Kim Baker My Story

Kim Baker – My Story
Date: Fri, 18 Nov 1994

THE FIRST CONTACT:

My ex and I met shortly before President Mandela was released. It was a time of much change and turbulence in the country. For the first time, ever, I felt free to pursue a personal life. When we met, he told me about Scientology - the spiritual side, nothing about the "Organisation". To cut a long story short, we fell in love and married.

I went into Cape Town Org with him to find out more about Scientology. The person I was to see was wearing what looked like a navy uniform. I thought this was a bit odd at the time, but remembered that the Salvation Army also wear uniforms. I shall refer to him only as "G". He started off by talking to me about my life, what I thought about spirituality, etc. Did I think help was possible? Did I think I could be helped in any way? At the time, I had to say frankly, no - I felt in pretty good shape, but I did want to learn more.

The conversation continued: G: "All right. Do you feel it is possible to give help?" I laughed. "Yes, absolutely. In fact I would like to improve my ability to help others." "That's great!" he replied, and beamed at me. Then he said, "How do you feel about control?" "Hmm," I replied, if you're talking about the kind of control our government uses, then I think it is bad." "Well, OK. How about if I told you to pick up that book over there and pass it to me?" "Do you want me to do that?" "Yes." I picked up the book and gave it to him. He looked at me earnestly. "Now was that so bad?" "Was what so bad?" "I just excersized a form of control over you." "Oh. Well, no, that was fine, " I replied. "Excellent!

Now, have you noticed in your life that if you do something you feel bad about, you tend to do more bad things after that?" "Hmmmm," I pondered this for a while. "OK", he said, " Give me an example - tell me something that you did wrong in your life." I became uncomfortable for a bit, and then said "Ummm, I ducked out of University for a while and hitch-hiked around the country with this guy, and we did drugs." "Very good! Now what happened after that?" "Umm, well I had to lie about where I had been to several people". "Exactly! Now do you see how that one bad act led to more?" I nodded, feeling a sense of relief, and an odd "rush".

G then got down to business: "well, I can see that you are MUCH more aware than the average person that walks in off the street here - willing to talk, no comm lag (time taken to receive and answer a communication). You are VERY up-stat (able), and A to B (able to look at things directly). How would you like to help, REALLY help, in one of the greatest purposes on this planet?" I became stirred, excited. "I would - what would I have to do?" "Join staff, here -join our group, and help to free mankind!!"

It sounded great, so I agreed. I signed a contract to join Foundation Staff. (I had a day job, so could not work there during the day). The hours were 7.00 pm to 10.00 pm, Monday to Friday, and 9.00am till 6.00 pm, Saturdays and Sundays. This was a bit much for me, newly married and all, but my ex was delighted. I'm going to stop at this point, and look at what lay underneath the above interview.

THE HIDDEN AGENDA:

What I did not know at the time was that G was a veteran Sea Org member, down in Cape Town on a mission to recruit staff for Cape Town Org. He had to achieve his "stat" (number of staff members recruited) by Thursday, 2.00 pm. The interview took place on Wednesday night. He had also been drilled thoroughly on a standard technique of how to interest people in Scientology.

Here is the drill:

1. By two-way comm get the person to admit that help is possible.

2. By a little direction of his converation or motions, or by two-way comm on good or bad control, make the person see that control is not always horrible.

3. By showing the person that overts (bad acts) lead to more overts, get the person to mention some of his or her own overts. This brings about a raised willingness to talk to you. 4. Close the person (to buy the book, the course, or in this case, sign a staff contract.) I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. I thought we were just having a conversation, and did not realise that I had just had my first piece of " tech" applied to me.

WHY I WAS VULNERABLE TO IT:

Chris Schafmeister referred in another post to the exploitation of weakness by FSMs. This is the type of thing that can make an unaware person vulnerable:

1. I genuinely had a desire to help people.

2. I felt flattered by the attention and interest I received.

3. I wanted to impress my ex.

4. Deep down, I was bored with life, missing the old "edge" from days gone by, and needed excitement.

5. I was (and still am) aware of a spiritual reality, had explored many other religions, but had not found any one of them to "be for me".

6. I have never been a "high profile" person - my political activities were always in the backgound, strategic. G made me feel important.

7. I agreed - let's get this straight - no-one forced me - yes, I was manipulated, but I am the one who agreed into it.

8. Even deeper down, I liked the APPROVAL I received - I was more insecure at the time than I had thought, and needed the approval of others.

QUESTIONS:

This raises some very interesting philosophical questions. Scientology is not alone in using a technique designed to bring a person round to their way of thinking - governments do it, sales people do it, advertisers do it. What, however of the ETHICS of doing this? The old "ends justifies the means" adage. To what extent is it justified to manipulate a person mentally? WHO is to say what "cause" is correct, or the best for humanity? Invariably it is a few people who have decided this. What individual, or group ever has enough data, enough facts to hand to make such a decision?

In view of the fact that this is a constantly changing universe, how can a group determine that ONE paradigm of thought is THE answer, for ever more? That's the start of my story. As I examine and review the process of assimilation into Scientology, I will share what I think may be of interest. The very personal parts will be omitted, but I am striving to be honest about MY share of responsibility in this saga. I went into it as an adult, reasonably intelligent, but yet naive in many other ways, and with personal weaknesses that made me susceptible to it. It is these personal weaknesses that I am examining ruthlessly - Joe and Flemming's posts on "Rules on being human" spring to mind - "you will repeat a lesson until you learn it." *shudders*. I don't want to repeat THIS lesson, thank you very much!

PART TWO

I am taking a brief detour from the auto-biographical component of my story to examine a deep depression I was in recently. I mostly feel great about my decision, but on Sunday I felt very unstable, desolate, a great emptiness, lonliness and a sense of total isolation. I liken this to withdrawal symptoms from a drug. (I am fighting fit again, as I write this, by the way). I do not have the benefit of an exit counsellor - I am dealing with this on my own. My friends on a.r.s, a.r.s itself and Bent Coryden's book are a life- line to me. I do not have a "live" person, who was IN Scientology to speak to in the city where I live, though. So, I am "counselling" myself.

I looked at that isolation and despair that I was in, and forced myself to analyse it, to conquer it. My goal is NOT to "cave in" as they would have me do, I aim to recover to the point that I am happy and prospering again.

Here is what I have come up with: SOME THOUGHTS ON LEAVING A CULT... Cults, by their very definition, are marginalised from society. When one joins a cult, one learns gradually to accept a unique construct of reality. Scientology, in particular, has developed a whole language to support that definition of reality. Just as an inability to speak French precludes a German from understanding a conversation amongst a group of French people, so the "language" of Scientology precludes understanding by those who have not learned the dialect. This is a very subtle emotional trap. Because if the cultist wants to leave, s/he is faced with social isolation. S/he has this reality which cannot be shared with friends who do not know the dialect.

How do you explain the following to someone who knows nothing of Scientology? (Note: translation will follow):

"Your ethics are out, so your dynamics will cave in. You need to be CAUSE over your Bank, and stay connected to Source. If you don't, I will KR you, and depending on how out-ethics you are, this will go up-lines" That was an example of fairly low-level jargon. To an "outsider", it means nothing. Translated into English: "You have violated the moral code of Scientology, and the various areas of your life will be adversely affected as a result. You need to keep your Reactive mind under control, and keep studying and applying the philosophy of L. Ron Hubbard. If you don't do this, I will report you, in writing, and depending on how serious your crime is, it will be reported to higher authorities within the Scientology organisation"

The deeper into Scientology you go, the more difficult it is to translate: "You have flipped into an SP valence - you are stuck in an incident on your time-track, and dramatizing. You will be denied Eligibility if you continue, and you will miss all those LFBD's. Disconnect, or else!" (Said to me some weeks ago by a Sea Org member). Translation: "You have assumed the identity of a suppressive person. (By definition, a suppressive person is hostile to Scientology). You are acting out a role, not being the real YOU, from one of your past lives. If you continue to behave like this, you will not be allowed to do the OT Levels (upper levels of auditing in Scn), and you will miss getting rid of all that "charge" (which measures on the e-meter by a specific kind of needle reaction). Stop reading a.r.s., or else!"

There are even deeper levels than this. These two "light" examples are sufficient to demonstrate the subtle mechanism which excludes the cultist from normal social inter-action. The deeper the cultist goes, the more dependent they are on fellow cultists for communication and social interaction - and the more difficult it is to leave and re-integrate into normal society. I am sure that these thoughts are not new, but I thought I'd share them, as they are very real to me right now.

I understand why people commit suicide, and how difficult it is to leave a cult. I have no intention of giving them the satisfaction of doing myself in. I have every intention of surviving, getting my true personality back, using my experiences to help anyone else recover, and of re-integrating into society, doing well, and being happy! In part 3, I will continue with the autobiographical story.

Part 3

In Part 1, I described my first contact with Scientology. In part 2, I detoured to examine the emotional impact of leaving the cult. I now look at my first "service".

MY EXPERIENCE OF THE PURIFICATION RUNDOWN:

Having signed my 5 year contract, and full of enthusiasm to "save the planet", I went into Cape Town Org the following evening. G told me that my first step was the Purif. (Purification Rundown, an excersize, vitamin and sauna program designed to flush out drugs and radiation from the body). I was a bit skeptical about this - how did this address spiritual issues? G explained that spiritual progress was impeded by residue drugs and radiation. I bought it (in both senses of the word, it cost me R1500).

My ex left for Johannesburg for 3 weeks to complete a work project. Two nights later, after a medical check-up by a specifed doctor, I arrived to begin the Purif. I was given a vast quantity of vitamins, including niacin, and told to go jogging until I felt a prickly sensation. I did this, and then returned. G was waiting for me, and said : "Right. You are the new HAS." "The WHAT?" "HAS - Hubbard Area Secretary. Read this - it's a Hat write-up (job description) - while you're in the sauna. Spend at least 4 hours in the sauna, and come out when you're feeling good - take water and salt."

Somewhat overwhelmed, I trundled off to the sauna, and started reading my Hat write-up. I didn't understand a word of it. Jargon and terms everywhere. I started feeling panicky as a result. Five hours later, I still didn't "feel good", but gave up and went home. The following night I returned, and continued the program. When in the sauna, I was still trying to make sense of the "Hat write-up" when I started feeling dizzy. I took water and salt. And then I passed out. I was told that I was in the sauna like that for an hour.

I "came to" with a lot of shouting and someone hosing me down with water - I remember the panic on the faces of the staff. Clearly something had gone badly wrong. The next day, people at my place of employment remarked on how pale I was, and I felt shaky the whole day. I returned to the Org that night and stated my reluctance to continue the program. Eventually, I agreed to continue on the understanding that they would check on me regularly to see that something like that did not occur again.

I continued for another 5 nights, and nothing much happened. They attested me (a declaration, made on the e-meter that you have completed a Scn course or program), and asked me to write a success story. I didn't want to, but they said that I had to if I wanted to attest to completion, so I wrote down something about "feeling cleaned up", and that was the end of the Purif.

G had left, in the meantime, having completed his "mission". I said that I was not ready to go on staff, I needed to find out more about Scientology. They were not at all happy about this, but eventually agreed to let me go.

WHERE THEY WENT WRONG:

In fairness, I must point out that they did not apply their OWN policy correctly. Firstly, I should have been given the Purification Rundown Manual to read before going on the program. I should have had at least one other person doing the program with me. I should not have been given a "Hat write- up" to read in the sauna. A lot of people have done the Purif - some really enjoyed it, others were indifferent, and others did not like it at all. In mitigation on MY responsibility in the issue was the fact that I was brand new, and did not know that there was a manual to ask to see. I only found that out later.

ABOUT THE PURIF:

I am not a doctor, or a scientist, so I am not going to attempt a scientific study here - others have addressed this issue more adequately than I can. However, to my non-scientific mind, the whole credibility of the Purif rests on the premise that Niacin flushes out radiation and drugs. Niacin is nicotinic acid - a vitamin of the B group, which is prepared SYNTHETICALLY in a process that includes the oxidation of nicotine. The toxic effect is the DILATION OF THE VEINS, and this leads to hot flushes - high dosages also lead to abdominal cramps, tiredness and skin blemishes.

Hubbard had this to say about niacin: "Niacin's biochemical reaction is my own, private, personal discovery. In the middle of the 1950's I was doing work on radiation, and I worked out that it must be niacin that operated on radiation...Niacin runs out radiation. The outpoint in medical thinking has been that they thought Niacin itself turned on a flush. Niacin all by its lonesome does not turn on any flush. What it starts to do is immediately run out sunburn or radiation." - From HCOB 1978RB, reissued 31 July 1985, "The Purification Rundown replaces the sweat program."

QUESTIONS:

No-where in this, or other bulletins does Hubbard explain exactly HOW he reached this conclusion - he tells us "he worked it out", but HOW? Where is the evidence and proof of this? I am willing to bet that if you gave someone niacin, who had NEVER been exposed to radiation, they would still turn on a flush, by the mere fact that their veins had been dilated. Also, the fact that something DID go wrong with my particular program, even though it was "off-policy" (not a correct application of Hubbard's policy) raises this question: how can amateurs be allowed to administer this program? Why are there no safety precautions? Who is to say that this program is "safe"? Hubbard, who was neither a doctor, a biochemist nor a scientist, is the sole author of this program. Apparently doctors scrutinised the program, and found it to be rigorous, but not harmful. But again, in the hands of unqualified personnel...... More to follow in Part 4.

Part Four

I have been wrestling with the rest of my story - trying to find some way to omit the spiritual aspects, but I just cannot. I happen to believe in past lives, and I have memories of them that are real to me. Now before some of you dismiss me as yet another "nut", I ask you to take the following into consideration: if something is true, it should stand the test on all levels - physical (material), intellectual (philosophical) and spiritual (metaphysical). If one of these levels is not real to you, then discard that level, and judge my story on the philosophical level - judge the logical consistency of the thoughts presented.

SAVING THE PLANET:

After the Purif, I did not renege on my purpose to save the planet, and so I withdrew for a while to read some books on Scientology (Dianetics, Science of Survival, History of Man, The Phoenix lectures, Scientology 8-80 and 8-008) to get a better grip on the subject. I found the concepts intriguing, and strangely familiar. My ex returned from Johannesburg and we went into Cape Town Org to determine what to do next. I looked at the Grade Chart (the various levels of Scn, divided into two aspects : one on receiving auditing, one on learning how to audit others). I liked the part about learning how to audit others, and I was interested in the level of Clear Certainty Rundown (CCRD).

They did various tests, assessed my IQ, and did an OCA (Oxford capacity Analysis - a personality test), and then we looked at the results. My IQ score was high, and the OCA showed no area needing attention. They then asked me some questions on the e-meter. I told them that I thought I was "Clear" already. The net result was that I was told my next step was the CCRD, which could only be delivered in Johannesburg, and that I should buy an auditor training package. I did (it cost me R8000, I took out my first loan from the bank - fortunately I did not need to buy an e-meter, books or tapes - that would have added another R11 000 to my bill). THIS was how I was going to save the planet - at last I could channel that urge I had to heal people, spiritually.

THE STUDENT HAT:

I walked into the Academy. All I will say at this stage is that it was very, very familiar to me, and I fitted in with ease. The Student Hat teaches you how to study - clearing up misunderstood words, demonstrating concepts in clay, etc. I enjoyed it. The only part I didn't like is that if you had a question, the Course Supervisor never answered it, he showed you a Hubbard policy. This is to avoid "Verbal tech" - ONLY Hubbard's policy is allowed. I passed the exam with 100%.

THE KEY TO LIFE COURSE:

After completing the Student hat, there was a great push on the release of a new course, the "Key to Life" - which was THE answer to communication. On completion of this course, you were meant to be able to fully "duplicate" (understand) others, and have others "duplicate" you. The course cost R6000, I didn't feel like taking out another loan, and frankly, I didn't feel I really needed it, communication being one of my stronger points. However, I ended up converting the money from my auditor training package, at the insistence of the Reg. (Registrar - one who gets you to buy courses).

The materials of the Key to Life Course are confidential. It is a long course, and has to be done with a "twin" (study partner - you are responsible for getting each other through the course). All I can say is that one of the books is called "The new Grammar" - and I can say this, because some promo showed a picture with the cover of the book removed - so draw your own conclusions. (As an amusing aside - the Key to Life promo was glitzy - one of the pictures showed a husband and wife fighting, then doing the course, then being all happy.

My ex and I started to twin on this course, and we had so many disagreements that they had to separate us, and twin us each with someone else. It was quite funny, because we went in all happy, and at the end of the course, we were fighting like cat and dog. I don't attribute this to the course, though, there were other things going on). I emerged from this course with an ability to "duplicate" alright - I could duplicate Hubbard's policies with lightening speed.

However, I noticed that my ability to read any other material was definitely lessened. I happened to be studying an additional course through a correspondence University here in South Africa (already had a degree and a post-grad qualification, this was just for interest). When I wrote my exam on this course (Business Economics), I passed with the lowest mark I had ever received in my life - 52%!! I was horrified! (Never had anything below 72% before).

MY MARRIAGE:

Without going into too many details, it is relevant to mention that by this stage my marriage had deteriorated badly. My ex was Clear, trained to Level 0, had become very unhappy in his job. He blamed me for everything that was wrong in his life, and whenever I completed a Scn course, he said I'd made "no case gain" (no spiritual progress). We fought over money - he earned 3 times what I did (he is in the field of electronics engineering, I in the field of tertiary education, which just does not pay as well), yet I was contributing 50% of the living expenses - when I objected, he replied that "you don't reward a down-stat". He had a brief affair with someone. Etc, etc. The point is, I was under extreme emotional stress at this time - and I was disgusted at my own inability to "handle" the marriage. It was at this point, having completed the Key to Life, that I was asked to join staff again - this time on the TTC (Technical Training Corps) to become an auditor. I had finished courses quicker than anyone in Cape town had before - they were all "impressed" at how quickly I picked up "the think". (This rattled my ex as well - the old ego thing). I will describe my experiences on Staff in Part 5.

Part 5

I am at the point where I have finally joined staff, at the Cape Town Foundation Org (means I worked from 7.00 pm to 10.30 pm, Monday to Friday, and Saturdays and Sundays, from 9.00am to 6.00 pm, without pay). I also had a day job, and found this to be a gruelling schedule. During the day, I had a department to run at the University of Cape Town, and was responsible for 30 staff memebers. I also had to run the home (shopping, cooking, etc), and essentially I had no time to myself.

THE TTC (Technical Training Corps):

There are various steps a new staff member has to go through when joining and Org. You have to establish a production record, and you receive training on being a staff memeber. It is called "indoctrination". Never did like that word. I learnt about ethics, and about how in order to stay out of trouble, it was best to be an "up-statistic" (every aspect of working in a Scn org is measured by statistics).

My natural inclination was to resist such rigid control - I hated authoritarianism. BUT, I was there to save the planet, and if this required submitting to an imposed discipline, I would do it. I was given a program of training to becoming an auditor. My statistic was "student points". (Points are allocated according to the amount of material studied), and I was on full time training (7.30pm to 10.00pm). However, I was assigned other tasks, and in order to complete them, I often had to stay on till 11.00pm, sometimes midnight. Then up again, at 5.00 in the morning, to do the work involved in running a home, before going to my day job.

TRAINING:

After I completed the preliminary steps, I was ready to begin training. I had to do the "post-graduate" course of the Key to Life, the Life Orientation course. The materials of this course are confidential, so I won' t go into it. I flew through the course, getting a lot of student points and quickly established myself as an "up-statistic". I was expected to be there at 7.00 pm, sharp, for "roll call" and muster. If I was late, I was sent to Ethics. The fact that I had a responsible day job did not consitute a valid excuse for being late, not did the fact that I had to make supper for my ex and I. Pressure! Something had to take a back seat, and my day job suffered - I was tired and distracted. Add to that, constant fights with my ex - I started getting the "fixed stare" often attributed to Scientologists.

The next course I did was the PRO TRs (Professional TTraining Routines). This teaches you to confront, and to resist responding to anything your pc ( preclear) may say to you in an auditing session. It teaches you not to respond to anyone pushing your "buttons", to ask an auditing question, to get it answered, and to acknowledge it. One of the drills - TR0 - you have to sit for 2 hours and "confront" another person - without twitching, moving, or excessive blinking. You definitely feel stronger after getting through this - able to control things and people. Horribly intoxicating.

Next, was the Upper Indoc TRs (Upper Indoctrination Training Routines). Here you learn to get a person to follow your commands, despite any resistance on their part. For example, you say: "Walk over to that wall. Thank you. Touch that wall. Thank you. Turn around. Thank you. Walk over to that wall..." etc., over and over again. You are trained to issue the commands with Intention (called Tone 40), and if necessary, physical force. I did my drills with a guy who was over 6 feet tall, and very well built - to get him to follow my commands gave me a sense of "Power". Horrible. The rigid schedule, the long hours, the discipline, wore down my ability to analyse what was happening to me. I became irritated by normal life and people, and LIVED for the time when I could go into the Org, impress everyone with how good at it I was, my high student points, etc. The indoctrination was starting to bite, I was starting to enjoy it to a point that I would describe as a sick lust for that "power".

Part 6

All right. My response to OSA's latest attempt to silence me is to continue telling my story - I am exersizing my human right to free will and free speech.

ABSORBED BY THE CULT

I was now totally absorbed by the cult - my whole life was taken up with it, and the only time I had free was Saturday and Sunday evenings. And I found that I could not enjoy normal human activities - such as going to movies, etc. They lacked the intensity that I had become addicted to. After completing the Upper Indoc TRs, I did something called Method One Co-Audit - it is where two people work through a list, looking for words that were not understood in past subjects studied. It is done on the e-meter. I then studied OEC Volume 0 (Organisation Executive Course - there are 7 volumes, this one dealt with being a staff member in a Scientology organisation).

It was at this time that an order came down from the Case Supervisor in Johannesburg that I could not receive my Clear Certainty Rundown (an auditing action to confirm that you are Clear) in South Africa - I had to go to an Advanced Organisation - which meant that I was now looking at R30 000 just for a CCRD! Further, the instruction was that I was not to receive ANY auditing of any kind until I had been to an Advanced Organisation. Never did find out the reason for this.

TURNING ON MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS

This is one of many parts that I am deeply ashamed of. While on Staff, my mother became very ill, and was hospitalized. I RESENTED it, God help me, I resented the intrusion into my cult activities. I wrote up a CSW (Completed Staff Work - a request, in writing, with information and a solution, to a senior) to get time off to visit her. It was denied. I re-wrote it, promising to make up the time off, and it was granted. The time I was allowed off was minimal - an hour a night - to visit her. I visited her out of a sense of obligation - I had no compassion, and she knew it. She recovered, but there was a distance between us after that. I bear a deep guilt about this today - then, I had no guilt. I became distant from my friends, and lost touch with them. I belonged to the Church of Scientology - and my "stellar" performance on their courses made me a favourite of theirs.

LIVING WITH CONTRADICTIONS

By now, I had learnt to accept contradictory facts. Sometimes, though, the contradictions were too much for me. One evening, at roll call, a tape by Hubbard was played. On it, he spoke of how he had met Hendrick Verwoed (Hendrick Verwoed was one of the founding fathers of Apartheid in South Africa - he created the system of "Bantu" education, designed to give Black South Africans an inferior education so that they would be forced to seek employment as unskilled labourers - an unspeakably evil system that still has effects to this day).

Hubbard said that Verwoed was "a great guy". The dissonance jarred me deeply. I asked that they stop the tape, and re-play that part - I wanted to be sure I heard correctly. I did. Unfortunately, I don't have the reference of the tape - all I remember is that it was part of the Organisation Executive Course (probably being edited out by the Church now, as I write!). I stood there with my jaw hanging - "How can that be???", I asked my fellow staff members. Here we were, supposed to be saving the Planet, freeing people from their "reactive" minds - and here was our leader, saying that one of the most suppressive people in our country was "A GREAT GUY"????

The other staff members just shrugged it off, saying Hubbard must have had his reasons. I couldn't. I kept my disagreement to myself after my initial outburst - didn't want to have to go through "False Data Stripping" (a process whereby any disagreement with Hubbard or Scientology is handled to the point that the disagreement is nullified).

SO WHY STAY IN THE CULT? Is the question you must be asking. Here was something that struck against the very core of me - it struck at that which I had spent my whole life fighting, at that which I considered to be utterly evil - racism. Yet I stayed on in the cult. Why? WHY?? I have been beating myself up over this one - because I DON'T KNOW why I did not walk out at that point. This frightens the hell out of me. What more reason did I need to see through the cult? Yet I stayed. Would I have stayed if I had found out that Hubbard was a mass murderer too? Jesus, I DON'T KNOW!!! What had happened to me?????

Part 7

THE "DARLING" OF THE CULT

I continued with my auditor training - from Level 0 to Level 1. I learnt how to audit people, and I spent a lot of time auditing. I always had excellent results on my pcs : in metered sessions, I got a lot of TA motion (Tone arm motion - a measurement on the meter of how much "charge" is gotten off the person) - I always got "Very Well Done" grades on my sessions and (guilt!) some people joined staff, and even the Sea Org (when Johannesburg came down to recruit), after I had audited. I never ONCE made an error with my auditing. So, my sessions kept people "winning" and as a result, endeared them to the cult.

GUILT!

I have SO much guilt over this - then, I enjoyed the "power" of being able to run sessions so well, of having vulnerable people get deeper into Scientology because they got "wins" from my application of Hubbard's auditing technology. This is not easy for me to admit publically - but by sharing those parts of me that I am deeply ashamed of, I am aiming to help people understand how human failings DO play their part in this cult - the cult would not be able to continue as it is without these human failings to exploit.

A LUCKY ESCAPE

At this stage, a recruitment team came to Cape Town, from Flag. They took one look at me, at the results on my pcs, even though I was only auditing the lower levels, and they decided they wanted me, and wanted me BAD. They put the pressure on - to join the Sea Org at Flag and do the Class 8 Auditor Training program. I was so far gone, I wanted it too - more than anything I had ever wanted. Ironically, it was another human failing that saved me - (grin) my ex- husband's ego! He just could not STAND the thought that I would "progress" in Scientology way ahead of him. He was already having great difficulty in dealing with my "success" at the local Org, this was just the end for him! Not that he would have minded going to the States, or joining the Sea Org, but he was PEEVED that they didn't offer it to him. He said that if I went, he would divorce me, and make things VERY difficult for me financially. I still loved him, even though our marriage was such a monumental failure - I was not prepared to give up on the marriage yet. And so I resisted the VERY professional pressure that Flag put on me to join.

LEAVING STAFF

The pressure I was under, the long hours, the discipline, the adverse effect on my day job, my buried disagreeements slowly began to take their toll - something deep, deep inside of me was beginning to revolt at being on staff. I was like a shooting star that burnt out - because despite my success on staff, the SPIRITUAL side of me had virtually died. The reason I joined staff - to help people - had been perverted into a fast-paced intensity of stats, power-hunger, ego- stroking - in fact it had very little to do with my concept of help. I had lost my ability to love and care (dirty words in Scientology vocabulary), I lost my self-determinism, my ability to be analytical - and I had become hard, cold, manipulative, charming, forceful, aggressive, cruel and very, very impatient with slowness.

My marriage was in tatters, and I had treated my family and friends abominably. Something deep, deep inside of me cried out - ENOUGH !!!!!! And so, I routed off staff. They couldn't give me a security check, because of the order that I could have no auditing (by the way, the Jhb Case Supervisor, D. K. is now in the RPF - Rehabilitation Project Force - I am VERY upset about this), and so they couldn't stop me from leaving.

The Cape Town Case Supervisor, J., who had been on staff for 6 years before I joined, and was my senior, was shocked that I wanted to leave. She wanted to know why - basically I told her that the spiritual side of me was dying. She was affected in a MAJOR way by this, and left 2 weeks after I did. She cited my leaving as the reason for her leaving. I was hit with a Freeloader Bill of R9500 for the courses I had studied. Like an idiot, I took a loan out from the Bank, because I still wanted to continue with Scientology. I had also taken out another loan, while on staff, of R5600 for a life-time membership to the International Association of Scientologists. This was a result of an aggressive money-raising campaign by the IAS to combat the "suppression" of Scientology in Germany. The debts were getting deeper and deeper.

Part 8

After leaving staff, I was very difficult to live with. I took a break from Scientology, but could not settle into normal life. I was irritable and aggressive, felt empty and purposeless. The intesity was gone, and normal human life irritated and bored me. My ex was much nicer to me - he was pleased that I had stepped out of the "lime-light" - now HE could get some attention, and ironically, our marriage improved a while. But, I was restless.

BEING "PUBLIC" AGAIN

I missed the Org, and Scientology, and so I signed up for two more courses - the PTS/SP course and Level 2 Auditor Training. (Cost: R3000, and a further loan from the Bank). I went back onto course, and everything felt "right" again. The PTS/SP (Potential Trouble Source/ Suppressive Person) course deals with Suppression, and vulnerability to Suppression. It teaches the Scientologist how to "handle" any criticism of Scientology or Hubbard, and includes the policy on "How to handle Black PR" (Black propoganda is assumed to be any criticism of Scientology).

This is a very, very interesting course, and VERY revealing as to how the cult responds to criticism. Of course, there are deeper levels, and I have seen these (won't say how or who) - deadly stuff, if used correctly. I started my Level 2 course, and was almost finished, when something happened that altered my life dramatically.

THE END OF MY MARRIAGE:

It was December 1993, when my ex was offered a job in Johannesburg. Much more money, and closer to a much bigger Org. He accepted it, and at the end of January, 1994, he left. Just like that. He told everyone up there (I only found this out fairly recently) that I hadn't gone with him, because I didn't love him anymore. In fact, I hadn't joined him, because I didn't have time to find a job up there, and I knew that he would NEVER support me financially while I was looking. I had all these debts, and I couldn't just stop working.

So, I stayed on in Cape Town, but started to look for employment in Johannesburg - not knowing, at this stage, what he had told everyone. By June, 1994, I had negotiated a job, and he flew down to discuss the logistics of moving. It soon became apparent that he did not want me to join him. I later found out that if I did, it would ruin the new "image" he had built up for himself in the Scientology community - the image that people had seen through in Cape Town. After some predictable and protracted fights, we agreed to divorce. He didn't want to do it - didn't have time, he said, so I instituted proceedings, and the divorce went through, uncontested, in August 1994. He will NEVER be called to book for his actions within the Church of Scientology, by the way - their so-called "justice" system is flawed - because he makes (and gives them) a lot of money, they will never make him answer for any of this. So much for their "justice".

DISCOVERING ALT.RELIGION.SCIENTOLOGY

It was in August that I discovered a.r.s. I had been cyber-surfing for months before, and stumbled on it by accident. I was fascinated, amazed at how much people dared to say. I lurked for quite a while, and then "boldly" started posting a few articles - on racism, sexism - and a few minor disagreements that I had had. OSA Africa phoned me shortly after that, and read back some of my articles to me. I received quite a shock, I did not realise that they were aware of the board. OSA Africa, by the way, does not have a connection to the Internet, yet, so OSA International must have informed them.

MY "HANDLING"

Someone flew down from the Sea Org, in Johannesburg on a mission. Part of the mission was to "handle" me. C did an "ethics" handling on me. Something in me rebelled at the objection of the Church to my postings, and I posted my annoyance to the net. Remember, although I had posted a few critical articles, I had not, within myself, made a break from Scientology. My criticism stemmed from the contradictions - the racism isssue, many others, and the fact that my ex-husband had behaved in a way that I couldn't reconcile with him being "Clear."

After I had posted my annoyance to the net, i.e had disobeyed their order to "shut up" they, sent in the heavies. Now I KNOW everyone wants to know about this part the most. I would ask everyone now, to please respect my right to privacy on this one - there is a very, very good reason that I don't post this - in that it enters the arena of legal action - I am not going to sue, but I would like to have it as a trump card if ever the harassment gets too much. Please respect this right, and accept that it may be my only defence against them if the need arises. It is sufficient to day that my "handling" was co- ercive in nature, and that it succeeded in "snapping" me back into the mind-set of a Scientologist. Which upset a great number of the a.r.s. community.

Part 9

BEING A SCIENTOLOGIST ON A.R.S

And so, I started posting as a Scientologist to a.r.s. I received private communications from a few Scientologists who lurk here - "Welcome back to the Theta world" type of thing - there weren't many - about 5, after the infamous "Doubt announcement" posting. I was not allowed to join the Scientologist forum, "Theta-L" until I had worked my way up into a condition of "Normal" (this would take QUITE a while). And that's when they made their first mistake. Because at that stage, I was totally committed to being a Scientologist. They denied me communication, as a punishment, I suppose, but they did NOT realise how much communication I was receiving in private from the members of a.r.s - "Delete all entheta mail" they said - but how could I delete messages which showed nothing but care and concern? To me, those messages were NOT entheta, and so I read them, each and every one.

To all of those who wrote to me then, I say THANK YOU - your strongest weapon was the fact that you CARED, you genuinely CARED, and that reached deep, deep in, below all the mind-control, and touched me. It played a MAJOR role in helping me finally break with the Church.

A NOTE ABOUT DENNIS AND I Most of you will remember the fracas between Dennis Erlich and I, when he posted my private e-mail. He took MAJOR heat over that, and I feel it necessary to explain my part in it. When I first arrived on a.r.s., I befriended him in private, and we became good friends. Then, when I suddenly turned, I stopped communicating with him. He became convinced that I was an OSA operative, and thought I had been all along - I DON'T BLAME him - when you have been in as deep into the Church as he has, when you have been betrayed by double-double- counter agents as many times as he has, what else could he think? In fact, and THIS is the REAL danger of mind-control - NO-ONE instructed me to go for Dennis, I decided, from my Scientology mind- set, that Dennis was to be attacked, because he has been declared a Suppressive person.

And now I am going to open up and expose a part of myself that I am DEEPLY, deeply ashamed of. I had seen the hopelessly incompetent attempts of the Scientologists to try and "handle" a.r.s. - embarressingly stupid. Brian Wenger's posting of Dennis's files onto the net was just IDIOTIC. All that did was disgust everyone. So, I saw what was needed and wanted - "handle" a.r.s - start by exposing Dennis Erlich as a Suppressive. But let him do it HIMSELF. So, I provoked Dennis. I manoevred him into a position where he had no choice but to attack me (CRINGE - I knew he cared enough to do it, if he didn't care, he would have left it, because he's no fool, he knew EXACTLY what I was doing - I USED his care for me against him!!) He also knew, that I was a bit brighter than most of the Scientologists here, and he knew that I was dangerous - he tried to warn others, and with good reason - because I knew what I was going to do next to handle a.r.s. - go for the sharp ones, individually - Martin had quite a tussle with me, in private, but I backed off. I couldn't coninue with it, it sickened me.

And so Dennis went for me. Only he and I knew what was really going on. He got flamed. My strategy was a success. It turned many people (not all, some saw through it) against him. How were you all to know what you were dealing with??? THIS is the deviousness that mind- control creates. I am really, really sorry everyone. If you feel disgust for me, I understand. I feel utter disgust for myself, that I sunk to such depths. And that I was so good at it. No, I still don't think publishing private e-mail without the person's permission is acceptable. But in this one instance, it was all Dennis could do. Dennis and I are friends again. We have made up, he has forgiven me. He understands. I am still ashamed of it, I still have to work through my guilt.

Part 10

So, I had gained the admiration of some of the Scientologists on the net with my "success" in "exposing" Dennis. They are divided on the a.r.s issue - some feel that a.r.s are just a "bunch of misfits" and that Scientologists should NOT post to a.r.s., and give the "SPs" a "game" - they think that if there are no Scientologists posting, you'll all get bored and just go away. Hah! Others feel that something should be done to handle a.r.s., and those were the ones who were very, very impressed by my "handling" of Dennis. Ironically, (and here comes ANOTHER contradiction), they all felt that I had done MAJOR damage to the Church with my first few "critical" postings. Yet, they consider a.r.s not important!

If they respond to my public confession at all, it will probably be to quote "The code of a Scientologist", and say that my "handling" of Dennis was a violation of this code, and therefore I was not acting as a Scientologist should. Hah! That is double-think, and a classic way that they set people up to take the fall for something, while denying any part in it themselves. An old strategy. No, I was acting EXACTLY as a Scientologist should, when dealing with a "Suppressive".

THE FINAL BREAK FROM THE CULT

The episode with Dennis shocked me - at what I was capable of. It resulted in me splitting into TWO DISTINCT personalitites - the real me, and the "Scientologist" me. I was still waiting for the famed Security Check that I had agreed to go in for when I first "re- converted". I went through one of the most intense inner struggles that I have EVER been through, and I became impatient for the Security Check and Clearance, which would enable me to go back into Scientology. I knew that the "Scientology" me was losing the battle. And this is the second mistake the Church made. If they had got me in for my Sec Check, at this stage, I would have been lost forever. It was THAT close.

Fortunately for me, and many others, their own incompetence and slowness delayed the Security Check. In the meantime, while continuing to read a.r.s., I saw the affidavits, and then the exposure of Scientology infiltration into our new government here in South Africa by a South African newspaper. Well do I know that WISE is a front group for Scientology. This, combined with the hundreds of private communications I continued to receive from concerned members on a.r.s, who would not give up on me, and my deep guilt over what had happened with Dennis, and what I nearly did to Martin (and others) in private - all cumulatively led to the TRUE me winning. Deep, deep inside, I made the break. I posted to a.r.s for the first time in ages, in response to the article on South Africa. This brought in several stern reprimands from Scientologists on the net. I had been ordered NOT to read a.r.s anymore. I ignored them. I continued posting, and the ME, the REAL ME came flooding back, with FORCE. My cult persona was finally dead! I was BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! FREEDOM!!!

I have been REVELLING in my freedom to communicate again, and since I started posting the "my story" series, I have been FLOODED with communications from around the world. OSA must have panicked, realising that they had bungled over the Sec Check, because their last, most subtle attempt to silence me, using my dear friend H to get me back, was the most deadly on their part. That was the true test for me. In breaking with her, I have broken my last link to them, forever! It hurt like bloody hell, but I had seen enough to know. I can never trust her again, she is answerable to Flag by virtue of being an OT8, and I know she will lie to me, or trick me, if it is necessary.

I WILL BE ATTACKED SOON They will probably declare me a Suppressive person, in my absence, and not inform me. Now that they have realised that I am not going back, that I will NEVER go back, they will haul out their tired old "How to handle Black PR" policy - and they will try to discredit me, ruin my reputation, expose my "overts", and if this fails...well, THAT will be interesting, because, per the policy, "ONLY COUNTERATTACK handles" - so I am prepared for some very real attacks on me now. Open attacks, covert attacks - I am in for it, I know. For daring to speak out. For daring to depart Scientology publically.

I have set up an elaborate system whereby if anything happens to me, you will all be informed of it. Newspapers will be informed of it. Several agencies will be informed of it. And everyone will be informed of many other things too. So, OSA, if you DO resort to covert means, the end result will be VERY embarressing to you. I would advise you to leave me alone.

The personal part of my story is now told. The telling of my story has been like a confession, and exorcism - and I didn't have to pay for it!! It has helped me finish with the Church of Scientology, and the massive feedback I have had tells me it has helped many other people as well - which is wonderful.

The support I have had has been nothing short of ASTOUNDING - I thank you all for your encredible caring, support and love. I love you too! WHERE TO NOW? I have to finish healing, personally, on my own now. In a few days, I am going to take a holiday - mountains, sea (it is summer here!), forests, old friends, art, music, good times!

I am going to reclaim my life for ME before I consider what I will do next. I am not the type of person that can just forget an evil, and go on with my life - so I will be back next year. The CoS will no longer dominate my life, but I WILL give a portion of it to opposing this evil - and focus the rest of my energies on being creative - on working towards constructive goals, so badly needed here in South Africa.

AND FINALLY... Personally, I have not decided on my own spiritual future. When I do, when I am ready, it will be by CHOICE - I can be a sceptic, a buddhist, a freezoner, a Christian - who knows? I have reclaimed the right to DECIDE for myself!

And that is my story. Thank you all for listening. I love you!
Kim Baker

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