25 Years of Scn - TWIN A
Personal Stories - Sea Org

PART ONE

Hi, my name is Maureen, also known as "Mo" (I'm not the dancer "Mo" who was a dancer/choreographer on the Apollo with LRH, I'm the "Mo" who was in the Camera Department at Gold for a long time between 1986 and 1995)

Without further ado...some of my Scientology story (Jaws music....): I met a guy named Bill Ward way back in 1978 who told me he was a Scientologist. I was only 12 years old. He made friends with my Mom, he had met her at a psychiatric outpatient clinic in San Jose, and they fell in love and he asked her to marry him. He moved in with us in our small apartment in Santa Clara.

 

He was a strange and fascinating guy. An ex-Mormon High Priest with one polio leg. He was very stocky with thick glasses and a deep sonorous voice. He also had a large wart on his nose, he was ugly as sin, but sounded great. He'd done some work as a radio DJ and was a phone sales guy for these special automatic beds, the kind that can be moved into a sit up position electronically and all that. He loved to gamble and was a stock car racer as a hobby. He had a special gyroscope in the trunk of his green Ford Ltd that he thought kept him from fish tailing too much. He'd always speed on the freeway. He had a fake police badge and a flashing red light he would put on the cab on his car so he could pretend to be an undercover cop and travel at seriously high speeds on the freeway. I think I saw the guys speedometer hit 180 once. He never got caught. He had a CB radio in his car so he knew where the "Bears" were.

My twin sister avoided him because she thought he smelled (he was a heavy smoker like my Mom) and was ugly and "gross". My brother Randy liked him and so did I. We got to be friends with him. I learned how to do wheelies in his wheel chair, went on some fishing trips, met his kids Gary, Keith and Bruce Wayne Ward from his previous marriage (all over 16), I learned how to fire a bb gun and other fun things

He had some wild tales about his life growing up in Arkansas. I remember one tale he told about how he could kill venomous water mocassan snakes by grabbing their tails and whipping them like a whip which would snap their heads off. Yuk. He also told us some stuff about the Mormon church, about how Brigham Young was an "asshole" and we were to say that to any Mormon missionairies we saw peddling by in their white shirts in our neighborhood. I never did it myself, but I did see him scream at some missionairies once and they looked so shocked and hurt when he said it, and then they peddled their bikes fast in the other direction.

When Bill moved in, he brought his books with him. Two of the books he showed us (my little brother and I) were his Dianetics books. Both green hard cover books. He made some really really wild claims about Scientology. He said that I could learn how to help my Mom with her mental illnesses. Oh, also, he'd said he was on staff at the Santa Clara Mission earlier, possibly as a reg or a Div 6 guy, I have yet to find anyone who remembers the guy on staff. Anyone?

His claims included potentials for telepathy, being able to levitate objects with "Tone 40" and past life recalls, super powers, all kinds of crazy things. Now Bill was also involved with EST, Silva Mind Control and Instantaneous Personal Magnetism, hypnotism-- a certified hypnotist, and he was even a certified, but unpractising chiropractor. He told me that the day I had won a one mile race in 7th grade ( I was the only girl who had ever run a mile in 5 1/2 minutes at this school) he had "bathed me in white light" before the race. I originally believed him!

Now that I have a more discerning mind, I really think I was a fast runner because my genetic father was a professional football player. My Mom said his name was Alan Rutter (not the guy who was the head of the Railroad Commission) and he'd been kicked off of the 49ers because he had a bad temper. She'd had an affair with him when she was at the psychiatric ward of the El Camino hospital in Mountan View (same hospital I was born in--oh, not the psychiatric ward, the baby ward) I have been unable to verify the exhistance of an ex 49er named Alan Rutter. I suppose my Mom could have been pulling my leg about which football team he was on but I have no doubts that I could run fast because of him and that I had playing football in my blood somehow.

Now, back to Bill Ward and his Scientology and Silva Mind Control stuff, I was curious about all this. He told me to read the Dianetics Book to prove how smart I really was. I couldn't read it, it put me to sleep despite my tryng to "look up my words", so I realized that I wasn't that smart after all ( I no loner think that I couldn't read that book because I was dumb) He did some TRs with me out of the book Dianetics Today and I thought it was fun. He flunked me everytime I laughed because he had shot his dentures out of his mouth at me. I never got to flatten that one... I wanted to do more, but Bill died one night in our living room of a heart attack while playing video games with my little brother. I was sad to see him go, my Mom was particularly sad for a long time. She thought she'd killed him with her corned beef...

Years later, when I was being tortured out in Hemet with RPFing and "withold pulling" "technology" --- I invoked the memories of Bill Ward to help me get out. I claimed he PDHd me (sorry Bill...I figured you wouldn't mind) which would make me unqualified for the SO. Oddly enough, that whole fake incident is fully covered in my 2006 SP declare! You see I really wasn't an honest hard working SO Member all those years, I was a spy for EST and Silva Mind Control, trying to steal secrets for the dead Bill Ward!!!

In mid 1980, my neighbors gave me their junk mail, in it was a "free personality test" from the Church of Scientology Mission of Stevens Creek. I filled it out enthusiatically and sent it in. About a month later, I got a post card saying my results were ready and I could come on a Saturday or a Sunday after 10:30. I went in on the Sunday...

Before I begin my real part two, I want to back up a little: I left something out of part one that is important. I've been asked the question, "why did you get into Scientology?" and so I feel it is important not to leave out some of the plot points before I take you to part two when I show up at the Steven's Creek Mission for my Personality Test results.

OK, back to when Bill Ward had died in front of me of a heart attack. ALSO at this time, there was another upsetting experience in my life, my best best friend RB, whom I'd known since 4th grade, had gotten into a motorcycle accident with her older brother. She was in the hospital for a long time and her arm was permanently damaged. I visited her in the hospital and apparently I passed out when I saw her with all the tubes and stuff coming out of her (we are back in touch now and she says I passed out in the hospital, but I don't remember it, but I don't doubt it). I had a hard time cheering up my friend because I was so upset too and I didn't really know how to deal with it. My step-father (who I called Daddy), my mom's ex husband, tried to console me and cheer me up. He took me miniature golfing a couple of times. He was there for me, I just had no idea what to say to him. I didn't really know that I was sad really. I wasn't crying, I was kind of more in some kind of shock or numbness emotionally. There was this kind of strange dreariness about my life going on.

 


PART TWO:

I showed up at the Steven's Creek Mission to get my Personality Test results. This was when the mission was behind the Meridian Quad Theaters, it had a good location because I found it easy to find, plus it kind of had an air of legitimacy because it was near the movie theaters in plain view of so many people. I walked into the reception area, I was wearing worn out, holey blue jeans and a "hang ten" t-shirt and some sandals on. My hair was long and kind of unkempt. I think Carol Volkes was holding reception/bookstore officer. She had me take a seat and wait. I waited for an hour! According the Philip McIntyre who confessed to me years later, no one wanted to talk to me because they didn't think I'd sign up for anything.

I then started to wonder around the mission. I walked into the Div 6 courseroom area which had a door near the reception area. There had just been some meeting there that was letting out, there was still food on a table inside so I went into get some. I was hungry. Kathryn Scheer was inside and she was juggling with some green apples. I thought that was so cool, I asked her to show me how. She showed me how to juggle three apples and I learned it fast, then she asked if my parents were around and I said, "No, I'm waiting to get my free personality test results, I've been waiting for an hour". She said, "Oh, I can take care of that" and she disappeared out the door. I heard some shouting and then she came back in and brought me to Phil McIntyre's office. She said was in charge of all the Div 6's, the PES I think she said if I remember correctly --- so I guess I found the right person to get my personality test results finally!

I went into Phil's office. He seemed kind of sleepy and bored. He showed me my OCA graph. He pointed to my OCA points. He said it was good that they were all "above the center line". He said that I had a really high Stability and Responsibility, then he pointed to these points on my graph that were at the very top. Then he said that I had a "low point". He pointed at it and he said that it meant that I was "unhappy". I kind of felt like crying all of a sudden, but I choked it back.

He then started talking about how Scn could help me with it and I butted in and asked if there was a "communication's course" at the mission, because I wanted to finish the TRs that Bill Ward had started with me. Phil looked surprised and said "Yes, we have the Success Through Communications Course" and then I said that I wanted to do it. He told me it would cost 50.00. I put the money in cash on his desk. I had it in my pocket because I did three paper routes for the San Jose Mercury News, and so I had cash. He said that I would need a "twin". I said that I had a twin! My twin sister. And he said, "Oh, no, someone to do the course with you" and I said I'd get my little brother to do it with me and I gave him another 50.00 for my little brother.
My poor little brother didn't know what was about to happen.


Part Three

Here is some more info about that twinning thing that I said, because I think that Programmer Guy has a good point, hopefully it will help make sense out of me having to get my own permanent twin (I'm not saying it was right that Phil required this of me before I started the course, but I think he may have had his own reasons-- Oh and there is the POSSIBLITY that Phil was talking to himself and I thought he meant me and I jumped in and offered my brother as a solution. Maybe he would have found me someone to twin with anyway.

Back at Steven's Creek when I signed up for my Comm Course, which was around 1980, late 1980, there weren't a whole lot of people on course at the times that my little brother and I showed up. In fact, there were times when my little brother and I were the only ones there in the beginning. After we started school, we only showed up in the evenings and weekends, then there were more people, there were lots of people, my little brother and I were the only kids, we were the ONLY kids and there were not a whole lot of adults who had the patience to work with us.

This course wasn't the watered down version of the Success Through Communications Course that exists now in missions, the pack I had to study had the same HCOBs as the Pro TRs course in it. That's right, I had to look up words like "East Grinstead" and "Sussex" on a basics course. What was up with that? I remember Larryanne McIntyre getting into an arguement with Pat Lee & Jim Leake about it and then for a short while, Jim was explaining things to me, I didn't have to read the entire HCOB. But then someone else came in (can't remember who) and argued him out of it and we were back reading the HCOBs because it wasn't good to get "verbal data" that wasn't really an M7. We did 0-4 twice and Upper Indocs twice through.

My brother and I required tons of attention. I fell asleep a lot on course because I only slept for four hours a night (had to do those paper routes still, up at 4:30 AM! and not home until 11 PM after course... then I'd sometimes watch Mission Impossible on TV until 1AM. And of course, those pesky MUs. Why wasn't I born with a college vocabulary? Sheesh! We so took forever to get through the course, we DID twin with others, I recall at least 10 different people working with me and my brother at different times, but there were many a time when all we had was each other and Jim and Pat and Kathryn and whoever else was available from the staff. Larryanne McIntyre, Brodie Noeske... others...

Hey! Well now I've said most of my part Three already.

My little brother RS was one and half years younger than I was, so he was only 12 1/2 at the time. He was a trooper, but he didn't have as much fun as I did (according to his later recounting). I kind of pressured him into it. I hadn't realized it, but I was more than a big sister to him because our Mom wasn't very proactive in our care and my step father wasn't around a whole lot... so my little bro followed me around out of necessity, not really because he always wanted to.

Here are some bits and pieces more to add to this part three. My little brother and I actually did the 2 hour confront twice, we weren't given any slack on on it. The first time we thought we'd passed it and then I think one of the other students complained that we passed our 2 hour confront even tho we had moved and fidgeted a few times and this other student thought it was unfair that we got a different standard than they did. (I thought the guy was just being a rat fink.. but heck, I was just a kid...) This other student's arguement was because he was hoping to get an easier 2 hour confront!.... little did they know that my brother and I were super heros and we agreed to come in again and RE-DO our 2 hour confront PROPERLY. Ha. So there.

It was easier the second time through because I came in on a Sunday afternoon, after I'd actually had some real sleep, I'd gone back to sleep after my paper routes and I was well rested and so was my brother, so we had no problem passing our 2 hour confront. I kind of saw my brother's face morphing and changing in front of me a few times, but I didn't say anything to the supe, as long as I didn't move or fidget or wink too much... I'd pass. It didn't seem to matter what was going on in my own head at the time.

That's something I didn't really understand about TR 0, it seemed to make me kind of detached, where I could get my body and face to seem very calm, but inside there could be a windstorm. I don't know if this was necessarily a good thing for me back then, when maybe I should have been getting in touch with how I felt and learning how to articulate and express myself.

On TR1 I learned how to parrot out lines from Alice and Wonderland, but I would have rather learned how to formulate my own observations and opinions and express and articulate those. The public speaking classes I'm taking in college right now are more what I really needed back then. The TRs were kind of a bad band-aid that got stuck on the wound and had to be painfully removed after the wound was infected by the band aid itself. (for those of you who appreciate graphic gore, the origin of this band aid analogy is from when I injured myself in a skateboarding accident (age 11). I scratched up my knee very badly, I got a bandage and used it. It was gauze. The bandage was good at first, it stopped the bleeding and kept dirt out. My knee heeled over and through the gauze pad. Every string of the gauze got stuck inside the new tissue of my knee. My step father had to get tweezers and pull each string of the gauze out of my knee because, after a couple of days, my wound was festering, the strings of the gauze pad were causing a bad reaction/infection. I learned that sometimes one must undergo some pain to solve a problem (I think I screamed for every gauze string pulled out of my knee) and I learned that sometimes a band aid or a quick fix can make the problem worse in the long run if it's not done properly). Wisdom from the school of hard knocks.

I was disappointed that I never learned how to really levitate ashtrays. I was still told that I "could with real tone 40" but I passed my Tone 40 anyway...

I tried to talk my twin sister Corinne into doing these TRs with us and she refused. She thought the whole things was "stupid". She was far more active in after school activities than I was, she was first flute in the band in high school (and was in Junior High too) Our high school, Wilcox, was probably one of the best high schools in California, we had a full blown orchestra, a huge drama club that put on musicals like Oklahoma as well as dramatic plays. I think my sister was in charge of five other flute players.

She had to practise for many hours. I couldn't learn an instrument. I was partially tone deaf. The last three notes on the scale and the first high notes all sounded exactly the same to me. It made me mad that I couldn't tell the difference between F and G and my sister could. For the longest time, I thought it was just a stupid game, the notes were really the same, but others pretended they weren't...

During my first year of high school, aside from struggling through my comm course, I also managed to save up enough money to buy hang gliding lessons, which I of course, went and spent on a motorcycle instead. I bought a twin cyclinder, 4 stroke Honda 125 street bike. I think it was a 1964. My sister and I would fight sometimes when I would be in the back yard trying to tune my motorcycle engine and she would be in our room (adjacent to the backyard door) trying to practise for an important school concert. Some of the fights we got into were so stupid.

I tried to use Tone 40 on her to get her to be the one to turn the light out in our room at night, but it never worked, she'd just roll over and go to sleep with the light on and I had to get out of my bed and turn out the light myself.

I convinced my best friend RB to sign up for the comm course and she did. I was excited. I invited her to my graduation on Friday night. I stood up in front of a bunch of people and said that I thought the comm course helped me to communicate better. Then my little brother stood up and he got scared in front of all the people. He looked like a dear in headlights and then he started to cry and some people in the front row clapped, then one of the Steven's Creek staff went up and got him off the stage. Whoops.

So RB was on course for a little while and then she bailed out after she got onto the bullbaiting. I don't know what the heck was going on in that courseroom that day, but she had these two guys gang up on her, like group bullbaiting. That had never happened to me. And these guys were really hitting on the sex stuff. My friend Rene was a Catholic girl. She had to go to confessions every Friday, having strange men bullbait her about her boobs and sex stuff actually made her start crying and run out of the courseroom. She came back and asked for a refund. Good for her. I was happy that she was sticking up for herself, but sad that she couldn't join with me in my new hobby as a Scientologist. She spent hours with different people, the Steven's Creek staff didn't want to give her a refund right away. She was a little older than me, but not much. She was 15, and she was on her own, her parents didn't come with her. Her Mom and Dad just told her to "get a refund" and that was it.

I remember walking into the Div 6 courseroom that day. I think it was Saturday afternoon. I saw my friend RB crying in front of Larryanne McIntyre and pleading with her saying, "I just need to get a refund.. sniff sniff, cry cry, please, I don't want to talk about it anymore." I started to walk over to them because I didn't like seeing my best friend crying and Larryanne looked over her shoulder at me and then stood up and told me to leave the room, that she had it under control. I just stood there, I didn't leave the room. I didn't know what to do, but I didn't feel right leaving the room. I sat down in a chair behind Larryanne so I could listen in. She wanted RB to sign something that said she couldn't ever get Scientology services again, RB got upset and said that her Dad said that she shouldn't be signing anything because she's a minor and that she wanted her refund without having to sign anything. So Larryanne finally gave up and gave her her refund. My friend was very upset. She never came back. She never complained about me staying involved, but we kind of drifted apart a little after that.

For the next school year, I just went to school, my sophomore year was more difficult and I had more extra things I was doing, so I didn't go to the mission at all for a while. In fact, I don't recall even getting phone calls. I sometimes wonder if I was so much trouble in the courseroom, that they were glad that I didn't come back? Either that or too busy. There was no "resign line" back then that I remember. I didn't get high pressured to sign up for anything after the comm course. As far as I was concerned, I was DONE.

But then... something happened with my little brother, he came home crying. He'd been at the Steven's Creek Mission and he was really upset. I'd never seen him so upset. I asked him what was up? And he told me that his Personality Test was "below the center line" and it made him unqualified for staff at the Steven's Creek Mission. He had gotten roped into helping out with grading Personality Tests, he'd made friends with the guys in the OCA department (guy with blond/brown hair I can't remember, Sarkis and Randy Merrill) and he was having fun. My little brother hated school, he was getting picked on, getting C grades, but working at the Mission was FUN for him and he wanted to join staff. I figured that my brother just didn't understand the questions on the OCA, so I went through every single question with him and I had him refill the thing out. It was a better result and he went on staff in Div 6. I got invited to more meeting and stuff after that.

I was impressed with Clay Primrose as a public speaker and his stories. He made me laugh, I could almost understand some of the Scientology stuff when he explained it. He was really cute too. Then I met Kingsley and I thought he looked kind of like a loser, but when he talked, he was an impressive speaker too. I guess I liked that about him, he wasn't a hot shot in appearance, but he could be one anyway. The crowd seemed to love him. The Div 6 courseroom would be full of people, maybe a hundred or more. Standing room only and they'd clap for like 10 minutes straight. The place was pretty electric. I could see why my little brother liked it better than school.

I got recruited to help in the Scientology Axilliary Services (or SAS) run by Bev Wimbush... more later! That's all for my part three...


Part 4
I am Twin A because I was born 7 minutes before my twin sister. Says so on my birth cert! We were not identical, ie we had seperate baggies that we floated around in the womb I guess. But we sure LOOKED identical for a while. My mom was a poet so she gave us rhyming names Maureen and Corinne and our middle names rhyme too, hers if FAY and mine is GAY (I had to conceal and hide my middle name throughout school because kids would always just start squealing "ha ha ha you're gay!, you're gay!") So now that you all know my middle name, I'll have to have you swear to secrecy... oh wait, I'm 41 now, I don't CARE anymore! I like my name.

OK, now for Part Four!

I mentioned at the end of part 3 that I started doing work for SAS, Scientology Auxiliary services. This didn't last very long, I got a baby sitting job, there was a day care center and I'd show up in the afternoons or sometimes mornings at this house with a bunch of kids and I'd watch them. At first, I did OK. I was told that it's best not to say NO and get mad, but to find better solutions, better ideas of things for the kids to DO, instead of just telling them what they could NOT do. Made sense to me. I took them out to the basketball courts at the nearby school grounds and tried to teach them basketball. Most of them were too small for that, but I improvised and gave them rides on my shoulders so they could be tall basketball players.

Christian Leake took a liking to me, he was Jim and Debbie Leake's son. I gave him rides on my motorcycle too --- Oh, Oh --- can't forget.... I GOT MY LEARNERS PERMIT FROM THE DMV in Jan 1982 because I was officially 15 1/2 and I paid for my driving school with my paper route money. But I witheld from others that it was only a learner's permit and I did not follow the rules of not giving other people rides on my motorcycle or having a licensed driver in a car with me when I drove I never got caught, no one found out so sue me. One of the kids complained to their Mom that I had scared him/her and so I wasn't allowed to take them out of the house to the playground anymore.

I was stuck inside with about 10 kids from 2 up to 10 and I'd never baby sat before... I thought it would be cool to have a water baloon fight! So I brought water ballons this one day and I filled them up and we went outside and had a water balloon war!!! These kids had so much fun, but then it got a little out of hand. I ended up inside the house cowering behind the open door of the refrigerator trying to protect myself from incoming balloons and I had my loyal team of kids behind me lobbing back water balloons. It had become boys against girls. One of the little boys got this idea that if he unrolled the garden hose and brought it into the house, that he could over power his enemy, and get water past the blockade of the refrigerator door... just then the owner of the house walked in I was so busted. She was mad, she banished all the kids into the living room to watch TV.

She sent me out of the house and told the other SAS member to have word with me outside...she said I'd tarnished SAS's relationship with this public Scientologist who had been good enough to let us use her house for day care and that I was too much of a kid to be watching kids... so I could not watch the kids anymore. Boo hoo. Well, that was it for my SAS stuff for a while. I still gave Christian rides on my motorcycle tho when I saw him at the mission, we stayed buds for a bit-- hey I need a smiley symbol to symbolize FLASH FORWARD and FLASHBACK. Any ideas?

I want to flash forward for a minute...I met up with Christian Leake years later when he showed up at Gold around 1991. He had changed his name to Chris and he didn't even remember me. I felt a little hurt, but hey, it had been a long time. Chris ended up staying at Gold and getting married to Roanne (the bosses grandaughter) He had this serious job assignment when he was in the Security Dept. before he'd gotten married too, he had to keep an eye on an ASI member who'd recently had brain surgery to remove a tumor, who had seizures constantly after the surgery. Chris would follow around with the oxygen tank. I saw the man have a seizure (and I'm sorry, the man's name escapes me at the moment, don't mean to be disrespectful or anything) once in the Qual Gold building, right in the lobby area and it was pretty heavy duty. Chris was right there helping out with the oxygen and holding the guy so he didn't thrash around and hurt himself, part of me felt proud that Chris could do that task, part of me felt bad that he had to get assigned to this task at such a young age, I think Chris was only 17. End of flash forward.

Back in high school, I was doing fairly well in school. Not because of Scientology at all, my step father was very helpful. It was helpful to have a guy with a PhD in computer science and mathematics, who had served in the Korean War, to help me with school work. (currently I'm back in college now and I so miss the guy. He was a casualty of my Scientology experience... more on that later...) It also helped to have a Mom who had graduated Stanford with honors (despite her mental problems preventing her from being fully functioning, she was a great teacher to me) with a degree in education.

My step father taught me to look up words before I'd ever heard of that at the Mission. He bought me my first dictionairies. If I used a word in Scrabble that I didn't know the meaning of, I'd lose twice as many points, man he was tough. He also taught me how to do demos. He didn't call them demos tho, he just showed me that it helped to use blocks and stuff to work things out. If I couldn't understand 3 +3, then I could put 3 blocks and then add 3 blocks and see it for myself. He showed me how to USE math and physics for practical things. Because of this, I had straight As every single year of elementary school AND high school so far. I was in the top 98.5 percentile of test scores (SAT) for the Santa Clara County school district, I'd tested as a genious at age 10, I'd been assigned to a special group called Mentally Gifted Minors and I did extra fun school assignments ( I got to be Goldylocks in a play at age 11 where I did the Three Bears in French!!! What a trip, it was my debut as a comedienne, I got everyone to laugh by way overacting --- who the heck could understand French, it was an all english school! So I mimed and waved my arms around a lot. When I broke the little Bears chair, I splayed out on the floor wildy -- I was a riot.

I'm not just saying all this to brag... this is a significant part of my life story. You see.. I wasn't that fucked up. I was nieve and emotionally troubled but I had a bright future so f___ any current Scientology staff who insist that Scientology "saved my life" and how I should be more appreciative, and not be critical, yeh -- I didn't need to be saved. I was gifted! I had a counsellor COME OVER to Wilcox High school to see me from Stanford University (I'm told this is rare) who told me that I would automatically get a FULL scholorship to Stanford if I kept up my grades and test scores and my MGM activities, PLUS I got placed/accepted in a work/study program where I was going to get to work as a production assistant at Channel 36 with pay AND school credits. I was in the drama club, our self formed film club-- I helped to found the film&video club at Wilcox! the bicycle club, the weight lifting club (yeh I lifted weights, I was tough!) AND I still had two paper routes ( I let someone else have the third one, San Jose Mercury News only allowed one paper route per person, so I got my arm twisted to give one of my routes to another kid-- I gave him the smallest one.) I took all this for granted. I didn't realize what I had, I had no idea what a scholorship to Stanford was worth!!

I was, however, despite my braininess, suffering from puberty, or really lack of it. My growth problems started to show at age 16, I still looked like I was twelve, still flat chested, still skinny with no hips. I was embarassed. I wanted to look all curvy and beautiful like my best friend RB. I had this crush on a boy in high school, GT, we worked on some film projects together after school. But alas, he fell in love with my best friend RB I just KNEW it was because she had boobs and I didn't!!! I also kind of felt like I'd lost my best friend too because she started hangin out with GT more often, and not me. I really had no reason to sulk, but I did...and guess what, the Steven's Creek Mission had ALL the answers to my sulkiness! Just walk into these two doors at this big little mission near the Meridian Quad theaters and walk away from my problems and start helping them with theirs! Their problems were bigger than mine! Kingsley said so, we all had to HELP. So...

I started hanging out at the Mission more often. I joined part time staff. A woman named Linda who was the HAS told me I could join the TTC (Technical Training Corp-- a mythical group of students who go on full time study and get educated in Scientology so as to increase the delivery teams of Scientology Counsellors and improve quality and speed of service to the public) But after I signed up, Linda said she needed help in HCO (Hubbard Communications Office -- all those jobs that have to get done to run the place that nobody really wants to do) instead, so I didn't get to do the TTC. How could I say no? Linda was a pregnant women and she looked so stressed, she was begging for me to work in HCO and so I said yes. She was about to become a Mom, I had to help her with her work didn't I?

I liked being with these enthusiastic adults, and now I was being given duties at the Mission so that I could be around them more... and I wanted to make Linda happy, Mom's should be happy. My mom often tried to kill herself when she was sad, so when I saw this about to me a mom all unhappy and overworked, little sirens went off in my head, had to help. Must help.. it really pulled on my heart strings. And for me, I had been given some big hopes, I could earn courses in Dianetics by working and I had f____d up my first Book One Session, so I had to learn more, had to be more responsible. Dianetics supposedly could help my mom and my little brother and so I had to learn it. My family needed some real help, not the crappy mental health system that existed today. This was all in the public lectures that I'd gone to. I remember in one lecture that Clay Primrose said that he had a Phd in Psychology and that his Scientology training was far more useful to him. I couldn't believe it at first, but Clay looked so believable, he looked like a bright smart guy, someone who you'd want to BE like.

Flashback, I forgot to put this bit in. Earlier on, I had purchased a Book One Seminar for 50.00. Either mid '81 or early '82. Anne and Carter Manier came from "Flag" -- I didn't know what it was, it was some kind of mountainous place high up for the big spirits or something. So on a weekend, I studied Book One and practised taking someone into session. Then I went to the Hilton and the San Jose airport where Anne and Carter, their son, and several other Scientologists that I'd never met before were there to supervise us. I took my little brother RS into session. He told me he wanted to fix this problem he had with getting anxious and scared when he was lost.

So I started the session with that in mind, but I was also going for "basic basic" the first engram in his life. He went "whole track" which I was not expecting. This wasn't covered in Book One, I was just trying to get basic basic. I had my little brother floating around in the womb and then I said "earlier similar" because it wasn't reducing in charge or changing, my lil brother went straight into a horrible nightmare of an incident. He was being bulldozed into a ditch with a bunch of other people who were skin and bones and smelled like they were dead. He had dirt in his mouth and eyes, and he caught glimpses of shiny black boots and the guns of soldiers at the edge of the ditch and the smoke coming out of the bulldozer's stack. Heads and arms and legs were rolling by... my brother started to scream. He opened his eyes in sheer terror and screamed WHERE AM I, I DONT KNOW WHERE I AM.

I was a little shocked to see my little brother so terrified, his eyes were bloodshot and his pupils were wide open, actually I was a lot shocked, I had nightmares of that look on his face for years. Anne and Carter's son came over to help me out. We got my little brother to close his eyes and I had him repeat "I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM", using repeater technique. My brother travelled on his time track to some medieval torture chamber, and then to some strange "space station" where he was being spun around and around in circles until he puked as a spirit I guess and didn't know where he was. Anne and Carter's son seemed to be just as lost as I was as to what to do. He went and got someone else to help.

We were the second to last couple of people left in this large room at the Hilton where everyone had been Book One auditing their first preclears. There were about 100 people at this place, 50 new auditors, 50 people being preclears. The women who helped me had blond hair, I didn't recognize her from the mission. She had my little brother come up to present time and then she ran him through several pleasure moments. She had him open his eyes and look around the room at stuff. He seemed just fine. His eyes were back to normal. He wasn't shaking anymore. She asked my little brother to recount the session a little to her, he only told her about the pleasure moments. He couldn't remember ANY thing else.

I was stunned. I sent my little brother to get snacks outside before the food was all gone and I went back to the other room with the training tables and I sat down and stared at the book Science of Survival. Someone else had handed it to me as I'd left the auditing area and told me that I had audited my little brother "over his head" and that he was lower on the tone scale and needed lighter processing than Dianetics. I tried to read the page they had turned to for me, but my eyes started to water. Ann Manier came over and asked me how it was going, I started to cry. She gave me a hug while I cried and asked what had happened.

I explained to her the horrible things my brother had exerienced on the "whole track" and I wanted to know how to keep bad things like that from happening again, and the bad session too, and she said, "well, you go "OT"! Of course, why didn't I think of that I asked, as I wiped my eyes of tears," what is OT?" She took me to the back of the room where there was a chart with some columns on it. She said she was at the very top doing things that were experimental (Ls? maybe), it was called Operating Thetan and it meant a powerful thetan/spirit that could control their environment around them. I wanted that. I didn't know it then, but my brother had told me in great detail significant things about the Holocaust that I had not heard about yet, I hadn't studied it in history and neither had my little brother. It is possible that my brother had seen some movie clips on TV of the holocaust but I don't really know. He knew the right year. I know I hadn't seen these films yet. I was still on American History, around the revolution and Civil War in school.

The pump was primed. I was shocked into wanting to become OT, I was ashamed of screwing up my first Book One Session and thinking I'd caused harm to my little brother...I had to learn how to audit properly and I had to become OT!!!!

End of flashback,

I agreed to work in HCO for Linda the HAS, and in return, I could do courses in the Academy. My first job assignment was to help in MIMEO. I learned how to use the mimeo machine and I was pretty damn good at it. This scruffy looking guy with reddish blond/grey hair showed me how to use the machine, how to ink it up, how to burn stencils, how to fix tears in the stencil with a piece of scotch tape. Where to file the "fair copies" -- black and white copies that the stencil gets made from, and where to file extra prints. Which colors of paper and ink were used for what.

There was the really really cute guy who could use this other machine, some kind of graphics art machine, in the same room as the mimeo office. I'd stare at him sometimes when he came to work. His name was Scott Chambers, he could style his beard differently every week. Oh, back to work -- I learned How to tell the guy over the area (the Director of Communications, Art ) when I needed more paper and ink. I got my own comm basket! At this time the Steven's Creek Mission had 150 staff, 50 full time and about 100 part time. I know, I had baskets for everyone. I got really good at mimeo, so I could do it fast and I got some duties added because I'd finish the mimeo orders and have time to spare (oooh was everyone just really impressed with me! I was hot, got a commend and everything) I started to hold reception.

There were 7 incoming lines and at around 6PM to 7PM, they would all light up at once. And not stop lighting up until after 10 PM. I'd have to hit the buttons one after the other and say "Church of Scientology, please hold, Church of Scientology, please hold, and put all seven on hold, and then I would go back to the first call and find out and route the call. The cope officer, Carol, had a heart to heart with me one day and said that my appearance wasn't good enough to be out front. She took me shopping for some nicer clothes and told me to stop chewing bubble gum while I greeted people and answered phones because it looked unprofessional. Especially the way I chewed it to keep it from sticking to my braces (paid for by my step father, thank you, my teeth would have been a train wreck with them!) Hey I was learning "people skills". I also learned some lunch skills from Carol. She taught me that I would feel much healthier if I ate a turkey and avacado sandwich with sprouts for lunch instead of just a snickers bar and a glass of milk. I appreciated the info, but snickers and milk were MUCH cheaper!

Some weeks later, I was with my brother on a short excursion with our step father. We got a little lost. My brother picked up a map, found out where we were and told my Dad which turn to take. I was stunned. He seemed so calm and cool and collected about it. He never got upset about being lost ever again. He even did a stint as a taxi driver later on, he has a very good sense of direction. Oh my god.. what a relief, maybe I did help my little brother after all, it's what he had wanted in that session and, even tho it was kind of rough, he got what he wanted and didn't even notice it. Or had I just scared the fear of being lost out of him? Who knows!! Or did he just learn how to use a freakin' map?

Well, that's all for my part four, more later folks, tune into this same station, this same thread later on.

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Part 5


Oh, almost forgot, info on my little brother: My little brother was not "hooked" by Dianetics, he was hooked by other things... little did he know, that he'd be following me into an adventure that would never leave him the same again [Outer Limits Music] :spacecraft:

Now for Part FIVE:

In 1982, prior to the summer, I worked part time at Steven's Creek and sometimes full time on the weekends. I was kept busy with Mimeo, answering phones, and errands for various people. My little brother worked in Div 6 as an OCA test grader. There were so many people filling out free personality tests, that my little brother had tons to do making the graphs for these and keeping the files up to date, etc. I got invited to staff meetings and partys. The FOOD was great! I was in a perpetual state of wanting to eat, so I loved the free food. Marcy Garrett, The ED's communicator, told me that if I ever had to do an "all nighter" that I could have some of the Hansen's sodas she had stock piled near the bookstore's book stocks. I said, what's an "all-nighter"? She didn't really answer me, but I was about to FIND OUT [VERY LOUD JAWS MUSIC, LIKE THE SHARK IS GETTING EVEN CLOSER]

One morning, think it was Saturday, I saw my first Sea Org Missionaire. It was Janadaire from the Commodore's Messenger Organization International. I had no idea what that was. I'd gotten a recruit letter from Mike Sutter at Commodore's Messenger Organization Clearwater, and I wrote back to him that I'd love to become a "Commodore", but I had to finish High School first. He never wrote me back. I misspelled and mispronouned Janadaire's name when she first called into Steven's Creek, and ALL the other times she called into Steven's Creek. Boy, when she arrived, she was mad that no one had returned her calls or answered her phone calls. The people she spoke to all said they didn't know SHE'd called, as if they WOULD have if they'd known it was HER! I brought out my phone logs to defend myself. There she was; Janna Dare, Janet Air, Jen Adare. I even had a pink piece of paper, a phone message I'd sent to the Chf Reg I think, where she'd brought back the little pink message slip with this written on it, "who the f___ is Janet Air? Please find out next time she calls!" Janadair (I'm probably not spelling it right now!) didn't get mad at me, but she did seem annoyed. She'd spelled her name out on the phone for me. I didn't know I was tone deaf at the time, or I could have given her that excuse d's and t's sound the same. I just kind of shrugged. I dont think she really thought that much of me, I didn't impress her right out of the starting gate.

I didn't see her around much, she sent around some surveys. I helped her put them in the various comm baskets. I didn't get one. Then she did some "briefings" that I wasn't invited to and she left. She was much classier than the Sea Org Missionaires I would later meet, her navy uniform seemed better quality and she didn't smoke cigarettes, but she also seemed kind of stuck up, well to me anyway. Oh I did see her do something that made me curious, I saw her using one of the phones at Steven's Creek to make a phone call. I thought I heard her say, "this line is clicking...", then she disgustedly, but calmly as if it was a boring everyday occurance, put the phone down and left. I was kind of concerned, since I handled phones and such. I had the phone and I was listening to the handset and wiggling the wire to see if the clicking sound would go away. Marcy saw me and asked what I was doing. She had to explain to me that if there is a clicking sound in the background of your phone conversations, that it means that the phone is "tapped" and that someone is listening in like the FBI. Sheesh, why didn't I think of that. I never knew if that was true or not, why the heck would someone tap the phones at Steven's Creek?

==>I didn't know if back then, but many years later Janadaire and I would get closer, I'd even take a shower with her...|

... should I leave you hanging on that one? Well... I think I WILL clarify, only because if you read through all the parts of my story up until I get to where I'm on the RPF with Janadair and you read what REALLY happened, you'll be disappointed if you think it was some kind of scandalous hot girl on girl action. Sigh, NO, it was not. Shame on you if you thought that.

This little summer of '82 tidbit might seem kind of boring, but it's really a big part of me getting more and more attached to my new Scientology family : My brother got invited to a camping trip with the Div 6 staff and some other staff. I drove with him out to Pinnacles National Park. We hiked around all day with Randy Merill, Robin something, Ray something, some Scientology public and others whom I can't remember the names of.

There must have been at least 15 people. I recognized a few of the guys from the Academy. They were on a course that was called the "SRD" remember that? The Survival Rundown. At night, we roasted marshmallows, hung out by the firepit singing songs. One guy had a guitar, someone had drumsticks. I coudln't carry a tune, but I COULD sing that song that was big back then by Human League, because it's not really singing, it's kind of a monotonous drone --- my kind of song. "I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar.. when I met you.. You picked me up, you bla bla bla and put me where I am now... " the chorus went something like this--- (it was a duet, the guy sings the chorus mostly) "Don't you Want me Baby, Don't you want me Ohhhoh? You know I can't believe it when you say that you don't need me..." This was the first time anyone got me to sing out loud in front of others since I'd had to sing in the Christmas choir in elementary school. Oh and that was a traumatic experience.

My new camping buddies and I sang a bunch of Beetles songs too, that was fun. Robin and I danced some as we sang, pretending to be singers. I'd only ever done that with my best friend, actually not really, don't think I ever had done that. My first kind of karioki I guess and I wasn't drunk! Nobody corrected me or told me to shut up because I sounded awful. It was so cool. I felt loved and accepted. And the party didn't have drugs and drinking. No one snorting lines of cocaine off of an agate, or drinking until they did something moronic or puking, or other high school crap. They also told stories around the camp fire.

Sarkis Barthamian told me a story about how one of the people who's houses he went to during his door to door personality testing spree, was some kind of under cover militant. Sarkis looked Israeli, or no -- Iranian, I forget which -- and the guy invited Sarkis into his house and then pointed a shotgun at him, a rifle. He thought Sarkis was a secret spy out to get him. Sarkis got out of it by "using the tone scale" and getting the guy to drink himself under the table by pretending to drink vodka with him. I remember being impressed by this story and wanting to learn how to "use the tone scale" like Sarkis had in his moment of life and death emergency.

I went to the bookstore at Steven's Creek and I bought "How to Choose your People" by Ruth Minchell. It had kind of an animated tone scale on the front. I read it from cover to cover. I had a hard time understanding any of it. I never chose my friends, they chose me and I usually liked people who chose me. There wasn't anything in this book about how to deal with a confused/crazed person pointing a gun at me. I was disappointed, to say the least. Marcy saw me moping around the bookstore after I'd read it and I was trying to find a better book. She tried to cheer me up about it, she said "it wasn't written by LRH". We talked a little, we got on the subject of word clearing (she was suggesting I use wordclearing to help me understand the Science of Survival book because this had the REAL" tone scale" in it) and I said, "Oh yeh, I know about that, I word cleared my little brother on his OCA!"

I was proud of myself for helping my little brother out. Marcy got kind of a serious look on her face and she said, "Um, that's a HIGH CRIME" I was about to be introduced to the Scientology ETHICS system. [JAWS MUSIC]. She showed me in this bulletin that said that word clearing someone on the OCA questions was a HIGH CRIME. I was kind of mad, but I didn't know what to say. I thought it should be a High Crime to send my little brother home thinking that his OCA results meant his personality was screwed up and he was worthless. Who the heck went and told my little brother that his OCA was "all below the center line" and made my little brother cry? Why isn't that a HIGH CRIME? I guess Marcy saw me kind of glaring at her and so she shut the book she was showing me and said, "It's OK, you didn't know" and then she gave me some errands to do. Nothing like work to do to cheer me up!

My first "all nighter" and it was my fault. I'd taped some construction paper letters up on some of the walls of the Div 6 courseroom for one of the staff's birthday partys. I think it was Clay's party. And the construction paper left permanent stains in the paint. I had to work with Dennis Dove, the Estates mgr, or janitor, whatever the heck he liked to be called, and repaint the walls I felt bad for the mistake, messing up the paint on the walls, but I had fun learning how to paint and meeting Dennis. I took a liking to him and I volunteered to help him clean the mission at nights. I got to drink tons of Hansen's soda! Grapefruit was my favorite. Kept me going into the night! We'd do silly things like put the Academy drill dolls (a stuffed pink panther) into the CSs chair with a pencil and a fake folder for "bugs bunny" or into one of the Reg's offices with the phone stuck to it's ear. The Academy Supe might have gotten annoyed that the stuffed animal/drill dolls were going missing, but I didn't think of that, I just thought it was funny. Dennis loved my help, he was able to clean all the windows and shampoo the carpets with my help.

Later Dennis told me he'd gotten into "trouble" because of the stuffed animals. He had to apply "conditions" . The CS felt that his office should stay locked and that neither I nor Dennis should have access to all the folders at night. I remember thinking, who the heck did the CS think was emptying his trash and ashtray? and vacuuming his floor? all this time? I thought it was strange that all of a sudden Dennis was in "trouble" for opening the CSs office as if he'd just done it.

I tried to start my Student Hat in the Academy, but I'd just fall asleep, but because I was in the Academy at all, I was now prey for student auditors! I got volunteered to help Dawn Hutchison on her Academy Levels. She was a student auditor. So I picked up the cans for the first time. Dawn Hutchison did my Scientology CS 1. She showed me the cans, there was this huge wooden partition back then between me and the meter because I wasn't supposed to be able to see the meter or what the auditor was writing I guess and it doubled as a book holder. I'd slouch in my seat sometimes and throw my eyes out of focus a little and I'd imagine Dawn's head floating on top of the wood partition. It was funny. Dawn always had me rub my feet on the carpet before each session. I wondered if it was to build up static electricity so that the e-meter would work better. She said it was to warm up my feet and make me more comfortable, but how the heck did she know my feet were cold? by me putting my hands on the cans? Oh and she could tell when my hands were dry and/or cold and I needed lotion. She also could tell if I'd eaten enough even if I wasn't hungry. Amazing. I recalled that someone had told me that Bev Wimbush was an" OT 3" and that she could "read minds", I'd purposefully not think of anything when I was around Bev Wimbush. I thought maybe she was like Dr. Doolittle and if I was thinking too loud, I'd distract her from her very important work, whatever the heck she was doing.

I wondered if being able to read minds had something to do with the e-meter and maybe there was a way to find out stuff without using the e-meter eventually. I wished I could read my own mind. I had a lot of questions about the e-meter, but Dawn just wanted to "do the CS" and the CS (oh the guy who didn't like us putting stuffed animals into his office) would write a "CS" too which was a piece of paper and not a person. These were instructions to myself and Dawn of what we were supposed to do in our session. I was to read the definitions of Scientology and Dianetics terms and then repeat them back and use them in sentences until I had a "floating needle". Only I didn't get to see the needle to see if it was "floating", Dawn had to tell me for me. Sometimes I'd have to demonstrate with paper clips and such. It wasn't easy. I kept dozing off and I just couldn't understand why I had to hold the cans so that I could tell the e-meter, I understood something, to then have the emeter tell Dawn, so that she could then tell me that I understood something, why couldn't I just SAY I undertsood it? Wouldn't it be faster? Dawn seemed annoyed at times. She'd sigh and tap her feet. Was it at me?

Dawn and I finally got through the Scn C/S 1! and went onto another step. We got into an argument over my first "grades process" question. She'd said, "recall an effort". I recalled a time I made an effort. I'd tried to get my cat to stay in box for travel to the vet. She thanked me, but then told me to do the same thing! I was mad that she didn't like my first response and I had to do it again! She said that it was "the process", I had to keep doing it, and we'd see "what would happen". Darn that! I was mad. I said I wanted to know what she thought an effort was because I had it right and I shouldn't have to do it again! She said that I had it right, we word cleared it and we were cool on the definition. But I wanted to know why I had to recall ANOTHER effort then! She said a bunch of mumbo jumbo and I guess I sort of understood it, I was supposed to just "do the command" and "see what was going to happen". So she told me to do it again, "recall an effort". I couldn't think of anything and it made me mad. She'd just repeated the command as if it would help. I finally screamed at her and said, "Bill Ward said that there is no such thing as TRYING things, you DO things. I don't make efforts. I DO things. I don't make an effort to deliver newspapers, I DELIVER THEM. And I'm ALWAYS on time. I don't make an effort to get straight A's in school. I GET STRAIGHT A's. I don't make an effort to clean my room, I CLEAN my room. I don't make efforts!!!!!

Dawn tried to explain to me that an effort wasn't something I'd tried to do and failed. I don't have to think of things that I'd failed at, I could think of things that were just plane efforts. And I argued," but an effort is when you TRY to do something, it's when you don't actually DO it." No, she explained, that wasn't it. I was so confused! And I could feel the electricity in the cans, my hands were starting to go numb, did she have the thing cranked up too high or what? I wasn't liking this "grades process". Dawn actually gave up and sent me to the examiner. Oddly enough, I didn't "red tag" which is when the preclear is unhappy after a session. I was happy that I'd won the argument! I didn't have to recall efforts anymore! :woohoo: Dawn seemed glad that I had not "red tagged", but I ended up getting one later anyway.

I was trying to impress Scott Chambers on my way home that night. I saw him get into his car at the parking lot so I jumped on my motorcycle and when I saw that his car was just behind me on the way out of the lot, I flipped my long hair back, hair that I spent 30 minutes styling like a Farah Faucet hairdo (but it never really looked like it, maybe a little close) in the mornings, put my helmet on and then kick started my motorcycle. I gave him a look. He passed me and I could have sworn that I'd seen him smile at me out the window of his car. Just then my motorcycle engine died. I had to kick start it again, but I looked forward to see if I could still see if Scott was looking out his rear view mirror maybe, and I slipped. My motorcycle fell on top of my leg and I was pinned between the curb and my motorcycle. Ouch. So much for trying to look cool. I realized how stupid it was to try and start my motorcycle while Scott was watching, because as soon as I put my helmet on, I looked like a retarded space astronaut anyway. Maybe that's why he was smiling, because I looked goofy. I had the cheapest helmet ever made, a huge white bulbous plastic thing that I'd gotten from Sears, so unstylish. I injured my foot. Then the next morning I had a cold. So I had to get a "repair session".

I didn't want to tell Dawn that I'd made an "effort" to get Scott to notice me, so I was glad that she seemed more interested in helping me to feel better. She had me rub my feet on the floor again. This time was different, I rubbed and rubbed and no go. I thought I was going to get rug burn. She actually got out from behind her wooden partition and came over and gave me a foot rub! I liked that. My foot was hurting from after dropping my motorcycle on it and it was nice to get my feet rubbed after that. It made them both feel better. We did something new, called "Date & Locate". I had to recall a time that I'd hurt my foot. That was easy, I'd just hurt it last night! And it was easy to recall another time, because...just because... I finally recalled a time "before I was born" and I felt happier and it seemed like my foot was feeling pretty good too. It could have been the foot rub, or it could have been the "date, locate", or both. I went to the examiner to have him double check to make sure my emeter needle was happy and floating. We were at the City Office in Sunnyvale and not the Steven's Creek Mission and we couldn't find an examiner, the guy who was there before, Carl, wasn't there anymore. So Dawn was my Examiner too! I didn't know she could do that. I said, "you're not cheating are you?" and she said she wasn't, that it was allowed. I said "OK".

Dawn then promptly sent my PC folder to Linda, the Ethics Officer, because I was "PTS" and I didn't see Dawn anymore after that. What the f___ was PTS?????
[super loud JAWS music--absolute pending doom]

I went to see Linda the Ethics Officer. She was a blond haired lady who seemed kind of like a tough lady, she would act like she was a very strict and mean with a stern look on her face, but every once in a while, she'd say something really funny. Like when I walked into her office to see her and she said, "what have you DONE?" and I said, "I uh..." and she said, "Oh I'm not talking to you, it's my baby" I said "what?..." and she said, "I have to bring my kid into the office, she's on the floor, look doesn't she look 'miss witholdy'?, like she's DONE something?" and I kind of just stood there staring blankly. Then Linda said, "Oh, you're no fun!" She yelled out her doorway into the hallway,'"Hey Brodie, look! doesn't my baby look miss witholdy? Like she's DONE something?" Brodie (I'd get Tom Hanks to play Brodie if a movie ever got made) came into the office and Carol V. and they looked at Linda's little baby, "she has DONE something!" Brodie picked up Linda's little girl and said, "Yeh, you DID something and I know what it is! and now you need your diaper changed!!!! " Ha Ha Ha. I didn't get the joke. But everyone else seemed to think it was funny. I waited for the laughter to die down and then I sat down to talk to Linda.

Linda said I needed to do a PTS CS 1, another list of words to clear. Man, did it ever end? When was I going to get special powers and learn how to save the world? What's with all the damn word clearing! I could be doing that in summer school! Which I skipped to be on staff!

Kingsley and Clay came back from Flag and they were "blown out". They stayed up all night long and wrote an Evaluation of the Steven's Creek Mission. They realized we were all "PTS to the Middle Class", so all the staff had to read this special bulletin. I printed some copies for everyone, red on white. It basically was about how people can get too involved with trying to do the things generally expected of them in society and let it keep them from paying attention to their deep spiritual needs. I didn't think that the Steven's Creek staff were PTS to the MIddle class. I had been to where some of them lived. They shared houses and apartments with other staff and didn't really own very much. Most of them owned crappy cars, except for Bernie Wimbush who had a jag.

I helped Kingsley type up the rest of his Evaluation because I could type. I'd taught myself so I could earn money typing things for my step-father, who was working on some novels. I could type pretty fast, but I had trouble with typos. So I stayed up late to get it all just right. Then I printed the whole damn thing with the mimeograph machine. I stayed up all night and so did Diane Noeske and Marcy Garret and some others. I remember them because they were funny and they fed me and thanked me profusely for staying up to help them. Pizza and more Hansen's sodas. I felt the love.

We collated the whole thing and distributed it so it was in all the staff baskets by morning. At the morning meeting the next morning, the staff were told they all had to read it and that they had a limited time with which to do "step 7" of the eval. I didn't originally have to do this step, but because I was labelled PTS earlier, Linda, the EO said I should do it. I had to twin up with someone and talk about times when I was dinged by others and times when I dinged others. Kingsley said that Dings were things like not saying "good morning" to someone in the morning, or forgetting to say Thank You, or other small things that might offend another.

I tried to do "step 7" with my sister, but she thought it was really stupid, I could think of a lot of things she did to ding me. Like when she took too long in the bathroom in the mornings, or when she ate the last of the the cereal in the cereal box and didn't throw it away, but put it back into the cabinet just so I'd get my hopes up to eat the cereal, grab the box... and what no cereal? Man that was a ding. I told my senior, the Dir Comm, Art that I didn't have anyone to do Step 7 with and he said that I didn't really have to do it. Later on, this would be good for me, that I didn't do the "de-dinging" thing because I didn't have to do the Keeping Scientology Working course later on for squirrelling.

Well, OK, I've typed a lot and I'm getting a little tired, so I'm going to jump to November 1982. Oh No, wait... have to mention, on my 16th birthday in June, I got my braces off!!! AND I got my first real Driver's License!!! But I didn't have any boobs yet. Oh well. I know,

Kingsley and Clay got declared "Suppressive Persons" by David Miscavige. They were apparently holding onto loads of public and making too much money from it, over 100,000 a week in Mission GI (that's gross income, not gross as in Yuk, gross as in before refunds and other corrections) and they were squirrels! The whole de-dinging thing was "not LRH" and so off they went, to whoever knows where, taking their wives with them. Oh except Clay, his wife divorced him earlier, she was some hot shot Olympic Games Committee coordinator and she thought Clay was a loser I guess.

Later on, I saw Clay near the Valco shopping mall and I gave him a ride to his apartment. Asher, his daughter was with him. They seemed awfully quiet. I found out from Marcy that when someone is declared suppressive, it means I'm not supposed to talk to them anymore! so I couldn't talk to Clay or offer him rides if I saw him. I thought that was strange. How was Clay going to be a Scientologist anymore if nobody talked to him? Well, basically if a person gets declared, they are publicly being told that they aren't Scientologists anymore. It's a HIGH CRIME for someone to publicy depart Scientology, but it's not a HIGH CRIME for Sea Organization staff to publicy tell someone else they aren't a Scientologist anymore. OH. So David Miscavige has the power to decide who is and who isn't included in the Scientology family? Yes, basically. None of this made much sense to me, but I was curious! I was kind of sad too, I had wanted to learn how to be a great public speaker like Kingsley and Clay, but alas... guess I'd have to learn from others. They weren't in the family anymore.

Later, Some chain smoking Sea Organization Missionaires showed up at Steven's Creek. Geary Titus and Ian Galloway . They declared more people. Ian was a stocky Irish guy with reddish hair. I kept having to bring him phone messages but he never seemed to answer them. One day I handed him a message and I squinted my eyes at him and said in kind of a hushed voice with a mock British accent, "Are you Ian Galloway?" I pronouned every letter, as if I was asking him if he was James Bond or something. He said, "yeh" and I said, "here is a secret message for you" and I handed him a folded phone message while I furtively looked over my shoulder and side to side. Then I quickly walked away. He thought that was funny. I had gotten him to smile! And he finally looked at his freakin' phone message! I only got statistics for calls that got routed through and completed. Not for unanswered phone calls. For years after that, whenever I saw him, I'd squint my eyes and say, in a hushed voice, "It's Ian Galloway". I drew out the Ian part, EEEEAN Gallowayyy, and tried to sound British, then I'd look around like I was checking to see if I was followed. It made him smile every time. He blew the SO I believe from the Int Base about 1989. I wonder what had happened to him. Someone said he might have been having health problems. I wouldn't doubt it, he smoked like a chimney.

Geary Titus had a foul mouth. When I patched calls into his office, I had to ask him before I hit the connect button, "Is this Geary Titus?" and as soon as he said yes, I'd patch the call. He got mad one day and said, "You don't have to ask me if I'm Geary Titus EVERY goddamn time!!" I said, "Yes I do, because others answer your phone that sound like you." He said, "No they don't, I have my own phone, I'm the ONLY one in this office." I said, "You don't have your own phone line Mr. Titus." and he started swearing and cussing, " I wanted my own f_____g goddamn phone line! --- who the fuck is answering my phone?" I told him the various people who could answer his phone from other offices and I said that I wouldn't patch his phone calls to them unless I know it's him, he calmed down and said, "OK, fuck it, I'll just say "this is Geary" when I answer the phone OK? I said it wouldn't work because there was another guy named Gary that sounded like him, I expected him to swear at me again, but he didn't. He just said, "OK, I'll say it's 'me', how's that? I thought that was perfect. As much I as didn't like his foul mouth, well... I eventually got one myself..., I did like that when he gave me an order (to stop asking if he was Geary Titus every time I rang his phone) he helped me figure out another solution so that I could comply.

All the Steven's Creek staff had to do OW write-ups. I wasn't as solemn as everyone else, it was excited. Some new group activity. My FIRST OW Write UP !!!! Little did I know that one day I'd get sick of these damn things!!!! This was before the bulletin was out that is currently in use in the C of S. What everyone did was use a small paragraph out of the small red Technical Dictionary on how to do the write ups. I found it kind of interesting how the "withold system" related overts and witholds to problems. I had to write down what problem I was trying to solve when I wrote down a sin/overt or a secret/withold. Hmmm, so if I did something wrong or embarassing, it was because I wasn't that great at solving problems. I wanted to learn how to solve my problems better. I was hungry. I ordered some Pizza, and root beer. One of the SO Missionaires, I think it was Ian, who walked into the space where we were all writing and saw the pizza and root beer and said, "what is this, some kind of fucking godamn party?" and it made me feel guilty like I'd done something wrong. But I was HUNGRY and I had to solve that problem!

And now for the final part of part 5!!! I met a Sea Org Recruiter... [crescendo of JAWS MUSIC, merge over into OUTER LIMITS MUSIC]:shark:

James Stemme who was a Flag Personal Procurement Officer. He told me that if I joined the SO, I would be able to swim in the Fort Harrison pool (NOT) AND finish all my schooling and college (not) AND do film school (not)And if I joined NOW, I was officially being recruited for the TTC and I would be on full time study until I became a professional Flag Auditor (not) so that I could help to save the planet! How could I refuse that!!! I signed on the dotted line. A billion year contract. It was what I had dreamed of, I'd become "an OT" like Ann Manier said to do, because Sea Org Members were OTs.

I took James to my apartment to get my Mom's signature on the parental consent form. My little brother was there at the apartment. He wanted to come with me. He didn't want to be left with my Mom, he wanted to come with me. So James signed him up too. My Mom was drunk, she had no idea what she was signing, but James assured us all we were doing the most important thing in our lives. He said we'd get to visit our family regularly, at least three weeks a year (not). JAMES STEMME, what a damn LIAR. Liar Liar pants on fire! He basically kidnapped my little brother and I, stuck us in his car, drove us to the San Francisco airport (oh I got a tour of the San Francisco Org at night) and then put us on a red eye flight (that's code for you fly at night when you are supposed to be sleeping, but it's not easy to sleep in the plane, so you arrive at your destination with red eyes) to Tampa airport. He didn't even tell anyone we were coming. We showed up at the airport and sat there waiting. Wak, oh, no it was Wik Allcock saw us sitting in the airport and figured he'd ask us if we were looking for a ride to the Fort Harrison because we looked out of place, two kids with no parents sitting at the airport with a bunch of suitcases. I said No, we had joined the Sea Organization, Flag. Wik laughed and said, "well then you are with me, come on!" Wik seemed so happy to see us, he was positively elated.

OK, this is the end of Part 5 folks! Only 18 years now of Sea Organization to write about!

Part 6
So I arrived at the Fort Harrison with my little brother in tow. We had a bunch of suitcases which we left in a room full of junk just off of the front entrance area. Then we went to the reception desk. We waited.... and waited... and waited... and finally we were greeted and noticed :) I told the lady at the desk that I was supposed to see someone named Linda (think it was McCarthy?) who was the HAS FSO. That's what the note said that James Stemme had handed me. She told me where Linda's office was, pointed upstairs to the "Mezzanine". Linda wasn't at her desk. Someone else in the office said she might be over "by the Cabannas" and pointed outside the main building to some rooms in the back. We headed back there. We wondered around the FH for a while looking for Linda. I noticed that the place seemed incredibly messy. I was a neat person, I'd kind of learned it was important the hard way --- my Mom stopped cleaning my room for me when I was nine and I couldn't find anything, so I learned to clean my own room, it was do or die!

The Fort Harrison was bordering on filthy and I was not impressed. I then saw a group of people cleaning! I was curious. I walked closer and I saw someone I recognized from Steven's Creek! Hey HI, big hugs. I forget her name (she's still in the SO at Celebrity Center, has short dark hair, much older now of course, but she's still involved --- still cleaning, she is Manor Services of something like that). She looked nervous, like she was supposed to not stop and talk to us, but she told us to wait while she went to talk to her IC, she came back and told us that we needed to go back to reception and ask for a "routing form" for new recruits for the SO.

My little bro and I went back to reception and waited and waited and waited, until finally someone paid attention to us. I was very polite back then, so I could wait for people who seemed very busy. The receptionist wanted to know what we needed, and we said a "routing form". She said, OH, why didn't you say so!

Now, because we had waited at the airport for so long before getting a ride and we had spent so much time wondering around the FH, well it was getting late now, so the receptionist just sent us straight to the berthing in charge to get a place to stay. It was Carrol Allexander. He asked us what "org" we were in and we said "the Sea Org" and Carrol, kind of frowned and said, "well, since you are kids, I'm assuming you are in the CMO, so I'm going to put you in CMO berthing out at the HOC, the Heart of Clearwater.

We got a big nice room all to ourselves that night, well I thought it was just us, but when I woke up, there was another guy in the room that was not my little brother. He explained that he showed up last night too and this was the only room. He was in RTC. His job was to register the copyrights and trademarks for Dianetics and Scientology in all the foreign countries. He was a short thin guy with dark hair and glasses and a bit of an accent. I had no idea what his accent was. It could have been European or Australian for all I knew. I think he said his name was Allen, he was very helpful, he told us that we should get another dorm because this room was his. He didn't wear a regular SO uniform, he had a suit and tie and nice slacks. He didn't seem mad at us at all, he smiled a lot. He kind of reminded me a bit of Woody Allen for some reason.

He then left to go eat breakfast at the FH. He walked out the door and I realized that I didn't know where to go for breakfast myself, well the guy was a mind reader! He turned around and told us that we should follow him to come and get some breakfast. My little brother and I followed him to the FH. He was a FAST walker, very hard to keep up with. We arrived at the FH for breakfast. We got some eggs and sat down at a shoddy looking round table with no table cloth. I felt uncomfortable, so I ate fast. The young man from RTC with the suit and tie saw us again and suggested we follow him again if we needed to go to the CMO. So he lead us down the street to another building called "the WB". I can't remember what the WB stands for. Something Building. Up on the third floor we met the HAS CMO CW, Peach Khaled.

The first person I'd ever met with a South African accent. She sounded like a stuck up snob, but she was actually a very nice person. I don't know why I equated that accent with snobbery, but I did. She gave us the grand tour. She showed us the rest of the WB that had the FB in it -- actually I think it was still called the IMO and it was changed a little later over to being called the Flag Bureaux, she showed us the CB that had the ITO in it and a GO office, we stopped by the GO office to get our GO background checks started and we got a briefing as part of our routing form.

I was overwhelmed by all the acronyms and abbreviations, I don't even remember what the GO person told me. After the grand tour, Peach put us to work in the CMO laundry room at the Sand Castle. My little brother and I cleaned rooms at the HOC for the CMO and we did everyone's laundry, about 20 people were in the CMO CW then. It would take us until 4AM sometimes to iron all the shirts and deliver them to the rooms. It was hard work. I was so happy that I didn't have to wake up at 4:30 AM anymore to deliver newspapers but only sleeping between 4:30 AM and 9:30 am in the mornings started to bother me after a couple of days.

I called my Mom and sister on the pay phone outside the CMO laundry room and I complained. I said I didn't like the Sea Org, the place was dirty, I was being asked to work until 2AM or 4AM sometimes, I wasn't very good at ironing and I got complaints about "double creases" in the pant legs and shirt arms. I wasn't a happy camper. Oh and there were cockroaches in my new dorm room. I got the highest bunk to avoid them, but they were still in the bathroom. I didn't like the cockroaches. My sister complained, she had to explain to everyone why I'd suddenly disappeared. My art teacher was pissed off, I was in the middle of making a statue of the school mascot, she had to find someone else to finish it. My sister and my friend RB got my newspaper routes turned over for me. My sister didn't like being left alone with my Mom, but I felt that she needed to see what I'd been fielding for her, she needed to grow up a little. I didn't realize it then, but I think I'd made my sister hate my Mom. I think it was a shock to suddenly have to deal with my Mom alone, it didnt' really make her grow up, it just made her stressed out and troubled and she fell prey to the Steven's Creek staff -- who got her on course finally.

The next day, Amy Alexander came to see me, she said since I was on the CMO EPF, she was my senior now. She wanted to know why I was so late on the laundry and she said there were complaints that we were "out PR" because two kids carrying laundry between the Sand Castle and the HOC (a good one mile walk) at 2AM was "out PR". I had no idea what OUT PR meant at the time, but I could get the idea. Amy did a "time motion study" of us doing the laundry. She was able to cut out a good three hours out of our work, I was impressed. She showed us a fast way to iron shirts, showed us a hat write up written by her brother, Todd, with diagrams and everything on the fast way to iron a uniform shirt and uniform pants and skirts. We did not have to iron the sheets at all ( my Mom liked her sheets ironed, so I ASSUMED that sheets got ironed too! ). Amy arranged for us to be able to eat meals at the Sand Castle if needed so we didn't have to walk all the way over to the Fort Harrison to get food all the time. She even arranged for me to use a car to drive the laundry to the HOC instead of having to push the large Sand Castle laundry cart back and forth. She told me that Jeannie Lucciardi, who was the CO CMO CW then, HATED double creases on her shirts, so to be extra good about her creases.

Well, these changes kind of cheered me up a little. My little brother also was told that he didnt have to work on the weekends because it was against child labor laws or something like that, he got every weekend off for "libs", I was jealous. I started to get concerned about school, I asked the young lady who had been assigned our guardian, Jackie Delalez, about school and she said, "you don't want to go to school here, they will just make fun of you for being a Scientologist and it's just "wog" school anyway, you won't learn much." I said that I needed to finish High School, I wasn't made fun of in my high school and I was learning things, so why would Clearwater High School be different? Jackie, said, "OH, Clearwater High is VERY different, they will literally throw eggs at you and call you a Scino". I was getting homesick for California all of a sudden...

Peach needed to "have a word with me". I had gotten my first chit. One of the Sand Castle crew had overheard me "nattering" on the phone to my sister late at night. I liked Peach, I didn't want her to be dissappointed with me, I wanted to be her friend, so I felt uncomfortable when she was giving me a stern look and not smiling, but I actually didn't feel like I'd done anything wrong. Peach explained to me a bit about natter, and said that complaining about things was wrong, that I had to DO something about improving my environment and not complain. She wanted to know about all my phone calls and exactly what I had said. I had to write down what I could remember. She said, OK, that was all, I could go back to work -- that Amy would talk to me again later about it.

Well, later came and what Amy told me was that my little brother and I had to do the Sea Organization Estates Project Force. That we had to do this for a month before coming to work in the CMO. We had to go report to Pat Breha in the CB building and we would be working part time and studying part time and we only had a month to do the EPF program or we would be "offloaded". I was a competitive person, I was up for the challenge, if other people could do this project force in a month, I could!

When we showed up to do the SO EPF at Flag, there were about 50 people doing the program! Wow, the musters were huge. We had to stand in 7 rows of 7 to 9 people. It is now December 1982, it's kind of cold outside, but the weather isn't too bad. We would muster on top of the Fort Harrison parking structure. I'd get blown about by the wind, but it was more fun than doing laundry.

We were the cleaning crew for the Fort Harrison. My team got assigned to floors 9 and 7. We'd compete with the other EPF teams for how fast we could go through each floor and clean them, with towel service and everything and we'd get votes too. I got made a Deputy In Charge on my team. To me it was a game and I was really good at it. My team eventually got more floors added. We even got assigned to clean some of the staff berthing spaces on floor 3. Oh man, they were horrible. I wished we wouldn't get to them at the very end of each day before dinner, because it would turn my stomach the way some of these rooms smelled.

On the EPF, I made new friends, I met some people that I liked, Camilla, DeAnne, Booker T., Lars Bystrom ... I could probably name out all 50 people if I tried real hard memory wise...

Well, I got to go to my college Algebra class, so this is the end of Part 6


Part 7
Well, hello everyone...sorry for such a long Intermission! I got really occupied over the holidays with school finals and social stuff. Alas, I can't help it if I'm so popular.

Ah yes... the granola at Flag. I actually discovered the "secret stash", the really good granola that was being kept at the Sand Castle where I had to do the CMO EPF/laundry duty. The small CMO CW laundry room had a back door that went right into the Sandcastles galley area, the kitchen area for the restaurant. When I had to do my Clearance Security Checking to go to the Int base in 1983, I spent some time explaining how I had taken the granola at 4 AM or 6AM and some cream and ate it when I wasn't supposed to. It was out of the galley storage area reserved for the "public". I couldn't resist. I guess I wasn't disqualified from Int for stealing granola and cream from the Sand Castle :whistling: Damn, I should have been! Theif! Little did anyone know that I would continue my life of food crime later on up at Int...

I know I was talking about the Sea Org EPF, so I'll pick up there. So, it's December 1982. After cleaning rooms for a while, the EPF started getting larger tasks. One of those tasks was to move the Snr HCO files from one large room into a different large room. Or maybe it was the FSO's files INTO the new SNR HCO space. We set up a human chain and passed boxes between ourselves until they were out of the room and into the other room. I remember that it was hard work, but we made jokes to keep ourselves from getting bored. Some of the jokes made me laugh so hard I almost dropped the box being passed to me. I don't know who started it, it was someone at the head of the line. If the box was really small, then it was the "ethics file" of some saint or angel. If the box was exceptionally large, it was "Mussolini's" ethics file, or "Hitler's" ethics file. If the box was really old and falling apart, it was some Egyptian pharoah's file. We'd pass the box and pass on the comment too. I remember this large black man named Booker T. and a young lady more my age, Camilla, who were on either side of me sharing these jokes and laughs. I felt like I'd connected with these people and I was making friends by working hard and trying to make whatever experience we had together somehow "fun".

I had my first terrible illness around this time. I was cleaning out one of the rooms at the Fort Harrison and I noticed that someone had thrown away an entire package of rick cakes, unopened. I didn't think to look at the expiration date. I didn't think that dried foods had expirations dates. I assumed it had accidentally fallen into the garbage can. I took it out of the garbage can and placed it back on the top of the dresser near by. The next day, it was back in the garbage can. I thought, "oh, this guy does not want them" and I took them. I was hungry as usual, so I opened the bag and I ate one. It tasted like cardboard. I ate a second one to make sure I didn't like it before I threw the rest away.

Later in the night, I got food poisoning. I didn't know at the time what it was, I just knew that I got sick and I figured the rice cake had something to do with it. I was standing at evening muster on top of the FH parking structure. I was at the back of the line at muster and so I took several steps backwards and turned away from the crowd before I started wretching. While I was bent over puking, muster ended and everyone left. I just sat curled up in a ball next to a car so no one would see me. I was embarassed. It was cold and windy up on top of the FH parking structure as usual. I don't remember who told me to go see the MO, but someone must have, because I did actually stand up and, leaning into the wind, walk all the way down the parking structure and over to the CB building from the FH to see the MO. There was a person who had walked me part of the way over to the CB. She had pointed out where the door was and how to get the rest of the way to the MO and left. It might have been Deanne or Camilla. All I had to do was go in the door and turn right to get to the MOs office. I didn't make it to the MO's office. I threw up one more time on the way there, and the wind just blew it back all over me. Then I shat in my pants, I had diarrea and I could not hold it. I really stank. So I was standing outside the CB covered with puke and crap. I was kind of weak and shaking a little. Sweat was running down the side of my head. I'm sure I looked green, because I felt green. The MO's office was right in front of the CO ITOs office at the time (a tall guy who wore his lanyard on his left shoulder and not his right, named Quentin something). I could not make myself walk into the CB building smelling like I did, I didn't want the CO ITO or anyone else to see me like I was, so I just kept walking and I walked all the way back to my dorm at the Heart of Clearwater, otherwise known as the "HOC", third floor. I had a top bunk of a three bunk high bunk bed.

I cleaned myself up in the bathroom, stayed in the bathroom for another hour near the toilet and then I retreated to my top bunk and I curled up and slept. I slept in such a way that someone looking up to my bunk from the floor would not see me. I slept off and on all night and the next day. I had chills and fever and more barf and more poo. It was horrible. So I was missing for a day and a half. Someone had reported me "blown" so when I showed up on Monday morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, I got thoroughly questioned about why I had not shown up at the MOs office and why no one knew where I was.

I got put on another "routing form". It was different than my new staff member routing form, it was not all typed up. Pat Breha just wrote down who I was supposed to see. I had to see the MO on the routing form even though I was not sick anymore. I told her I was supposed to see her when I was sick but I was embarassed and she seemed understanding. She said that going off to get rest was the right thing to do, but I should have told somebody. I was then sent to see the EPF Master at Arms. I don't remember who it was, I think that Pat Breha was holding it from above. He talked to me and then sent me to the word clearer. Now this is where it kind of gets weird... right before I threw up and got sick (after cleaning rooms, but before evening muster), I had listened to a tape play in the FH auditorium with a bunch of other staff called "the Role of Earth". It was an LRH tape that was impossible to understand. It talked about the "fifth invader force" and aliens and other stuff. The quality of the tape was horrible, the worst I'd ever heard. The word clearer had me clear the word "Fifth Invader force" which is what I'd heard before I gave up trying to make sense out of the tape. Then my routing form was done. I had been sick and "blew" because of my MUs??? I mean that was the impression I got, that the interviews and stuff I got as part of my "routing form" for being sick was to find out if anything spiritual existed to be behind my illness. Lo and Behold, I had an MU!

And I thought it was just a bad rice cake. Silly me!

At the end of December I requested some time to visit my mother in Santa Clara. I needed to get the rest of my personal belongings from my apartment in Santa Clara and visit my family. It was OKd! All I had to do was write up my overts and witholds and get a meter check before I left. So I wrote down how I took the rice cake out of the room at the FH and sometimes change off the counters so I could buy snacks before study time at night, otherwise, I'd fall asleep. I was addicted to the Apple Oatmeal cookies available through the vending machine at the CB, right outside the courseroom. Well, I got my meter check and then I went to visit my Mom! She paid for my plane ticket. How the heck did she manage that, I will never know.

When I arrived, it felt so great to be home. My motorcycle was still there and I was able to start it right up. I gave my sister a ride and we went over to visit my friend RB. I tried to give my sister motorcycle lessons, she wanted to learn how to ride one. Co seemed more interested in me than ever before. I got the feeling that maybe she had missed me.


Gary Ward, one of Bill Ward's sons, came over to say Hi. Oh, shoot, I almost forgot, I did have my little brother with me! How could I forget that. We both were doing "well" on our SO EPF and got OK to visit home over the Christmas season. I told Gary we had joined the "Sea Org" and i thought he would know what it was since his dad, Bill was a Scientologist. Gary said he didn't even know what it was. That made me feel a little bit confused, but Gary didn't seem worried or anything about it, so I didn't really question him more or talk to him more about what he thought about the Sea Organization.

Gary had joined the army earlier, before my brother and I had joined the SO. He had some wild stories about how he had been stationed in Germany for a bit and how he'd take his guitar to some local pubs and told people he was "Van Halen's brother" and drew a big crowd. I thought it was funny. Plus, apparently Gary could drink plenty of beer in Germany even though he was not 21 yet and he thought that was excellent. I showed Gary my step-fathers porcelain beer mug (called a "stein" I think) from Germany. It had a watermark (is that the right word? It's an imprint in the porcelain) on the bottom of a naked women and when you drink all your bear, you can see it. Gary thought this mug was great. I think my step-father had been through Germany too when he was a soldier.

My little brother and I wanted to play our version of cops and robbers. It was kind of a rainy day, but we liked to play outside anyway. Our game was this: We'd have one person hold the remote to a remote control truck, a toy that my brother had, and the other person would have the truck. The person with the truck would go and hide somewhere and the person with the remote, the detective, would use the lights on the remote to know when they were getting close to finding the hiding person. The lights showed if the truck was in range or not. Plus, the truck was on and if the detective needed a clue, he could push the accelerator on the remote and listen for the tell tale signs of the truck's wheels spinning.

My brother took the roll of the cop/detective and Gary and I hid. I had the truck. Gary and I picked the lock of a storage shed of one of the neighboring apartments and hid inside it. Gary said he was bored. I turned the wheels of the truck off so my brother couldn't make them run. Gary seemed a little sad, something had happened to his brother Keith Ward. Keith had had a big traffic accident and was paralyzed and in a wheel chair and was really depressed. I didn't know what to say. Gary asked if I wanted to smoke a joint. He said it was "really good stuff" he'd gotten over in Amsterdam. I said "sure" and so we lit up. I just took one puff. I didn't really notice anything besides that I felt kind of light headed. But then my brother finally found us and he was so mad, and all I did was laugh at him. I think he started to cry. My bro was mad because I had turned the wheels of the truck off, which was cheating. He could have found me sooner because he came near us several times. And then the batteries went dead on the remote and my brother really felt that we had not played fairly. I didn't mean to upset my brother. Gary and I just laughed at him. I'm sure my brother had no clue what was going on. I didn't really either. Everything was funny to me, even my little brother crying.... so strange.

The gravity of my situation had not really hit me. I spent the weekend with my mom, my step dad, Gary Ward, Co, my brother and I visited my best friend RB. I kind of took them all for granted, that they were there, that this was my "home". I never once thought for a moment that someday I would not have this home, that someday my little apartment with the green carpet would be too expensive for my mom to keep renting with her disability checks. That I'd only see my Mom's plastic Christmas Tree one time again (my step dad thought it was wrong to chop down trees for Christmas, so we bought an expensive plastic tree that we unfolded and set up every year. It was worth it tho, it lasted for years and years) I never once thought that my joining the Sea Org would be a permanent life changing decision. It hadn't hit me, it just had not. I was kind of thinking of the whole Sea Org experience as some kind of summer camp outing.

I'm almost sure that my brother thought of it like that too. We never suspected that we'd be denied visiting time with our family for many years, that this weekend would be the last we'd see of our Mom until 1987. That we'd essentially been kidnapped. This short allowed visit kind of just put a smoke screen over that fact, that we'd been taken from our Mom, our Step Dad and put to work slaving away for long hours in Clearwater, studying a bunch of bullshit Flag Orders and Welcome to the Sea Org tapes about how we were somehow now responsible for saving the world. About how we were the chosen few who were going to salvage this sector of the Universe!

Well, at the end of that long weekend, I put some of my personal things in a box that I wanted to bring to Clearwater with me. My large stuffed Moose that I'd found in a dumpster and I'd cleaned up and sewed little heart shaped buttons on him for eyes. I also had my Schwinn unicycle which was really hard to pack into the box. I had to unscrew the pedals. I had my CO2 cartridge pellet gun. It was a small handgun. It looked like a real gun. I'd never get that on a plane nowadays! I had my favorite pair of chamo fatigue army pants and my oil paint set. I got an oil painting of the ocean I had done into the box. I got my brown sleeping bag into the box too. Bringing all these things with me made me miss home less and I was kind of happier. But like I said earlier, I wasn't that sad because it didn't really hit me that I was leaving home!

My Mom wanted to know what to do with my motorcycle, since she wasn't really allowed to keep it in the parking structure anymore. The apartment manager had complained, she only had one car space alotted and could not take up more space with the motorcycle. I made a big decision. I signed over the pink slip to my Mom and told her she could sell it and keep the money to pay her back for our plane tickets. I was sad about that, but I really couldn't continue to burden my Mom with looking after my motorcycle. I told her to make sure she told any potential buyer that the back wheel wasn't well "balanced" and it wobbled on the freeway. It was a safety issue. The bike ran exceptionally well otherwise, but wasn't really suited to high speed highway usage. Apparently my honesty about the back wheel got my Mom more money for the motorcycle. A potential buyer said he'd test rid the motorcycle and it was just like I'd said, worked great except the back wheel wobbled and so he paid 200.00 for it instead of the $100.00 my Mom was asking. She sent me the extra $100.00 later on and I bought a pair of black Dan Post cowboy boots, that I still own today!

Well, we said our goodbyes and I got onto a plane out of the San Jose airport headed for Clearwater once again, with my little brother in toe. I told my sister to come and visit me. She said she would. We were flying away again...This time it was different. It was if we both had made some decision to stay in the Sea Org longer. We'd made some connections and friends, or so we thought, and we were interested in these new people, interested in the group dynamic that was evolving around us.

As far as "Scientology" was concerned, we were fairly clueless about it as a religious concept. We'd been exposed to the Basic Study Manual (the old red book with the white circle in the middle) the Sea Org "Basics" --- the Welcome to the Sea Org tapes, some Flag Orders, an old Intro to Scientology Ethics book (I remember the edition I first read still had wearing a black rag on one's arm as being part of the condition of Liability) I might have helped on some "Admin TRs", and that was about it. I don't really know what was religious about all that.

I had seen some Sea Org executives in action, organizing large amounts of EPFers and getting us to operate as a team and getting tasks around the FH and CB done. I wanted to become like that. I assumed that "Scientology" would help me grow up and do adult things such as being a leader and I had some hopes for this.

I really liked the "Environmental Control" policy letter. I wish I had that policy letter now to re-read it. I still consider that trying to DO something about things that one doesn't like to improve them is better than merely complaining. You know, pitching in and helping, rather than just finger pointing and yapping. (Hmm, maybe CCHR should try that?) I carried this misconception from my Sea Org EPF onwards that all I had to do in the Sea Org was to work my way up the ranks, become more influential and then I could make the changes I felt were needed to be made. I had this delusion that I could make Scientology be what I wanted it to be, and all I had to do was work hard, help out, study hard and learn more and life would get better --That the condition of Scientology and it's buildings were MY responsibility too and if I complained, I might as well just complain to myself.

This policy letter and other basic Sea Org references kind of gave me a false sense of ownership really. I remember thinking, Wow, all these buildings are mine? All these people are my team? This is my game too?
This was exciting to a kid who'd always dreamed of living in a large home with a pool like the one I had when I was two. And of course I'd dreamt of being popular and having lots of friends! Well now I had all that, The FH was certainly a large home with a pool! And I thought it was my HOME now!


Upon my return to the Fort Harrison, I had to go see the SO EPF MAA. The job was being held by my friend Camilla. She did a meter check on me after returning from my weekend off which I passed. She then told me that because I had stolen change out of the FCCI's rooms earlier, before I'd gone to visit my family, I had to apply ethics conditions for this. She helped me figure out my condition. We assigned me Treason.

I made it through this somehow. The worst part of it wasn't really having to own up to snitching change out of the rooms I was cleaning once in a while, that wasn't that hard to do. The people's whose rooms I was cleaning were from Steven's Creek! and they didn't care. They knew me, they would have given me the change if I'd asked. But being forced to go to study without being able to buy Apple Oatmeal cookies on the break, was a nightmare. I just would fall asleep instantly after break was over. Having been a weight lifter in high school, my lean muscle collection burned calories 100 miles per hour. If I didn't eat a snack, my blood sugar just crashed down to unconsciousness. I barely finished my SO EPF in time. I got labelled with a "study bug" for my propensity to fall asleep after the 9:30 break, which kind of went into my personelle folder, but other than that, I had lots of commends for my hard work.

I felt like I'd made a good connection with those at the ITO that I'd been supervised by, Chuck Beatty, Anton and his wife, another Asian guy -- named Gary I think. They'd all been really helpful towards me to help me get through my courses before my one month probation was up. I finally graduated the SO EPF and I went back to work for CMO CW.

OK folks, that's as much as I can put in on this part. We are now up to January 1983 in my story. Stay tuned for more details... did I ever get into trouble for smoking Pot on my Christmas off? Did I ever resolve my "study bug"? Keep checking for more installments, and now a word from my sponser...I don't have a sponser. I'm just writing this for the heck of it.


Part 8
Howdy again all. OK, there will be some gaps in time in my story telling. If there is a LONG gap, no need to worry...I haven't gone back on staff!!! Even if that heinous idea occurred to me, I don't think anyone would accept me. I am no longer a doe-eyed youth willing to do anything for acceptance, nor listen to anything without question. I'm 41 years old, I don't give my work away for free and I'm a skeptic. Basic out quals for staff.

I could just imagine me on staff now....If I was on staff and if someone were to approach me at 11PM at night, and ask me to stay up all night to prepare a meadow for planting the next day, so that next Spring when Tom and Nicole show up, Tom could romp through the field of wild flowers with Nicole. I would not repeat my earlier mistake and swallow my disappointment at losing yet another night of sleep, and meakly say "YES SIRS" I would not end up staying up most the night doing back breaking work in the mud rolling up sod rolls, thinking "wow, isn't it so cool that T.C. is a Scientologist."

Instead, I'd be kind of recalcitrant, I'd ask questions, I'd demand an explanation! I would probably say, "Doesn't this project, involving C of S International assets and funding, go beyond the normal marketing and promotional expense of a non-profit religious group? Is fulfilling sexual fantasy's a Scientology service now? Wouldn't it be considered some kind of inurement? Tom Cruise is a millionaire, can't he hire workers to plant a wild flower field if he really wants one? Oh, this is a fantasy he's had, he doesn't know we all know he had it? Does he really need Scientology religious workers to help him fulfill his fantasy life? I thought the Scientology "technology" was supposed to be used to impress people, not manual labor accomplishments and public relations events. How do you know he had this fantasy of running through a wild flower field with Nicole? Is this something out of one of his sessions? Why are you reading his PC folders? Does he know you do this? Isn't that against confidentiality agreements that were made? Won't he suspect it if you show him the field of flowers next Spring? Have you ever planted a 'field of wildflowers' before? How do you even know they are going to grow well here and look nice? What if a bunch of weeds grow too? This area is prone to weeds. Why can't we pull sod up in the morning and spray the damn seed/dirt mix on Sunday? Oh-- the company with the special seed mix and sprayer don't work on Sunday? Well, then how about spraying the seeds on a MONDAY then? Hey, I've got a better idea, I have a fantasy that can be fulfilled without all this work. I have this fantasy of actually going home on time and waking up in the morning and working with well rested co-workers the next day. Oh, what? Tom's fantasy's with Nicole are more important than mine? How so? Why is his second dynamic life more important than my life and health? What if I catch a cold staying up all night in the rain and cold? Why didn't Tom stay married to Mimi, doesn't Marriage Co-auditing work? If I get a cold tonight, and then I get put on the "PTS list" and have to get tortured with PTS interviews and handlings and have to disconnect with another family member, will Tom Cruise come and help me out when I'm distressed? I mean will he do some free work for me in return? Oh, wait... you mean Tom doesn't know we are doing this to impress him? What if he knew? What if I tell him later? Who does he think does all the work and gardening out here anyway? etc. etc."

You see, I'd be kind of hard to control. It wouldn't work out.

I actually drove out by the Int base Sunday morning to give my friends a tour. Some of the Gold staff were outside in the road planting plants in the median and sweeping up the sides of the street. I don't know what that was all about, maybe after rain repair or spiffing things up for some reason. The road side areas and median looked great, so they were doing a good job. The crew out seemed to be a mixed bag of people, I can't imagine that it was a deck team, but rather some kind of all-hands. All had different colored uniform shirts on, or just a regular T Shirt. I caught glimpses of Pene Mace, Sheri Aljibouri (at least it looked like her from the back), Shawn Allcock, Todd Yamaguci, Heidi Stahli, John Gonzalez, some younger people I didn't recognize. Yikes, what if one of them asked me to join in on the all-hands?

I also drove by the Ranch later, just out of curiosity. The property was sold to the Soboba reservation some years ago I think. It had been turned into a sports complex. It actually was in really good shape. There were new baseball diamonds and football fields with stadium lights and seating and a large nicely paved parking lot. We walked around and took pictures. It was kind of therapeutic for me to walk around the property freely without having any security guards or other RPFers chasing after me. I kept expecting a security guard on a rover bike to drive up to me and treat me like I was doing something wrong. But no suspicious guard came after me, it was cool. The place was open and friendly. It still had the Castille Canyon Ranch sign at the entrance, but there was a nice new white fence along the right side of the road on the way out to it.

I showed my friends the Cambell House, the main house, the motel units, the old RPF site (which had been cleared out and was mostly cactus and shrubs, only a few signs of every having been an RPF site. I told them some of my stories there. I actually liked the Cambell House as a house. I don't like everything that happened there but It was great to be able to walk over to it and just look at it and just admire it as a great old Craftsmen style ranchhouse. I could recall times when I felt happy there and also then see what had changed that feeling. So, it was good to just see it as a house again, to admire the architecture and remember times when I actually happily sat in the breakfast nook eating breakfast and watching the sun come up, or when I went exploring in the big basement, or when I made soup and salads in the spacious kitchen. There were times when I thought I was getting to stay there as a reward for all my hard work. Times when I thought I was getting some time off there because I was a good person. And there were times when I had been banished there, under guard and being watched. It was cool to just remember the better times, before I lost my innocence so to speak and experienced the darker side of Sea Org life there.

Well, I am onto Part 8 now, at the point in Jan 1983 when I graduated the EPF. My brother got put onto the CMO EPF again, then eventually used as a trade over to Flag Crew. My brother actually liked Flag Crew better. He got posted as the Internal Comm Flow Officer. I know for a while, he enjoyed that position. He took his big battleship,size 12 feet and ran around the Flag Land Base delivering comm and getting people to answer their in baskets. My little bro didn't start growing tall yet to catch up to his foot size, but his voice did start to crack and I made fun of him.

I got posted as the Dir Per's Assistant. I was Jackie Delalez's assistant in CMO CW. I made a trip to PAC around January/February 1983 because I was supposed to go to INT myself. I met Cheryl Sutter and Gail ? Later Mortenson, who were in HCO CMO INT I think. I met Matt Henderson, the Qual Sec or Chief Officer CMO PAC at that time and Cindy Henderson. I met Nettie Allcock, to CO CMO PAC then. They were very friendly towards me and gave me some simple errands to do while I awaited approval of my INT clearance CSW. I did some baby sitting for Pam Loewing. I watched some unruly brats in a dilapidated building on Fountain Ave. What the heck was that building called? Was it the Fountain Building? The one next to the parking structure. I don't remember all the kids that were there.

I do remember one of Pam's kids who was a darling and I remember Shawn Allcock who was a complete monster. There were maybe five other kids there. The "day care" room was small and smelled like pee. I know I'd go crazy if I had to stay cooped up in this room all day. I asked if I could take the kids outside and I was told emphatically no way. Shawn would sometimes climb up onto the top bunk of a set of bunks beds that were off to the side of the room in a smaller room, and he would jump right on top of any smaller kid that walked by. They would promptly scream and cry and complain while Shawn would laugh. It was hard for me to blame Shawn, there wasn't much to do in this room. They had practically no toys, no kid books to read. It was bizarre. I felt incredibly ineffective as a baby sitter. I'd never done it before. I was sort of verbally told that it wasn't a good idea to tell kids what they should NOT do, but instead try to direct their attention to things they CAN do. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what the heck I could give these kids TO DO in this little room. I was glad this baby sitting task was short lived. It was like being in an insane asylum.

The courseroom I had to use while in PAC to do my Third Class Mission School and Staff Status 0 and 1 was terrible. I preferred the ITO courseroom at Flag. The CLO WUS courseroom I went to in PAC had a supervisor who completely ignored me and when he did pay attention to me, he had no patience with me. He'd just get mad when I fell asleep. I think he sent me to ethics once, said I was sleeping and drooling on the course pack. The food in PAC was terrible. I got food poisoning yet again. Matt Henderson gave me a tip, eat lots of acidophilus and only eat in the CMO dining area, not the regular dining area. He had his own bottle of acidophilus in a refrigerator in the folder tank area of CMO PAC. I might have had another "PTS handling" but I can't recall it. It seemed there was more understanding with regards to the subject of food poisoning in PAC than at Flag, so I could blame my illness on the food and not have to get a bunch of lists to find my PTS item.

My request to go up to INT was disapproved and Kathy Wyder (she later became Janet McLaughlin/Stevens?Light's communicator at the IASA) was sent instead of me. I was supposed to go back to CMO CW and help to replace her. She'd briefly been in CMO CW as an expeditor. I was told my disqualification was that I "hadn't finished school yet". I was so pissed off! I was mad that James Stemme, the SO recruiter had said that I could get help finishing school only to then have my incomplete education get used against me!

I didn't see how Kathy was a better choice than I was. Kathy was from Europe, she didn't speak English very well. When someone got in her way, instead of saying "excuse me", she'd say "sorry?" and it would confuse the person she was trying to get to move out of the way. Well it always confused me. I wanted to work for INT because I wanted to be back in California near my family. I didn't like Florida. I liked the fresh air and the humidity of Florida (it was good on my skin and hair!) but I missed California way too much. And I was told that working for LRH was the most important job, and I wanted the most important job. I was smart and I was unutilized doing stupid errands in CMO PAC. Little did I know that I WOULD get my dream, and I would some day do stupid errands for LRH! Like rinsing his laundry over and over again and making pirate copies of movies for him to watch.

I almost just walked out of the Sea Org then and there. I should have. This was just evidence that I was getting used and I shouldn't have just let it slip. After I was told I wasn't qualified, I burst into tears and I ran out of the CMO PAC building (now Bridge) so no one would see me cry. I went onto Fountain Ave. I was going to cross the street and hang a left and keep going to the nearest bus stop, but Micky Lipton (hope I got her name right) came out after me. She told me to stop and then she caught up with me and walked me the rest of the way across the street so that we weren't stopping traffic on Fountain. She talked to me on the side of the road, on the side walk. She looked right at me and looked me in the eye and said that just because I was disapproved for INT didn't mean I wasn't liked or not needed. It was like she was reading my mind.

She explained that because I was under 18 and not done with school yet, it created some kind of legal problem for me to work out at INT. She said finishing school would be easy, I could just "do a GED" and it wouldn't be long before I was chosen to go back to INT and "over the Rainbow". I didn't even know Micky Lipton. I had no idea why she was talking to me and not the other Int base recruiters that had been dealing with me earlier. Part of me wanted to just say "screw you" and keep walking, but part of me seemed impressesd with Micky and how well she was able to help me with my emotions, and how I felt better after what she'd said. I wanted to learn how to do this. I assumed that she was compassionate because she was a Scientologist, but later found out that she was few and far between. My future Sea Org bosses would pretty much scream, "knock off the case on post" if I became emotional about anything. I had to just plain stop being a kid with feelings.

OK, I agreed, I would willingly go back to CMO CW and work there, they needed me. I was rushed back to Clearwater. I was almost late for my plane. This is the time that I got a police escort to the airport. The external comm guy who drove me to LAX was speeding to make my flight. We got pulled over by the police and the officer was about to write a ticket. The external comm guy (sorry, forget his name) said SOMETHING to this officer that influenced him to get back into his squad car and say "OK, follow me" He put on his flashing lights and siren and he escorted us high speed to LAX. When I arrived at LAX, I didn't have time to ask, what did you tell this police officer??? I dashed out of the car with my luggage and ran to catch my flight. I saw out of the corner of my eye that the external comm guy got the ticket he originally was going to be given. Maybe it was some sob story about how my Mom in Clearwater was dying and if I missed my flight I might never see her again? It was SOMETHING. I was thrilled by the experienced and impressed with the external comm driver who made it happen. Would I too learn to influence others like this in the Sea Org to make things go right? Would I too, learn how to tell a lie to the police with a straight face and look of sincerity?


I arrived in CMO CW. I went back to my third floor dorm at the HOC. Peta Grafton and Roxanne Whittington were my room mates. There were some more off and on, but I forget who now. Since I had studied Third Class Mission School in PAC, I was sent on a project to find people who qualified for INT and the CMO, but specifically it was to find "Cine Messengers" for LRH. Jackie Delalez, my previous senior, was the In Charge of the project and I was the 2nd. LRH had written an evaluation of the Gold film crew around October of 1982, and part of LRH's handling was to create the "Cine Messenger Unit" of about 5 to 7 Commodores Messengers who would act as LRH's eyes and ears in the film crew, as Assistant Directors essentially. The qualifications were incredibly hard to match people up to. In fact, not one single person was EVER found to have all these qualifications. I wondered if LRH knew how "bad" the world had gotten, if maybe he was out of touch to think that people existed in the world with these kinds of qualifications. Shame on me, so early in my career in the CMO to have thought that LRH could have been "out of touch" or anything other than a super genious god.

We found a few people, kind of talked around some of the out-quals with good CSW writing and some, well, little white lies and the project was completed. It was no wonder I had some trouble with the subject of honesty later on in my life, it's not like I had the best examples to follow...

As Jackie's second on the project, I had to go through the letter writing files and write letters. I had to collate SO surveys, and last but not least, I had to start reading life histories...hundreds of them from all over the world. Starting with Flag and PAC. There was some semblance of a "Vets Return Program" in existence that I checked out, but not much. We even checked RPFers qualifications, for the future, for trades, or maybe for the GCT (the Gold Construction Team, a euphamism for the Gold RPF)

Now realize at this time that I was still 16 years old, I had not really had a great deal of guidance and advice in the area of sex. Reading these life histories was disturbing to me. I learned about fallatio, cunnilingus, anal sex & masturbation details. I learned that men would just write "I jacked off ____ times" but most women would describe what they did in much greater detail, explaining whether they had an orgasm or not and how they'd accomplished this. I learned that "heavy petting" and dry humping were considered "out-2D" if you were not married, after you'd joined the SO -- "Heavy petting" meaning touching someone's private parts while embracing. I learned about porno movie theaters, different sexual positions such as "doggy style". I read brief sentences detailing activities in group sex, sex with prostitutes, childhood rapes and molestations, sex with objects, sex while on drugs, sex with animals --- did you know that in New Zealand amongst the Maurie tribes that "cliffing" was not considered inappropriate behavior? "Cliffing" for those of you who don't know is when a man is with a female sheep and... near a cliff, whereupon the female sheep tries desperately to back away from the cliff. The man standing behind her benefitting from her thrusting away from the cliff and towards him... OK YUK, double YUK. I had some nightmares after reading that.

Now, I was kind of just verbally told what was considered "gross", an "out-qual" for staff, "abberated", "perverted", and "OK". Let's see if I can remember my impromptu sex education: Masturbation was considered "gross" and disrespectful but not really looked at as a disqualification for the Sea Org. Maybe, if "excessive", it was an out-qual for Int or the CMO. There was a guy in the Flag Bureau (was IMO, but changed to the FB when I was there) who had a night shift and he'd jack off while sitting at his desk sometimes. He actually got sent to the RPF for that. I just saw three stuck- up, judgmental women in the SO read the guys OW write up (from some kind of Danger handling misison into the FB) and say "OOOOH GROSS, send this guy to the RPF" and he was off to the RPF. What was on this poor guys RPF assignment issue, I have no idea.

I was told or it was implied that when reading Life Histories, generally speaking, if someone wrote nothing about their sexual history, it was considered that they were "hiding something" If they wrote a great deal, they were considered overly active and "stuck on the 2d" and there had to be evidence of auditing to "handle it". So I learned in Scientology that being very sexually active was considered wrong and that claiming to be not active at all was also considered an oddity and a "bad indicator".

There was one women who had screwed about 30 guys in one month while she was in college. I might be exaggerating, but it was a great deal of partners in a short period of time. She did actually go up to Int and is still there now. We got her personelle CSW approved because she'd had a good production record, had done up to OT 3 and had basically been celibate since joining the SO... so she was "handled". I only typed and collated and labelled things. I really had no idea what I was doing and how these life histories pertained to what was important about hiring and firing people. I did secretly wonder if other corporations, groups and religions did such a thorough inspection of the sex lives of their applicants, or if they had so many people read them, like new kids like me.

I learned that if a person did something homosexual after their OT Levels, that it was considered an "out-qual" for staff, as it was "out-ethics". If they had merely experimented in their youth before Scientology, it was not considered an "out-qual". If they were molested by an evil uncle when they were seven, then the "homosexual" incident wasn't considered an "out-qual". Now the "out-qual" of having done something homosexual as an OT could be petitioned if one bought some auditing to "handle it" and promised not to ever do it again. Actively homosexual, as opposed to "an experience" was a complete out-qual for both staff and Scientology. Oh and homosexual activities from men were frowned on more than from women.

There were some people who got disapproved for INT. I thought Celia Patrick was qualified so I proposed her and she was disapproved. I might have this story wrong, so I'm sort of fishing for anyone who might remember this and have more accurate info. I heard about this story through others on personelle lines and I was considerably confused by it. Also, If Celia is out now and wants to explain what happened, she can edit this and change this story to initials only. Here is why Celia got disapproved: Before Ron Norton became the Captain FSO, Brian Patrick was. His wife Celia spent some time being an auditor in the HGC. Apparently during one of her sessions, where she was running something on a PC, the PC crawled under the table and gave her oral sex and Celia didn't stop her. Now, that was a "no no" since it was a "homosexual experience" while on staff and while OT and while auditing. Three strikes. But Celia didn't go to the RPF for that! I think she just got a cram on engram running procedures! She did end up on the RPF much later, but I can't remember what for.

Now, this is what I am confused about. Why would an auditor with as much training as Celia had not be able to stop a PC from giving her oral sex under the table? Did she say, "OK, now run through the incident and tell me what happened.... " and then she wasn't allowed to say anything else to the PC after that? What the heck? Or was Celia lusting after this PC in the first place, had done this before and this time she got caught? She didn't know there was a video camera in her room that day or what? I was amazed at how she'd merely gotten her hand slapped for this when it was supposedly considered a triple "no no". It became very clear to me that there was a double standard, maybe a triple or a quadruple standard on the subject of ethics and behavior in the Sea Organization. If you were rich, good looking, sexy, had high paying PCs and connections... why you could f___ with your PCs and get away with it??? OK, she didn't entirely "get away" with it, she was disqualified for INT, but she wasn't taken out of the chair as an auditor for it and she kept that same PC too.

Another person who didn't get up to Int was Pilar. She apparently was a wild women AFTER her OT levels, she "slipped" with her morality and she had a girlfriend for a while. Now, I personally have nothing against homosexuals and I'm not homophobic, but I learned very quickly that L. Ron Hubbard was both against homosexuality and he was homophobic and judgemental. I was shown the Science of Survival chapter about how homosexuals were "1.1 on the tone scale" Pilar almost wasn't allowed to join the Sea Org at all, but I think her family, very rich, bought a bunch of "correction" for her and donated a great deal of money. So Pilar was able to join the SO and practically went straight to CMO CW where I believe she is still today?

I was given the impression that despite the "handlings" that Pilar had done for this apparent misbehavior, it was considered that she had done the grade chart "too fast" and so her entire bridge was suspect. Not just suspect for her youth when she got her grade chart, but because she was also Columbian, her foreign language auditing may not have been "quite right" --- and this is why I was told she would never go up to INT. Now, I want to clarify something. The whole story about how her grade chart was "not quite right" was to EXPLAIN away the "1.1" behavior later on! It was just weird. Let's just invalidate all this persons auditing because she grew up to be a sexy, passionate, good looking bisexual Columbian women by the time she was 18, DESPITE all her auditing!!!! No wonder I continued to have a "study bug" as a newbie SO Member, some of this shit would never make sense to me.

I learned to look for "outnesses" in life histories and case folders. For example, if the person had been on staff for a long time and had had to re-write their life history for any reason, I had to compare the two. Major differences between the two was an "outpoint". I had to read confessional reports and copy them for people who had gotten meter checked and/or given a "clearance security check" for Int. If a great deal of this life time items came up that had been left off the Life History, that was considered an "outpoint". If NO "whole track" came up in their auditing at all, that was also considered an outpoint case wise. It was considered not a good thing if the person had over 20 PC folders and had not gone CLEAR yet. It was considered weird if they only had one PC folder and was already CLEAR (at least until later when the HCOB about Past Life Clear came out) -- they could be a candidate for a very thorough PDH sec check.

If someone took drugs or became alcoholic AFTER becoming a Scientologist, well then they were a "revert" and were not qualified for the CMO or any INT organization. LSD was an out-qual ONLY if it was taken AFTER the Flag Order LRH had written about taking LSD was written. Oh, I mean for people who were already on staff. LSD was an out-qual for joining the SO, unless it was just once and/or it was questionable as to whether it was really LSD or not. If someone put "uh, I took 'something' but I don't know what it was" -- it was "OK" as long as it did not cause hallucinations. If they merely puked and passed out, that was OK. If a long term SO Member had a heavy LSD history and even shock treatment, they were not qualified for INT, UNLESS they had a "great" production record. Yes, there were a couple of people in the SO who had had heavy psychiatric histories, some that had joined the SO in the early days. One of them still in as far as I know. Burgess.

Well, it was kind of easy for me, as an air head kid back then -- to come up with the following conclusion: It really didn't matter a whole heck of a lot what was in the life history AS long as there was a "great" production record, "good" case progress AND there wasn't anything that invalidated one's grade chart (ie -- doing things that were considered wrong AFTER much auditing and training). I personally had no grade chart yet, I was just a kid, I'd collected a decent production record, AND so I figured that it was not that important to revise my Life HIstory. I thought that nearly all of my "out-quals" could be petitioned for Sea Org staff. So, no, I never got labelled a "revert" because I'd smoked pot after joining the Sea Org! Because I never told anyone. At least not until much later. I saw no point in it, besides creating a bunch of paperwork.

Wow, I'm running out of typing time today, but I want to at least write up to when I went up to Int, so I will quickly write some more what happened while I was in CMO CW so that this section of my story isn't too brief. Sorry if it seems terse.

After my project was finished, I worked for Janet Light when she was the CO CMO CW. Actually I started out as Jeannie Liccardi's Communicator. I'd take over from SL so that he could go into HCO CMO CW and man missions. He taught me some cool tricks. Like how to stand up on somebody's desk when demanding compliance and say, "if you don't get this done, your ass is grass!" I never tried that desk thing, but it was funny to have someone turn over their hat and have that as part of how to do the job! Jeannie got sent to Int for some kind of correction program and when she came back, she was Wendell Reynold's new girlfriend. How the heck did she manage that? So she was driving a new car that belonged to the Int Finance office. It was a cute little Honda Civic. A little sporty car with a great radio and a stick shift. Later on when both Jeannie and Wendell were "busted" --- I took over the use of the little Honda. Janet Light did some kind of big "ethics handling" on the Int Finance Office as one of her first actions of taking over as the new CO CMO CW.

Janet Light very quickly became the highest and most powerful executive at the Flag Land Base. No more confusions as to whether the Int Finance office or the Guardian's Office could out rank a CMO CW Messenger. CMO CW was the highest and that was it. So, at Janet's orders, I arranged for the little Honda to get sent to Motorpool and then I (on my own) asked to get it assigned officially back to me from Motorpool. I had fun driving that little car. I sometimes would volunteer to drive any staff from CMO CW or the FB who had kids out to the QI at night if they'd missed the bus. Just so I could crank up the radio and speed like a race car driver on the way back from the QI.

Janet called VA in RTC almost daily at first and as she got the hang of things, called less. I saw the phone bill. I knew that RTC was in Hemet and I knew the phone number. Janet told me it was "confidential" and I had to inform the person who opened the mail to not open the envelope for the phone bill. I got some brownie points for that, for kicking ass and taking names, and "getting in security". I didn't particularly see the whole point of it all, but I liked basking in the admiration that I could be stern and discipline others just as well as Janet could. I could be tough too.

There was a lice scare. :omg: A bunch of us CMO CW staff had to pile into a van with all of our laundry and get some special lice killing soap. I was the only one who could drive so I drove the van. SL needed to get his quarters from the FH, so I had to drive him there from the laundromat. It was 1 oclock in the morning. The streets of Clearwater were empty. Being an adventurous teenager, I started joking around and swerving all over the empty streets while SL hung out of the passenger window and sprawled part of his body across the front of the Van's windsheild. It was like something out of a movie. I thought it was hilarious.

The police did not think it was all that funny. I got pulled over. They looked at my license and then asked where I'd gotten the van. I said it was the Church of Scientology's van and that we were staff. I explained how we had to do our laundry because there was a problem with lice... the officer handed my license back to me and said , "the church probably would not want you driving the van like that" and he left. No ticket. I made it to the FH driving more conservatively, SL got his laundry quarters and we headed back to the laundromat.

When we arrived, there were three police cars in front of the laundromat and the lights on top of the cars were all flashing. Debbie K. came running out of the laundromat screaming "where have you been? It doesn't take that long to drive to the FH and back! We've been worried! " I thought, "Oh crap, the police changed their mind and came back to get me..." I imagined I was going to jail. Debbie then explained that some pervert had walked into the middle of the laundromat around 1:20 and had pulled his pants down and started jacking off in front of everyone. When Debbie asked him to leave, he refused, so she called the cops. He apparently was wanted for a number of crimes, so three cars came to pick the guy up at gun point.

Wow, so our presence in that laundromat that night helped the local police catch a crim perv. Glad to be of service to the community. Glad I was off driving SL and not at the laundromat when it happened!

Janet Light had this habit of screaming at people at the top of her lungs. It kind of made me cringe and I'd make some mistakes because I was distracted. Janet thought it would be a good idea to handle this kind of "PTSness" if I did the Running Program. Later called the Cause Resurgence Rundown Pilot. So, one of the first rundowns in my PC folder is a pilot program where I had to run around a bright orange pole 5 hours a day. I had to wake up at 4:30 in the mornings, get on a bus with an orange pole and go to Alligator park. I did this off and on for a month. Being young and strong, I actually enjoyed all the running and got kind of a runners high from it all! I also found it really extroverting. After this, Janet Light's screaming no longer made me cringe. In fact, I could actually smile and like her anyway. It's amazing what endorphines, a strong heart, and being more extroverted can do for one! She even screamed at ME and I was able to look right at her and say, "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" or patiently correct her if her anger was misplaced. I was able to keep my cool.

Sigmar Pietch, the new Cramming Officer in CMO CW was also able to help me deal with the confusions I experienced working for Janet Light. I realized through some of the things he had me study, why Janet screamed so much. It was non-compliance on the part of others to important targets. So if I helped to gain compliance before it got to the screaming point somehow, I could avoid such outbursts. Part of my job as a communicator. The Communicator Hat Pack did seem to help me to do my job better and keep peace at the office.

I did a few Missions in the middle of the year. One was with Gary Conley, the IG MAA from RTC to place MAAs on post in the FSO to do his new program. He put the MAAs under the Div Heads instead of HCO. Oh, many of them were ripped off from the Int Finance personelle pool, but I guess because the Int Finance office was in some kind of trouble, it didn't matter, or the MAAs were supposedly supposed to have somehow maintained their status as Finance Police AND be MAAs. It was kind of strange.

Later I had to redo the mission with Jesse Prince as the IC and we took all the MAAs and posted them in HCO under the Dir of I&R where they did standard Ethics Officer functions and quit harassing the staff with some of the things Gary Conley had trained them to do (stuff that he'd apparently done at Gold that made their stats go up) such as following around the staff in the mornings to make sure they didn't meander, spend too much time drinking coffee or chatting. The problem with this kind of policing of staff behavior is that the staff at Flag required some time and space to talk to other staff around them and drink their coffee. It wasn't like at Gold where you could just shout at somebody to "get busy" and they had something they could "get busy at" such as building a set wall. Dealing with public regularly is much different than dealing with set walls and cameras and tape machines. Social skills are required. Manners are required. Running to work and NOT stopping to chat and say Hi and be friendly with a public person sitting outside the HGC could cause problems. Not letting the Snr CS take a long stroll and drink his coffee could really reduce his moral and productivity. In fact, Gary Conley's program crashed the FSO's stats considerably. I alsmot got a Comm Ev with Gary, but I didn't because I was "new".

Jesse and I fixed it all up. I think Jesse returned some of the Int Finance staff too. Then the FSOs stats were Affluence afterwards. And I got my first ever Mission bonus for an Affluence Mission! A big whopping 125.00 that ended up getting stolen from my dorm while I was at the PAC Complex again in Nov 83 later.

I was put on another short project with MTJ and we had to go over the the FSO and find out exactly how many intensives of NOTs a list of 12 refund cases had gotten. There was some disputes about how much money these people had paid and how much auditing they had gotten. The NOTs HGC was a disaster. There was no admin system for us to check anything with. We actually had to go through all of the folders and look at the auditors reports ourselves to verify the numbers. Yes folks, I did go through NOTs folders on this project. I hadn't even done my Life Repair yet. I did see abbreviations such as "BT" and words like cluster with numbers after them. It meant nothing to me. I wasn't even curious.

These people on NOTs had disastrous lives. A few of them were severely chronically ill. They had strange problems in their lives that I wouldn't ever want to have in my own. I think back on it now and I imagine that these people were having great difficulties financially and were somehow trying to audit away their problems. My Mission IC MT, couldn't help but think that all these refund cases were stat pushes.

These weren't PCs who were trying to drown their problems with NOTS auditing, as I thought, these were people who were hard-sold NOTS and coerced into doing them. People who had no business being sold NOTs in the first place. They needed basic human care, like being told to stop smoking, stop cheating on your husband, stop spending your uncles money and get a job. Things like that. It was just nuts. One guy was going through a painful divorce because he'd been caught with a homosexual lover. Well, he goes to get auditing and guess who shows up at Flag not wanting him to be spending all his money on NOTs intensives!!! HIs soon to be X Wife AND his homosexual lover. Hey --- what the heck? This was Chaplin material. What was the Reg and the CS thinking? I stayed up for three nights in a row putting together this really accurate list for RTC, for VA so she could verify the amounts of the refunds and WDAH corrections. Guess what, almost all the public were correct with how much money they were owed for a refund. It was amazing how the PCs had kept exact count of their hours and money spent and the HGC had not.

Kind of around August or July 1983, the FSO started making a million dollars a week GI. I actually got to eat some steak at dinner times! Woohooo. I guess the refunds and unhappy public had just been water off a ducks back.

Oh, and I got my "Life Repair" auditing program from a Class 8 Inger Devries. It was pretty simple. I only had two sessions. She said recall some good times and recall some bad times a few times. I kind of recalled ridiculous things like times when I thought I'd blown up a planet a long time ago, millions of years ago. She accepted my answers. I enjoyed being allowed to imagine having once had such powers. It was easier to give her imaginary answers than to talk about my real life. There was something next to impossible when I was 16 and 17 about telling anyone about the rough times I'd had as a kid, when my Mom had tried to kill herself and I was in and out of foster care. I really could not go there mentally, yet those were the only rough times I had to talk about this life. So... I got to do my Life Repair talking about imaginary rough times that happened millions of years ago! And Inger was pleasant towards me and accepted whatever I told her. I guess I'd stated the EP, that I felt things weren't going to get worse, or something like that. And on top of that, I had evidence of "going whole track" in my PC folder. I know that would make me look good in a future personelle CSW for a promotion.

Around about the time I was starting to actually feel at home at CMO CW and I'd felt that I had made friends with the CMO CW crew, I was told by Janet that I was going to go up to CMO S (later changed to CMO GOLD) and I was introduced over the phone to Tina Oaks, a spunky young girl holding the HAS CMO S post. The plan was that I was going to become an M on D in the Watch Bureau. Apparently LRH was going to come back to the Gold base from wherever he was having to hide and he was going to need a set of fresh spanking new messengers, and I apparently had what it would take to become an M on D. Short for Messenger on Duty. So I left CMO CW. Peach actually cried after she took me to the airport. I was sad to go, since I'd felt a connection with the CMO CW crowd. Many of them would end up joining me eventually up at INT anyway, so I had no reason to feel sad. Janet would even join me for a while heading CMO S before she went off to the IASA.

Well, I know I probably left out some details, hopefully only minor. If I was friends with anyone out now who I didn't mention in this report, it doesn't mean I forgot about you! It just means that even though my story is really long, this is actually abbreviated!!! I know, hard to believe. It's funny what I remember about people. I remember that Sigmar's favorite plant is cactus. I remember that Nick Lekas liked to jog in the mornings. I remember when Ed Waguspak had a meldown. I remember when some kid Stacy from the SO EPF tried to kill himself. I remember when Debbie DeRosa blew from CMO CW and apparently took 3,000 from the Flag Crew's treasury area, or was it the FSOs? She bequeathed me with her awesome 90.00 tennis racket, which she'd left behind. I remember how upset Thomas Bourke was when his deafness disqualified him for CMO S, but was later happy when it didn't disqualify him for CMO INT.

I remember when Amy Alexander got in trouble for "borrowing" some of Marc Yaeger's money, cash that he'd sent to deposite in his account in Florida and she did the RPF for it. I remember how I was kind of tricked into ratting on SL and he had to do the RPF for "being an enturbulative source". I remember Spike Bush and his crude sense of humor. I remember Jeff Walker and how he didn't like being asked questions by dumb Messengers. I remember Annie Allcock and how she would cry all the time like she had some kind of hormone problem. I remember David Ziff and Toni Prybilski and how they smoked like chimneys and worked in the cave of a CS office full of smoke all day. I remember Pat Dimock and how she had a short arm. I remember the highly trained tech person who only had one arm. I remember Mick Davies and his son Kenny. I remember Stella Lufkin and her daughter Steph. I remembered Marj Hill and Chris Chaney from the ConfidentialKey to Life project. The list could go on for a while. I'd say 1983 was a pretty full year. I departed on a plane to California and my next trip to Clearwater would be as a videographer for the Gold video crew in 1987.
Well around November 1983, I arrived back in PAC. Pacific Area Control. Los Angeles. I love California, but I have to say that Los Angeles around the Fall has a very distinctive smell... not a very good one. The clouds and cooler weather have contained the smog inside the city and some raining and showers have mixed it all up into kind of a musky muddy smell.

I got a big whif of it as I arrived at the LAX airport. I inhaled and had mixed feelings. Feelings of being glad to be back in California, but also feeling like I was in the armpit of my great state. In the CMO PAC building (where Bridge is now) there was an office for HCO CMO INT liaison. I was going to CMO S (S for Special Unit, later changed to CMO GOLD--around late 1984 I think, and apparently even later in 2006 completely disbanded?) and HCO CMO INT was helping out.
The "shore story" (which is Sea Organization/para-navy slang for an apparent white lie to keep "security" in) is that Int and Gold were in two different places. In actuality, which I already knew, 19625 Hwy 79, Gilman Hot Springs, CA near Hemet was the location for Gold AND INT. Cheryl Sutter was there and she was dealing with some other youngsters on "clearance lines" as well. "Clearance lines" meant someone is waiting just before being moved out to Hemet, they are getting security checking and other things to make them look good on paper for those in authority approving the person's arrival to the Int base. IG RTC, Vicki Aznaran, I believe was the final approval person for those going to INT in 1983.
 
One youngster on her way up was Mandy Oaks. She was around 15 years old and had a very foul mouth and an attitude. Perfect for the CMO. I'm being sarcastic. I found her manners atrocious. I actually complained, but I was told, "she's just a kid, she'll get auditing while she does a lower post at first". A lower post? At Int? CMO CW Fitness Boarded out a boy, David for "being a kid" and here Cheryl was recruiting someone anyway who was just as much "just a kid". I must say I was perplexed at how whimsical and arbitrary things were despite having volumes of policy letters and Flag Orders and binders of * advices ( a term used back then to euphemise the fact that LRH was still ordering Sea Organization Members what to do and how to Manage the C of S) to follow. Another boy on recruit lines was Lowell Smith, a young guy who seemed rather clueless, and his sister. Man, they were YOUNG. I guess, the rule of needing to have finished school as a requisite had been somehow waived.

I found out that these youngster were "Scientology Kids" and so their parents were involved with Scientology and that made it less of a legal threat for them to get sent out to Hemet away from their parents. A year or so later, Lowel completely bombed out and had some kind of break down, had to get sent back to his parents right away. He'd got made the Qual Sec CMO S! He was only 14 years old! Lowell, if you are reading this, I sincerely apologize for dumping a bucket of ice water on you in your dorm when you showed up late for muster that day you were routing out. I didn't know you were routing out, I was just told to make sure everyone on the roll call list was at muster and you were on the list still for musters. I had been assigned to help on the CMO S Dir I&R position and I wasn't allowed to do ANYTHING else until EVERYONE was up and on post in the morning. You were the last one and I was getting darn bored of being asked, " OK, so where is Lowell?" So I had to do something, it wasn't anything personal. Really sorry.

Now, while I was waiting in PAC for my final OK to go to the base, I had to get something special.... an Emancipation Proclamation, declaring me legally 18 even tho I was only 17.
 
So I hung out at PAC for a short time doing more errands (I learned how to polish boots..in the CMO PAC EPF area up in the 5th floor of the blue building complex. Many Commodore's Messengers had some really expensive leather boots, that needed to be hand saddle soaped and polished to a perfect shine and then waxed with clear wax. Very time consuming and messy at first, but I got the hang of it. The CMO EPFer who taught me was this cute Italian guy named Roberto P. I kind of tried to flirt with him but I got no response. Oh wait a minute... I would have been jail bait... so I guess he was actually a cool guy for not flirting back. I think I was told by Nettie not to hang out with him too much because he was getting fitness boarded out. But it was kind of hard not to hang out with the guy that I was working with all day long. What a weird request. I found out that many of the Int and ASI execs all had rooms on the 5th floor with a set of uniforms and shoes and all, so they could just come down when they needed to and it would be very convenient. I stupidly day dreamt and imagined that someday I too, would be an executive and have more than one room to myself with nice furniture and leather shoes all to myself, and other people doing my laundry and ironing my shirts....

Someone in HCO CMO INT, probably Janadaire, got a hold of an INT recruiter who was on project in San Jose, Larry Jacobs (who will unsuspectingly end up with me in the Camera Dept. at Gold eventually) and told him to contact my Mom and my sister to help get my Emancipation Proclamation all typed up and signed by my Mom and notarized. He must have been a real charmer because he got my Mom basically to sign away her rights over me AND he recruited my sista! What the heck! My sister later told me in a phone call that my Mom was so flustered after that incident that she lost her car in the parking lot and actually called the police and reported it stolen! When it was right where she had parked it.

Oh, I have to back up a bit. I don't know if I said this earlier, if I did, I'll repeat it. When in CMO CW, I had to do a "handling" on my step-father. He was upset that I had joined the SO and left school. He had never legally adopted me, so he couldn't just come and get me back, but he wanted to. He felt that Dianetics wasn't new and I could finish school and THEN study it if I wanted to...he just could not see the rush.
 
I was told that because he was "antagonistic", I was a "Potential Trouble Source" and I would therefore make no progress as a Scientologist and I would always be a loser on staff. Paraphrased of course. This made me very frightened. I was being told that my eternity was in danger. I hadn't really even gotten started, off the runway, as a Scientologist so to speak---- and my engines were puttering. Being that this was indeed the first time in my life that I had a major disagreement with my step-father and it just so happened to be about Scientology,
 
I figured that it was indeed something UNIQUE and troublesome that I must deal with right away. I wanted to FIX this "problem" that Peach and Jackie were very concerned about. I was instructed to write a letter to him. Actually I was TOLD exactly what to write. I think it was Peach who told me what to write, but I sometimes think of Peta when I recall this first "PTS" handling. Maybe Peta was involved somehow too before she got posted in the Programs Bureau. I wrote the letter out very carefully and with nice handwriting. I wrote my step father that I appreciated all his help since I was a little kid with my life and that I was now on my own doing my own thing and I expected him to respect my choice to join Scientology. I told him that I wouldn't talk to him anymore if he remained in disagreement with my involvement with Scientology. I sent the letter. I didn't realize that, in a way, it was a type of disconnect letter! My sister told me later that he read the letter and he cried and was very upset. I couldn't imagine my step father crying, he'd never done it, at least never in front of anyone, before.

Later on, in Portland in 1985, I would talk to him again, "good roads and good weather", and he would be kind of surprised, but happy. I had actually forgotten all about that letter! Since it was more dictated for me than from me, it was easily forgotten on my part. It was in my folder and that seemed to be all that mattered. To show on paper that the situation was "handled", not that I really had any clue what I was doing.

The term Potential Trouble Source would get used throughout my "career" as a Sea Organization member, mostly to intimidate me into disconnecting from my family and non-Scientology friends. "Scientology" isn't a principle cause, it's an instrumental cause. Someone USES what they think is a "Scientology" method or technique, like using a tool of some sort, to accomplish an end. A simple action such as walking around the block and looking at trees and the sidewalk to fix the exhaustion of being stuck at a fixed task for a long time, is categorized as "Scientology" because it is an idea in a book by L. Ron Hubbard. The fact that many people just like to take walks anyway and didn't read it in an LRH book gets overlooked. A Scientologist could say with vast generality, "I love Scientology, it has helped me" and they could just mean that they like taking walks when they get mentally exhausted and they are glad that they read about it in an LRH book. Now, I happen to have noticed that my Aunt and Uncle like to take walks and I've gone with them and I could have learned it from them. I didn't need to have this action labelled under the category of "Scientology" and I don't consider that I'm applying "Scientology" anymore when I take a walk. Within the term "Scientology" are all kinds of solutions to life's problems and, unfortunately, the second someone generalizes about which ideas they like and have used --- it also protects the ideas under that blanket term "Scientology" that can be very destructive, such as disconnection policy.

When celebrity X says she likes "Scientology" because she did the Purif and it supposedly helped her detox and she was able to conceive children when before she couldn't, she really means she liked using the sauna and vitamins and minerals and exercise and maybe some one-on-one counseling, if she got that, to resolve unknown barriers she'd had in conceiving children. She will be forever grateful for that and to her FSM for giving her the idea. She's hooked. But when she generalizes and says she supports "Scientology", she has no idea what she is supporting, she has no idea what is included under this umbrella of philosophies and life's solutions called "Scientology". There is the RPF program, there is disconnections, there is unusual punishments and sleep deprivation for staff members, there is a whole big black suitcase full of crap also under the label of "Scientology". The biggest problem with Scientology I see is that most "Scientologists" don't really KNOW what that word really means! Do they know about Fair Game? Do they know that DM practically owns that word? Well, I'm kind of digressing... started to get on that soapbox.. back to my story:

I finally got my OK to go "over the rainbow". I had dreams of meeting LRH. I was on my way to get trained to be one of his new messengers in the Messenger on Duty unit in CMO S. I had no idea he was in hiding from the law!! I thought he was just being "fabian", moving around to avoid getting "hit by SPs".

I got on the van and I admired the scenic drive. It was kind of early in the morning so I got to see the sun coming up as I was approaching Riverside County. Upon arrival, I was introduced to the Commanding Officer of CMO S, Julie. She was 16 years old. She'd recently taken on the new job. She seemed nice and polite and she actually smiled at me and shook my hand. I didn't think she would last very long as the Commanding Officer. She didn't.
 
I got taken to the Security Dept. which was near the eating area. The eating area was dirty with flys buzzing around. I was told that "the Gold crew were DBs (degraded beings)" and they didn't clean up after they ate, to explain the flys. But then I found out later that all the crew ate in the same dining area, so it was weird to blame it on "the Gold crew". It was the INt and CMO crew that left their tables dirty and expected the Gold crew to clean up after them!
 
Outside the Security office, I had to sign a piece of paper saying that I authorized the Security Mail Checker to open and check all of my mail. This was notarized. I also signed some piece of paper saying that if I disclosed the location of the base to anyone, I'd be subject to a fine of a million dollars. Wow. I was shocked much later when David Miscavige briefed a bunch of OT 8s on the Freewinds about where the Gold base was. I guess he never signed one of these agreements. Also later, the Security Mail Checker, saw fit to actually stop my mail and throw it away. I was mad about this because I'd said I'd only agreed for it to be opened and "checked", not opened and stopped.

After kind of doing most of my routing form into the CMO, I got taken to where my berthing would be, in the Old Gilman House. I was put into a dormatory on the second floor of this old house. It was kind of nice compared to the PAC dorm that I'd been in. It wasn't that crowded. There was a horse corral and chickens outside! I tried to walk around the front of Old Gilman House and the chickens started chasing me! They wanted to be fed. I enjoyed seeing the horses. I saw two of them there, there may have been three. There was no perimeter fence when I originally arrived at the base. I could actually wake up early in the morning and go jogging down the side of Highway 79, cross over and jog through the section of the property that used to be a golfcourse, then along the levy and back up and across to OGH. Probably about a 3 mile jog. And nobody chased me, it was fun. It was like being at summer camp.

My first assigned task was to learn how to clean in the Household Unit. Lola Rousseau was still in the Household Unit then. She was old but her hair was still red and she was still pretty spunky. I kind of thought of her as a really mean grandmother. She never actually yelled at me because I tried to be respectful, but I heard her yell at others who didn't treat her with respect and I didn't want to have that happen to me.
 
There were some other HU cleaners too. I think Paco was there then as a cleaner, Blandine showed up around this time I think too. I had to read an * advice about dusting”. It was written by someone else for LRH since I guess he didn't ever do his own dusting. I had to practice wiping a surface with a dust cloth, folding the dust cloth each time to keep the dust inside and then going outside and shaking it out. I really believed it was pretty stupid, but I went along with it and I got really good at it. I also got really good at using Rainbow vacuum cleaners. These were special vacuums that used swirling water underneath to create the suction, and then trapping the dust in the water. Thus preventing it from going out the exhaust at all. Despite this vacuum's ability to collect dust and keep it contained, I still had to keep the vacuum cleaner on the outside of the room and use a long hose around the room to clean with. If the Rainbow was in bad shape, the suction would be terrible and it would not clean very well. I tried to get the good vacuums for my cleaning assignments so that I would not flunk my super white glove inspections.

Also, in the HU area, I met Roanne, who had a nanny who drove her around to her piano lessons and ballet lessons and such in a stick shift powder blue van. I was jealous. I wished I could get ballet lessons. Her nanny had a big old German Sheperd Dog too. Wow, they were allowed to have pets! I immediately wrote to my sister and asked her to send me my cat Pineapple, a long haired tortoise shell colored Persian cat that I'd had since I was 7. She didn't send it right away, it was her cat too.
 
The Int base was the largest property I'd ever been on. All the old houses, the dining area, the Lodges, the Old Gilman House and the horse ranch, it was all unbelievable cool to me. I didn't see a worn down old golf resort, I saw my new home with of fun future of fixing it all up... There was even a slimy old lake on the south side of the property that could actually pass as a swimming hole. There were magnificently large cotton-wood trees all over the property. I fell in love with the trees and the bugs and the bees and the animals. I loved the cool crisp clean dessert air at night when I'd go jogging with a full moon. I loved when the sun rose and woke me up in the mornings. I even loved the noisy rooster that would start before the sun came up even. I loved being allowed to help groom and ride the horses on my exercise time in the mornings after morning muster. Janadaire's sister Kate helped me learn how to do this.

After learning how to clean LRH spaces and doing this for a while, I got my study assignments, these small checksheets for Messengers on Duty. I had to study how to touch type up to 70 words per minute on a manual typewriter. I was able to do this checksheet quickly because I'd already learned how to type in high school and on my own. Then I had to learn how to take notes, hold an ashtray, a gadget bag and a tape recorder at the same time and follow "the boss" around. Only I wasn't following HIM around, I followed Janadaire around or someone else who was good an immitating LRH and making sure we were able to do all these tasks sufficiently well. Our goal was to "keep all distractions off of LRH's lines" so that he could do his research and write. That meant that if he put his fingers up in a V shape, I had to notice and be quick and stick a cigarette into it and light it. I had to be smooth about it and not drop my note pad or my bag with his sunglasses, sunscreen, extra notepads, asbestos gloves for touching hot lights on the Cine sets with, etc. I found this next to impossible to do, so I often got "Messenger!" screamed at me by the person pretending to be LRH. The whole thing also often just made me burst into uncontrollable laughter...

My job duties started to expand into some minor management tasks where I had to help run programs into the HU area and sometimes Gold. Tina Oaks got transferred from HCO and made the MonD I/C, Messenger on Duty in charge. She was about 15 I think. She was my new boss. She was pretty good at giving lip service. So when I was busy cleaning the offices, she would be outside reporting to Shelly M. or Janadaire or someone else about what progress we were making on our tasks. One of the programs I helped on was the LRH Space Set Up program. This program was based on the idea that LRH was going to come to the base soon, as soon as Special Project Ops (DMs title before he invented the title COB) gave him some kind of "the coast is clear". I assumed that meant when the Space Set Up Program was done. But it wasn't. I suppose I should have known that LRH was wanted for legal actions against him, that he was kind of on the lamb. But no one told me that!


Also going on at the same time was the "Clearsound" project which was getting all the sound lines working and sounding good. I didn't help that much on this project. Only a little, later on, I'll get to that part later.
 
In the Space Set Up Project, I was assigned tasks to do such as handywork tasks in all the offices to make them odorless. I had to Z-lac any bare wood in any cabinets that were in the space. Several coats, with drying in between. I think that Z lac is now illegal due to its chemical composition, but it was kind of a varnish that dried quickly if not put on too thick. Several coats were like a clear plastic coating and no bare wood smell could escape a coating of Z lac. I did not use any protective clothing or filters over my nose and mouth. It was like sniffing glue, the fumes. I got pretty buzzed after each cabinet I did. My hands would get caked with it at the end of a day. I'd just let it dry and then peel it off. I had to be careful not to peel off any layers of my own skin with it. It was really sticky. I tried to get gloves for it, but I was told that if I got Z lac all over the gloves, it would "ruin" them, so I didn't use gloves. I guess they were "too expensive" !
 
 
Another task I was assigned to do was to get a carpet steam cleaned. It was a special purple carpet for the room in the Upper Villas that was LRH's office, it had kind of an Egyptian motif. Barry Stein had designed it. Purple carpet, beige kind of sandstone/marble looking formica cabinets, some hierogliphs in a tapestry on the speaker stands. I think this room might have been called the A/V office because there was a very impressive collection of equipment racks with the latest and greatest Hi Fi audio equipment installed. All with an Elgar AC Line conditioner to keep the power clean, and some kind of surge protector so there was no HUMMING. Humming was a catastrophe. In fact, I think that's were "Clearsound" partially came from, the term I mean, most of the work that DM and John McCormick and Jon Horwich (when he wasn't too busy on the RPF doing A to E), MF and others, did to get rid of hum and buzz on the audio lines required certain pieces of equipment in certain places and certain kinds of really well insulated cables, etc. It all made the sound "Clear". I also learned how to get rid of mildew. Oh my god, I just realized I left out a funny story...

When I was flying from CW to PAC earlier, I had been given a project by VA, relayed to me by Janet Light, of smuggling 22 bottle of Everclear into California. This is 100 proof alcohol! It's illegal in California, so I had to buy a couple of cases of it in CW and stick them in my luggage and in the luggage of other SO Members and/or Scientologists travelling back to Los Angeles. I finally got to find out what the Everclear was being used for. Mold and Mildew abatement! And even some cleaning in certain areas where other cleaners could not be used.
 
I was under 21 so I had to bring Wendy Fatoric, my replacement as CO CMO CWs comm with me to help me pick up the bottles! I just walked in with my little non-profit card, so I wouldn't have to pay the sales tax, said it was for cleaning purposes only and walked out of the liquor stores with a couple cases (about 22 to 24 bottles if I recall correctly). I finally got to put some of this to use. I would inspect wood areas of an office, such as under a sink for example, and if there was a black or grey spot that smelled like mold, I would spray it profusely with Everclear and then point some UV lights at it. Most of the time, the spots had already been singled out by Janadaire, but I did get to find my own mold spots to fix too. To be honest, I don't know if this actually really worked. I had to Z lac over it later anyway, but I imagined that it worked. Janadaire seemed to think it had. If the Everclear didn't kill the mold, it certainly got really drunk!

Well, I got moved out of the Old Gilman House 2nd floor and put into room 89 in the Lower Lodges. I turned over my "rat catching hat" to someone else who stayed in one of the first floor dorms. I basically had a few rat traps I'd set up at nights under some of the beds down stairs. There was always a mouse or small rat caught in the traps each night. It was sad, but I couldn't stand the sounds at night of the rats scurrying around, so I had to put out the traps.
 
 
2nd floor OGH was reassigned as CMO INT and Exec Strata only. Eventually the room I was in would become Suzette Hubbards with Guy, but that was a couple years down the line. Us lower CMO S people had to move out. The new room I got moved to, it was a single motel like room with one bathroom and one vanity area. It had four sets of bunk beds three beds high. I had to share a dorm with 12 other girls. Mostly younger than me, but some a little older. I hated it. Tina and some of the other girls would stay up late and dance to Madonna songs. Mandy snored. Someone ALWAYs had stinky feet. Getting out of bed in the mornings was difficult because there was only this little tiny square of space in the middle of the bunks to stand in. I had to wait my turn to get down into the tiny square of space and make it to the shower. When a new recruit showed up and I had gotten my berthing card taken, I was actually happy to grab my sleeping bag and find a spot on the floor somewhere in a quiet, empty office space. Oh, OK, it wasn't ALL bad. There were times where it was kind of fun being packed into a room with some sometimes funny teenagers.

I guess euphoria and summer camp was wearing off some. The "Team Share" card system was really bizarre. I was given five little colored plastic cards and a star. I was told not to take them off the property, to only use them while "on base". It was a Treason assignment if I had them on my person while in PAC or CW. Now, I was told that the Social Card meant that I had a right to watch movies on the weekends or attend staff party's if they were available. I was told that my Social Card also entitled me to a day off every other week. If only this little blue card also got my CSWs for libs approved too!
 
Alas, merely HAVING the card was NOT enough. One must have post coverage AND senior approval to be off for one day in two weeks AND the entire organization had to be above Normal condition. Most of the time, this Social Card was valueless, the accompanying star mainly used as some kind of status symbol. There was a Bonus card which entitled me to a bonus if they were handed out. They were hardly ever handed out. This card was useless-- except for days when I locked myself out of my office, then that little plastic card was useful for getting the latch open on the door.
 
 
 
I was given an Allowance card so I could collect my allowance each week. This card had some use, however, there were years where it too was useless. Other factors precluded being paid besides not having possession of one's Allowance card. I was given a Chow card which meant I could eat the meals. If I didn't have it, it would be rice and beans. I was given a Berthing card which entitled me to sleep in a bed in a berthing space. If I didn't have it, I had to go to "pigs berthing" which was not really an official place for the CMO people, so it really just kind of meant finding some floor space somewhere in one of the many large buildings to sleep at night. I was also handed this really LONG list of all the reasons why the punishment of "losing a card" was handed out and a very short list of why they'd get handed back. Also, if I was assigned "lower conditions" below Liability, I had to do "amends" which was usually some form of manual labor.

Well two or three times in 1984, I had to go do manual labor for "amends". It was called "doing MEST WORK". It was meant to be therapeutic to get out of the office and do this once in a while. Despite having my senior get mad at me and scream "Go do some F_____g MEST Work!", I actually really enjoyed it. When I was young and perfectly healthy, I could say that it indeed was therapeutic.
 
 
The RPF was called the "Gold Construction Team" back then. Still had black T-shirts, but there were some non RPFers working on writing the projects and supervising. Some of them were not even in the Sea Org! They eventually became Sipro, doing construction projects with the Sea Organization RPF work crews and also organizing non-SO workers as well. The entire Music Studio was done this way with RPF and pre-SIPRO and regular construction workers all working together. Since the GCT had such important construction projects going on, the non RPF deck workers aka ME, got to work WITH them. So I got to meet some RPFers and work with them. They were fun and friendly towards me. I didn't really know what they were on the RPF for, but I didn't care. I learned how to lay cinder blocks, prepare forms for concrete pours, sand and finish cabinetry, lay tiles and grout them. I met Tony Sheriff on the GCT and Kate (was Conley back then) who I liked and got along with. She was an Australian.

I never really learned how to flap my lips about programs and targets and attend meetings and keep executives updated etc., I felt far more productive getting stuff done with the GCT crew. Getting something painted or patched up, getting something new built. I had this feeling of accomplishment because this place was (I thought) my HOME and I liked making it look nicer and have more useful buildings. Feeling like my work was some kind of "investment" in my future home, was mistaken. Cleaning was OK once in a while, but most of the time, I felt like I was cleaning an office for no reason. It was cleaned the day before, nobody had used it, why the heck clean it again the next day?

Now because I was such a good woiker, I got assigned to the Laundry team. When LRH's laundry came to the base in a van from Creston, where LRH was ( I didn't know he was there, I just knew the approximate time it took the van to come up and back, it wasn't hard to guess in the Santa Barbara area), to us --- the Laundry Team was put into action. It was like our Watch Quarter and Station Bill Assignment, "Condition One Laundry" --- the best laundry doers were gathered together for 48 hours of washing LRHs clothes! So that they could all get stuck on the van and driven back out to LRH.
 
 
There were about 7 of us youngsters and we lined up near this trough with large 10 gallon plastic containers. The containers were filled with this special filtered water. Then we washed each piece of clothing by hand in some special laundry soap. I think it was rugged red and "Granny's" or just "Granny's". It was totally odorless and left no residue. Well, not after we rinsed each piece of clothing 7 times. We'd wash each item. Then dump out the soapy water. Get new fresh water into the container. Dip, rinse, dip rinse, empty again. Fill up with water, dip rinse, dip in and rinse again. No ringing of the item was allowed, didn't want to squeeze the material at all. LRH didn't like that. The fibers of his clothes could not be traumatized by excessive abuse. Not even the rugged cotton flannel shirts! Especially not his silk socks! Heaven forbid that the item of clothing would lose it's shape in any way.
 
 
Now us teenagers late at night and sometime wet and freezing cold, tried to make the best of the situation. We found that it was actually kind of fun to do the repetitive washing and rinsing tasks to music! We played Michael Jackson music loudly on a boom box and kind of rinsed and washed to the rhythm. Once the item of clothing had been hand rinsed many times, it was placed on a plastic hanger --- no WIRE hangers allowed! They were bad for the clothes, so too were wooden hangers, because they smelled like wood. Plastic hangers only. And the clothes were hand pressed, no IRONING, the clothing items had to hang to dry in a sunny space. Sun and fresh air and some heaters that didn't smell. If dust got into the heaters, they smelled like burnt dust and might impart that smell to the drying clothes. So we used air compressors to clean out the heaters of any dust. Then let them run for a while to make sure they didn't smell.
 
 
 
Man if his clothes didn't smell super fresh and clean, I don't know what did. And with the vibes of a bunch of dancing teenagers that made the whole thing into a party imparted to those clothes... it had to be a spiritual experience for LRH to get his laundry done like this! What human being alive exists today who can even AFFORD to have a team of people stay up for 48 hours to hand wash and dry their personal laundry? In Specially filtered water and specially ordered soaps? And if such a human being did exist who could AFFORD this, would they actually have it done? Maybe someone in the oil business?

Now, as part of my cleaner hat, I had to study * advices about how perfumes that used coal tar as a base, such as synthetic ROSE perfume, were invented by evil psychiatrists on the whole track to confuse the senses and confuse people. That's why we had to use the special soaps and really rinse well. Those darn psychiatrists were trying to distract LRH with perfumed detergents!

I got my first failed mission somewhere in here, around late 1984. I had been fired on a Mission as the second down to PAC to sort out PURL. It was Ron's Purchasing and Logistics Unit. There were about 5 people there. A couple of them were not doing their jobs at all. Some of them were. There was one guy who regularly purchased items for the Film and Equipment Unit and there was little problem with him. There was another guy who, I don't even know what part of the Household Unit he helped do purchasing for. I think he was some kind of internal guy who bought stuff for the unit itself. He got offloaded because he did not do very much. Then there was this ex-army guy who, in the middle of a sec check with Gelda Mithoff, blew and stole some money and a car to make his get away.
 
 
 
We were recalled after that. I was sent to do deck work again, but this time it was on a special project. I had to help JM on the * Container Project. LRH's personal belongings were being stored in a set of 7 containers. Large 10' by 30' containers, or wider in some cases. The book/library container had rows and rows of bookshelves filled with every book LRH ever owned. Many of these books were moldy. We had to salvage the ones that could be salvagable. We sprayed them with alcohol and put them out in the sun. When there was no sun out, we used UV lights. There were about four of us, daily for months, going through each container and cleaning and de-molding/mildewing the book or item and carefully inventorying the book or item, wrapping it up in approved smell free plastic, and then putting them into trunks.
 
Special trunks that we had to Z-lac thoroughly the insides of so that there was no odors. Hundreds of trunks of junk. Gifts from people all over the world, photo frames, little paper weights, paintings, tiny statues, items that LRH had collected over the years in his travels. It had to be precisely described and wrapped up so that it could be found again. In case LRh said, "Hey, you remember that wooden fisherman statue from South Africa? Put that in my office in Johannesburg..." We'd be able to find and use it. Or... if an LRh space got renovated and new decorations were needed. Things that actually belonged to LRH were available to be used. He had an enormous amount of stuff! Ironically my twin sister is probably in charge of all this stuff now, because she still works out at the base taking care of the LRH spaces.

There was this other container that I found that was full of old files from the base. It looked like old, 70's, Pers and Ethics and some PC files. When Larry Wollersheim was suing the C of S around 1985, I was assigned to help go through all the files and find anything with Larry Wollersheim's name on it. I was told verbally by the person running the project that the files with his name on it were going to get burned and destroyed, but I actually did not see this happen.
 
 
 
There was also a list with other people's names. Anyone who had been declared a Suppressive Person, such as Gerry Armstrong. I remember finding some of Mark Yaeger's and David Miscavige's old files. I turned them in like a good staff member, but I snuck a peak at them too! I saw that both DM and Mark had plenty of Comm Ev's and lower condition assignments. That DM had to do some "PTS" handlings too. It made me feel better to know that these two were human and got into trouble too when they were younger messengers. I looked forward to the day that I would be all growed up like them and no longer having to do PTS handlings and lower conditions so often...

Sometime mid 1984, I was transferred from the Messenger On Duty unit to the Cine Messenger Unit. I got my picture taken in a stupid checkered shirt, that looked like a race track flag, and a red cravat and had it sent up to LRH so he could see my mug, his new Cine Messenger. I was Cine Messenger MS. I still helped on laundry, but I had some new errands I had to do for LRH.
 
 
 
I had this one project where I had to make copies of movies off of TV or make a copy of a rented video. Put them into a bankers box with photo copied summaries of each show on paper in the top of the box. I eventually turned this over to Tina Oaks, the MonD IC. It was more of a personal errand for LRH than the duty of a Cine Messenger. I was amazed at how many video tapes LRH could zip through in a week. He compiled a list of movies and shows that were authorized by him for the film crew to watch as part of their training. He authorized movies like Silent Running with Bruce Dern as a good movie to view to see how movies get made. He banned anyone from watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. He recommended the foreign movie DIVA and suggested the Gold crew watch in after reading his new advice called CINE IS PIX. Oddly enough, in my History of film class, I found a newspaper article written BEFORE LRH had written his CINE IS PIX advice that almost said most of the same thing. I wrote down the name of the article. One of these days, I'm going to get my own copy of this article and send it to the L. Ron Hubbard Library and ask why LRh didn't acknowledge or write a footnote about the author he'd copied from.

I had to learn how to observe the Cine film crew, while wearing my stiff and uncomfortable and scratchy race track flag shirt, and take copious written notes about their behavior. I had to note specifically anyone treating me or the other Messengers rudely or trying to brush us off. I had to note anyone complaining or nattering. I had to note anyone not doing their jobs well, note anyone who were doing their jobs well. I had to note all kinds of things. I hand wrote my notes on yellow lined paper, then at night, I had to type up a summary and "proposed handlings" of any problems I'd noted. I could not just say " The Cine Film crew got nothing done today". I had to propose a HANDLING for it. There was never any evidence to me that LRH even read my "proposed handlings". I am pretty sure he just read the notes.
 
 
 
One note I and some of the other Messengers had made was that the film crew were up at 3AM having a meeting one night. LRH sent down a five page advice about what the Cine film crew's schedule should be. It was entitled "Department Head Conferences" and it revolved around what conferences needed to happen and when, and when shooting was done, when preps were done and when study was done. This one issue I actually found to lessen confusion and increase production incredibly. Unfortunately, it left out that it clashed with the other advices LRh had written about study times and renovations day for the base as a whole and this clash would last an infinite amount of time and be the subject of local issues and changes for years to come. If only LRH could have remembered his weekend renovations day advice and included some kind of reference to that, such as, the film crew are not included in renovations day OR, there will be renovations day only every OTHER weekend or SOMETHING.
 
 
 
I got pretty good at staying up late and still being able to type! But, after the adventure of it all kind of wore off, I actually really hated doing this. I did not want to be a Cine Messenger anymore. I hardly slept at all and I wasn't doing much of anything in my opinion. I wanted to learn how to make films and help get them made, not be some kind of spy note taker. I couldn't tell anyone that I was not enjoying being a Cine Messenger because the only way OUT of the Cine Messenger Unit was through the RPF. It was strict because this unit was considered such an important unit. LRH's "Assistant Directors" to get the vital Tech and public films produced. The problem is that we spent so much time taking notes and sending them to him, and running programs from RTC's LRH Personal Battle Plan Programs Ops, and the Programs Chief CMO INT that we hardly had any time to actually study and learn about film making so we could be more useful. At least I didn't anyway. I can't vouch for all the Cine Messengers. There were five of us. I think one, Sharder, got all his study checksheets done, but he was mostly involved in Program running and management stuff because he had more training in and experience with this than any of the other Cine Messengers.

OK, I think I've made it up to 1985, the year of my first Purification Rundown, the year I finally hit puberty --- kind of late at age 19 -- but hey, better late than never! I finally stopped being flat chested! And some other things, had to start using tampons and stuff.
 
 
 
Let's see, 1985 was also the year of Portland! I was sent out to Portland to help with the Event set ups. I didn't do much besides hang out and watch and drive around sometimes trying to find things like mic stands, extra paint, a tape recorder for the musicians. Things like that. It was amazing how busy I was at walking around doing not much. I later got involved with assemblying all the video footage for Ted Horner, who was editing the video footage of Portland. I spent many hours simply watching and logging video tapes. I had a nice hotel room and food. Most people in portland had to sleep in tents or the floor of the Portland Org, or out at Delphi. Not me, I had some decent places to sleep.
 
 
 
My step-father came to visit me in Portland. His family was in Eugene and so he stopped by on a family trip to see me. I was really happy to see him. I gave him a big hug. He took me and my brother to a local national park, I think it was Multnomah falls. We both instantly fell asleep in the back of the car on the way there. We were exhausted. My little brother was a "Celebrity liaison" and he was constantly running back and forth and relaying messages to some of the celebritys and/or their assistants about what was going on and where they were needed and when. I think he even had a beeper, made him feel important. It was happy to see my brother again. He'd grown taller since I'd left him in Clearwater and his voice was deeper. I wished I could have brought him back with me to Gold. I'd missed him.

Well, I hope I am not boring anyone with too many details. I'd hoped to get farther than 1985, but the memories kind of just flooded into my head. Tomorrow I should have to some time, for real to make another chapter. Thanks for reading. Sorry for the typos. My editor is on vacation somewhere...
 
Part Ten
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* Advices/desptaches were on 8 1/2" by 11" white paper with black letters. Around the late 80's a project was done to categorize all of these * advices into which areas they pertained to and most of them were turned into LRH Executive Directives which were 8 1/2" by 14" white paper with blue letters. The * advices for the Cinematagraphy area became LRH Executive Directives for CINE, the advices about grounds/constuction and building care were entitled LRH Executive Directive Estates, the *advices about music and audio were LRH Executive Directive Audio or Music, etc.
 
When Jon Horwitz completed his RPF and A to E program, he was put in charge of the Int Hats Project starting with the Int base. So he compiled hat packs. Part of his job therefore was making sure all the * advices that were needing to be included in someone's hat pack got proposed and approved to graduate from it's state as merely a black on white * advice sitting loosely in some file drawer somewhere, to a full-blown blue on white Executive Directive on nice paper with holes punched in it, and a home in hat packs for the jobs and areas they pertained to. When it was my turn to help Jon compile my hat pack, for the Video In Charge position, I had to go through all of the * advices.
 
There were also previous SU EDs which had the status of *advice as well, but had a slightly different format than a despatch to someone with info copies listed on it. In the 70's, messengers would type LRH's "advices" up as SU EDs and assign them a number. They were signed R or Messenger for R at the bottom. There were other odd codes on these that I didn't fully understand such as: if at the bottom there was this symbol, " # # # ", it meant it was from LRH. If there was this symbol at the end, " + + + ", it meant that Annie had written it. I had in a file folder in my office file folders of these things that had been bequeathed to me from previous post holders and I had to propose which ones would graduate to becoming an LRH Executive Directive Cine.
 
One of the requisites was that it was indeed from LRH, and not just from a messenger. If it was from a messenger, then it seemed to matter which messenger and if LRH would likely to have ordered that messenger to write it or not AND/OR if the action or order was done, LRH knew about it and had accepted it that way and it had become customary. If it passed those tests, then it had to get edited.
 
 
Names of staff members had to get edited out somehow or changed. For example, if LRH says "Waldo should...." and Waldo at the time was the Talent Chief, then the line would get changed to "The Talent Chf should..." . Looking back on this, I can see that this was more political than educational actually. Because if I wanted to clarify that LRH was talking to the Talent Chief when he said it, then I would simply put a foot note that Waldo was the Talent Chief at the time. Not remove his name. That way membership history would remain documented.
 
If LRH referred to a specific piece of equipment that was not in use anymore, then that would get updated. For example, LRH might have said, "Use the Sony video camera when shooting shots with fire or bright lights and not the JVC" I would have to understand the concept of the sentence and find out from longer term staff members that the "Sony" was a cheapo black and white camera that no one cared about, and the JVC was a more expensive color video camera that had expensive tubes in it that would be harmed by bright lights. I'd compare the equipment situation then with the current scene and what it might be in the future and I'd propose a different sentence such as, "Do not use tube camera(s) during the filming of scenes with bright lights and fire, it can harm the tube (s)" and maybe use a footnote defining tube and why it would harm them.
 
This way, the advice is not open to misinterpretation. The biggest misinterpretation of the original advice was that some of the Cine crew thought that they could only use black and white video for quality checking bright light and fire scenes despite the fact that, in the late 80's, I had a very nice CCD color camera that could be used. There was also the argument that I COULD actually point our expensive CEI (CEI is a company in the south bay area of CA -- I forget what it stands for-- maybe "California Electronic Innovations", or something like that) single tube, black and white video tap camera (a video tap camera is a camera that is attached to the viewfinder of a film camera so it can see on video the same image the cameraman sees through the viewfinder of the camera) at bright lights because LRH said to use the 'SONY' ,which was also a single tube black and white video camera. Yikes, that would have been a $5,000 mistake. There was even the interpretation that I had to keep that very same OLD Sony black and white camera working! And use that piece of crap for fire and bright light scenes when it wasn't worth fixing!!! So getting this original advice edited before making it an Executive Directive quelled much argument and confusion.

Jon Horwitz was very literate and quite good at all this. It was an educational experience for me with regards to the fact that in some cases, LRH did in fact need to be interpreted! Because things that he said and wrote sometimes referred to people and things that no longer existed. I had to learn how to ask "Why would LRH say that?" :question: and take a good look at it. Why would LRH say to use an old Sony B& W camera for bright light scenes and not the color JVC camera? I could then theorize that it was to prevent damage to the JVC color camera tubes. I would know from my own experience and interaction with a professional video technician that if I let a bright light point at the JVC's color video tubes, a dark black spot would become permanently "burned" into the surface of the tubes at the point where the bright light was. The only way to fix it would be to point the video camera at an evenly lit surface for hours eventually getting rid of the spot or spots.
 
This 'fix' however put wear and tear on the tubes themselves and shortened their overall clarity and brightness and life span. It is highly likely that LRH noticed this back in the 70's because color tube cameras had not changed much since then. I could then maybe find some old set tapes that were recorded using the old SONY and look at it. I could indeed see that the old SONY had more resilience to bright lights, but I also could see that it too had been damaged eventually, so I could assume it was more "expendable" than the color video camera.
I incorrectly assumed that this was "Scientology" that this sane activity of reviewing LRH's advices so as to get rid of confusions about them was a destinctly "Scientology" activity. I assumed it was being done regularly. It was not. I think there is a logical fallacy named after this very form of iillogic, where a person extends some single or unique experience to a larger whole or general category of experience.
 
Well, I'm headed for my soapbox .
 
I could see that having policy did actually improve a group. But having outdated and hard to understand policy in place AND the rule that "policy must be followed" created insanity and mayhem. Other Sea Organization members could get behind and enforce the dumbest things with great conviction because they were doing their duty! Of "getting in ethics, tech and admin" and following SOURCE to the damn letter! When what they were ordering or enforcing was not right.
 
Imagine in regular society what would happen (and this has happened and still happens) if a bad or outdated law gets enforced by the police, because it's THEIR DUTY! ? Imagine if the police were still enforcing the law that women did not have the right to vote? That would suck if we, as a society couldn't do ANYTHING to change shit.
In a democracy laws CAN get changed, even the United States Constitution can be changed. It's very difficult to do, but there is a way it CAN be done because the founding members of America knew that times change and things can get outdated. LRH didn't do this! He left no stipulation for what to do if something needed to get changed. It is no wonder that DM has to make these wild claims and lies of "lost and found tech" to change anything. I don't agree with all of his changes, if any, but I also know that IF A VALID CHANGE DID NEED TO GET MADE, he is stuck in a corner because of LRH, and his own lack of creativity. He and every Scientologist would have to ADMIT openly (not just covertly in their head like they do now) that LRH MADE MISTAKES in order to fix this.
 
What if perhaps there was an actual "Board" for the Church of Scientology and every member had equal status and rights to vote in democratic decisions? That they actually got paid the same as an average non-profit group board member (what? 50,000 a year?) What if Scientology Organizations actually grew up and said, "hey Daddy LRH was NOT RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING, we are going to have to think for ourselves now" The Board members could get education in theology, marketing, public relations, non profit work, etc. The board would NOT just be lawyers. This new Board could indeed review all instructional policy and directions about counselling methods and administration. I'm not, at first, including anything purely philosophical in nature, such as The Tone Scale, or ideas about past lives and the existence of spirits. But if LRH said to DO something a certain way, then that could get reviewed and voted on. And the members themselves could be appointed and accepted based on merit and education /training level. As far as considering the Sea Organization "three feet back of societies head" and letting that mean that OSA is somehow above the law in what they do to "protect" the C of S --- this COULD get changed by the Board. No more illegal activities!
 
Cancel SP declares on anyone for blowing staff or leaving Scientology. Make it completely OK to leave AND come back of a person's own free will. Wouldn't that be novel? Then statistics could actually get used to manage by. The Board could see that in year so and so, many members left, and they could find out why and fix it. Rather than adopting (as is currently done) false statements from DM such as, "More SPs are attackings us than ever, that's a GOOD sign, because it means we are doing our jobs and the SPs can't stand it!" I have it in quotes, but it is a paraphrase. I know that DM said this many times and worded it differently. There is a reason why no one publishes transcripts for the events...because DM says a bunch of weird crap at these events so he won't have to OPEN HIS EYES and GROW UP and stop pretending that LRH is somehow going to "come back" and hold his hand again.
 
If DM, or anyone thinks that starting a new group called "Scientology" was a good idea and has some redeeming qualities, then he needs to DO something about it. Should it stay a group? And what would need to happen to make it an acceptable group? What would tie it together? What would the base be? It could no longer be following LRH or DM slavishly and never questioning things. It could no longer declare people "suppressive" and make them permanent enemies. It would have to undeclare everyone. They would have to get honest and change LRH's biography the way Gerry Armstrong said it should have been changed in the first place. It would have to take the actual goals of Scientology like " A world without war,crime, and insanity" and review it. I think the wording of the existing Scientology goal COULD be misinterpretted to mean one would kill anyone that is a criminal or insane because then the world would be "without" them. So that goal would have to be corrected.
 
I think that the Church of Scientology and all of its assets has some redeeming qualities and it can be reformed and made productive. Maybe this is a pipe dream It would take an overhaul. A complete overhaul and it would not be EASY.
 
What about selling some of the less used assets and using the money to compensate victims of Scientology abuse in some way? Make amends and make friends.
 
I think the OT levels are bullshit, but I actually never tried to do them. If I was a Board member of this new imaginary Board I'm thinking about, I'd make the OT Levels OPTIONAL. And I'd require donations only to be made after the fact IF the person is ABLE and WILLING to donate for them. I might even have a seperate Board for this activity since some of this really still needs research, I don't think LRH had it all figured out.
 
I sometimes think about the Gold Studio and WHAT IF that studio actually was being used to make really good education materials? To help people get more literate, to help teach people about democracy and their rights and responsibilities in a democracy? Why waste that studio on making propaganda videos? It is such a damn waste! It COULD be used to make a better world. AND it could be fun.
 
I have also enterntained the thought many times that the C of S is inherently evil and has no redeeming qualities. That all that was "good" in Scientology was probably plagiarized or stumbled upon by sheer luck. That it's inception was to be a scam and all it ever will be is a scam.
 
What kind of gets me going back and forth about all this is when I imagine WHAT IF....
WHAT IF... my twin sister got one month off every year to visit family and me, what if she had time off on the weekends and evenings sometimes to do whatever she wanted. What IF she had full medical and dental care and was getting paid 12,000 a year PLUS room and board. What IF she could moonlight if she wanted on her spare time and write music or books? What If she could keep the Gold base as her home if she choses to? And she could keep her room and board and medical and dental when she retired? And she could hang out and give advice when she was older. What if she wanted to have children, she could still do so? What if it was like a regular job at a non-profit group?
 
What if the studio was used to create income for the non-profit? To sell educational video series or whatever and one wouldn't need overcharge other orgs and members to support the base and it's projects and upkeep. What if Scientology stayed a religion and stopped acting like a business? What if Scientology quit targeting "EVIL PSYCHIATRISTS" for the world's problems? And actually made friends with Psychiatry? And worked together with the ones who ARE making changes for the better? What if it set up kind of a "consumer advocacy group" for mental health activities seperately and had both Scn and NON SCN board to check and balance itself? Have like an external group that did surveys and gathered information on all therapys being touted and do a Consumer Report on them?
 
What about making "The Sea Organization" an actual on-paper organization? A non-profit group like the Sierra Club. And people would get membership cards and calenders of events. And there would be training available, on board a non-asbestos ship, in teamwork and seamanship?
 
OR, WHAT IF the Church of Scientology just completely fails and loses all of it's assets because it never reforms? And all that will be lift will be ex- members who have become responsible citizens of their respective countrys, with a renewed sense of the values of family, democracy, using logic and critical thinking. That would be OK too.
I have a little time for some more story here. I'll get off my soapbox .
 
In 1987 I actually got a chance to visit my Mom. She was so Happy to see me. My brother had been a bad boy and left before doing his exam after his sec check. He didn't want to miss his plane. So I kind of did what I was taught about ethics and I had him sit and write down OWs and I had him clean my Mom's bathroom for amends. Then we went to the movies together and to the beach I gave him some driving lessons . Then I had to drag him back to PAC and I went back to the base.
 
My brother got transferred to the LRH Copyrights Office because he'd been in the SO # 1 Unit before that. I guess he'd gone there when Portland was over. With LRH gone, the SO #1 Unit got scaled way down and transferred to the off ice of the Executive Director International. One my brothers SO #1 jobs was to stamp the letters with the special blue ink "Ron" signature. What a job huh? Oh, SO #1 was Standing Order #1, the issue that LRh wrote saying that he recieved all of the letters that people sent him and he responded to them. He'd been moved to PAC from Flag and he was not having fun. I told my brother to plead "PTS TO MOM" to get him off the hook for blowing and I guess it did. But my brother probably didn't want off the hook.
 
In PAC, in the LRH Copyrights office with his boss Allison, CST had some spaces in the old CMO PAC building in the back -- the Copyrights Office was next to that. My brother had to go through a filing cabinet of issues whos copyrights had expired or were about to expire and chose which ones were going to be renewed for the month and put them on renewal lines. There wasn't much in the way of a system of which ones had more priority. My brother would just randomly reach into this filing cabinet and pull something out and say, "OK, lets renew this one". There were confidential issues in this cabinet and my brother felt guilty for looking at them. There were some issues about R6EW, there was the script to "Revolt in the Stars" and some other things.
 
He had an accident on his bicycle while riding on the streets of Hollywood. He broke his leg and went to the hospital. The hospital found out he was C of S staff and said, "they won't pay the bill, let's discharge him as soon as possible" So they did. His leg did not set right and remained permanently bowed. It would have cost extra to break it and reset it, but he had no money.
 
Upon return to the LRH Copyrights Office, he went and got involved with some kind of "all-hands" and he was discovered by BRIDGE. He was apparently good at sales manager duties. So he was transferred to Bridge. For a short time he was the Sales Mgr WUS at Bridge. His stats went way up and he was actually getting paid. Life was kind of good. But my brother was unhappy, he wanted a family of his own and other things not possible in the SO.... so he decided to route out.
 
Bridge did not want him to route out! And nobody would help him, because his stats were up! So he crashed his stats and was purposefully non-productive until Bridge was forced to offload him. That was tough for him to do because our Step-Father always taught us "If you are going to do something, do it right" but he was kind of backed into a corner and felt he didn't have a choice. He went back to the San Jose area and went to San Jose Community College. My step-father was doing a teaching job there! So my brother got to be a student in his class. My brother told me that my step father was a great teacher. His class rooms were standing room only (attendance is by choice of the students completely, if they don't like the teacher or class, they can transfer or drop--- so a full classroom means students LOVE that teacher!)
 
I wasn't allowed to talk to my brother because he was a "Freeloader" but I secretly did anyway. The problem with this was that my brother's wife became interested in the Sea Organization because of me and convinced him to join again. Oh NOoooooooo
 
He went back to CW and became folder page at the FSO for a bit and then he became the SandCastle shuttle driver. I saw him a couple times when I went to video shoots at Flag. He had to route out later because his wife got offloaded and he did not want to divorce her. Good for him. He and his wife tried very hard to have kids, but he found out he had a genetic disorder preventing him from having kids. A chromosomal problem. It was sad for him and his wife. His wife left him , but he remarried later to someone he loves and she had children from a previous marriage, so he kind of got to be a step dad somewhat. He's got a job in CW and owns a home. The booger hasn't called or written me recently, but we are in touch off and on. He's got his own pagan coven that he and his wife manage. He says it's very popular and he likes being a cult leader. I doubt that he's really a "cult" leader, he's using the misdefinition of that word when it has been used to just mean "unusual beliefs". Cult really means a group that uses harsh and extreme methods to control it's members. He doesn't do that.
 
Between 1987 and 1988, only a few films got produced by the film crew. Oh, but we were very BUSY and didn't get much sleep anyway. All of them eventually got redone. I admit that these years were better in terms of schedule than other years, because I managed to get some auditing and a couple of family visits into my life. I did an "Int Rundown" and I got most of my "Method One" from Spike Bush. He'd been promoted to RTC from Flag by Jesse P. and was in RTC for a while, then both he and Jessie were busted to Gold and made into FPRD Auditors to audit the Cine and Audio crew. So, I had to get my set ups and one of those things was my Method One.
 
I did like most of this because I became less overwhelmed with all the words and terms I was encountering in the very techno area of film making and the equipment that was involved. So I appreciated Spikes help on this. He and Jesse later got busted again for being rabble rousers. Jesse eventually left the SO completely and Spike stayed and became the Grounds Chf. I've heard that he is no longer alive. Not sure what he passed away from, he was not that old.
In mid 1988, most of the film crew got ordered to do the Officer Training School onboard the Freewinds. James Burns ran the program. More on this later.
 
OK, that's where I'll leave off on this chapter
 
Chapter 11
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I have realized while writing this WHY I have wanted to spend time writing in the first place. I think up details about my experiences and in doing so, I can see what good I got out of it and I can see the bad I can warn others about. I'm hoping that anyone reading this learns things from whatever I write that makes their lives just a little bit better.
 
I watched a cartoon when I was about 8 or 9. There was this character walking along a road. He fell into a hole in the ground that had been disguised as part of the road. He was angry. He got out and kept walking. Another character came along and he too, fell into the hole. He pulled himself out of the hole and he decided to hide behind a rock and watch other unsuspecting "idiots" fall into the hole too. Then he would point and laugh at them. Another character walked into this same hole, but when he got out of the hole, he went and got a big sign saying "watch out, hole in the ground" and put an arrow pointing to the hole to prevent others from falling in. Another character wasn't looking, he was reading his paper, and he didn't see the sign and he fell into the hole anyway. He pulled himself out, saw that there was a sign he missed and said, "Oh" and he kept walking. Another character accidentally fell into the hole despite the sign and he got out of the hole, brushed himself off and decided that he would get a shovel and fill in the hole! So he filled in the hole. He took away the sign and then walked away. No more problems. For anyone. There was no longer a hole in the road.
 
Currently, Scientology is a big HOLE IN THE ROAD. And those of us who fell into it and are taking action to warn others and to fill in the hole are demonstrating the good characters. Everyone who posts on this sight, on OCMB, etc. are awesome. Even people who simply read and don't post, because they are probably getting themselves out of the hole by doing so, or avoiding it, and some day they will be able to help others get out of the hole,avoid it, and help eventually to fill it in so no one can fall into it again

Back around 1996, which I haven't gotten to yet (it's juicy) --- this is kind of a sneak preview of, I went nuts. I had a breakdown and went "Type 3" or whatever the heck you want to call it. I was CSd for THREE Introspection Rundowns!!! In order to recover, I did many things. The first was to assume (as all good Scientologists are taught to do) that my personal failures were because of "OUT TECH" and "OUT ADMIN" and "OUT ETHICS" towards ME -- I had to stop blaming myself. The second step was to "be a good SO Member" and confront those concerned about the "out-ethics", "out-admin", "out-tech" and/or write "knoweldge reports" about it all-- I had to stick up for myself, be my own hero. The third thing I did was realize that doing the second step was useless and I had to try something else, the fourth thing I did was to determine that I went nuts because Scientology and LRH were complete crap! I said F___ LRH !and F____ SCIENTOLOGY! and I screamed it at the top of my lungs.
 
The fifth thing was to learn to love and respect my own non-Scientology family and friends and to learn and re-learn a good value system (things like honesty) from them, the sixth thing was to get reconnected to actual society --- I did this by finding a job with regular non-Scientologists and associating with them, by going back to college and working on my education, I spoke to Ex SO Members I felt I could trust (Thank You, you know who you are) , I spoke to some journalists that I felt I could trust, I studied the internet and books not by LRH. The seventh thing was to prove the schizo/paranoid bullshit generality from LRH about how "ALL psychiatrists were evil" WRONG and I met some good psychiatrists and psychologists. I went to see one of the psychologists for a while and she helped me greatly.
 
The eighth thing was I decided to review my experiences and change what I did in step four because I was stable enough to do so. I was ready to face the confusion The ninth thing was to determine that not ALL Scientology was crap and that some of what I went through and learned is worth keeping and knowing. The tenth thing is that I have been determining what EXACTLY in my experiences and studies as a Scientologist rubbed me the wrong way and I've been using my new college education and faith in my family and pre-Scientology experiences --and even some of my Scientology exeriences, to denounce those things specifically.
 
I basically kind of established some bins of information and experience: One bin for "improves sanity, beneficial to life" and another bin for "harms sanity, crazy shit" and "funny as hell, still dont' know what to think about it" and "traumatic, upsetting, but maybe I needed to take the medicine, probably good for sanity" Stuff like that. Two bins to start with would be OK, but making a bunch more bins is fun too. I'm in charge of my own sanity and soundness of mind. If someone tried to convince me that "All Lawyers are bad", I can say (no matter how important the person saying it is), "That's illogical, it's "poisoning the well". You don't know ALL lawyers for one and secondly I know some good lawyers. I disagree with you." I don't have to say , "OH OK" and then forever have this strange sense of fear around lawyers.
 
So bascially what I did was denounce the crap generally and then I went back and got more focused so as not to waste everything. I recommend that approach to anyone. You don't have to wrap your wits around everything at first. You can just get on a soapbox and scream LRH LIED, SCIENTOLOGY IS A SCAM! or "DM is a SUPER JACKASS, F____ HIM and his stooges!" and you will feel better. But take an additional step and dig in and say well what exactly? Am I mad about Locationals? NO, am I mad about TAKE A WALK? No. Am I mad about using in-baskets? No,.Am I mad about reporting my statistics Thursday before 2? Yes!!! Something was up with that. Am I mad about only 30 bucks to 50 bucks a week in the Sea Organization? YES!!! Am I mad about the e-meter? Well not entirely, that would have to get broken down into specifics too.
 
Am I mad about labelling ANYONE closely connected to someone in disagreement with anything about Scientology a Potential Trouble Source? YES. Am I mad about the re-sign line policies? YES. Why send someone to ethics and punish the staff with lost stats if a public person does not re-sign? Am I mad about the donation structure? YES, it's like it's a business in the disguise of a religion. Am I mad about referring to non-Scientologists with the deragatory term of "wog"? YES. Let's knock that off.
 
Am I mad about never having the RIGHT to disagree with LRH? YES. Double YES. I should have been able to circle anything in any of my books with 'bullshit' and not have some supervisor come over and tell me I had "misunderstoods" or I needed to "do more clay demos" or I needed to "go to ethics". Damn it, some of what LRH said was bullshit! Come on Get real.
 
Scientology is a cult. Currently there is nothing untrue about that statement, but this does not have to be a permanent state of affairs. If members of the Church of Scientology actually want to change their status and shirk this cult label, all they have to do is CHANGE. What exactly to they need to CHANGE? Church of Spiritual Technology Center, Religious Technology Center and ALL the Scientology related organizations and the Sea Organization and the IAS and other membership groups
 
ALL need to just say this : WE NO LONGER WILL DECLARE "SUPPRESSIVE" MEMBERS WHO BLOW, LEAVE, DECIDE NOT TO BE MEMBERS AND/OR WHO TALK HONESTLY IN PUBLIC OR TO JOURNALISTS. ALL MEMBERS HAVE A RIGHT TO COME AND GO AS THEY CHOSE AND THEY ALL HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH. WE WILL NO LONGER HARASS CRITICS, WE WILL LISTEN TO THEM AND USE DEBATE AND DISCUSSION TO RESOLVE OUR DISAGREEMENTS. WE ACKNOWLEDGE THAT LRH WAS NOT RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING, THAT HE MADE MISTAKES, THAT WE AS MEMBERS HAVE A RIGHT TO FIX THOSE MISTAKES, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE ROBOTS.
 
This would be a start. Until then, "Scientology" is a CULT damn it and that makes it a big hole in the ground for planet earth.
 
The Oneida silverware company started out as a sex-cult in Victorian times. The founder and members considered it a valid Christian Church group. The Founder had his own interpretations of the bible and they all wanted to live it. They went through a period of extremely strange behavior sexually as a group and they used harassment and peer pressure and other cult techniques. Eventually one of the kids of the founder, his daughter got out. And she wrote an expose memoir, including stories about incest --- which was part of the "religion". The outside community were outraged. In order to survive, Oneida had to CHANGE. A BOARD was put together and they decided to STOP the unusual sexual practises and they decided that they would no longer remain a "religious group". They incorporated as a silveware company and they preserved their teachings and beliefs with regards to perfectionism. They kept their main house for historical reasons, for tours, and for administrating the new business. They make some really great silverware.
 
Scientology should learn from that example. What in Scientology can be preserved? Can it stay a "religion"? Or should it become a self-improvement business? What makes it a cult that the society is protesting that it should just plain STOP? It should STOP those thing immediately and inform society as a whole that they have truly done so. Should they denounce their own Founder's inappropriate actions and behavior too? Absolutely, and they should revise his biography too.
 
 
- Twin A
 
Original source