Alanzo's Story

March 6th, 1981.

My story begins in an L-shaped room on Green Street in Champaign, IL. It was an L-shaped room because it was the corner of a hallway in an old house on campus that had been cut up into student apartments. It was literally a corner with a door on it. Inside the door was a place to hang my clothes. At the corner was a desk with a little refrigerator underneath. And around the corner was my bed, with a table hanging over, and a 13 inch black and white TV on top, with foil on the antennae for improved reception.

I told my friends that I did not want to be disturbed, that I was going in alone, and that I would not be coming out for the rest of the night, so don't call and don't come over.I sat in my little room on my bed, anticipating my newest quest: I had just taken two hits of Microdot, a form of LSD, that came in little round pellets.

My mission was to take this acid and write down everything I thought. In this way, moving from one state of consciousness to another, I felt that I might catch a common denominator between the two, and thus distill a little bit of truth out of my existence.

This post is taken verbatim from my handwritten notes at the time.

"5:55pm. Walter Cronkite is just about to come back from a commercial break and say he is retiring, and I just took two hits of acid.'

"Walter said that this 'passing of the baton' is just him giving up his seat to another man. Nothing will change. Old anchormen don't fade away, they just keep coming back for more.'

"6:69pm. The back of my throat and my cheeks are beginning to feel 'anxious'. It almost feels like the roof of my mouth and the back of my neck wants to yawn and rid itself of the tension. It's not an unpleasant tension, it's almost an anticipatory tension that I don't want to be relieved. My spine seems like it's 'coming alive'. (I'm starting to note it in my sensory field)'

"7:00pm. I am getting tingles and shivers. My lips and tongue feel a little like I'm licking the top of a battery. I feel tense - but when I move, I'm reminded that I'm not. I'm farting quite a bit, too. The tension I feel can be described as the tension felt right before orgasm - without the intense pleasure sensation. (This is because of the lack of all the pleasure nerves in the other parts of the body that exist in the genitals.)'

"7:20pm. The anxiety and tension I feel is not so pleasant right now. I feel a little nauseous and I can tell my digestive system is working extensively. It is only through movements of various parts of my body that relieves this constant tension. So I'm rocking and tapping my feet a lot as I write. '

"7:28pm. I just had a bowel movement and that relieved my nausea a little bit, but I am aware that my digestive system is working. It feels out of balance.'

"Everything is in my sensory field right now. I am constantly moving around and fidgeting. It's hard to even complete a thought on this piece of paper because it takes so long to write. Yes, I'm moving around quite a bit as I sit. The TV can be very annoying at times.'

"7:39pm. I can not stop jerking or moving my legs. I can stop when I want to but I want to keep them moving. There is no doubt that this drug is working on my spine and lower brain. Same sensations as before. The sensation is like right before orgasm with no tension release. Nerve Gas!'

"7:42pm. The high inaudible scream that TVs emit is quite evident now. I also hear a reverberating tone coming from my TV. When I switch channels it goes away.'

"7:48pm. The nausea is gone now and I'm smiling a lot. The only smell I can smell is like either a skunk or a sour body odor. My spine feels quite good. The paper is breathing. Those things directly in my concentration are clear but those outside are furry and glowing and breathing. I can see flashes of color on this page.'

"7:58pm. I feel good right now though not "satisfied". Visual hallucinations. The shadows intensify in their shades and contrasts. At the borders. Where everything exists. I can immerse myself in anything I want. Tapping on a lamp or watching shadows breathe, etc. Shivers. Sensual.'

"8:34pm. I haven't noticed the the TV in quite a while. Boss Hogg is on. The Dukes of Hazzard. So many thoughts are whirling around it seems. I can't catch one and put it here. I am sweating. '

"9:10pm. Lights and shades are changing always.'

"12:49am. I'm done now, I think. I feel as if all the world was taken away, real quick, and in that void I looked around and saw how everything really was/is. Nothing matters. We are creatures of the senses. We see things of a sensual and erotic nature all around us every day. Whatever will fill up the senses is what we're looking for. Loud Rock-n-Roll. Pornography. What I have found though is that writing this down is telling another what I have experienced. All that matters is that I find someone to tell these things to. I need somebody to love. Love is the only thing that matters."

OK. That's it.

That was my first attempt at the scientific discovery of my existence.

I went in, alone, and this is what I came out with. It would not be the first time that a quest like this would come up short of what you had hoped for. But the scientific research of existence is a hit and miss kind of thing, isn't it?

My quest would take me from Champaign, IL, to Cairo, Egypt, to Jerusalem, the Sinai Desert, to Athens, to Casablanca, and back to Champaign. And then, finally to a mission, on John Street, and down into a dank basement.... with a Dianetics book in my hand.

The Champaign Mission was in the basement of a house that had been converted into businesses on the edge of downtown. Through a screen door, you descended a flight of stairs that turned into a small, dank room with a used green couch, a beat up desk, and some bookcases. I later learned that the couch was Div 6. The desk was Div 7, and the bookcase was Div 2.

Connie stood at the bottom of the stairs and greeted me. I stood there with a Dianetics book in my hand, breathing heavily. I had just ridden over on my bike, once I had gotten the courage to go in, and I'm pretty sure I had an determined, almost driven, look on my face.

I looked at her intently and said, "This is the most fascinating book I've ever read, but I'm not going to join any fucking cult."

She laughed.

This was probably the best response I could have gotten. Had she been insulted, scared, angry, or even confused, I would have turned around and walked out. But she laughed. So I stayed.

We talked for at least two hours, which was perfect. There was no one else in the mission. The phone did not ring, no one else bothered us. It was exactly what I needed: to talk to somebody about my life and my problems. We talked about my dad and how much we fought. I told her about my ex-girlfriend and even how lonely I was. I said that I believed in past lives and I asked her:

"Do Scientologists believe in God?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because I believe in God. And I believe that you can have a direct connection with God without the need for Priests, or Ministers or anything else."

Having checked my answer in order to decide how to respond appropriately, Connie said, "Of Course Scientologists believe in God!" She took me over to show me the Creed of the Church of Scientology, which had GOD written all over it. She told me about the 8th Dynamic which was how Scientologists referred to God, she said. Then we talked about Ron, and what a great writer and world traveler he was. A barnstorming pilot, etc.

I told her that I was a world traveler, too - I had returned from a 14 month trip overseas, backpacking through Egypt, Israel, Greece and Morocco. Her eyes were wide, "Wow!" she said. She seemed fascinated with me and in my stories, beliefs, and experiences. She made me feel like I was one of the smartest, most interesting people in the world. Then she tried to sell me a Self Analysis book.

I said I didn't have any money and she backed off.

I left that day with a lot of hope. I was supposed to come back and listen to a tape.

I was a very depressed kid in my early 20's at the time, sick of my life and sick of all the hypocrisy and materialism I saw in the world. Martin Luther King had been assassinated when I was 8 years old. I could never figure out who could ever do such a thing, and what kind of a world did we live in if that's how we are going to act. I got the impression that some day, through Dianetics, I may be able to understand that, and everything else, too.

For some reason Connie was very interested in the kinds of drugs I had taken, and was very detailed in her questions about them. I told her everything, and that I was sick of drugs, and had read in Carlos Castenada how the shaman Don Juan had only used drugs on him in the beginning to get him to "stop the world" so that he could see what he needed to see later on.

Connie said that if I truly wanted to have a better connection with God, then I could probably have a lot better one if I was not doing drugs. That seemed to make a lot of sense to me.

I went home, did a bong, and thought about it.

I started my first course in Scientology on July 4th, 1984. My abysmal OCA results, and the conversations I had with Connie, provided the ironclad scientific proof necessary to determine that I was PTS. So I purchased the Ups and Downs in Life Course and started immediately.

I come from an upper-middle class white family. My father and I were constantly fighting, even since I was a little boy. While working on the furnace in the basement, he would always have me hold the flashlight, and I would never do it right. And so I would throw the flashlight down and storm off. Or he would come in to help me put a kite together because I wasn't doing it right, and he often broke the wooden parts of the kite. I would blow up and storm off.

And now, since I was a good-for-nothing college drop out, working as a janitor at a bank and partying like an alley cat, we were fighting pretty regularly.

In the early 1980's, the Ups and Downs in Life Course had handlings at the end of it. To graduate, a student had to apply what he had learned on the course to whoever came up on it. My handling was to go home to my parent's house for the weekend and NOT get into a fight with my dad. They had drilled me on bullbait, flattened buttons on me, etc. It was a lot of work from a lot of staff for $50 (the cost of the course back then)

It was a typical Friday for me. I had been out at the bars all night and I snuck in at about 2:30am. Everyone was asleep. Excellent.

I turned on the TV in the kitchen and opened the refrigerator: One of my mom's famous meatloafs displayed herself right back at me. As I took it out and placed it on the counter, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and a throat clearing that sent the alarm waves out that my father was approaching.

Shit! I'm fucked up as hell and I have to apply my Scientology course to my dad now! Oh God. Not now! I'm starting to get a stomach ache. I went over the things in my mind I needed to apply: Grant Beingness, no evaluation or invalidation, don't take up any entheta...OK.

There he is. I cut a slice of meat loaf and put the rest away in the refrigerator, being careful to re-cover it like I'm supposed to. My dad sits down at the kitchen table and starts watching TV.

My father was born in the South in the 1920's. He lived in Birmingham, Alabama when Martin Luther King first began the civil rights movement there. My father was a staunch Reagan Man. I was a member of the Communist Party.

I say hello and sit down with him.

I dig into the meat loaf. It was sooo good. Plus, it gave me something to do instead of having to talk to him. There was some kind of news show on TV. A documentary or something. I could not believe it at the time, but it just so happened to be a documentary on the Civil rights movement, and yep, there's a picture of Martin Luther King on the screen.

My father looked at me. "There's that nigger." he said.

I looked down at my plate and took the next big bite of my meatloaf.

"I said...There's that NIGGER!"

My head was starting to hurt now, along with my stomach. I looked up.

"Have you tried this meatloaf? It's excellent."

"Yes I have. It is good.... Where were you, tonight?"

"Went down to JJ's Saloon, saw Brad and Kelly."

"Partyin' again?"

"Yes. I had a good time. Jimmy Kerrick says hi."

"Oh. He's an all right kid."

"Yeah, he is."

Then, my dad got up from the table and went back upstairs to bed.

I dropped my fork. I couldn't believe that I had made it through that! My stomach hurt and my head was splitting, but I had successfully gotten through something I never was able to do before.

There was a phone in my old bedroom that had a broken ringer. For years, I had always listened to the phone in the other room to tell when someone was calling, and I have no idea why, but the next morning I got up to see if I could fix it.

I had shut the door to be able to work in peace. My dad was home and I was avoiding him to make sure that my "win" from the night earlier lasted.

I got out a philips screw driver and took the cover off the phone. I could NOT believe it - as soon as I had done this, he came into my room.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm fixing my phone."

"Here, let me see that." He literally grabbed the screwdriver out of my hand.

I looked at him.

Then I looked down at the phone and said, "It's that wire right there. It needs to go over underneath that screw." He tried to pull it over. I said, "Here. I'll hold it and you screw it in."

He did.

"Call Mr. Boeh and have him call us to see if it worked."

I did, and when Mr. Boeh called back, my phone rang. I jumped for joy.

My dad was looking at me. "What's that course you're doing?"


"It's good. I think it's good for you." Then he walked out.

I collapsed on my bed. I HAD JUST FIXED A PHONE WITH MY DAD!

This was a miracle. This was something that was really really bothering me - my relationship with my father - and I applied Scientology and it worked!

I cried for two hours.

My next course was the HQS Course.

Now, this HQS course was not the one they deliver today. The HQS course I took had TRs, Upper Indoc TRs, and you co-audited most of the Objectives on it. It had Self Analysis lists and student hatting. It was $500. I was so blown out from my Ups and Downs in Life Course, I was easily convinced to take out a loan to buy it.

For this course, I needed a twin. When I showed up for my first day, he was there. He was a kid my age, a star gymnast, it turned out, on the U of I gymnastics team, Charles Lakes.

Charles had read Dianetics and had actually audited someone else. I was very impressed by this. Connie said that he was a very good auditor. I immediately felt the need to finish the Dianetics book and audit someone else, too, just to make sure that I was not lagging. And anyway, if Charles was a good auditor, I was going to be an even better one.

We were perfect twins for each other. Charles was from Southern California, and was one of the first black gymnasts in the country. He NOT a straight-arrow jock by any means. We both believed that Scientology was the most vital thing in our lives. We had many very similar viewpoints and interests.

The course took us 9 months to get through. At the end of it, I was a Scientologist. And Charles was one of my best friends. I had quit smoking pot, and all drugs, and had stopped partying so much. I had gotten another job as a salesman and was making more money. I was much more stable and in control of my life. I was a lot happier.

But before I had fully completed the HQS course, I was told that I needed to have some auditing on the cans. I was told that I needed a "Life Repair" and that could only be delivered by the mission in Peoria, IL because they had 3 very highly trained auditors there, George Seidler, his son, Andy and Andy's wife, Cyndi.

The mission in Peoria was much bigger than the mission in Champaign. The Peoria mission was in a 6,000 square foot storefront on Main street. It had a huge bookstore, a huge courseroom, a full qual area, 10 auditing rooms, an examiner's booth, HCO, Executive offices, and even a sauna in the back.

George Seidler was the Mission Holder. He was, at that time, a "New OT 7" and a Class 8 auditor. George's office walls were filled with all his certificates in Scientology. In my first meeting with him, I gazed at all of them on his wall. The first Cert I saw was "Hubbard Dianetic Auditor" dated June of 1950, signed by L. Ron Hubbard. George had, in fact, been one of the first auditors on the planet, had worked directly with Ron in the early days, and had been running this mission in Peoria, IL since 1954.

Another cert on his wall was "CLEARED THETA CLEAR". I had just read "A History of Man" recently, as well as "Scientology 8-80".

I was in awe.

George is a short man, a little shorter than me, even. At that time he was in his late fifties and gray. He always had a smile on his face, with his eyes half closed. He looked like Yoda.

Andy, his son, was also a Class 8 auditor and C/S. He'd been in Scientology since the late 1960's, having grown up in Scientology. Andy was a great guy, always happy, always laughing. Always helping. Cyndi, Andy's wife, was from LA. She was a Class 6 auditor. She was very sweet. They were all the most helpful and the most welcoming people I had ever met.

These were the people who were going to do my Life Repair.

I was beginning to get the idea that Scientology was the way out for me. I had begun to feel that my life was going absolutely nowhere, as, up to that time, I had been living it mostly from the top of a bar stool. My prospects for life were looking very thin to me, and I was not happy with the way things were going. In fact, I was very very depressed.

When I look back on it now, from this perspective, I can say that Scientology saved my life. And these people - Connie, Charles, George, Andy, Cyndi and others, saved it.

Or else, I let them save it.

Scientologists in the Midwest are very few and far between.

Even though the Champaign Mission had probably 20,000 names in their central files, they were mostly names of college students who had temporarily lived in the area and moved away when they graduated. And yet L Ron Hubbard's "GROSS INCOME, SENIOR DATUM" said that it was the number of names in central files, and the number of letters and mailings sent to those names that DETERMINED the gross income of an org. So Cary Goulston, the CO SMI EUS would SCREAM on the phone to get the Mission Holder and staff to send mailings EVERY WEEK to their central files. When all the thousands of returns would come back, he would just SCREAM for more. Because Gross Income Senior Datum said what it said.

A later mission holder would be Comm Eved for burning the Champaign Mission's central files. I've spoken to him about it since, and I believe that it was probably the most sensible thing that could have been done. He had to go down for it. But at least he spared the future staff of all that Gross Income going down the toity from applying L Ron Hubbard's GROSS INCOME SENIOR DATUM.

When I was on course at the Champaign Mission in the mid-1980's, there were two part time staff there - Connie Penner, the Mission Holder, and Zach Widip, the auditor/course supervisor. In the year or so that I was a regular public there, I met probably 10 other people who would self-identify as a Scientologist.

Because there are so few Scientologists in the Midwest, they have a lot to live up to if they are ever going to get any new people. They have to live up to Midwestern ideals and standards: They can't ever be arrogant or elitist, they can't charge a lot of money, they can't be too intrusive into others' lives, and they have to believe reasonable things - not whacked-out wierdo shit - ever. So you can see why Scientology has a hard time in the Midwestern United States.

As a result, missions had to be pretty reasonable places on the plains of Illinois in the 1980's if they were ever going to get and keep anybody. And for a kid like me, who needed more discipline and a greater purpose, and fewer drugs and less alcohol, they were a haven for the new life I was creating for my self.

I was on the Quad one day and the U of I and I looked over and saw Connie Penner, the sweetest woman ever, standing there by herself, handing out fliers to a passing stream of students. Her TRs were IN, and she handed each flyer out to each individual thetan with INTENTION. She got about 1 in 5 people to take one. A few, about 1 in 40, would tell her to "fuck off".

As I stood there, I saw that she cared a lot for these people. Why else would she be doing this? I walked up to her and said hello. She was glad to see me: She finally had an excuse to pack up and leave. Connie was an OT 3, the only one in Champaign at the time, and she would frequently talk to me about being an OT 3. I was very impressed by it. As we were walking away, she looked at the kids in the Quad and said "After what's been done to these people, they deserve something better. I won't stop until they get it."

She was completely sincere. I couldn't really figure out what she meant by "what had been done to these people" but I knew it was bad because Connie had told me so, and she was OT 3.

I began to think that my life would be better if I had a purpose, too. I had audited a lot of people on my HQS course and it really seemed to help them. This gave me a huge kick. And it had made me much less nasty and selfish. Sardonic satire was no longer my favorite sense of humor. I enjoyed optimistic themes in movies. I was even starting to admire Ronald Reagan.

Deep down I had always believed that I was a secret genius, and that maybe this was what I was always meant to do - to save the world. As if some higher voice was leading me to it, I began to think that maybe Scientology was the way I was always supposed to fulfill this glorious destiny of mine. After all, Ron had said that Auditors were thetans who had lately arrived on the planet, and because they were less degraded than others who had been here longer than they had, they were more aware. Maybe Ron was describing me. Maybe Scientologists were my True Group of Secret Geniuses.

I made a decision that day that the Bridge to Total Freedom would be the new stable datum in my life. And going up it, and helping others to go up it, would be my life's central purpose.

I signed a 2.5 year contract with the Champaign Mission. But I couldn't join right away, I had debts and money troubles to handle first. My dad was attacking again, and I was attacking back, and so it had been precisely and scientifically determined that I was PTS Type A. It was thought to be very important to get that handled first. The best place for that was Peoria.

So I went to the Peoria Mission for a "Search & Discovery" and some handlings by George & Andy Seidler - the smiling cornfed Class 8's of the Midwestern Plains.

When I got to Peoria, the first thing they did was route me onto the Introduction to Scientology Ethics Course. To this day, what I learned on this course has helped me more than anything I have ever learned in Scientology.

Scientology taught me a fundamental truth here that I will never forget: If you remain ethical, you will be happy. If you do not remain ethical, you will not. This literally changed my life. I was certainly ripe for the change. But truly, along with the auditing I received - mostly on Overts and Withholds - the world was no longer the same for me.

I encountered my first big overt on Life Repair. Andy and I were in session, and he had uncovered an overt I committed when I was younger. He asked for an earlier, similar overt and I didn't see anything. He asked again, and still nothing was there. He said, "That. What was that?"

I saw a white scarf.

Andy had instantly become the biggest asshole I had ever met. I fucking hated him. I told him that there was nothing there and that he should shut up and just fucking back off.

He laughed. And then, looking down at his meter, he asked again. "What was that?"

"OK, it's a fucking scarf, so what?"

"All right. Tell me more about the scarf...."

The scarf was a little white doily scarf, like the ones you see on the heads of Mennonites, or even Amish women today. There were Indians around. We were in the woods. And these Puritan people were killing Indians and being very unfair to them. Totally hypocritical. I was really, really mad at them.

So I raped the Mayor's wife. And they castrated me and let me bleed to death in the stocks in the middle of the town square.

After running this incident, which had a LOT of charge, my eyes were WIDE. I felt horrible for having talked to Andy the way I did. He just laughed and said it was okay, a normal thing when you are being asked to confront something like that.

After that session, I was changed even more. I drove back home in a daze from Peoria that night and went to the local bar. (It was a Friday Night, after all) I sat down next to a childhood friend, ordered a beer, turned to him and said, "I raped the Puritan Mayor's wife in the 1600's and they castrated me and let me bleed to death in the town square."

He stood, picked up his beer, and walked away.

I didn't really even notice. I was still thinking about it, playing it over and over in my mind. It seemed very real to me. More real than the bar I was in. And it made so much sense, emotionally, to me and to the inner attitudes I'd lived with inside all my life.

More and more of my old friends would walk away from me, just like that, over the next few months.

It was the time when the first big national TV advertising was going on for Dianetics. I had a Honda Civic and I had plastered two Dianetic bumper stickers on the back of it. I had Dianetics books in my car. I was auditing my family, and anyone else who would sit still long enough. I was trying to get all my friends to quit drinking and smoking pot and snorting coke and to do Dianetics instead.

I remember walking into our local bar one afternoon. As I approached the door, I heard laughing and talking, and recognized many of the voices. I saw a lot of my friends cars in the parking lot. When I walked in, the whole place went silent. Nobody looked at me.

You know that feeling you get when you walk into a room and everyone has been talking about you?

Just then, a friend walked in the door behind me and yelled, "Hey! The I just saw the Dianetics Mobile - is Alanzo in here?"

Everyone bust out laughing. They thought that was real funny.

I didn't. I was beginning to think it was unethical to make fun of Dianetics, and of the people who were busting their guts out to Clear Planet Earth.

Even my mother had begun to notice changes in me. We were sitting around the living room with my family one day, and she said, "Look! Look at that!" I looked up and she was pointing at me. Everyone was looking at me. "See that?' she said, "He's smiling!" She was very happy seeing that I wasn't so sullen (and hungover) all the time.

My mother would read Edgar Cayce in the 1960's and other spiritualist writings. She would talk about it a lot when she was drinking. I wanted to get her in and so I told her that I was getting very, very interested in Scientology, spending more and more time there. (I knew this worried her a little because she had heard bad things about it.) So, knowing that she was my mother, and knowing how much she worries, I told her one day "I don't know - I'm your son and I'm getting more and more involved in Scientology. You should probably check it out. It might be a cult."

She was in the next day. She routed onto the Success Through Communications Course. She loved it. She paid for auditing and pretty much became a Scientologist after that. I audited both of my sisters. My nearest sister came in and began taking courses. I even got my dad to come in and take a course. I got my whole family in. The mission loved me.

And things were much much better in my family as a result. We were quite a dysfunctional family, all fighting a lot, never eating together, slinging hurtful declarations at each other. It wasn't just me and my father. I wanted to use Scientology to fix my family. And it was true, after we began to look at Scientology, things got to be pretty good. At Thanksgiving, my sister even made a toast, holding her glass up and saying "I'm thankful for Alanzo, and his bringing Scientology into the family."

Even though I was losing friends left and right, the rest of my life was going much, much better.

When my life repair was almost over, George brought me into his office and told me about a brand new rundown that had just been released - the False Purpose Rundown. He had been trained to deliver it, and he had a special package he wanted me to know about: 2 intensives of the FPRD and a Purification Rundown for $5,000.

This was way more money than I had ever been asked to pay. The Peoria Mission, in those days, was selling Life Repair auditing for $200 per intensive. "Life Repair" delivered by two Class 8's was basically programming the new pc for ANYTHING he needed, whether it was "intro demo and assist auditing" or not.

But this, 5,000 bucks, we were talking some money here. I had no way to get that kind of money.

"Well', George said, "How about your parents?"

"No way. I know I've gotten them interested, way."

"Well, what if you told them about all the drugs you've done? And how the Purification Rundown was going to clean you out from that and help you to start new?"

"WHAT!!??!! Tell them about all the drugs I've done??? Are you crazy???"

George leaned back in his chair, half closed his eyes and his smiled wide. He laughed real big and said, "It's not crazzzzy, Alanzo, it's the ethical thing to do!"

I thought about it. I am a graduate of the Intro to Scientology Ethics Course now. It was the ethical thing to do.

So I sat my parents down at the dining room table, these two people who had grown up in the 20's and 30's in ultra-conservative Alabama and Tennessee, and with as much gory detail as I could bare, I listed off the drugs that I had taken in my partying career:

"Cocaine, LSD, Psilocybin Mushrooms, Marijuana...pounds of marijuana...MDA, Mescaline, Angel Dust, Amphetimines, Valium, etc. etc."

They were both white with horror.

"But there's something I can do. Scientology has a way to clean me out from all that. It's called the Purification Rundown. This, along with this great new auditing thing called the False Purpose Rundown, is only $5,000."

It worked. They bought it. And the next day I went into the Peoria Mission with a $5,000 check from my dad.

George, Andy, and his wife Cyndi, literally JUMPED for joy when I handed it to them. They danced around in a circle and laughed. It caused an instant festival right there in the hallway.

"Wow." I thought. "I've really helped these people. They seem very happy with me."

I started on the Purif the next day.

And within two weeks I had signed a 5 year contract with the Peoria Mission. This also made everyone happy with me. And since I had already begun my money handlings and other handlings there, I could start on staff in Peoria and get right on to my staff statuses and be an expeditor. And when I was done with that, they would send me out to Los Angeles for training to Class 6 auditor!

But first I hd to go back and tell Connie that even though I had signed a contract in Champaign, I was actually going to go on staff in Peoria. When Cyndi was regging me for staff in Peoria, I told her that I had reservations about signing another contract when I had already signed one with Connie. She said that the Champaign Mission has only one auditor, and he's just a Class 4. Here, I would get all my auditing that I just bought and also be able to work on staff! And really, when you think about it, Alanzo, it's the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.

I went back to the Champaign mission and told Connie what I had done. She started crying. She had tried for years to get another staff member, and thought that I was going to be the next one. She and her husband wanted to move to LA, and she was going to need someone to replace her as Mission Holder. She thought it would be me.

"It's the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics, Connie", I said.

She cried even louder.

There was a strange thing about the Peoria Mission.

Here they were in a 6,000 square foot building on Main Street in Peoria, IL, with 2 Class 8 C/Ses and a Class 6 (Andy's wife was a Class 6 auditor), and they were only open Monday thru Friday nights from 7 to 10pm.

Sometimes Andy or George would schedule an auditing session for a pc on a Saturday.

There was one other staff member on contract, Tim Crowley. He was the PES. He came in Monday thru Friday nights. Usually he would come in and then leave to go "pass out promo". Then he'd come back at 10pm and go home.

Very rarely was anyone on course but me. Sometimes Tim's brother Brian would be on course, and Augie, a sweet old black lady who had been in Scientology since the 1970's and who sometimes worked as word clearer.

But that was it.

Now, this mission had been in Peoria, continuously operating, since 1954.

While I was doing my staff statuses, I couldn't help but notice that this was not the ideal scene (even though I didn't really know what an ideal scene was at the time).

I began to believe that these people really needed my help. I was a secret genius after all. And Scientology was my destiny. And we would Clear the Planet. And so there was just no way anything was going to happen except that I was going to BOOM THIS MISSION.

I had read Keeping Scientology Working. I knew that the only reason for downstats was SPs and out tech. But whenever I went into George's office SURE that I had found the NEXT BIG THING that would BOOM the mission, I would leave more confused than ever. It seemed like things were more complicated than I had realized.

There was something here, and I was going to find it. And after I did, then this place was not only going to BOOM, it was going to become an org! Maybe even the first SEA ORG Org in Illinois!!!

But first I had to get through Staff Status Zero....

When I finished my Staff Statuses, it was time for me to go to LA for my training. I had been to Cairo, Athens, Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, even New York City (well, to the airport, at least). But this was LA. This was big. I was excited.

It was a simple plan. I would drive the Dianetics Mobile from Central Illinois to Los Angeles, train up to Class 6 Auditor, and come back. We figured it should take about 6 to 8 months, a year maybe if something went horribly wrong. But nothing would go wrong because I'm a thetan and I can make anything go right.

I took off sometime in 1985, traveling down through New Mexico and Arizona, and into the Southern Californian desert. After three days of traveling, I figured I was getting close when I began to see the orange/purple/brown haze up in the tops of the mountains in the western sky. I had been calling in my coordinates to the Advanced Registrar all along the trip. She was "product officering" me to arrive into the org on time the whole way. Ken Shapiro was the PES of ASHO Day, and he was getting updates from her as he was the thetan over the area. I was really under pressure to arrive. I wanted to do good. I felt part of an OT team that was going to get me trained to Class 6, and fired back to Peoria to boom my mission!

The last day I drove 13 hours straight, and then headed into heavy Friday night Hollywood traffic at the end of that. That was something big to confront for a boy from the cornfields. But I handled it and drove straight to ASHO, totally exhausted. I lumped into a chair in front of Ken Shapiro's desk at 10pm that night.

"WELCOME TO ASHO, ALANZO!" Ken said in his booming, "big being" voice. It took until 10pm to 1am for them to route me through as an arrival. Then, I was finally told to go to the Manor Hotel where I would be staying as part of my work-study program. By 2:30 am, I was taken into a dark room on the 7th floor with sleeping people filling all but 2 holes in three bunk beds. I had been driving since 6am that morning.

I awoke the next morning and looked around the room. Everyone was gone except one other guy. He was turned over asleep against the wall. I heard him walk in after me and collapse into the last hole.

I was in LA! I was in the Manor Hotel, which the Church PR had informed me was the hotel of Bogey and Bacall, and Erroll Flynn and all the rest.

I ruffled through my my duffel bag to find my cigarettes and toothbrush.

When I looked up, the last guy in was glaring at me from his bunk.



"You fucking better be. What's your name?"


"Don't you fucking ever wake me up again, do you hear me?"

I had started to whimper inside a little, because I had never been talked to like that before by anybody, especially not another Scientologist. George and Andy would never raise their voice or even not smile, no matter what you did. This was actually very low-toned communication, I thought. And not very good TR1, either. And who was this guy, anyway?


"Yeah. Sorry"

I walked out the door.

I looked down the hall of the 7th floor of the Manor Hotel, and out the window. There seemed to be a door to access the roof there.

I opened it, and walked out on to a roof overlooking the 101 Freeway with all the rest of Hollywood beneath me.

The morning sun was burning through smog. A grimey dew gathered in splotches in the shaded portions of the roof. There were palm trees and honking horns on Franklin and apartment buildings across the street. I turned around and looked north and there, big as life, was the Hollywood sign, splayed out across the hills of Griffith Park before me. The smells were different here. The light, the dusty palm trees, everything about it was different. I picked my nose and even my boogers seemed different. Kind of greasier in a way. Maybe it was from the smog.

I lit a cigarette and congratulated myself.

I made it.

It was a bright blue Saturday morning in Hollywood.

Last night, after the Day org had routed me in, I was sent to then route into the Foundation Org, as well. That's why it took me over 3 hrs just to route in.

I haven't looked at the Dev-T inherent in having 2 organizations in one building, but when you are a student and you have to do the same thing twice, that's built-in dev-T, isn’t it? I didn't see it as Dev-T, though, because Scientology was the most efficient and enlightened group of beings on the planet. They even created the word for Dev-T, so how could they ever be Dev-T?

I was supposed to route onto course the very next morning at ASHO, so I quickly ate a couple donuts and poured a coffee down my shirt at the 76 Station on Franklin, just before the entrance to the 101 freeway.

I made it through LA traffic to the complex on Sunset Blvd and parked in the parking lot. I couldn't believe all the cars in the parking lot! Most had those S and Double Triangle Scientology symbols on the back. Coming from Peoria, my eyes bugged out. Man! This must be the most sane place on Earth!

As I walked to the sidewalk on what is now called LRH Way, a guy stopped me and handed me a flier for a movie. I took it. He was a staff member from LA Org, his name was Chris Browne.. Wow. I thought, LA Foundation. This guy knows what he's doing.

He asked me to come inside and look at the org. "Wow. Sure, yeah!"

I told him that I was on work-study at ASHO Day, here to train up to Class 6. I puffed out my chest a little as I said it, too. He seemed very impressed, almost worshipful. He took me into the Reg area, and introduced me to an Israeli Reg there.

I was already impressed but now, this was amazing! I had just returned from living in Israel a couple of years before, and I knew a little Hebrew. And here was an Israeli Scientologist! Wow!

He asked me what course I was routing on to. I told him Pro TRs. He asked how I was going to pay for it and I told him my mission had training awards at ASHO. He told me that my mission had training awards here at LA Foundation, too. He said he knew Andy and George and we talked about how great they were. Chris and this Reg both seemed to really like me, and Andy and George, too, and they were impressed that I was a staff member at their mission and I was here to train to Class 6 Auditor.

He told me that he could get me a better deal at LA Day than ASHO could give me because of the difference in price between the two orgs. And that would be good for the mission - that way they wouldn't have to spend so much money to train me.

"I don't know. I think we'd better talk to Andy." I said.

The Israeli reg said that he talks to Andy all the time, they were great friends and that I should just route in, and he would call Andy this morning and let him know. He was sure that it would be okay. "Just route in now and I'll call him before lunch."

If it was going to save my mission money, I thought that this would definitely be a good thing. "But what about Ken Shapiro? He's waiting for me."

"That's all right, I know Ken. He's a good friend of mine. I'll let him know what's happening."

"All right", I said. And they whisked me into the course room, a little before 10 a.m.

The LA Foundation course room this Saturday morning was almost full. These guys had routing forms and word clearers and sups and everything. Look! All students have their stat graph on the wall! Now THIS is how you're supposed to run an org! I thought.

They announced me as a new student. Everyone clapped and welcomed me. I took my new course pack (which had been debited off of our mission bookstore account), went over to the dictionary shelf, picked one out, and sat down.

I was so excited. I was on course in LA! These were the trained professionals. These were the people who knew what they were doing, who I would learn from and emulate. I would bring back everything they taught me and boom my mission. This was great.

By noon, the sup called "That's it" and we all went to lunch. As I walked out the door with the crowd of other students, one was just introducing himself to me as an arm lurched me to the side and a voice boomed at me angrily "MR. ALANZO!"

It was Ken Shapiro. "WHAT do you think you are doing routing into LA DAY'S COURSE ROOM????"

"Well, the Reg said he would tell you. Didn't he tell you?"


He's pulling me out the door now. I recognized it as Tone 40 from my Upper Indoc TRs on my HQS course. Cool. I'm being tone 40ed. For real, even. Wow.

"They said they would save my mission money, and that it was a better deal for us."

"A DEAL??? YOU CAME TO LA TO SHOP FOR A DEAL??? NO! You did not come to LA to shop for a deal for your mission. You came to LA to train up to Class 6 auditor AT ASHO DAY!!!"

"We gotta talk to Andy." Now I was getting a little miffed. Why shouldn't I try to get the best deal for my mission? It's the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics that my mission saves as much money as it can. We'll be needing to send other students out here, and the more money we had for them on account - the better.

"Oh, WE'LL BE TALKING TO ANDY" Ken said, as he continued his Tone 40 of me down the street.

We climbed the steps at ASHO and walked into the reception area. All the staff were glaring at me. The receptionist glared at me, the ASHO Foundation sup (Dick Orchirch) who we got out of bed last night to route me in glared at me as he walked past us. "Alanzo! You were supposed to be at roll call this morning!"

"We're handling Mr. Alanzo on this right now!" Everyone was staring at me, and they looked mad. Ken shoved me down in the chair in his office and shut his door. He picked up the phone and called Andy.

"Alanzo?? What are you doing?" Andy said over Ken's speakerphone.

"They said I could save probably 20% at LA Foundation, Andy. We have the training awards there, too, right?"

Andy busted out laughing and then checked himself. "Alanzo, you just need to route onto course AT ASHO. This is not okay. We had agreements with ASHO that you would train there and you can't go against those." Ken, arms crossed, was still glaring at me.

"And so we're going to spend 20% more??"


"All right." I said. This was the second time I've been yelled at today. Jeez. This is not starting out very well.

Ken had been keeping a mean look on his face the whole time. There he was, the first real Sea Org member I had ever really met, and I had pissed him off on my first cycle with him. I wanted to impress him, not have him glaring at me like this.

He physically took me to the cafeteria at Lebanon Hall to get eat lunch. He said that he was not letting me out of his sight. The other ASHO Day Sea Org members there who I recognized from last night all were still glaring at me. Some would smile as they looked away. I got the feeling that these guys had been talking about me or something. They seemed to all know what's going on. I felt kind of famous, but for all the wrong reasons.

After lunch, Ken Tone 40ed me back to the course room and Dick Orchirch was there to route me in. As I stood there, a tall thin guy, balding on top, with a dark brown mustache and eyes that pierced right through you, walked in and right up to me. "So this is the infamous Mr. Alanzo from Peoria!" He wasn't smiling.

DickO said, "Yep. Mr. Alanzo, meet Bill Skrivars, your practical supervisor." I was really scared of this guy. He really seemed to mean business, like a drill sergeant.

I sat down in the theory course room, this time my face red and very very flustered. The atmosphere here was much more intense than at LA Foundation. There, they all seemed to love me and be so impressed with whatever I said or did. Here, I'm what I would later know to refer to as "ethics bait."

As I sat in the theory course room, every once in a while I would look through the glass window that separated practical and theory and see Bill Skrivars glaring at me. They were watching me like a hawk.

"Jeez. I better not yawn. " I thought.

I fell into my new schedule and "made it go right".

Dick-O, the theory supervisor, would do my star-rate checkouts on Student Hat. He would always find TONS of misunderstood words on me and send me back to re-study. He told me once that students were not born, they were MADE, and he was having a hard time making me into a student. It was frikking pink sheet after pink sheet with this guy. But I came to love him nonetheless.

I can still remember some of the names for roll call. There were probably around 100 students on course at that time. We would all stand in a circle in the hallway, chatting in the morning or after lunch. Dick-O would stand in the center of the hallway, at the top of the circle, chatting and watching the clock.

At exactly the top of the hour, he would yell, "That's it - Roll Call!!" Everyone went silent, glancing at each other, smiling.

"Ricardo Ainsley"


"Mo Budlong!"


"Bill Keister!"


"Melanie Murray"


"Bill Tobin"


"Cindy Tobin"


"Letty Smith!"



I don't remember if it was because I was taking too long on Student Hat, or what, but I was put on Pro TRs and Student Hat simultaneously. I thought this was highly irregular, but it was what I was told to do. So I did it.

I was on two courses at once. And there was one more thing that I didn't mention: Back in Peoria, I had completed the Purif and started on the FPRD Basic List. Well, I had used up more than 2 intensives on the first question alone!

The question was something like "Do you have a back-off?" and it would just not quit reading! I had win after win on it. Running down chains way back into "thetan in the universe" incidents with exploding suns and postulating objects into existence and TONS of confusions and somatics and even popping out of the universe. I blew implants, I screamed and I cried. I sometimes stumbled out of session made of jell-o, unable to walk and could only lie down on the couch and laugh and line charge for hours in the pc waiting area. I would have floating TAs, F/Ns lasting for weeks, and shifts in viewpoint after viewpoint.

But I was still just on the first question!

Andy and George decided that, given the time it would take to get me through the second question, let alone the whole rundown, the planet might already be dead. So they shipped me off to LA for my training anyway. It wasn't optimum, but we would just "make it go right".

So okay. Here I was in LA, on two courses at once, and in the middle of the FPRD. Well, the first question of it, anyway.

I was constantly being sent to ethics. I would sit there doing TR Zero from 9am to 6pm, a full 8 hours of it, and my head would go black. Dark clouds with lightening would appear around my head and I would usually want to kill somebody. Bill Skrivfars SCREAMED that students didn't have cases, and I would agree and go back to drilling TR Zero again. But I kept thinking about the FPRD, and it was really clear to me that I needed to finish it.

This was, of course, totally out-ethics and I was totally being a panty-waiste dilettante as an auditor-in-training. And the more they tried to get my ethics in as a student, and the more I would try, the more the thunderstorms and the tornadoes would return. I got to know the Ethics personnel very well at ASHO. And the rest of the staff, too. They would muster down in the hallway in front of the ethics office. I was normally there, sitting on the ethics bench. I got to see roll call of the staff and the briefings from the CO a lot.

I was soaking up every bit of it.
One day, my head was black again, sitting in my chair in theory.

Melanie Murray had been in the CMO and worked with LRH and Miscavage, and all the rest. She was busted for some reason unknown to me at the time and made to retrain her entire Bridge. She was doing her Pro Sup's Internship and was running the course room that day.

Pink sheets in hand, she approached me. "What's happening?" she said.

"I'm fucked up." I told her the story, as I'd told dozens before her.

She said, "It sounds like we need to take a look at your pc folders. Where are they?"

"They're at my mission in Peoria."

She stood upright. She paused and looked at me. "They're at your mission in Peoria?" I immediately recognized this as a Q&A. I would flunk her for out TRs if I had the standing to.

"Yes. I'm a staff member there, here on work-study."

She blinked. "I have a father in a mission in Peoria. And a brother and a sister-in-law, too."

"Gerorge? George Seidler?"

"Yeah, that's my dad."

Going up a pitch, I said, "Andy???"

"That's my brother, Cindy is my sister-in-law"

"Hah! But your last name is Murray!"

"That's my married name: Melanie Seidler-Murray."


We became instant best friends. And to this day, I miss her very much.

She made a call immediately, and my folders were on their way. Melanie and I would eat lunch together. She would tell me stories about working for LRH in the CMO. We'd talk about Andy and George. We'd talk about books by Richard Bach and Dostoyevski. She'd teach me about some of the ways of Scientology that were a mystery to me so far.

She had a husband in the movie business named Pat. The two of them were in the old training films on Pro TRs. Pat starred in the original "Problems of Life" film.

Melanie had worked with LRH and David Mayo. And, from what I can piece together from the stories she told me over the years (Melanie always made sure to put the best PR spin on every story), when Mayo was busted, she and Pat routed out of the Sea Org and Melanie was declared as an SP. Through a long and drawn out justice cycle lasting years and many bureaucratic turnovers, she was able to overturn her declare.

And now she was retraining back up to Class 8 at her own expense.

I tried to reconcile Malanie's stories at the time with what I knew about Scientology ethics and justice, but I just couldn't make it fit. I figured I just needed to get my case handled then it would all make sense.

In fact, if I had any critical thought at all, through all my ethics handlings and every other handling I was getting, I knew that it was probably just my FPRD case kicking in, and that I should just come back up tone and set my case aside.

When my folders arrived, I became a target for regging by Craig Sargent, and Ruthie Silverman, and Lester - all of the Div 2 reges at ASHO. But I didn't have any money, and since I was a work-study student, contracted on staff, I was sure that we could make it go right to get my auditing from a BC student, and get me back on course and training to Class 6.

That's when I found out that BC Interns, and all other Interns, audited paying pcs in the HGC. No one audited for free.

I had really really fucking come to the end of my rope. It was looking like I was damaged goods, unable to fit anywhere in the massive wheels of Scientology organization. No one knew what to do with me.

And, to top it off, the CO Manor had gotten busted and the whole staff, including me on work-study, was put on rice and beans.

I was here in California, and ALL my time was taken up between ASHO and the Manor. I hardly ever even got to see a movie, or walk down Hollywood Blvd. And now I was eating rice and beans.

I was starting to get sick of it.

So one night, I decided that I was going to drive up the coast to Monterrey, taking Highway One, because I wanted to see the land of Steinbeck and smell the ocean. After course on Friday, instead of going on post, I just took off.

It was beautiful. I returned on Sunday and walked into the new CO's office. He screamed at me and told me that I had blown and that I was expelled from work-study. I went up to my room and all my belongings were gone. I went back down to the CO's office and he told me that when I blew, they confiscated all my property. If I worked up through liability, I would get it back.

For liability, I had to buy a set of tapes or something from him. He gave me my stuff back and all kinds of things were missing, cheap jewelry, mostly, and some shoes.

What the fuck ever. I found a place around the corner from the complex on New Hampshire. It was a house with bunk beds filling every open space.

At least now I could concentrate on studying.

But that didn't work either, as the same shit continued to occur.

So, after 5 months, I had completed no courses, and I was completely dejected. I was a total loser. We decided that I should just come back. So I went through a hellacious and dev-T filled routing out process with lots of screaming at ASHO. Ken Shapiro had been made the CO now. And he was the one to sign off the final step of my routing form.

"I hate to see you leave, Mr. Alanzo," he said in his booming big being voice.

"I know, but it really is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics." He signed it.

I was free!

I packed up the Dianetics Mobile and took off.

With $58 in my pocket, I headed out on the 2,000 mile trip back to Peoria.

The price of gasoline was between $1.15 and $1.20 in the first 6 months of 1986.

The Dianetics Mobile was a 1984 Honda Civic that got over 30 miles to the gallon on the highway. I figured that if I didn't buy any food, and spent it all on gas, I would still come up around $12 short.

Oh well, I'll just have to make it go right.

I had a few cans of Coke and some bread and crackers in a paper bag in the back seat. There might have been some cheese in there, too.

I took the northern route through Colorado and slept in rest stops in my car. For some reason that, today, I still can not fathom, I had taken my 13" black and white TV with me to LA. It was in the front seat next to me. In a small town west of Denver, I sold the TV at a used furniture store for $20.

Now, with this extra $20, if I only bought one or two meals in the 2 days more it would take to keep driving straight through, I would make it.

I rolled into my parent's driveway on "E", totally exhausted, 2 days later.

It was when I got out of the car, and looked at the parent's house, that I knew I had changed. Today I realize how profoundly I had changed, but back then, I only knew that there was a change in my worldview.

I now saw things in a very disciplined, almost para-military way. The losses and humiliations I had suffered in LA did not diminish my purpose to Clear the Planet one bit - they had strengthened them.

I now knew what was necessary to get the Mission on track. I was out-qualed for the Sea Org as I had taken LSD. But, nonetheless, I was going to be a Sea Org member right there in Peoria to make that mission contribute to planetary clearing.

With this new viewpoint, I still felt like a complete failure. And when I showed up at the mission the next day, George greeted me with open arms. There was not one hint of censure or disapproval at all in his whole presence.

He just audited me.

And it was SUCH a relief!

Through Green Forms and C/S Series 40's, student repair lists and lots of handlings, I no longer felt like a total loser, but instead, I was rehabilitated right back to, and even more enthusiastic than before.

The mission was only open 7pm to 10pm Monday through Fridays. I moved a mattress on to the floor of one of the abandoned auditing rooms and told my parents and George and Andy that I was going to "align my dynamics" to the mission. And that meant that if the mission suffered, I would suffer. If the mission prospered, I would prosper.

And that was all there was to it.

So I kind of made my own little Sea Org right there in Peoria. I was a Sea Org of one, and let me tell you, that was plenty.

Of course, the first thing that needed to be done was to get everyone's ethics in.

Why else would we have no public? Why else would we only be open 15 hours per week? My God! Wogs were burning in the witch pit! We have a virtual monopoly on knowledge of the mind, two Class 8s and a Class 6, and we're only open 15 hours per week?

George was the Mission Holder, and Andy was the ED. Applying the principles of "Post from the top down", which I had learned in LA, I demanded that Andy give me the post of Hubbard Executive Secretary. I would hold HCO from above, as well as Ethics Officer, and I get ethics IN, and would establish this mission for blood.

Especially with all that I had "learned" while being handled by Sea Org members in LA and seeing how it was really supposed to be done.

Cary Goulston was the CO SMI EUS, and Andy was only too happy to give me the job of calling the stats into Cary every Wednesday night. Cary was a screamer and a throat-ripper, and a completely unreasonable idiot on the phone. And that was fine with me.

It seemed to me at the time that Cary was the only one who "got it". Andy and George were these kindly old fumblers, were obviously out-ethics, and had made a dog's breakfast of this mission.

Cary and I were going to handle it, fully and terminatedly.

I can remember my first project of going to work recruiting people in the field.

The Peoria Mission, as the longest running mission in North America, had a huge Central Files. I immediately started a call in campaign to clean up the ARCXen field, brush off any reasonableness I might run into, and revitalize their purpose.

This was the summer of 1986. There were long time Scientologists in the field, OTs no less, who would have nothing to do with the mission, or Scientology any more. This, to me, was a major outpoint. And I was going to get to the bottom of it.

I brought in one ball of entheta after another. They all new what needed to be done, and they all told me to get to it. Well, I had a little different view of it than that. THEY were out-ethics, and whatever problem they had, was at it's root, obviously, an overt. And so THEY needed to write up their overts and withholds and get back to contributing to clearing the planet!

I learned that the mission used to have 100s of thousands of dollars in reserves. They had it in gold and cash in bank accounts and safety deposit boxes. Yet this 6,000 square foot building we were in was 7 months late on the rent. There was no money in any accounts any more.

Something had happened?

What was it?

As HAS HFA, I started recruiting right and left. While I was away, my sister had become much more interested in Scientology. She signed a 2.5 year contract to train up to be the Course Supervisor. Randy Spurgeon was the son of a woman who had been in the Sea Org, Carrie Spurgeon. Randy signed a contract and was made the HAS. Then we found Barb, a girl from a small town nearby, and she took over Treasury. Tim Crowley’s brother Luke had been a cop, and had just won a big legal settlement. Carrie Spurgeon was coming in a lot more to help out on staff and she got Luke to buy his whole Bridge at Flag with his settlement money and sign a five year contract to be the Mission OES.

Andy was at the end of his last five year contract and he and Cindy were going to move to LA. Cary went on a tour of the “Cont.” and came to the mission one day. He and Andy sat me down in the ED’s office. I think he brought another ED from the East Coast with him. Cary said that I should take over for Andy as ED.

“Me? I’m just a Mini hatted HES. And anyway, I’m going back out to LA to get trained. My goal is to make 5 clears per week!”

“Well, how many clears per week do you think you could make as an ED? Then you’ll have a whole team of auditors to make Clears with.” I actually bought that. If my goal was to make Clears, and thus Clear the planet, then he was right – I could make a lot more Clears as an ED than as a single auditor.

And just like that, I gave up my goal to be an auditor.

I was going like gang-busters. But I was basically all alone, living alone in the mission at night, alone during the day, answering the phones and keeping the mission open. I wore all the hats until the rest of the staff came in at 7pm.

One Friday night, I had had enough. It was too much, really. Andy was in tonight, and he would be headed to LA pretty soon. I took a shower, put on a shiny nylon shirt and some cologne, and took off to the bars downtown. I was going to get laid.

I went to a local bar and started talking to some of my old wog friends who I had not seen for over a year now. As we talked, a girl walked up and I said hi to her. We started talking and I found that she had read many of the same books I had read – a lot of Carlos Castenada and others. I asked her if she had ever read Dianetics, and she said that she had always meant to. We left together that night, bought some beer and a scratch lotto ticket at a gas station. The lotto ticket won!

We “nested” for three days straight. I had completed the Minister’s Course in my training to be able to use the meter for exams, and whole laying in bed, I told her that I was a Minister in the Church of Scientology. This seemed to have a kind of subversive appeal to her, having grown up a Baptist in Missouri.

On Monday night, I took her in wearing a leather mini skirt and showed her the Bridge to Total Freedom. I said, “See, we’re actually timeless immortal beings who, over time have become degraded to the point where now we can only run these bodies. This Bridge is a series of steps designed to rehabilitate us back to our original state so that we regain all our lost abilities and become powerful again.”

She said, “Fantastic! What’s the first thing I do?”

“Well, you get onto this course.”

And so I had personally achieved a First Service Start.

Andy said that was an excellent way to make up for blowing Friday night. And now I had a girlfriend who was into Scientology!

A couple months later I got her to sign a staff contract and she became the new PES.

So now I had an HES, an OES and a PES. Andy and Cindy left for LA, and I became the ED.

Cary would call at least three times per night. He would always have an urgency in his voice. As soon as you answered the phone, he would say, in machine gun fire language, "What are you doing?"

I would say that I was making folders for my drawer. "NO! You should not be doing that on post time! This is prime production time! Where are the First Service Starts??"

"We're at 3 for the week." (This was phenomenal)

"THREE??? Jesus! Connecticut gets that in one DAY! Who's body routing?"

"Well, Tim's passing out promo at the mall."

"Shit. That's bull shit. You need to get 5 people out there! Think Big Alanzo!!! What about some students? The Birthday Game ED says that you should get the public involved and you should brush off any reasonableness you bump into. How many students on course?? Can you get to them on break? Get them out there! All hands out handing out promo!!!"

"We have 5 people on course."

"5??? You gotta get that place booming! When I call back I want there to be 4 First Service Starts. And in order to get that you need to OUTFLOW. OUTFLOW EQUALS INFLOW ALANZO - START!!!"

Then he'd slam the phone down and do that to someone else on the “Cont”.

The thing is, I would hop to it. I would take that same manic energy and go around to all the staff and spray it at them.

I wasn;t very popular. But so what? I was a fire-breathing product officer and I got products.

I really didn't notice how much of an asshole I had become. I had been taught to be UNREASONABLE, and I had taught to be FIRE-BREATHING, I had been taught GET MAD, as that was how I achieved ETHICS PRESENCE.

This had been the way I was treated while in LA, and I had learned "the winning valence". And swallowed it up.

This was the technology which was going to save the planet!

Who was I to question it? Every time I had, I had been slammed and told I was out-ethics, a critical natterer, and asked to write up my overts.

And every time, I found overts to write up, too.

So it must be true.

I was now, very fully, a Scientologist.

In the late 1990's, after being a Scientologist for 15 years, a Clear, and a staff member for 7.5 years, and having a job that paid 6 figures, I was facing bankruptcy.

I had decided that I would never go into debt again for anything. And I had been studying LRH finance policy, and trying to get some kind of help from this subject that is supposed to "improve conditions in life."

I was told that I needed to get on course and get up the Bridge. So I routed on to Solo 1.

This is a report I wrote at that time of my life.

I never received any kind of response from anyone on it at all.

25 November 1999

RTC Reports Officer
Ethics Section AOLA
Tim Edwards AOLA
Solo Certainty Student

Things That Shouldn't Be
1. Pressuring Scientologists to squirrel the application of standard finance policy to their lives
2. Routing a student off course when no policy had been violated, and while the tech was going in.
Since two weeks before my annual IAS membership expired, the FCS AOLA has been working with me to renew my membership. Deanna began by asking me to put my membership on a credit card and going into debt for it. I told her that I have gotten myself $36,000 in debt and that this is a severely out-ethics scene for me. I explained over multiple conversations, adding up to many hours, that I had been applying ethics to this and reading LRH Finance policy to turn this scene around.

I had not been applying standard admin for so long in this area that it now threatened my progress on the Bridge and has even gotten me close to bankruptcy. I told her that, instead of pressuring me into going further into debt, that I needed her help me to apply standard finance policy and to FP for this membership so that I could both apply policy and get my membership paid for.

I arranged to pay $50 every week toward my membership. Each time I paid my check to Deanna, she told me that I just needed to get my membership now and to put it on a credit card. She accused me of being ARC broken with the IAS. She repeatedly said that I "could do better than this", that I was "selling my self short" by not just going into debt and paying for it now. She said that I was "not some low havingness person with no money" but that "I could do it". One time she (good-naturedly, and with good humor) put her hands around my neck to act like she was strangling me in frustration, saying "Don’t sell yourself short like this!" as I paid my FPed amount.

When my membership finally expired, Deanna told me that I couldn’t be on course without being an IAS member. Having studied the policies on membership very thoroughly, and being an Ethics Specialist, I knew this was untrue and asked her to show me the reference. She could not show me any reference. I began to feel like I was attending course "despite not being an IAS member" - something no where in policy and not any kind of a standard for ethical behavior of a student.

I continued to make payments and Deanna continued to accept them. One night, on Tuesday, the 16th of November, I received a message from Deanna that she wanted to speak to me before course. My next payment was due, so I had planned to see her anyway to make my payment. I went in to the Atrium and sat down with her. Deanna's demeanor had totally changed. She puffed out her shoulders and got up right in my face and said that she had attended an IAS briefing and that she had decided that "this was total bullshit" and that I was going to pay right now. I told her that I would make my payment, but that, as we had discussed for over a month now, I was applying standard finance policy and that I would not go any further into debt for this or anything else.

This actually became a firefight. I set out my check card to make my payment and she refused it, saying that wouldn't accept any more of my payments. I told her that I had done a lot of conditions on this, and that it was abundantly clear to me that people who pressure me to go into debt and off finance policy are not my friends. There are plenty of references on this, not the least of which is 18 February 1982 CHANGING WORKABLE FINANCE SYSTEMS.

She, again, said that I shouldn’t be on course without my membership paid for. I got up to get away from her and make the payment to Tim Edwards. Then I saw that it was three minutes to course time and so I turned around to go upstairs and Deanna was there. She took me by the hand and tried to" 8C" me to Ethics. I told her that I was going to course, so she rode the elevator with me. She accused me of "using policy to stop", even though there was no stop as I had been making payments all along and would have made one to her had she not refused it.

I walked in just before roll call and Deanna stood outside. After roll, as I began getting set up for course, I saw Deanna come into the course room and start whispering into the supervisor's ear. Then, later, I saw Deanna come back into the course room and place a piece of paper into the Sup's inbox. It was extremely distracting but I continued on with my drill anyway.

Five minutes later, the Supervisor Joey Chait, came up to me during a drill with an ethics routing form and told me that I was being taken off course and routed to ethics. I took it and went downstairs to ethics. The KR was stapled shut to the RF. (I personally did not receive a copy and still do not have one. It should be available in my EO file.)

The ethics officer unstapled the KR and showed it to me and had me explain what happened. The KR said that I had told Deanna that anyone who tried to force me to go into debt was not a friend on of mine. It said further that this was "enemy line" and that "the string should be pulled".

I explained the situation that had just occurred with Deanna and asked to see any policy that I had been violating. I was fully willing to look at any overt that I might be committing that I'm not seeing. He said he couldn't think of a policy I might be violating, and didn’t mention any overt that I might be committing. He sent me to go see the video of the latest IAS event. I was taken off course at 8pm and sat and watched the video until 10pm. Then I went to Tim Edwards and paid the $50 payment I had always intended to pay.

On the following Saturday, my twin offered to lend me the money so that I could pay for my membership and I would pay her back on the same FP schedule that I would be paying the IAS. I accepted this and my membership is now paid, and I am, once again, in debt for it.

I write this because the pressure that was used to get me to quit applying standard LRH finance policy was tremendous, even threatening my progress on the Bridge by verbally stating a fictitious policy that "students shouldn’t be on course without their IAS memberships in force" and threatening to try to take me off course, despite no policy regarding this at all.

I also write this because the KR that Deanna wrote was not filed in my ethics file, per the policies on the matter, with me receiving a copy, but was used to actually take me off course in an emergency manner and being made to explain a KR which showed no evidence of a crime or even an off-policy action. This is actually a non-standard handling of ethics reports.

HCOPL 1 MAY 1965 STAFF MEMBER REPORTS states, "The most serious reports, which are the only ones taken up at once, are technical alter-is, noncompliance, any false reports, false attestations, no-reports, misdemeanors, crimes and high crimes. The others are left to accumulate (except in Emergency when all reports on that portion or org are taken up at once)."

HCOPL 17 MARCH 1965 RIGHTS OF A STAFF MEMBER, STUDENTS AND PRECLEARS TO JUSTICE, states, "There are no student rules and regulations except the Justice Codes. All others are abolished…"

This is true,


Here, I was "taking responsibility for the whole scene".


26 December 1999

Greg Hughes
Gross Income Exec Int
Int Exec Strata
6331 Hollywood Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90028

Dear Greg -

I met you when I first moved to LA in the early 90's from Peoria, IL, where I was the Exec Dir at the mission there. I had just started working with Helmut Flasch. There was a WISE convention of Scientology consultants you had called at the Hollywood Guaranty building. You and I talked about Wally Gillin, with whom I know you went to college, and who you got to walk in the door of our mission for some "green on white".

I remember our conversation very well. You said, "Wally's kind of a dangerous guy." I blew down on that one!

I wanted to write you a letter. Some things have been happening around me out here in the field in LA that I think I should tell you about. I'd like you to know that these are solely my opinions and my observations and that I certainly could be wrong about these, but I still feel that I should communicate them to you. I will explain my personal situation.

I've never made more progress on the Bridge than in the last 4 years. In that amount of time, I have completed Levels D through G on the SHSBC, Study Certainty, my Pro TRs course, PTS/SP, the Pro Upper Indoc Course, the Ethics Specialist Course, and the Data Series Eval Course. On the processing side, I've completed my OT Preps. I am currently on my Solo Certainty Course at AOLA.

And now I'm bogged.

I'm bogged because I mishandled my finances in getting these services done. I paid for them all on credit cards. Being now $40,000 in debt, I can't see where the money will come from for my next service, OT Eligibility. All of my discretionary income is now going to pay the minimum payments on these credit card debts. And the way credit cards are rigged, this is a situation that is going to last for a very long time if I don't do something effective about it right now.

So I've been studying LRH Finance policies. I have applied these policies in many ways. I have good credit, but I have found that there are consumer credit counseling services who work with credit card companies to reduce the interest rates which lets you pay these off sooner. I have started a rigorous FP Number 1 plan which includes budgeting for Scientology services, control of my spending, and other measures.

After studying LRH finance policy in this area, I can’t really see why credit card companies are any kind of a way out, ever again, for me. How they ever became a way to buy Scientology services baffles me. It is crystal clear that the only way out for me is to get LRH Finance policy in on my life and to flow money the way he says to flow it.

When he says in 9 Mar 72RA, Finance Series 11 Income Flows and Pools, Principles of Money Management (MS2:349) that you shouldn't "commit expense beyond future ability to pay", and "don’t ever borrow", I think that he meant for Scientologists in the field to apply this, too - even to their own personal finances. I think this because he says it in 18 August 1971 On-Policy (OEC Vol 7: page 806) and elsewhere, including Keeping Admin Working.

So great. This is what I'm doing to handle my situation. Now. Why would I write you?

Before I answer that, let me tell you a story to illustrate a point I've recently cogged on from studying these policies. I've been studying the life of Thomas Jefferson. I don’t know if you are interested in him or not, but he is a fascinating character. He was one of the most effective advocates of freedom in history, and probably did more than anyone to advance the cause of freedom on Earth before LRH came along. It is my opinion that we are based in the US today because of what Thomas Jefferson did.

Did you know that, when he wrote the Declaration of Independence, he believed that we should abolish slavery as part of the new republic? He held that slavery was an "abomination to mankind". That the British had promoted slavery in America was written into his first draft as one of the reasons to revolt against them. This was too "politically incorrect" for the colonists of his time, though. They had to strike that clause from the Declaration in order to get all the delegates to sign it in 1776.

Yet, at the time Jefferson wrote this, he owned 125 slaves. On the day he died, on July 4th, 1826 (50 years to the day of the signing of the Declaration of Independence) he owned 250 slaves. It was a fairly common practice in the colonies and in the new republic for people to free their slaves if they didn’t like having them. Yet Jefferson was never able to do this, even though he hated owning slaves and felt it extremely degrading.

Do you know why he was never able to free his slaves? His creditors would never allow him to free them. Jefferson was in debt all his life. The slaves he held increased the value of his property, on which his creditors had liens. Jefferson handled his personal finances so poorly that he was never personally free enough to enact his own ideals in his own life.

How many Scientologists do you think would rather be on staff, or in the Sea Org, clearing the planet, than in working at their jobs moving MEST day in and day out? How many do you think would rather take off to Flag, or AO to do their services and get up the Bridge full time, rather than doing it piece-meal, here and there. Ask any staff member who does call-in - they act as if there is a ball and chain tied to their ankles. There is a datum going around that they are just PTS to the middle class. That may be true in some cases, but I think the majority can’t live their ideal lives because they don't apply LRH finance policy to their personal finances.

This is what I see that should be the ideal scene in the Scientology field: Each Scientologist applying LRH finance policy to their personal lives so that they are personally prosperous, resulting in a free and prosperous Scientology field that supports and flows tons of time and money into orgs, making them, in turn, rich, free, and prosperous with staff and treasure.

This is something that, in the present culture, has great resistance to it. Credit card companies are so deep into so many American's finances that we are creating a whole generation of slaves. To reach this ideal scene, the resistance to it has to be overcome and much work must go into creating this each day. I am personally creating this scene for myself, over hell and high water.

Unfortunately, the greatest resistance I am facing to creating this is from the org registrars who I am working with to continue my progress up the Bridge. It isn't that they are against LRH finance policy. They're not. It's that, I think, the only way they see to get their product of "the prospect pays in full at the time of service" is to - in my case - suggest more ways of my going further into debt, and then to insist on it.

When I tell them that the way I've been paying for my services is no longer sustainable, and is actually now being destructive to any further progress, it doesn’t seem to fit into any frame of reference for them. They brush it aside as just more case and talk to me about another credit card I can get. Credit cards seem to be a very firm stable datum in Scientology at this time.

In order to find the LRH on this - because it exists nowhere in the whole Finance series and in OEC Volume 3 - and is continually preached against by LRH in those policies on finance - I have asked a registrar to give me the LRH reference for going into debt to pay for my services. A couple of months ago, I was given two:

One reference was two paragraphs from PAB 79 THE OPEN CHANNEL, and another was one paragraph from HCOPL 27 April 59 WHY NEW BOOKS ARE FEW. These two had been excerpted and printed on paper, with a border around it, and copied by the registrar, seemingly to use on post and to hand out as a reference on whether it was standard to go into debt to pay for your Scientology services. This was given to me at AO by Tim Edwards. But he is certainly not the only registrar I've come across in my 15 years as a Scientologist who have encouraged me to pay for Scientology in this way.

And neither is Tim at all mono-maniacal about these references. However, he also has never listened to my solutions that are more on-policy because, I believe, that it doesn't allow him to get the product of "the prospect pays in full at time of service." Tim has continually suggested more ways of my getting into debt to pay for my services. Like I said, it seems to be his stable datum.

Again, this is my situation. I know many Scientologists, though, and my situation exists among the Scientologists I know in far too many cases to say that policy is generally in in this area. I believe that it is a general situation in the field.

I'd like to see registrars be a stable influence for getting in finance policy in the field, and creating that ideal scene by helping Scientologists become prosperous enough and free enough to flow lots of money into the org and to get all the way up the Bridge, without sacrificing our financial futures. This is what I believe LRH wanted for us, as well.

I hope that you find this useful, and that you understand my concern. It isn't just for me. It's for all of us.

Thanks for listening.


8 January 2000

Chaplain - AOLA
Chief Reg - AOLA
Solo Course Admin - AOLA

Dear Chaplain -

I have been blown from my Solo Certainty course since around mid-December. I'm contacting you now about it, because I have recently realized that I've had the feeling that no one was listening to me for a long time. I didn’t really realize that I had this feeling until now. I remembered the sign that says, "If no one seems to listen, see the Chaplain", so that's what I'm doing.

I have a situation in my life that is not getting any better, despite my attending course on a standard schedule and getting through my checksheet. And, the more I do, I can only see my problem getting worse. This concerns me so much that I don’t want to be on course any more, and I only want to handle the problem.

I am $40,000 in debt. 95% of this debt came about from the way I have paid for my Scientology services for the last few years - by credit card. Whenever I paid for a new service, I always had the consideration that I would be more able after the service, and then I would just miraculously get myself out of debt. It would just somehow handle itself. This was my consideration before I paid for almost every course I've done in the last two years. I am not blaming any one for this. I did this, and, I will be the one to fix it.

This has grown into a real, daily problem for me for many months now, and I've been reading LRH finance policy to address it. I have taken quite a few measures to clear this up by applying standard Scientology to it. However, the problem really slams me when I come into the org. I have been repeatedly hammered, by any staff member whose job it is to sell anything, to go further into debt for what they want me to buy, despite the clear warnings in many, many references by LRH not to do so. I have tried to standardly FP for things on a set-aside payment plan, but this is brushed aside as my unwillingness to support the IAS, or my use of policy to stop, or my case trying to stop me from going OT. None of my on-policy solutions have been listened to or accepted.

I have not yet paid for my OT Levels, or my OT Eligibility. And with all my discretionary income going to pay the minimum payments on my credit cards, I have no idea how I will pay for these. The solution from Tim Edwards, the reg I'm working with on my next services, has been to get another credit card and then be $65,000 in debt - while doing my OT Levels. I am told it is only my case telling me that this is unacceptable, that when I'm through OT 3 none of this will matter, and again, I'll be so much more able that I will just handle it.

It is very much like a situation in a session trying to audit a PC with a present time problem. The PC has a present time problem, and the auditor continues on, thinking there will be case gain if the process just gets applied. The PC's attention is stuck on the problem and not on the process, and continuing to do the process itself makes the problem worse. End result: the PC doesn’t get any gains.

The fact is that my situation is very much like this. I am not getting or keeping any of my gains. Any cogs I have don't translate to life. My course doesn’t address what I want handled. And I look around and see that, despite all the work I'm doing and the money I've spent, and the money I will still need to spend - my life is not getting any better. Moreover, the more progress I make on my course, the closer I see myself going further into debt, and the worse off it looks!

I'm sure that every staff member there who has dealt with me knows that this is a big problem for me, but the tech they are applying on their posts doesn’t seem to allow them any way to address it. They talk about how at risk I am from not being OT 3, or how much the IAS needs more money. When I say that going further into debt will drive me further toward bankruptcy, I am told that it is more important to be OT3, or for the IAS to fight suppression on the 4rth dynamic. And they just keep hammering that.

This sucks. And I don’t want it anymore. The way to improve my life is to apply LRH finance policy and improve my life. This isn't improving my life. It's the wrong handling. The fact is that, with this problem, I am now no longer "sessionable", and not I'm not "studentable".

So that's why I'm blown. I am handling my finances and staying away from the continual pressure to wreck them again. I'm past the point of seeking understanding on this. If I don’t do this I will be bankrupt. And I'm not going to go bankrupt. That isn’t Scientology.

Solo Certainty Student

15 Jan 00

Qual Sec AOLA
I faxed the following origination to the Chaplain AOLA on 7 Jan 00, ccing the Solo Course Admin:


"8 January 2000

Chaplain - AOLA
Chief Reg - AOLA
Solo Course Admin - AOLA

Dear Chaplain -

I have been blown from my Solo Certainty course since around mid-December. I'm contacting you now about it, because I have recently realized that I've had the feeling that no one was listening to me for a long time. I didn’t really realize that I had this feeling until now. I remembered the sign that says, "If no one seems to listen, see the Chaplain", so that's what I'm doing.

I have a situation in my life that is not getting any better, despite my attending course on a standard schedule and getting through my checksheet. And, the more I do, I can only see my problem getting worse. This concerns me so much that I don’t want to be on course any more, and I only want to handle the problem.

I am $40,000 in debt. 95% of this debt came about from the way I have paid for my Scientology services for the last few years - by credit card. Whenever I paid for a new service, I always had the consideration that I would be more able after the service, and then I would just miraculously get myself out of debt. It would just somehow handle itself. This was my consideration before I paid for almost every course I've done in the last two years. I am not blaming any one for this. I did this, and, I will be the one to fix it.

This has grown into a real, daily problem for me for many months now, and I've been reading LRH finance policy to address it. I have taken quite a few measures to clear this up by applying standard Scientology to it. However, the problem really slams me when I come into the org. I have been repeatedly hammered, by any staff member whose job it is to sell anything, to go further into debt for what they want me to buy, despite the clear warnings in many, many references by LRH not to do so. I have tried to standardly FP for things on a set-aside payment plan, but this is brushed aside as my unwillingness to support the IAS, or my use of policy to stop, or my case trying to stop me from going OT. None of my on-policy solutions have been listened to or accepted.

I have not yet paid for my OT Levels, or my OT Eligibility. And with all my discretionary income going to pay the minimum payments on my credit cards, I have no idea how I will pay for these. The solution from Tim Edwards, the reg I'm working with on my next services, has been to get another credit card and then be $65,000 in debt - while doing my OT Levels. I am told it is only my case telling me that this is unacceptable, that when I'm through OT 3 none of this will matter, and again, I'll be so much more able that I will just handle it.

It is very much like a situation in a session trying to audit a PC with a present time problem. The PC has a present time problem, and the auditor continues on, thinking there will be case gain if the process just gets applied. The PC's attention is stuck on the problem and not on the process, and continuing to do the process itself makes the problem worse. End result: the PC doesn’t get any gains.

The fact is that my situation is very much like this. I am not getting or keeping any of my gains. Any cogs I have don't translate to life. My course doesn’t address what I want handled. And I look around and see that, despite all the work I'm doing and the money I've spent, and the money I will still need to spend - my life is not getting any better. Moreover, the more progress I make on my course, the closer I see myself going further into debt, and the worse off it looks!

I'm sure that every staff member there who has dealt with me knows that this is a big problem for me, but the tech they are applying on their posts doesn’t seem to allow them any way to address it. They talk about how at risk I am from not being OT 3, or how much the IAS needs more money. When I say that going further into debt will drive me further toward bankruptcy, I am told that it is more important to be OT3, or for the IAS to fight suppression on the 4rth dynamic. And they just keep hammering that.

This sucks. And I don’t want it anymore. The way to improve my life is to apply LRH finance policy and improve my life. This isn't improving my life. It's the wrong handling. The fact is that, with this problem, I am now no longer "sessionable", and not I'm not "studentable".

So that's why I'm blown. I am handling my finances and staying away from the continual pressure to wreck them again. I'm past the point of seeking understanding on this. If I don’t do this I will be bankrupt. And I'm not going to go bankrupt. That isn’t Scientology.

Solo Certainty Student"

************************************************** ******************************************

The following is the voice mail that I received back from the Solo Course Admin on 14 January 00:

""OK Alanzo, this is Lorna, the Solo course admin at AOLA.'

"Listen. There are five main reasons people blow from course.'

"Number 1. Misunderstood words or no material.
"Number 2. No help or word clearing method 4 from the super or no super'
"Number 3. Interference from the super that stopped them from getting on.'
"Number 4. Personal out ethics resulting in a withhold'
"Number 5. Simply booted off for reasons best known to God and registrars. Like suddenly saying, "You must now buy M1, etc. thus violating deliver what we promise rule.'

"So. These are the 5 reasons that people blow from course. You are blown and it is one of these reasons. So why don't you call me and tell me which reason it is. I read your write up and I think it's completely...whatever. It's like, Alanzo, you have one of these reasons and you gotta call me. And the worst thing you can do is run away because this is not the first lifetime that you've had to live through a life just working and taking care of a body. And it's like, if you want to work and take care of a body lifetime after fuckin' lifetime.. You stay out there and you sit in your goddamn house and drive your car and work your job. But if you want to go free, you get your butt in here and you get handled.'

"And it's like, yeah, I got your note. I got it. But you still have to be attached to the org to get out of this mess.'

"You are a thetan. You are not your body. OK? And you need to operate as a thetan. And not a body.'

"So, I understand there's problems and stuff comes up and there's a .. ya know ...whatever...but we can handle it. And the worst thing to do is run away and hide under a rock. Which is what you are doing right now. So knock it off and just call. OK? Bye."
************************************************** *******************************************

I very much appreciate the intention to help. It is clearly there. But there is a reason that I feel that I'm not being heard. This comm violates the three references below, that I can think of. Please correct as you see fit.

Suggested Cram
1.From the Creation of Human Ability Tapes, "Alter-isness and Communication"
2.The TR Bulletin, sections on TR2 and TR 2 1/2.
3.Tech Dictionary definitions of Evaluation and Invalidation.


This was written a year later, 5 January 2001.

After 16 Years, I Am No Longer a Scientologist!

I have a lot to say. This message is my first as an Ex-Scientologist. There will be many more.

It was a year ago, after 16 years as a Scientologist, that I walked out of the org, never to return. I've done a lot of studying and a lot of research since then. I've been "uplines" to highway 79 near Hemet, CA. As I drove down that public highway, past the multi-million dollar secret headquarters of my religion, I kept asking myself why I was committing an overt by being there. I've read things by David Mayo. I had NO IDEA that he was LRH's auditor for so many years. And I've learned things about Hubbard himself - entirely factual things - that paint a completely different picture than I was ever allowed to paint on my own.

I can now say with certainty that I am no longer a Scientologist. No one thing that I read or did led to this full decision of mine. It was a series of incidents that I experienced that brought me to this point.

First, I just generally quit justifying the actions of other Scientologists and staff and Sea Org members, and Ron. There are four flows of overts, you know. You can justify what you did to others in order to cover up your actions from yourself - we're ALL very familiar with that. But you can also justify what others have done to you. And you can justify what others have done to others, too. It's all the same effort. It's the effort not to see what is actually there.

I just stopped doing that. I looked right at what I was witnessing and saw it for what it was. The personal harassment of critics, the suppression of free speech and ownership rights, the outrageously squirreled prices, the frivolous lawsuits, the lying about everything from the numbers of Scientologists to whether we actually believe in God - they're all real. They are simply what they are. When I quit justifying these things, I had to conclude that this was not the group I had joined. I figured that it all had gone wrong somehow. I suspected that Int management was squirreling.
But many more things happened. There was one milestone in particular that I reached about 6 months ago that I think I should tell you about. It was pretty illuminating, and I hope it can be illuminating for others, too. Especially any Scientologists who have the courage and integrity to read what I have to say here.

And to those lurking Church of Scienologists: I commend you. The Hubbard in the 50's, the Hubbard you were first introduced to when you made the decision to start creating your Scientology self, would have commended you for your courage and the free and open spirit with which you are reading my words here.
Thank you. Keep reading.

My last completed course in Scientology was the Data Series Evaluator's Course. After that course, I decided to buy some books on logic and critical thinking by authors other than Hubbard. I loved them - I utterly consumed these books. I became very good at identifying the premises, the supported conclusions, the assumptions, etc. in people's arguments, and in the statements they made. It was a different tech than the data series, but there were obvious similarities.

In the data series, you are taking data from the environment and figuring out what causes situations in orgs. In traditional logic and critical thinking, you are taking the statements of others and deconstructing them to test the validity and logic of their arguments.

So I decided to look over some of the Data Series PLs I had read, to compare them with my newly found critical thinking skills. I was sincerely studying. I was thinking, contrasting, comparing. I was trying to become a better data series evaluator. I picked up a PL in the Data Series called "Logic". Toward the beginning of that PL, Hubbard writes:

"LOGIC means the subject of reasoning. Some in ages past have sought to label it a science. But that can be regarded as pretense and pompousness.'

"If there were such a science, men would be able to think. And they can't.'

"The term itself is utterly forbidding. If you were to read a text on logic, you would go quite mad trying to figure it out, much less learn how to think."

I had read this PL at least ten times in the past. In those readings, these sentences would file right in to my mind. I never stopped and looked at them and said to myself - "wait a minute… men can't think? I would go mad trying to figure out logic? Really?"

Maybe when I first became a Scientolgist I would have done that. But now, after all these investments of time and money, after all this construction of a life based on Scientology, I had ceased to question things. I possessed, really, only a package of attitudes about these paragraphs: "Man is aberrated." "I'm a Scientologist." "The world is fucked up, and we're here to fix it."

As a Scientologist, I had assumed a superior attitude to "Earth logic" and lots of other things having to do with "Earth". I had never actually inspected these attitudes, but I always displayed them - right on cue.

And the cue was, in this case, anything emerging in my environment that had to do with wog logic. Mention Plato, Socrates, Kant. All these guys, while somewhat commendable, were a waste of my time. They were invalid.

All of Earth, actually, was invalid. I believed that Earth was an insane, prison planet. I held this attitude as if I had somehow come from another planet and was comparing how much better that other planet's civilization was to Earth's "pig-sty" civilization.

I never asked myself, "what exactly is this other planet to which am I comparing Earth."?

Hubbard defines a fixed idea as an idea assumed without inspection. I had earlier noticed fixed ideas that I had picked up about psychiatrists, about "wogs", and other areas of life. I spotted these as attitudes I'd picked up from trying to fit in as a group member. I had begun to spot that some of these ideas were actually crippling my judgement in many areas of life. I was on a campaign for a long time to spot Scientology group agreement fixed ideas, ideas not in tech or policy that came from the "group bank" that he talks about in KSW, and get rid of them. It was a way for me to raise myself above group agreement and try to get something decent done.
But when I read this PL called LOGIC, by Hubbard himself, the whole thing began to unravel.

For the first time, I became aware of the tactic that Hubbard, my best friend, used here to carefully channel my thinking. "Men can't think". "Logic is not a science." "The term itself is utterly forbidding." "YOU WOULD GO QUITE MAD TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT".

I had earlier CONSUMED those texts on Logic! They were fantastic! And, ideally, if one were to really study the data series, would he not also look at some of the history which led up to these groundbreaking discoveries that Hubbard had made? Hubbard obviously studied these earlier texts on logic to help develop the data series, or at least reviewed them in order to distinguish the data series with other, earlier, and more "primitive" attempts at logic.

I asked myself, "If I had written this, what would I be trying to do by writing those three paragraphs in this way?" I had to decide that I'd be trying to get administrators just enough data on critical thinking that they could run orgs better, but invalidate all other developments in logic so they would never look at them. Then, I could remain in control of how they thought!

A grim view was beginning to emerge. Things were definitely not adding up anymore. I began seeing this throughout Hubbard's writings. From then on, whenever I picked up something by Hubbard, there it was again. Install a superior attitude about the areas it is safe for Hubbard to have you look at, and invalidate the areas where he doesn’t want you to look. As longs as you are being a Scientologist, you will look where you're supposed to, and not look where you're not supposed to.

Then, through another series of incidents, I discovered something very fundamental about being human. It was implied on the Briefing Course, but never stated plainly in way that would reveal Hubbard's simple plan.
I discovered that we create our "selves". One "self" that we create is "husband", for instance. This is the self that is in love with our wife. Another is "boss". This is the self that tells other people at work what to do. These "selves" are all built with our decisions and worked on daily by us. We've created many of them. We identify with these created selves and climb into them when needed. Sometimes we create them and get stuck in them. We say they ARE us. If all the world's a stage, and we are merely players, these are the self-created characters we play in our lives.

I looked at this within a Scientology context. I realized, of course, that another self I have created is "Scientologist". This is a self that Hubbard intentionally helped me to create. And one I willingly created. There is one BIG difference about this self, though.

The difference between this self and the others is that this one can be threatened with extinction and taken away from me at any time. This self is actually not under my control or ownership. The more I've created my Scientology self, the more owned I am by the Church of Scientology. All they have to do is insinuate a threat to this self, and I have no choice but to obey - if I want to keep my Scientology self alive.

It's clear to me now that Hubbard intended this to be the result of a person studying his writings and following the closely taped path of Scientology. He intentionally got me to create a Scientology self that he knew I would not end up owning. He would. This is the area where L. Ron Hubbard is most culpable, and where Scientology reveals itself, ultimately, as a fraud.

Before this realization of how Hubbard did it, I was just sure that Int management were squirrels. I now know that Hubbard was a diabolical genius when it came to thought control. I am seeing more and more that this guy made conscious and intentional decisions to trap people - NOT free them.

Any flow he offered towards freedom came always along the lines of gaining you as a group member, away from your older life, or to get you to pay money for your next service. And then, as you progressed in the group, always misdirecting your attention, keeping your eyes on the prize of "total freedom", it became more about trapping you and keeping you trapped than it ever did about freeing you - ever again. Hubbard discovered that you would give up more and more of your freedom as you traveled on your route to total freedom.

If you did everything asked of you as a "responsible Scientologist" - bought all the courses, all the memberships, and the "special properties", and did everything asked of you as an increasingly responsible group member, you would end up bankrupt and a slave, with no possessions or time or anything of your own. I am afraid there is ample evidence as to the truth of this statement. Walk into any Sea Org berthing unit and just look around.
These are the most responsible, OT, "upstat" Scientologists there are, right? This is what, if you are "sane", you should become as you progress upward in the group. This is the ultimate creation of the Scientology self.

And these people own nothing, they have no time of their own, nothing any longer that is theirs. They live a miserable, unhealthy, poverty-stricken existence and they are powerless to change it. They don't even have any of their other "selves" any more, as long as they cling to their Scientology self.

I realized that my quest for knowledge and freedom that I began so long ago had led me into a trap.

It's okay, actually. The wider purpose was always to seek the truth. Scientology was just a set of tools along that much wider path. Well, I've found a lot of truth. I had to, in order to free myself from Scientology.
I don’t regret having been a Scientologist. I just regret having been one for so long!

I posted this the next month to ARS

I'd just made one pass by Uplines: A quarter mile worth of buildings, on both sides of highway 79 in the desert near Hemet, CA. It was a huge, gated community of buildings, all built in the lavish style of Disneys Enchanted Castle. As I turned the steering wheel of my car, my jaw gaped and my eyes bugged out of my head as I craned my neck to stare at the scope of it. This was obviously where so much of my religion was actually run from. And here I was, finally seeing it.

As I sat in my car, looking at this massive, hugely expensive complex, I had one thought: I am not supposed to be here.

For a person who had spent the last 16 years living and breathing Scientology, it was very difficult for me to believe that I was committing an overt to my group by coming here. I sat there peering into any knowledge or reason, searching for what possible pro-survival purpose there was for this place to be kept a secret from me.

Scientology was the central fascination of my life. I had spent over 7 years on staff, working 10 to 12 hour days 6 and 7 days per week, for almost no pay. Moreover, I had spent at least $60,000 cash on it. Whenever there was an article or a TV news story about it, I always watched with fascination to see who was attacking us now. And I always did whatever I could to defend my religion. I wrote letters to editors, fired off emails to journalists, furiously posting to newsgroups and bulletin boards. For years, I slammed the critics of my religion as bigots.

But as I looked out over this massive blue compound in the burning California desert, getting ready to make another pass to confirm this really did exist, I still could not figure out why it was an overt for me to be here and see this.

It is true that, over the years, I had become more and more disenchanted with Scientologists and Scientology. I was disenchanted as well with the person I had become as a Scientologist. I had found myself becoming less tolerant of people. I had done things in my career on staff that I was not proud of. I had picked up a habit of yelling at people to get them to understand things, and to get them to do the things that I wanted them to do. I had acted unlovingly to people in my family who were not scientologists, always with a superior attitude, always with a rigidness that I had never wanted to adopt or to become.

I remembered standing in the hallway of the first mission I visited, and reading the Creed of the Church on the wall. Those ideals were my ideals. I remember reading aworld without war, crime or insanity, where honest beings can have rights, and where man is free to rise to greater heights. I thought, those aims are my aims! I can remember studying the Code of a Scientologist - to work for freedom of speech in the world - to work for the freedom of religion - all these things were mine! These ideals were what I had already believed! I looked at the mission I was in, and all the staff and public running around, and I thought - this place believes what I believe!

So, based on those ideals I read on that wall, and in those first courses I took, I made the decision to become a Scientologist. I remember thinking to myself, Ive finally found a group, a religion, that I can get behind and push! If Scientology ran things, we could have these ideals in charge, rather than the fucks who killed JFK & MLK, and all those kids in war.

When I started telling people that I was a Scientologist, what I meant was that I was for those ideals. And those people didnt understand that. They tried to talk me out of it - some even forbidding me to talk to them about it. So, of course, I had to continue. I disseminated a lot. And I created a lot of new Scientologists in my area - all with those same ideals.

But because I had already defined myself as a Scientologist based on these ideals, I overlooked the fact that those ideals werent around when I began working in the real world of Scientology. When a reg ripped someone off, I only looked at the need to build a better world. When a solemn promise was betrayed, I saw only that Scientology would someday build a world without war, crime or insanity. I justified, looked away from, and not-ised the absence of my own ideals continually - while clinging tightly to them in my mind.

And now, sitting here looking at this obscenely expensive, blue alien colony that was a secret even to me - their most loyal member - I could no longer look away from the absence of those ideals. Because I realized that I was looking at a concentration camp built on the absence of them.

Then I realized why coming here was an overt. It was an overt because, sitting here seeing all this, it is supremely evident that if Scientology really ran the world, this is what the world would look like.

My forbidden pilgrimage was over. I turned my car around and went back to my hotel.

That night, I prayed to God to forgive me for my ideals.

I Became a Scientologist and Handled Myself on God

I had been a Scientologist for 12 years before I found out that I wasn't supposed to believe in God.

Way back in the 80s, when I was going through the process of deciding whether to become a Scientologist, I asked a lot of questions about what Scientologists believe. One critical area of interest for me, was Scientology's belief in God.

I was not a Christian, or a member of any other religion. I just believed in God. I always had. I had begun praying for a change in my life when I found myself at the local Scientology mission. I had mentioned that I thought this place might be an answer to my prayers. This was a very private thought, I didn't go around talking about God all the time. But I figured it was important to get this all out on the table.

To answer my questions, I was shown references from Ron about God. One was from Science of Survival where there is a long argument in favor of the belief in the reality of a supreme being. It didn't say that Scientologists believed in a Supreme Being, it just said that its better to believe in one than not.

I was also shown the Creed of the Church, where no agency less than God had the right to set aside the inalienable rights that mankind possessed. Again, no statement of a belief in God, exactly, but an indication of one. The thought really didnt even occur to me, but the uninspected assumption was that if they mention God in their Creed, then they believe in God, obviously.

From these conversations, I made the decision that Scientology was consistent with my belief in God. Other areas seemed consistent with my beliefs, too. I also had experienced a few wins from my courses and some introductory sessions. The sum of these experiences, as well as a few other factors, led me to decide to become a Scientologist.

After a few more courses, I joined staff. Late at night, the other staff and I would sit around and smoke and drink coffee and discuss Scientology and other religious ideas. I loved those talks and I loved those people. When I spoke about God, there were other more senior staff in the room who were much higher on the Bridge than I. They said nothing to me. However, I did pick up from their attitudes that I was being indulged slightly in my quaint belief.

Then, when I was on the Student Hat, it was the first chance I had to hear Hubbard himself describe the concept of the Big Thetan. He says there is no Big Thetan. But by that time, you see, I had already decided that I was a Scientologist. (Its funny, in Scientology you decide that you are a Scientologist, and then you find out what you believe as a Scientologist.)

While doing my Student Hat, when Ron said there was no Big Thetan, the attitudes of the other staff members began to take hold and I started belittling the concept of a Big Thetan determining my existence for me. I still had reserved some belief that there was a God, but I put off any real decision about it until I went farther up the Bridge, where I thought I would be in a better position to know these things for myself.

This whole time I was disseminating to others. When I was asked whether Scientologists believed in God, I always showed them the same references I was shown, and led them to believe that we did. I knew they would find out the truth as they went up the Bridge, and that any belief they had right now was based on bank, anyway. So there was no need to show them the reference from Student Hat and get into a big discussion about it. Just get them up the Bridge!

As I progressed as a Scientologist, I did the Saint Hill Special Briefing Course. This is the course where you study the chronological development of the technology of Dianetics and Scientology. You become one of the Dukes of the Auditor Elite on that course.

There is a tape on the BC where Ron goes on for 45 minutes about the whole idea of God being an implant, and that there is no such thing as God. It suddenly became very black and white. I had found out the true answer to my question 12 years after I had first asked it: There is no God in Scientology.

Now that I had found out what Scientology actually believed about God, I was in a different position than I was when I was asking about God in that mission so many years ago. I was now married to a Scientologist. Everyone I knew was a Scientologist. I was on staff. I had status in the group. I had aligned my dynamics fully with the movement. I was now part of the dedicated few who were saving the planet from itself, win or die in the attempt.

So, in order to really be a trained OT Scientologist, I had to finally handle myself on this subject. I remember going out to the parking lot after course and lighting up a cigarette, standing there looking up at the stars in the night sky, and saying goodbye to God.

You see, I was a Scientologist. And Scientologists just dont believe in God, you find out later.

As I look back, standing there in that parking lot, deciding to no longer believe that God exists, I realize that this was an extermination of my own integrity of immense magnitude. No one did it to me. I did it to myself.

I was a Scientologist.

2 December 1997

Julie Acad Sup ASHOF
Jessica EO ASHOF
Senior C/S ASHOF
RTC Reports Officer
Alanzo PRO TRs Student

Knowledge Report
Mishandled Ethics Cycle
On Wednesday, 5 November 1997, I was sent to ethics with my twin. My twin had been late. So I thought I was going with him to help him out in ethics. I found out from the write up that I was also being sent to ethics, actually, because the sup wrote that I had been "critical of the supervisor" the night before. (Please see writeup from Julie to HCO - Julie has this.)

When we got to HCO, the EO, (Jessica) talked to Jack about his lateness. Jack was very upset, and Jessica was unable to get into comm with him well enough to get his ethics in. The EO told Jack to apply danger, and told me to help him. Then she left.

I got in comm with Jack and helped him apply danger. While doing this I spotted a huge situation of my own, and I applied danger to myself as well. (see my danger condition write up)

I had one of the biggest wins of my life - a major cog that using TRs are actually the first step as operating as a being, and before that, one is MEST. And that I had not been using TRs to the situation I was facing in the course room - the reason I was being sent to ethics in the first place. And I had not been using TRs in my life, and what I do instead, etc. etc.

It was my WHY. Both my twin and I were VVGIs. I had a whole new view of the universe and my place in it - not only ethics wise, but also on my course, and in my life. I was very blown out.

Then Jessica came back into the room. She looked at Jack's conditions, made some corrections, and then turned to me and said that she needed to speak to me before she looked at my conditions. She said that she had been upstairs talking to Julie and that she now understood my situation.

We went into the back room, the HCO interview room. She shut the door. I gave her my conditions. She asked me why I was here. I explained the situation that was going on in the course room and how I wasn't using my TRs to handle it, and she cut my comm. She said that "this is ethics, this isn’t tech". Then she said something like "you are not here to have a tech cog. I don’t care about what's happening technically. This is ethics."

Then she told me that "everything I had been saying to her was natter and criticism." She also said that "all she has heard from me is what others had done wrong." I pointed out that I had just told her that I had handled things wrongly in the courseroom. Then I pointed to my condition to tell her how it was that I did that, and the cog I had to correct it, and she cut my comm again.

She said that I needed to do an OW write up and that this was the only way I was going to be able to handle my ethics. I told her that I have had 15-20 intensives of FPRD and that I absolutely love OW write ups, and that I will do one - no problem - but when is it that I am supposed to stop? What is the EP of this OW write up?

Then she started saying something else, and I just caved in. I started crying. I said, "Would it be real to you that I might have already had a huge cog, and that I might already be handled?" Then she looked at me, and I realized that it was actually for the first time. She had not been listening before, nor had she been looking, nor really reading what was on my conditions. When she saw that I was caving in on this - she started listening.

I pointed to my conditions and showed her my win. I told her that this was my why and that I had been totally handled on this. And that I had had this cog, and that cog. Then we began to clarify things in the condition write up and now she was understanding, and she was asking questions and listening, and no longer cutting my comm. It was very apparent that she felt bad for how things were turning out, and that she did not ever want this result.

I want a safe org. I want to be able to go to ethics, have a big, big cog, and have it handled correctly. This isn't the first time I've had a cog trounced on in ethics at ASHOF. It happened before with an earlier EO. I don't want it to ever happen again - for anybody.

This is true

PRO TRs Student - ASHOF

13 May 98

CO ASHO Foundation
RTC Reports Officer
Alanzo PRO TRs Student

Knowledge Report
BC Student disturbed on course,
threatened to be stopped on Bridge Progress
On 11 May 98, while studying in the course room on the BC, Level F, my Supervisor approached me and told me to report to the Chf Off ASHO F for a Director of Processing Interview. She said to go up and meet Angela in the HGC.

When I got there Angela, the Chf Off, told me that I was being taken off my BC Level F "right now, tonight" to be put on my Pro Upper Indoc Course "because it is a pre-req to the BC".

I mentioned the policy in OEC Volume 4 prohibiting changing checksheets on students and not letting them complete the checksheets they are on. Angela wanted to see it so I showed her.

I said, "I thought I was coming up here for a D of P interview."

"R-Factor," said the Chf Off.

Finally, after I protested heavily that I was FLYING on my course, and that I was having tremendous wins, and that I was only going to be on it for another two weeks, the Chf Off said she would "let" me stay on the course.

This was enturbulating. Why this actually happened still doesn't make sense to me.

But the end product of this was that I was disturbed on my course under the pretense of a D of P interview, when actually the disturbance had nothing to do with a D of P interview, or with the D of P hat.

Then, the fantastic wins that I've been having on a major Bridge step were threatened to be taken away arbitrarily, and I found myself having to defend my position in order to continue making Bridge progress.

This is true

BC Student - Level F

Chairman, RTC
RTC Reports Officer
Alanzo IAS Member

Knowledge Report
Reducing discounts before IAS membership expiration
is a violation of Senior Policy
On 19 July 1997, I bought an IAS Annual membership. It was promised at that time to carry a 20% discount on all books, materials and Church services for a period of one year, expiring on 19 July 1998.

On Monday 11 May 98, 2 months before my annual membership expired, I was told by my registrar at ASHO Foundation, that my membership no longer gets me what was promised. Now it only gets me a 10% discount.

HCOPL 21 November 1968 SENIOR POLICY states, "We always deliver what we promise."

Reducing my discount before my membership expires is a clear violation of Senior Policy.


This is true

IAS Member

From my Journal at the time:

May 8, 1998

JM had me over to his house to do some collaborative writing. His partner in his busines was there, an ugly blonde woman who is going through a divorce.

We went out for sushi. When we came back, we started talking about his screenplay. The partner came in a few times and then left.

His screenplay was about a guy who wants to be a chef. He works in a greasy spoon kitchen. He gets a chance, through mistaken identity, to work as a chef and he does well.

I asked him what his theme was. It was "to pursue your dreams while not violating your integrity." He was about as excited about it as a wet pancake.

I started to quiz him and about what he was really passionate about, what he really cared about. What theme would he really want to say.

He got teary eyed. He said that we were getting into his case now, and that he was getting auditing and he hadn't been able to handle his ruin all through Scientology. He had gone clear, and he had now reahced Level O of the BC, and it was still not handled.

I said okay. He had taken off his shoes and he was sitting cross-legged on his couch across from me. He was conflicted.

He said that he should just come out and say it. "See, I'm gay. And I've always wanted to handle that. I know that it is an aberration and all I'm waiting for is OT Three. I know only that Ron says that it will get handled, and I have faith in what Ron says."

I think I kept my TRs in really really well.

We talked about it some more. I told him about Jeff. I showed him 2D Rules. I talked about group agreement and moral codes. He said that he really wants to be an upstat Scientologist but he knows that there is no way he will get an OT Level invitation if he's a practicing homo.

Then he talked about how he loved to go out to the bars, and be with gay people. He loved how he could laugh with them. "That is my group."

But he said that he also wanted to have a wife and kids.

I told him that there was a fantastic screenplay there. I said that there is probably 50 people on earth who have done the BC and who have been gay. And the viewpoint you have is a completely unique viewpoint and that it should be voiced.

Then he said that the more we talk about this the more we're just getting into his ruin, and the less there can be to do something about it. I tried to get the conversation back onto writing his screenplay.

He wasn't excited about anything about his screenplay. He said that he didn't even know why he wanted to write it. Then he said that the idea was written down in April of 1994, and it hasn't gone any further than that. So I had come over there to discuss a four year old idea ?

No. He wanted to fuck me.

I don't think that people like Jack should have the pressure of the group agreement that exists in Scientology. I remember coming back from doing tone scale exercises in West Hollywood. I had told the CO that I had been there spotting tones. She said, "That shouldn't have been hard." Meaning "They're all 1.1."

If we are to achieve greatness as a group, we must do so NOT out of force and intolerance, but out of understanding. I wonder if it's possible.

Here's a journal entry of mine from a couple of years before I left the Church of Scientology:

Saturday February 28, 1998 07:56:51 AM

I have just come through a long review cycle at ASHO. I did PRO TRs, it having lasted a looong time, with lots of arbitraries put on my lines, such as "An auditor can't go below 3.0 on the tone scale", and other such bullshit. There was even a point, after having been told over and over to do it just like on the film, when I brought in LRH tapes, and I swear the sup went white - as if shocked that I would follow this reference as opposed to her coaching.

So anyway, I'm now paying for review. And after receiving HORRIBLE auditing from Angela, who has HORRIBLE TRs, I now get Chari - who is so suppressed in her comm that she has managed to have good TRs anyway, through very curt - one word acks with NOTHING ELSE.

I had a thought the other day "TOTAL FREEDOM DELIVERED BY TOTAL SLAVES".

A disturbing thought, but it explains a lot of things.

It answers why I was treated how I was treated on my mission staff cycle - why would people bound to their billion year contracts with indentured servant debts ever allow or entertain the thought of allowing someone to leave staff? It explains the arbitraries thrown at me on course because they MUST do what they are told, and they are told what to do right down to their wording of their comm. It explains why thinking individuals would allow destructive orders to wreck their org.

And it explains recently the censorship I experienced when I joined an online Scientology community called TNX. This was so bizarre. There was an attack from CBS 60 minutes and Public Eye. In response, a whole bunch of Scientologists were writing entheta letters attacking back. I wrote a post entitled "Creating Antagonism?!?!? Me??????" and it was roundly rejected by the censor for being negative. He refused to publish it until I rewrote it.

I went back and forth with the guy and he finally sent me to "Qual". Then I went back and forth with the "Qual Sec" who totally agreed with the censorship, and denied it was censorship and then, even after I re-wrote it, kept correcting me and correcting me. I resigned.

The guy continued to send me email (at around 50 emails per week) and I kept trying to get off. But I couldn't because he wouldn't answer me.

So I started filling up his mailbox with emails, labeling them "dev-t". Then he quit immediately.

I won't stand for censorship of my comm for even a second. You don't reach total freedom by giving up your freedoms. And I will never do that. I have the idea that I can survive in Scientology by being free.

I believe that Hubbard set it up that way. And if I know policy, and always furiously challenge any attempt to reduce my freedom, for whatever reason, by getting the policy that is being operated upon, and by calling comm evs etc, if need be, and by furiously defending my rights under policy and as a human, I will not only survive, but I may help beat back this group bank which I keep running into.

Otherwise, if I can't succeed - it isn't the group I joined.

I joined a group which valued the Creed of the Church, and the freedoms afforded there-in. I joined a group that had FREEDOM as its basic goal. I believe that Hubbard set it up that way on purpose and that he truly believed that this was Scientology. There is something in man which seems to seek to make slaves. And it has crept into Scientology. I believe that it is my duty as a Scientologist to fight this impulse and keep it out of Scientology.

I can at least keep it out of my life. I can train anyone coming near me that they will get a fight if they try to fuck with my freedoms. I can apply the price of freedom savagely. And I believe, ultimately, that I will win for myself and everyone else if I do.

And I may get hung. But it's better than giving in and losing it all. YOU CAN NOT REACH TOTAL FREEDOM BY GIVING UP YOUR FREEDOMS!!! So that is it. Why is my neck so precious, anyway? It's just a neck.


Then this, later that night:


Saturday February 28, 1998 11:34:13 PM update

OK. Now one would have ever suspected this, but I'm totally keyed out right now. Kevin regged me to get the thing I really need - my next step on the Bridge! ARC Straightwire!

I don't feel misemotional anymore! I'm fine with ASHO F.

It was the wrong action!!

For ten years I've been "bits and piecing" auditing and the bridge. I've been trying to get up the bridge by doing anything that I could - EXCEPT MY NEXT STEP!!


I can't believe this.

I finished my OCA test for my routing into the HGC. I do my aptitude and IQ testing tomorrow.
A year earlier, there was a beautiful young woman who worked at the company. Her mother, Patty, was an OT 8 and very good friends with the owners. A friend of mine, a writer, and a very intelligent guy named "E" took a shine to the beautiful young woman who was the daughter of Patty, the OT 8.

One day, in my office, the beautiful young woman expressed taking a shine to the young and handsome E. And so I proceeded to make a match between the two.

As I said, E was very intelligent. He was not a Scientologist, but he was very familiar with Scientology, as were all the employees of the company we worked for, since every top level exec was a Scientologist, and very few made it into the top ranks of the company without being one.

As a fellow Scientologist, I knew how important it was for E to become involved in Scientology if he was going to be acceptable to the beautiful young woman's family. And so, as I made a match between them, I set about the task of disseminating to E, with the strong intent of making him into a Scientologist.

E went to CC and took courses. He came to my apartment and I audited him on Book One. And we would talk long into the night about Scientology, the reactive mind, thetans and L Ron Hubbard.

He and T, the beautiful young daughter of the OT 8, were getting along swimmingly. And, as long as E continued his courses, and continued to become a Scientologist, T's mother, the OT 8, was tolerant of E.

As the weeks grew into months, E and T got along so well that they moved in together. E was a great cook, and loved to entertain. And I would come over to their little love nest and, along with other friends, laugh and party long into the night as well.

But dark clouds began to appear when E was sent to ethics for the first time on his course at CC. Some very unreasonable requests were made of E, and E, being very intelligent, and a writer and all, began to question their right to ask him to do these unreasonable things.

And so I set upon the task of trying to explain it all to E, and to help him through the unreasonable requests being made of him by the ethics section of the Celebrity Center. I had played this role in Scientology before. But this time things weren't so easy. Maybe because of the earlier times I had enforced crazy ethics demands on people, maybe because I was getting so sick of it, or maybe because of E and the person I knew him to be.

Or maybe it was a combination of all the above and more. But it was during these conversations that E mentioned to me the deadly phrase "intellectual honesty", within the context of writing and expressing one's self and the search for truth. And so, along with the other things going on in my life, that phrase, "intellectual honesty" began to re-sink into my consciousness, and I began to be reminded of the person I had always set out to be, and comparing that to the one I had actually become.

And so the task I had set out to accomplish, to be the one who was going to handle E's ethics and get him to comply, actually got turned around on me. It was my ethics that finally got handled: I realized that I could not participate in even one more of these robotic butt-fuckings of a person's mind and life.

The problems with E and the ethics section at CC grew. Patty, the OT 8 mother became concerned, then interested in the true nature of E. Was he a live SP, or what? Was her daughter living with a true 2.5 percenter? Could he be THE fox in the chicken house?

And so Patty started making calls and talking to E.

E told me about the calls and the nature of the questions Patty was asking. I knew from the nature of the questions that things were not looking good. E just thought that it was all open to discussion, that his innocent questioning of things was a natural phase that any Scientologist would go through. He had no idea that his questioning was actually making him a threat to all mankind.

Then E began mentioning the Internet to Patty, and the information he had gotten off of it about the life of L Ron Hubbard. I tried to explain to E that this would never fly. I told him that no one was actually ever going to listen to his points, but instead, he was being targeted by the other pod people as a person who needed to be eliminated.

Patty was applying pressure to the beautiful young T to dump E. And E was standing there looking at all this, incredulous.

And I began to see, almost as if through E's eyes, how incredulous this all really was. I had begun to really see that this was a thought-police operation, and that I was in the middle of it, and I had even played the role of patrol officer for the thought police and enforced these mind control laws on others for the last 16 years of my life.

I knew that it was all about to unravel, and that there really was nothing that I was going to be able to do about it. If I was going to believe in intellectual honesty, and in seeking to live with the truth, then this was where I was going to have to make a stand. And I was going to have to face losing my whole life and everything I had ever built as a Scientologist, if I was really ever going to be true to myself.

So when Patty, the zealous and protective OT 8 mother of the beautiful T, finally called me and said, "I hear that you are not doing so well as a Scientologist", I knew that my time at the guillotine had come.

It turns out that E, in his unthinking naivete, had been telling T about the conversations we had been having. And T, hoping to keep her mom's hovering wrath off of E, let her mom know some of the things I had been saying to E, hoping to name me as the "Who", and not "E".

Had E just understood that intellectual honesty was not as important as keeping the lies going, then everything would have turned out all right. But E, God bless him, just never allowed that to be part of his world. And that same attitude had been rekindled in me.

And so when the phone rang at my desk in my office, I let the pin-headed fanatic Patty know about some of the things I had been thinking lately.

Like how I was told that Scientology believed in God when I first joined up, but had found out on the BC that there was no God. I told Patty that, as an OT 8, she knew that Scientology ultimately taught that there was no God, too.

When Patty told me that the fact that there was no God was too "out-gradient" for raw meat, and that they had to be told that there was a God to get them onto the Bridge, that just opened up more and more until I realized that I had let the whole cat out of the whole bag, and that Patty's next call would be to my boss.

And so, in this way, a beautiful romance between two young lovers became the wisp of air that began the collapse of the whole house of cards for me.

Things began to rapidly progress from there. Over the next few months, things would get quite frenetic and very terrifying.

All I did was accept, in reality in my own life, the principles of intellectual honesty, and seeking to live with the truth.

And everything was destroyed.

Right around this time, I was beginning to overcome my fear of being found out. I was writing things down and figuring things out for myself. I was confirming things and doing what Scientologists might call "Coming out of doubt".

I was preparing to make it out of Scientology and into my next stage of life, although in the middle of the terror and anger and confusion and bitterness of the time, you could not have convinced me of it.

Only now, years afterward would I ever be able to see it.

Here's something I was spotting around that time of my life.

I wrote it down at the time.

Maybe there are others for whom this may help.


I have been embroiled in an intense personal effort to free myself of the mental slavery resulting from prolonged involvement in Scientology. I have found that the only way to free my self from this was to discover exactly how I was enslaved.

Once I had discovered this, I could then begin to re-arrange my thinking back to my true self, the self I was before I ever heard of Scientology.

I think I have isolated some of the stages of the process of enslavement that Hubbard built into Scientology. I present these stages now hoping that you can use them to free your self from the Scientology mental enslavement process, too.

I have found that a person must free himself. Even though Hubbard wanted each Scientologist to think and respond exactly the same way to certain stimuli, the artificial personality he installed had to fit over a uniquely shaped individual – YOU. And you were the one who made it fit. So, it is possible to break out of the fixed stimulus/response mechanisms installed in you as a Scientologist by contacting the source of your originality and the unique responses you have developed to handle things.

Some people never snap out of Scientology. By observing all the people who have tried Scientology and left it, one can see that most people do snap out of Scientology. Few figure out exactly what happened. Fewer still write it down for others. I have no choice but to write this so that others may avoid the trap of Scientology, and so that those who are interested in freeing themselves from it, can.

Here are the stages of enslavement that I have identified for my self.

I hope you find them helpful.

The Courtship Stage
Hubbard attracts you with elegantly written ideals and a homespun speaking style. All the gates of Scientology are carefully adorned with absolute goals and utopian descriptions of how things should be. Any sane, intelligent individual would agree with the things that are presented at this stage. It is carefully set up for easy agreement.

You are invited to read a book, or listen to a lecture, or try some free auditing. Some light psychology is then applied to get inside your head. You begin to tell a few of your inner secrets and are pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to talk to the people Hubbard trained.

None of the ideals or the principles he uses to build your trust in this stage are ever seen again. They are actually not part of Scientology. Even the light psychology processes he used on you are never used again. This stage is simply to build your trust and get you to allow him into your head. Once that happens, the next stage can occur.

The “Winning” Stage
After you feel some relief from the light psychology, he quickly defines for you what you feel and tells you how it happened. It’s very important that you listen and accept his definitions of your feelings at this point, because this is the beginning of your transformation. If you accept his explanations, and they clarify something for you that you always wondered about, you begin to think he’s pretty smart. And you begin to get interested in what else he might do for you. After he has defined what you are feeling for you, and once you accept those definitions, he is well on his way to having you.

He now reveals to you that you are really an immortal spirit, trapped inside a mortal body, and that’s why you felt that way before, when you had those wins. You look back and get the feeling that he knew this all along, and that he was leading you. He tells you that you can achieve Total Freedom if you’ll just listen to what he has to teach you. Do what he says, and you and all mankind will be free.

This stage will produce a huge euphoria. Those who experience the euphoria become Scientologists. Those who don’t experience it will move on. This stage is the honeymoon that a Scientologist will always remember. Later, when you look down and start to notice the chains around your legs and your advanced stage of enslavement, you will look back to your wonderful experiences in this stage and deny the chains exist.

This stage is over when you decide to become a Scientologist.

Installing The Scientology Self
After you have decided to become a Scientologist, you then begin to learn what you are supposed to believe. The ideals and the principles you thought you had agreed with earlier start to disappear, and new things begin to emerge that were not discussed with you before. Because you have already decided to become a Scientologist, and are in a state of being a willing recipient of the immortal truths of the universe, you don’t notice that the things you are learning now would have been totally unacceptable to you before you decided to convert.

Hubbard’s process of enslavement now becomes much more complex. He is doing many things at once at this point, but the whole process is designed to install a new personality within you. This new personality will alienate you from the loyalties and the affinities and the political structures of the people around you and then re-define your life and yourself in a way that aligns your loyalties, affinities and politics with Scientology and Hubbard’s dictates.

You are the one doing all the aligning, and the disconnecting and the re-defining – but you are being manipulated to do so underneath your awareness.

Revealing The Secrets & Threatening The Scientology Self
Once you have personally started to define yourself as a Scientologist to others, and to build your personality and your life around Scientology, then you have the implanted traps and phobias necessary to be controlled utterly.

From here on, it is basically a routine of holding out the carrot of revealing secrets and whapping you with the stick of threatening your survival as a Scientologist that keeps you with your head down and huffing and puffing along the “Road To Total Freedom”.

It doesn’t actually change from here, except to work to deepen your loyalties to Scientology and its founder, and to make it more and more difficult to turn around and leave.

There were four employees standing in my office, each with pressing questions about how to do their jobs. My phone was ringing every 2 minutes with another question from someone else, or another pressing decision I had to make right away. There was a stack of 20 leads on my desk waiting for me to proof and to send out to the client, and I had been working until 9 or 10pm every week night for the last 4 weeks at least, just to keep up.

I was in a constant state of siege on my job, trying to meet the impossible demands of running 40 brand new employees by myself on a project that contained deliverables that were completely delusional. It was only a matter of time before the client fired us, but until then, I had to do whatever I could to make it go right.

In addition to the 4 employees standing in my office, my office mate - another manager on a different project - had three of his own juniors standing in line, listening to him correct every single little comma that they had written incorrectly on their work.

That's when the phone on my desk rang.

"This is Alanzo."

The screeching voice on the other end of the phone seethed: "I hate you so much I could fire you right now!"

I pulled the phone away and looked at it. "Phyllis?" I asked.

"You sent a false lead to the client yesterday and it ended up on the CEO's lines as an example of the kind of shit work you are doing for my client!" About 5 of the 9 people in my office heard what she was screaming, and they stopped talking and looked up at me.

"Listen Phyllis, I'm very busy right now and this type of communication is not conducive to production. You need to talk to Craig or Gary. I'm too busy to have this kind of entheta on my lines, even if you are the CEO." She started screaming even louder before I hung up on her.

I sat there, completely overwhelmed. Before, I was barely making it. But that phone call just put it over the top. I told all the people in my office to please leave, I needed to handle something right away. When I walked out of my office and looked down the hall through the window into Gary's office, I saw him on the phone with a scowl on his face. He looked at me as if to say, "It's her, and here she goes again." I walked down the hall and turned the knob on his door. He covered his phone and mouthed "Go Away! I'll talk to you later." Then he resumed his grim acknowledgments to Phyllis' screaming rage.

I stood there outside Gary's office with more black clouds surrounding my head. I was about ready to start whimpering. I was scared, angry, and reeling at the injustice of this, not to mention the Dev-T of a CEO bypassing two levels of management to reach for the throat of a middle manager and threaten to rip it out.

In Scientology's terms, I was restimulated. So I headed straight for the front door and went for a walk.

Phyllis and Craig were partners in the company I worked for. Craig headed the Calabassas branch, where we had a call center and performed the interviews for market research and lead generation, and produced the reports. Phyllis ran the sales and graphics portion from Orange County.

In her late forties, Phyllis was an OT 5 who tied her hair into a severely tight bun. She wore huge diamonds and drove around in a red jaguar with sunglasses and the top down. When she visited Calabassas, we all went into ship-shape mode to avoid her wrath. She seemed to enjoy the fear she instilled in the people who worked for her. To her, this fear and propitiation told her she had ethics presence.

She flew to companies and sat down with their CEOs and vice presidents and told them half-truths and obfuscations about the things we could do for them if they hired us to do their marketing. Almost every client she closed had fired us before the project was over, and most of those ended up in a lawsuits against the company.

This project, which I had been picked to manage, was looking exactly like the most impossible project to date, and its fate looked the same as all the others. I had known this project was going to be a bear, because Craig had told me it would when he made me manager over it. I was flattered that they decided that I was going to be their best chance at success. But now, I was pretty sure that what I was being paid was not worth the futility and abuse that came with it.

As I stumbled the corporate parking lots of the industrial park complex where I worked, looking at parked cars and cement streetlights, near and far, I hoped to recover my ability to control my attention units and not be so overwhelmed. I hoped to regain some kind of composure to go back in there and get back to work.

After about a half hour, the emotions had subsided somewhat, and I returned. Gary's door was open but Gary was not in his office. I looked through the window into Craig's office and saw him sitting there with Craig. Craig was on the phone with the same grim face that Gary had, and he waved me away, just as Gary did. Phyllis was laying into both of these guys very heavily. Gary looked looked up at me. He looked like he had been crying.

At this point, I was ready to quit. These guys were making hundreds of thousands of dollars on this program alone, not to mention all the others, and I was making less than $50,000 per year. And yet, as the dedicated employee, I was working 60 hour weeks at a minimum and doing things that were completely impossible. That was actually fine. But if I was also going to have to put up with Phyllis, then this would be it for me.

So when Craig waved me into his office after he hung up the phone, I sat down not really caring if he was going to fire me or not. I was ready to quit.

Craig looked at me. He smiled widely and even laughed. He told me that I had not experienced half of what he had experienced working with Phyllis over the years. Craig told me that Phyllis routinely called his home after 10pm, and, when things were going poorly, she would say some of the cruelest things to Craig that anyone has ever said to him in his life. "Here, Alanzo, let me just give you one example. One time, while we were on the X project, Phyllis called me at midnight and got me out of bed. She screamed and screamed at me. She told me, and this is a direct quote, that everything I had ever produced was shit, and that I would never produce anything but shit." Craig laughed again.

I kind of laughed, too, relieved to know that everyone got this kind of treatment from Phyllis, and that if she is treating me this way, it must mean that I am worth it. I felt like I had joined an elite little club of the privileged and abused. I felt important. I felt like a Real Executive in the company.

But before I left Craig's office that day, I let him know that this was not part of my job description and that I would not put up with this kind of treatment from anyone, especially for what I was being paid.

He seemed to understand exactly what I was saying to him.

So when the client did finally fire us a few months later, being mislead about the capabilities of the company and the lies they were told by Phyllis, the company started to go into a tailspin. During this period, I had begun to become more aware of what I'd observed of the OTs that I had known in Scientology. I realized that they were not the types of people that I always thought they would be.

In fact, of the five OT 5s that I had worked for while a Scientologist in LA, three of them were batshit crazy, Just like Phyllis, they flew into rages. They seemed alternatively saccharin sweet and tyrannically abusive.

The questions began to sink in with more and more experience: Was this what I was rising to, after all, on my Bridge to Total Freedom? Would I end up like these people?



It Is Done

When I first left the Church in 2000, I had no idea what to do or what my life would be like in the very near future. I realized, through reading and studying about cults and brainwashing, that the primary way to heal after a cult is to go find the self you were before the cult, and look at the problems you had at the time you joined and how the cult solved those problems for you.

This corresponded with a BC tape I had heard where Hubbard said that the first postulate contained the information necessary for the release of any trap. All you had to do was to examine the first postulate, and all the rest of the problems, goals, selves and everything else bound up in that would be released.

So I did. I went back and took a good look at my life just before getting into Scientology. What was I trying to achieve? What problems was I trying to solve? Who was I trying to be? What was the life that I wanted to create for myself? How did Scientology become a solution to that?

More than anything else, this freed me enough to take a new perspective on what I learned in Scientology. It freed me enough to see the lies that I was told when I first got involved. It allowed me to see how I was manipulated and coerced by my vulnerabilities that they asked about, and I offered.

And from all that, I realized that the biggest mistake I made in getting so deeply involved in Scientology was not looking at or listening to ALL the information, both pro and con, about Scientology before I decided to define myself as a Scientologist.


The other part of the equation was that things were different then. Not only was I different, but society was different, too. There was no Internet. There was no way to connect with people who had experience in such a little known thing as Scientology. The only sources of information were newspapers, magazines and TV news. And those were easily discredited in my mind because I was so rebellious at the time to anything that appeared supportive of my parent's worldview.

So, despite the bad press that Scientology had, I dove in. I figured that anything that was attacked this much by conservative society could not be all bad.

Well, that was a mistake. And that mistake was helped along by the Scientologists who were recruiting me. In fact, that idea above might have even been originated by them, but I certainly grabbed on to it, closed my eyes and dove in head first.

In other words, while my getting involved in Scientology was my own decision, it was not an informed decision. I did not have all the information necessary to make a truly valid, informed decision about my involvement.

I believe that had I known that I was being lied to when I first joined, that information would have effected the decisions I made as I got myself in deeper and deeper. Had I known that LRH was lying when he said that he was blinded and crippled after WWII, for instance, and that he had cured himself with Dianetics, would I have ever joined staff and worked for free for 7.5 years?

I seriously doubt it.

While half of the problem of my diving headlong into Scientology was my own fault, the environment I was in and the information available to me to make an informed decision also contributed to my mistake.

So, when I got out of Scientology, I decided that since the Internet existed now, it was possible to fix one half of the reasons for the mistake I made. I could help to ensure that the information was available to people to make an informed decision about their involvement in Scientology.

So I did. I wrote almost every single day about my involvement in Scientology.

Lately, I have been noticing that my involvement in this activity has been taking away from my own recovery from Scientology, and distracting me from creating my ideal life for myself. In the past few years, as this has become clearer and clearer to me, I have always responded to this perception by telling myself that it wasn't done yet. People haven't yet gotten it. I need to keep going until they do.

As with a lot of postulates, you can tend to keep going long after the first postulate has been achieved. You tend to forget the initial reason for your crusade, and think up others along the way to keep it going.

It is getting clearer to me that the information IS out there now. Any person who wants to check out Scientology now has all the information they need to make an informed decision as to their own involvement. Very few people are not going to know a lot of LRH's lies. (And if the information is there, and they simply, for their own emotional reasons, decide not to look at it, well, that's not my problem, is it?)

It's been dawning on me lately that not only has this end result been achieved, but when 8000 young people from all over the world stand outside churches of Scientology and protest its abuses and fraudulent claims, it is proof that it has succeeded. These people have also written brilliant internet movies, launched websites, called congressmen, law enforcement and media - all on their own.

And they even wonder from time to time what good I have done in this effort when they are dong so much more. And it's true - they are doing so much more than I ever did, and most other critics I know ever did.

My goal was to see to it that those who came after me would not have to make the same mistake I did. I wanted to make sure that people had enough information to make an informed decision about their involvement in Scientology, should they become interested in the subject as I did.


It is done.

With the rise of Anonymous, my goal has been achieved.

And now I even know what kind of life I am going to have outside the Church. It is the ideal life that I originally wanted to have by joining the church in the first place, and the very one that got derailed by becoming a Scientologist.

And so now that it is done, and now that my new life is available to me, I am not going to let Scientology distract me anymore from creating it.

I will be going into much more of a lurk mode here on this board and others from now on. I'll still stay in touch, because all the new friends I have made from doing this are really true friends - not like the ones who disconnect from you just because you disagree.

So I'm not leaving.

I am just acknowledging that the end result has been achieved.

It is done.


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