matters not that it took place 38yrs ago. It should never have damned well happened at all.
This kind of thing should NEVER happen to anyone, and certainly not under the disguise of religion.
 
 
And that for me, as a child was a major trauma. Why would the most ETHICAL people on the planet lock my Dad in a cupboard and not let me see him. Not to mention the trauma my Dad must have gone through.
 
 
 
Some thing I’ve not written about before, I have a half sister, who I have not seen for 35/36 years.
 
 
She was born into Scientology, and has been a scieno all her life. Still is. I didn't really know how I felt about her, and the fact that she is a Scieno made me not want to have anything to do with her.
 
 
While I have been writing my story and also getting in touch with members of my family after all these years, some of which I didn't even know existed, an opportunity arose recently to meet with my sister. I had very mixed emotions about this, having heard she expressed a genuine excitement at us meeting up, I thought 'great’, let’s go for it. Sadly it wasn't to be.
 
 
However I did get to speak with her on the phone. The phone call was extremely emotional on both sides, and unfortunately we struggled to overcome our extreme differences on the subject of Scientology.
 
 
I did try to be diplomatic, and even said I would hear at some point her side of life as a Scieno. It is difficult for me to be anything but antagonistic towards a cult that screwed so badly with my life and that of my Dads.
 
 
Whenever Scieno was mentioned, she either cut me off, flat, or we agreed not to discuss it. We did agree though that she would phone and we would meet up, this has not happened. I'm left wandering about this call. Maybe she just changed her mind. That is fine, I can under stand that .Or maybe it was decided it was not a good idea to be talking to an ‘SP’, declared or not, I am one.
 
 
She also showed an interest in visiting our Father, somehow I doubt that will happen. She feels it was bad of him not to have any part in her growing up. When I tactfully tried to explain the reasons, I was interrupted immediately, because of course I would have had to speak of Scieno. On reflection of the call, I can see why she has not phoned back. I only hope she is not going through any crisis for having spoken to me, I genuinely would like to get to know her, and from what little we spoke I gathered she has had a difficult time, about things I won't speak of here.
 
Its' probably mean of me, and I don't intend for it to be but I would like her to visit our Dad, because I think it would shock her if she knew his story and also saw how he lives. Also I would like her to meet him because I think like myself she will regret it if she doesn’t take the opportunity while she can. And, it would make an old man very happy.
 
 
 
This is more about my Dad.
 
My Dad told me he was thrown overboard; he was a Bosun at the time. The thing is it wasn't at muster. He was just picked up and thrown over the side of the ship without any warning; he'd just been out shopping so he had his best civvies on. He says the significant thing about this is, he complained to LRH and the following day a P/L was written with the effect of saying that there were to be no over boardings unless a chit had been signed by the Commodore, also that it could only be carried out at muster.
 
 
What to me is interesting is I heard someone had been thrown overboard on the spur of the moment. However, I had no idea at the time that it was my Dad.
 
My Dad seems to think that it was in March of 1969 that he was put in Treason in AODK-Abellund. He came back for me around July/August time. He requested his possessions and wallet. He was told he could not have his possessions and that if he took his wallet and the money it contained he would be declared an SP. He didn't really have a choice. He was in a foreign country and had no money and could not get any work. I find it incredible, they (the Sea Org) wouldn't let him have contact with me, his child, and they wouldn't give him his clothes and declared him SP for taking his own money. What a nice ethical bunch of people.
 
 
 
News of the World 4/May/1969
 
I have just received a copy of the above Newspaper, the same one I read on the Apollo back in 1969.
 
According to the News of the World my Father was wanted as the main witness to an on going trial with regards the Disconnection policy of families. According to the paper my Dad was meant to be a Scientologist witness, but couldn't be found because he was on a ship somewhere. That is an outright lie.
 
 
He hadn't been on the ship for 5 months by that time, and Hubbard knew it.
 
Ironic really that he mysteriously disappeared out of the Sea Org and was disconnected from myself and I him.
 
 
This affected the bulk of my family.
 
 
I knew I was scared back then, re reading this makes me realise why I was so scared. I had every reason to be and so I imagine did my Father.
 
Both of us conveniently "Handled" and my Father "fair Gamed". Its' no wonder he was too afraid to get me out.
 
Tamasin
 

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