My Story - Bea Kiddo

Part 1 - 1975 - 1980 (ish)

This story is not for the faint hearted. Read on, if you wish. I will have to do in segments, as it covers thirty years.

When I was born, my mother was already on staff in a Cl V org. She really wanted to join the Sea Org, but, per her, my father would not have it. He was also in staff in the same org. (My mother told me stories about him which I don't know if they are true as I did not hear his side). I also have an older brother. Both of us used to hang out at the org with her.

I remember one time my brother got bored and disappeared. The police brought him back in to the org. He had gone outside onto a four lane street and was walking on the yellow line. He was four or five at that time. Another time he was found walking down the street by a friend about 1/2 mile from the org. The friend asked him where he was going, and he said he was walking to his grandparents house (500 miles away). He brought him back to the org.

A few years later, I dont know exactly, my dad got in trouble and got himself declared. He was then pretty much out of our lives. Now that he wasnt around to stop my mom, she decided to join the Sea Org. She packed us all up and took the car to California to join the Sea Org, which she did.

This put me and my brother in the CEO (Cadet Estates Org), which at that time, was next to CCI, on Franklin and Bronson.

As we got a bit older, and I guess more independant, we kinda went off on our own. I do know that I hardly ever saw my mom. She was constantly being sent on mission. She would show up every few months or so and visit for a few days, on family time, then leave again.

I remember many times when she would come for family time and just sleep. Or just stare off into space. I asked her "what are you thinking about?" and she would tell me "post" and I would ask if she always thinks about post on family time, does she think about her family on post time? (thinking that maybe she thought of us sometimes? Maybe for a little bit?). No answer. I felt so ignored.

Anyways, I love my mother, and I forgive her, if she ever reads this. Unfortunately, I am sure she is oblivious to what she did and has done to her kids. (And what the Sea Org has done to her).

At one point, my brother managed to contact our father and he came to visit us every week! That was so cool! And then my mom was getting all sick and stuff and we wanted to stay and live with our dad for the rest of our lives!! And she got even sicker and then one day in the middle of the night we left the area and went back to LA. Never to see my dad again. She even cancelled child support from him.

So back in LA, with no real control of us, we pretty much did whatever we wanted. I had no idea how to get money so I learned how to steal from my brother. And we did alot of that. I also learned that if I sat on this guys lap for a while, he would give me money too. And another guy too would touch me with his hands and he gave me money too. I was oh, 10 - 13 years old through all of this. Where was my mom? I don't remember. I didnt even learn how to brush my teeth - nobody around taught me a thing. And if I couldnt find anyone to "earn" money from (as above), I could steal from vending machines, or the mexican wogs who made our food.

I am not claiming innocence in this. I am just telling my story. (But the church really makes you feel guilty and responsible for it!).

I was doing alright in school, except I remember one time a girl telling me that I was always wearing the exact same dress every day. I probably was. I didnt even notice. Also my hair was always tangled and I could not get it fixed and I had lice so many times. (I am NOT a disguisting bum, but it sure sounds like it!).

Later, I got sent to speech class, which REALLY upset me and I decided not to go to school anymore. I ditched like, oh 98% of the time. I remember many times they (my brother, my step dad and my mom) tried to get me to school. It is kinda humorous: My dad tried twice, first time he ran out of gas and didnt have enough money to get me to school and back to post, second time the car broke down. My brother brought me to the bus and watched me get on. He told me he would be there to pick me up when the bus returned me, to be sure I went. So when he turned around, I told the driver I had to go to BR, and ran out of the bus, spent the whole day roaming the city (after having stolen a box of snickers and started feeding them to all the neighborhood dogs). Then when it was time to pick me up, I was around the corner and as the buses unloaded, I just blended in with the crowd.

Yep, I missed as much school as I could. Any excuse was good for me: It was raining, the sun was shining, anything to get out of school.

I remember one time my friend invited me to her house. I stayed over for 3 months before my mom found me. I had stopped going to school entirely. She was pretty mad at me.

Ok, I was not the perfect child, but I had no-one but my brother raising me, if he was.

More later.

part III

1985 - 1988

Ok screw it. I will skip to Part III. Part II is too complicated to tell right now. I can't so I will skip for now and go to next part. Maybe later.

EDITED/ADDED: I forgot to add the battle of Portland in here - so I am going to insert it here. Sorry for any confusion. Ok so in 85 I was a kid still (teens) and there was a big briefing called to PAC base people. At that time, my mother and brother were also on the PAC Base, uncommon for us to all be there. Anyways, before the briefing I had this premonition that something was very wrong and i thought the church was getting closed down. I was kind of excited about it, cause I thought I would have more freedom. Oh well. So a big court case and anyone who could was to go down and protest. I thought we would be gone for a month. That was what I remember being told. Anyways, a little girl named Emma D'Abrey (I think her parents are now declared? Not sure. Last time I knew she was in the Sea Org at Flag somewhere) wanted to come with me. At the time she was 5 and I was a teen. Both of our parents allowed us to go by ourselves. Unbelievable but true. I was going to watch her. Our parents were staying in LA. As we were getting on the bus, we were interviewed by the media about why we were going. Poor Emma didnt know what to say. And I tried to say to defend freedom or something, I dont know. We got on the bus and I sat next to a girl who kept telling me that Prince wrote the song "Rasberry Beret" about her. Bus drive was 24 hours.

So we all got to Portland and started protesting, etc. I ended up meeting Jeff Pomerantz (the speaker voice at all the events, and other honorable whatevers) because one time he came up behind Emma and I while we were marching and he took Emma and ran off up the street. He said nothing to me. I ran after him cause I didnt know what the heck he wsa doing stealing a little girl. She was crying and scared. It was media on the corner and he wanted her on his shoulders for the shot. And that is little Emma. I caught up to them and saw who he was and told her it was ok, and to hold a sign up for the cameras. Shortly after that I think she was sent home, or I lost track of her. I dont remember. Anyways, we were sleeping on the gm floor at Delphi the whole time that we were there. I think there were thousands of people. I dont know. I kept getting my head stepped on by people who couldnt see me. We stayed up there about 2 months protesting and then came home. I remember one other time we were protesting and a WOG yelled out "Go home!!!" and Jeff said "This is our home until we win!!!" and that came our saying for weeks. I was embarrased to be there and embarrased about being a Scientologist. I didnt even really know what it was!

Around the time that I was about 15 I guess, while many kids were running out of control, and the CEO and Cadet Org were not really on the ball getting us under control, the CO CMO PAC took to a meeting of all the squirts running around, which included myself and my best friend (who had continued my earlier actions, mainly consisting of theft and ditching school). THe CO CMO PAC of the time is an Aussie or Kiwi (forgive me, for I cannot remember!) named Sue Bolstad. She gave us this whole speech about our lives and how we were all out ethics and stuff. She asked me how old I was and I told her I was 13. She said at that age, she was already Class IV and auditing and sec checking. Ok, long story short, we all got shipped off to the Cadet Org. We all got forcibly voluntarily joined (yes, incorrect grammar, so what?).

And so I started low in the group. I think they made me the E/O (LOL, I was so out ethics, who knows how I won that title, even for kiddies!). Then I moved up and ended up doing collections from Missions that Cadets did around the orgs. We used to sell Freedom Magazines, pass out TWTH books, handle backlogged filing, etc and the orgs would pay us.

Anyways, somewhere in there I stole like 13 dollars, or 30? Cant remember and they sent me to the CHildrens RPF. Ok. THat was weird. I couldnt talk to anyone, no music, movies, nothing. I used to just sweep the front yard all the time. I got stuck there for about a year.

THen some recruiter for the SO came by trying to get his stats up for Thurs morning. He tried to get this one guy to join, but he didnt want to go. So I said I would go!! Anything to be able to listen to music again!

And that was why I joined the Sea Org. So I could listen to music again. You gotta understand, I was a kid when I joined. Likely to young. I didnt understand what the heck I was doing.

I remember on the EPF, doing all this heavy work. And then the courses were hard for me. I took like 6 months to read KSW #1 and then I was finally ready for a star-rate and I was terrified, trying to remember the defs of all those big words!). And the person asked me the def of "had" and I couldnt define it. She told me to look it up, re-read the bulletin and call her over when I was ready.

I remember thinking "Ok, see you in 6 months". LOL.

I was taking too long on the courses and I think they reviewed my situation and determined that since I had done BSM, I didnt need a study tech course and I had done some form of ethics course, So I just needed to do the Welcome to the Sea Org tapes (no star-rates there! Yay!) and the Cleaning Course or something (easy star-rates). But there was nothing about teeth brushing in any of that....

And then for the physical labor: I was working in the galley and I hated it. I hated cleaning things with water. It would dry my hands out so badly they would hurt. And then they wanted me to open the grease traps and clean them out too. Man, they smell nasty! Gross! So the Bosun was telling me that he would not sign for me to graduate until I got over all that (he had a crush on me and asked me out earlier and I declined and maybe that was his big deal anyways).

Oh well, while he was on study, somene else signed off for him and I graduated, a FULL Sea Org member!!! Yay. Age: 15.

Part IV

1988 - 1991

One of the first things I learned in the Sea Org, because I was a receptionist, was how to handle process servers. I got drilled on it. (I guess there was alot of court stuff going on in those days). DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING THEY TRY TO GIVE YOU. Even if they shove it at you, hold your hands back and do not accept anything. Let it drop to the floor and do not touch it for any reason. They taught us different ways that they could try to trick you. I never met any of them. Too bad for me. Oh well. They made them seem like ogres.

I got tested in school while in the Sea Org to see where I was at educationally. They found out that I was fourth grade level. So they set to work on catching me up. Since I couldnt get out of it, I went with it. So I caught up in a year (I was never dumb, I just didnt like school). So that may be why I have decent literacy now (plus having done the BC - alot of words there too).

Anyways, I was on reception post for about 1 1/2 years, sending out promo and writing letters. THen I got to stealing again and they put me in the Big kids RPF. I was like 16 1/2 I guess? When I got busted, I figured I would be routed out, never even thought that I was going to the RPF. That suprized me alot. They made me sign a document that I was going voluntarily (which I didnt really understand all the big words in that. I was schooled but not a scholar or lawyer).

So I started running around, doing renos and learning how to audit. They gave me a twin who only wanted to get declared. She was intent on it! (She got her wish about 12 years later). Anyways, we tried to get each other through the program and audited each other. Dont remember too much about the auditing. So in 1991 there was the amnesty and everyone was off the RPF and we all went to Manor Hotel.

I remember poor Tim Harder (now declared) coming in to see the missionares there and they were telling him he had to make 200,000 dollars regging for Manor Hotel for the place to fund what was needed. I was trying to understand how in the heck anyone could get that much money together for Hotel Services for a hotel so small? He got busted because he got a hold of a bunch of credit cards and started charging them just trying to keep his stats in a decent range. It became an obsession to do a good job. As soon as it was discovered, he got declared and his wife divorced him.

Ok, its late. More later I guess. (This is only the first 5 years! My gosh. So much more to it!)


Part IV - A

May 1989 - Sept 1991

Well, I skipped out on a bit and just decided, what the heck, lets add it. It's the grand ol' RPF.

So that day that I got sent to the RPF, I signed some paper saying that I was voluntarily going. I was not. I thought I was going to be routed out. Oh well. I wish I were routed out.

Anyways, I learned how to audit, learned how to do renovations and build stuff. That part was cool.

But, as you already know from earlier parts of my story, I am really good at getting myself in trouble. And so, I ended up on the RPF's RPF. I think maybe twice or three times? I can't remember. Those were the good ol' days.

I got to clean rats alley every day. That is a place under the galley in the PAC building (the big blue one on Sunset/Fountain, etc in Hollywood). It is about 5 feet high, so you have to bend over to walk through it. It is huge. At that time, it was flooded with who knows what nastiness and so me and a couple others were down there cleaning/killing roaches. The walls were just covered in roaches. I finally figured out I could spray them with a hose with bleach pouring onto the spray and I would not have to get too close to them.

We also had to pound the solid concrete floor inside where the current CLO is (behind AOLA) for hours. That was where the old hospital used to do testing on animals and they put them on these concrete blocks in cages so they could turn on a shower to clean them all. That was so tiring.

And we had to dig out all the dirt for the parking lot across from the HGB to build the transformer building. I almost permanently damaged my back doing that. I was shovelling dirt all day long and the next day I could barely breath. My in charge checked out my back and told me it was all purple and swollen on one side. So I went to a Scn doctor and they told me that I ripped all the muscles in my back and dislocated two ribs! (I was 16 I think). I wonder if I had gone to a WOG doctor, what would they have thought of all that?

EDITED/ADDED: I just remembered while I was on the RPF's RPF, so was Sue Bolstadt. She was sent there for falsifying worksheets while on the RPF. I had to watch her all the time. She is a nice person when she is being herself and not acting all "ethics presence"-like. We had to go into the miles and miles of ducts above the galley and scrape off all of the grease. The ducts are so huge in many places you can walk standing up. Took us a long time to clean them out! So sad with Sue, she was really upset about what she had done (falsiying the worksheets) and she would take all these long laps on her study time. Because she was under watch, I would take them with her. It was fun, but I did not see her getting any therapy out of it. At that time, we were allowed to run around the base itself (PAC) and so we would spend like 2 1/2 hours running around the whole block. Good exercise. And later, after she was done, but I was still on RPF's RPF, and now I was under watch for some reason, can't remember why, I decided to take some laps too (but now we had to do them in the tunnel in the basement only). And so I ran and I ran and I ran. The person watching me could not keep up. so they tried to just catch me when I went by. But I was so sweaty they couldn't get a grip on me. Was funny at the time!

Oh - by then I was done with HIgh School. Right before I ended up on the RPF I did a test and passed and while I was on the RPF, I got my diploma. My grandparents sent me money in congratulations and all I could use it for was shampoo and stuff, cause I didnt have any money really for anything.

And so, we were doing lots and lots of building - mainly CCI. I helped on all the floors except the 7th and basement. Nice place. I even got really good at renovations.

I remember one time I had to walk from the HGB to PAC (About 3 miles, for those unfamiliar with LA area) in my black boiler suit and heavy boots. I must have looked so weird! I was only like 16 and I went with a couple others too. We must have scared people. But I was good at lip reading and I saw this guy say "watch this" to his friend. He came up to me and asked me if I was a Scientologist. I told him "yes" and his friend looked at him incrediously and said "how did you know?" And he told his friend, "Oh, ALL Scientologists wear black!". I remember laughing this off.

And so it went, got through all the auditing with my twin (got her to answer some auditing commands between "I wanna be declared" from her). And our folders were onlines for graduation. They came back saying that I had a long history of out ethics and it was not addressed and handled.

Right about then, I think Sept 91 (?), that article came out, in Time magazine I guess? And COB gave an amnesty to everyone. I later found out the church almost folded at that time. They almost lost everything and they had to do this to get out of it.

We were given the option to stay and complete the program or get the heck out and back in the Sea Org ranks. Anything to get out of that nasty boiler suit. So I did not get my ethics in and my twin did not get declared, her only wish.

Part V

1991 - 1996

So then I got posted shortly after that. I had to get trained rapidly to become a supervisor, so I did MCSC (Mini Course Sup Course) in a couple of days and then started to supervise the staff. That went on for many years. Except that I was also responsible for all other Qual functions for staff too. So it was hard to be a sup all day and still care for the staff, getting them in session and so forth. At first I tried really hard to do it all, then decided screw it. There was just no way.

I was supposed to be at a meeting every week and I never made it and my senior told me that if I did not show up, I would get declared. So what was I supposed to do? Not sup and get declared or sup and get declared for not being at the meeting? I ended up walking out of the courseroom and going to the stupid meeting. No sup for 45 mins or so while I went to this dumb meeting.

And my senior told me that I was killing the staff (literally) by neglect. One staff member died of cancer, which really affected me. I tried hard to do it all but it was really not feasible.

Also we had a mission in the org at one time and everyone had to get through some study stuff. Everyone had different schedules, so I had to have my courseroom open 24 hours a day for about a week. I was getting yelled at constantly, even while I was suping, which was distracting to the students. Every time a student did not show up, I was expected to get them, even though I was suping 50 plus other students. I hated that.

Right around this time I squeezed in my auditor and C/S training and became a Grad V C/S. I was still suping pretty much all the time, with my senior constantly on my ass about what a piece of useless junk I was and how I was killing the staff.

Somewhere in that same time period, two of the staff members went Type III (Insane) and had to be cared for constantly. They put together a seperate team to care for them. But I had to help on that to some degree too. I felt so bad for them. One of them was a BIG problem because he was violent, couldnt sleep and refused to eat. We tried in many ways to give him sedatives but he refused them. We finally put it in gel form and put in peanut butter sandwich and he ate it and then he figured out what we did and he went nuts all over again. Poor guy.

And sometime at one point I got a sup to help me. But he was kinda out there and didnt last long. After he sent a love letter to the Dir I & R (another male) saying he wanted to put LSD on paper to make him unqualled for the Sea Org so they could go out and be together, they kicked my sup out of the org. So then again I was stuck suping the courseroom.

Meanwhile, I met another guy in the org and we were going out. Then he wanted to break up cause he didnt want to stay in the Sea Org, but wanted to leave. Somehow we decided to get married anyways (just for sex, because no sex without marriage in there), and we were going to get divorced when he was leaving.

Soon after we got married, I ended up pregnant, because I did not know much about birth control. So we were trying to figure out if we should keep it or not. At that time, we would have been shipped to a Class V Org, not routed out. So we figured we could go. But then somehow decided not to do this. We did not have money for abortion, so I called my grandmother, who was not a Scientologist and lied to her and asked her for money, which she sent me. (Later she found out what it was used for, and was not happy about it at all). And so we went ahead with the abortion. While in the Sea Org, you are really made to think that these things are what you want. Was it? NO WAY IN HELL!!! I could have a 13 year old by now, but I have none. :mad:

This I think was the point that really affected me the most as far as the Sea Org was concerned. Abortion is no light matter. It is murder. When I did it, it did not feel that way to me. But within a couple of days, I regretted it so much. I don't know how my husband felt about it, we did not talk too much about it.

Anyways, we decided to stay together. For a while. But it was a constant back and forth battle with him: he wanted to stay married, no, get a divorce, no I was right for him so he was staying. A constant problem for me. And I put up with it for many years.

Soon after all this, I was doing more and more C/Sing and was not suping much anymore. I guess they found someone else to do that. I don't recall.

Then someone went into an org in Portland and shot 5 staff (one of them being a Sea Org member from Flag) and tried to burn down the building. So they needed people to get up there and get things under control. THey sent like 25 different people up there. Some were missions, some were to work on assists and things. So I got shipped up there and we were doing 24 hour care on those injured.

(Funny thing is that all the people who were shot and injured were staff - no public. I think that the org was void of public at that time - shows you that the orgs really are empty).

Sad thing was one of the people shot was 5 months pregnant and the bullet severed her spine and paralyzed her from the hips down. She was able to keep the baby and gave birth later. Unfortunately when she was shot, the babys brain stopped growing and when she was born she only had a brain stem. She lived about a year before passing away. The doctors said she would only live a few hours. So sad. She was a really nice person.

Meanwhile, the guy who did this was caught at the time and given a court case. He was considered mentally insane and was put in an institution I think (or deported - I can't remember to where - Africa or something I think). The problem with this person was known about for months too. He had threatened the org and San Francisco org on a number of occasions and weapons were found in his house and confiscated at least once. But someone lost track of him until he showed up in the org. :yikes:

More later.

Late 1996 (The Green Bay Packers won this year!)

(Sorry my post is so long - it's really a long story! We are only up to 1996 at this point.)

I remember the Sea Org member who had gotten shot was behind the reception area when he heard the shots and he came out of his office to see what was going on, and the shooter shot him, just missing his heart. He fell backwards and the shooter went in the other direction, up to the second floor to find more people. The Sea Org member knew he had to get out of the building, because he knew the shooter was still inside. So he got up and went outside. Then he laid on the ground in front of the org. The police came to try to talk the shooter out (who was in the fire stairwell that led to the outside front, with a hostage, the Treas Sec. He had already shot the ED, the D/ED, one Sea Org member and the PES - which was the pregnant one). The Senior C/S had heard the shots and went out a back door, breaking her ankle on the stairs. So the police told the Sea Org member that he was not in a safe place and he needed to move further down the street. He got up, walked further down, wiped off the sidewalk (so he would not get his uniform dirty) and laid back down until an ambulance came to get him.

The whole thing only lasted 10 minutes before the police got him out and got him to surrender. The shooter was arrested on the spot.

And we were all there to clean up the mess that ensued. The PES (pregnant one) was unconcious in the hospital. When we got there, her husband was there, with his brother too (an OT VII I think). And the husband decided that there was nothing he could do sitting around in the hospital, so he went out to sell Dianetics books. And we were set to do round the clock assists on her to get her back to conciousness. We used to come out to the waiting room to give updates to our boss so she could send all the info up the lines. But within 10 minutes of me giving information, it would show up on the local news. That was strange, but fun anyways. They promoted assist tech on the news. The PES was made to look like the victim and hero in the news, especially because she was pregnant. She finally woke up after about 24 hours I guess and the first thing after she found out that she was paralyzed and would never walk again was "can my desk be put on the first floor then?". All she thought about was going back to post (and the first floor is only a little lobby in the org, only space for reception and a lobby area).

Meanwhile, the Sea Org member was from Flag and we tried to contact the person over staff care there, and she was told what had occured and she said she would get back to me in a few days with C/S instructions. She got in a lot of trouble for that! Yeah, the boss called CO CMO CW and told her what was going on and we got C/S instructions in 10 minutes and the folder being sent out to us to get him going on a program. He was lucky he was not killed. The bullet just barely missed his heart. He took it as a wake up call to get moving up the Bridge.

The ED also was in the hospital but I did not deal with him much except to give a few assists to him as he was OT.

The D/ED did not even know that he had been shot until he was doing his police report in a local coffee shop and went to pay for whatever he ordered and found a hole all the way through his wallet. They found the bullet lodged in his hip (we all said it was his butt, but he insisted it was his hip. We were all joking about it).

Meanwhile and million Sea Org members from different parts came over for all kinds of things. Rallys to get people into the org, rallys to get people to Flag to get up the Bridge, CCI came for promotion to people with bugged cases, etc, etc, etc. Everybody jumped in, showed up, sent flowers and left.

Then the Senior C/S was ordered to Flag for correction and maybe auditing too. Not sure. So I had to stay and help out in the org for a while and everyone else was gone.

Meanwhile, when I had left to go there, my husband and I had decided to get a divorce. The same morning I got shipped off to handle this flap in Portland. So I asked my husband if we could hold off on any divorce papers until I got back. So he agreed. No rush. So then about a month after I was gone, he called and said he loved me and sent me flowers and decided that we should stay married and he wanted to tell me his realizations. And so we stayed together for a while.

Part VII

1996 - 1997 (ish)

So there I was, all by myself in Portland (well, all the staff were there of course too, but all the Sea Org members left). Helen, the one who had been shot, was still healing. She was at home. When she was shot, the bullet lodged in her spine and paralyzed her. It also stopped the baby's (she was pregnant) brain from growing). So sad.

So I was living in a motel with hardly anything to do except C/S a few folders a day, and visit with Helen and give her auditing and assists. She and her husband were so sweet.

Since my motel room had cable and I had nothing to do, I used to just stay there for a few hours and watch movies (then I started to notice they were all re-runs!), then go do assists and then wander into the org. I was lazy and lax out there. I was waiting for the C/S to return from correction.

So finally she returned and I went home, after three months or more being stuck there.

And my husband (of the time) welcomed me home, no longer wanting a divorce. And I went back onto post.

I remember one thing was that because I was working with Celebrities alot, I got to be involved in interesting things sometimes and meet people... you know what I mean... See, I dont mind talking about Scn here, but I feel that I cannot say things about the Celebs that came through (Some stayed on, some not), as that is there own personal life and I have nothing against them.

Funny thing, my world was so closed off in the Sea Org, they would tell me _____ is in the org, and you need to C/S, do exam, whatever, and I would be thinking "who the heck is that?". Then I would go to the store for something on time off and leaf through a People magazine and see a bunch of faces in there that I had just been involved with at work. That was weird. Some stayed on, some not. The ones that stayed on are pretty much open about being part of the religion. The others, I have to respect their privacy. They tried it, and it was not for them. Peace out.

I remember one time there was a BIG flap at CCI. A public who was 8 1/2 months pregnant was there trying to get help because her boyfriend would not marry her and she was about to deliver. He was Hawaiian and she was Asian (I think from Tiawan). Anyways, in that cultre, you CANNOT raise a child without a father. They had very different views about it. Anyways, the C/S (me) let him go, not knowing the whole situation and he left. So shewent up to the fifth or sixth floor of CCI and decided to jump. Luckily someone saw she was upset and followed her and barely stopped her. She got pulled back in and then all hell broke loose. The folders needed bottoms up FES, etc, etc. And I guess it was Marty Rathbun all over the C/Ses butts about what we were gonna do about it. This was my first direct experience with RTC. The other C/S was in total brainlock and the Senior C/S (Kathy Schobel) was out of it too. I dont know why or what happened to either of them, but they were mentally gone. I felt like I was in a slow motion movie.

Well, first thing was that the HGC C/S office was in a place where all of the pcs could see her. I suggested that she move down the hall so she would have a proper ivory tower. So she did, into my office. So then all the noise of this girls situation came down to my office. And Marty came in constantly to find out what was being done about it. And Angie(HGC C/S) had no answer. So I couldnt stand it anymore and I took it. I said I was going to bottoms up FES all of it. And so it went, all night, all day, all night until it was done. And he came back and I told him we FESed it all. and he said "what is being DONE about it?", and I said, uh, er, uh. Ok. He said figure it out and he would be back.

And so I programmed the folders and somehow the girl got labeled Type III and criminal (however she paid for auditing - the money was not clean - something about trading in Taiwan). And he came back and I told him the folders were programmed. (That is the C/Ses job, right?).And he again said "What is being DONE about it?". Ok he left again. Think, think, think.

Ok, I got it. I brought the MAA (Ethics dude) up there and told him to do a non-enturbulation order on the guy. And so he did. And Marty came back and asked me what was done (The other C/S was sitting in the office all this time, not doing anything on this problem. Meanwhile, I am fixing it, not getting any sleep, and she is ripping off my husband behind my back) and I showed Marty the non-enturbulation order and he said "that is just a piece of paper, what is being DONE about it?" Ok, ok, ok. He said I have 30 mins to figure it out and he would be back.

And so I figured it out. Programmed the guy for sec checking, ordered him back. Got the MAA to get him on the next flight out, or he would be declared. Set up videoing the sessions (which is easy, cause all the auditing rooms are bugged) and assigned the best auditor, who had to get all other pc's off her board. All done in 20 mins. And Marty came back and I told him what was going on and he said "great! Over to you". And that made me proud. Until I realized I got the lower conditions for this, even though it was not my post. I stayed up 3 days straight, though it was not my problem. What a load of hoakie. I got the short end of the stick in that!:mad:

(I forgot to mention CCI had gone St Hill Size in 92 or so and because of that, I got my OT Levels up to OT IV there, before all of this above. I had attested to Clear on the RPF in 90's or so).;)

1994 - (during the time of all the big earthquakes in LA)

My story goes backwards here:

For some reason, no matter what I would try to do, the Chief Officer there was convinced that I was trying to kill the staff and if it weren't for her intervening, they would all be dead by now. If that were the case, why in the heck did she even keep me on the post?

I was stuck supervising the courseroom (you are talking about a Saint Hill Size org that actually managed to maintain its size, AND expand, plus another org: the Manor Hotel, all of which I was supposed to service. That is like 300 people with only one of me, most of the time!).

Anyways, the medical of the staff was also my job. I only got enough funding to buy the vitamins and maybe one doctors appointment for someone, or dental which was the absolute lowest priority of the org). And I was suping the courseroom three periods a day. I used to close it down from 330 - 600 and take a nice long nap in the courseroom or in my auditing room. Almost got caught a few times.

Then one of the supervisors, Natalie Ellis (bless her heart), got very ill and we brought her to the hospital and they said she had colon cancer, stage IV (how in the heck did it get that advanced without he saying anything, I wonder in retrospect). I didnt know a thing about cancer at the time and they had told her that they could try chemo and she refused. I had no idea what to do. Anyways, she ended up in intensive care and I went to see her daily (I think I used to go mid afternoon cause I was still having to sup!).

Anyways, some flap happened and I missed going to see her and the Chief Officer ripped me a new one for that. Looking back, she was right on that. I dont want Natalie passing away by herself in a cold hospital bed. And so things were re-arranged and I was seeing her most of the time.

Then we found out she was really not going to make it. It was time to make her comfortable (please forgive me if I sound cold hearted, this is how I was raised to be in the Sea Org, I could NOT cry, and still dont, even though Natalie was a close friend to me and my brother and was our nanny when we were kids. So sad for me!!!). Anyways, the Senior C/S and Chief Off came to visit Natalie, and as part of their conversation, they told her it was ok to go. Her, remembering that these were her seniors, she said she was going to get well, she was going to make it go right!!! (Her entire intesine system was gone by this point, because of the cancer).

So they left, and I stayed. I talked to one of her doctors and they said they were going to do a surgery on her that would take 8 hours and they were not sure that she would survive it. They went into all this detail. I finally went over to Natalie, and, very nicely, explained it to her what they were about to do. Once she understood, she knew that it was not going to happen, and that it really was ok for her to go. Now she wanted to find where she would go next. And we talked about it and arranged it with a pregnant mother (I dont know if I beleive in all of this part, though what happened was kinda cool here....). Anyways, later that evening I was in the lobby of the building where we all lived talking to my best friend about Natalie and we both felt something at the same time. I found out later it was the same time she passed away. I just felt like she was at peace.

In the Sea Org for over 20 years, she only made it to Clear, but she was dedicated to the cause. So sad. May she always rest in peace.

But then about 2 years later, I saw the child of the person we had arranged for her to go to. She was crawling up a set of stairs I was coming down. I had never seen her. She looked up at me and said "hi, ____ (my name)". I said hi back of course, as if that was totally normal.

And then there was another story of a security guard who was at home ill for days with a headache. He could barely move. I thought this was odd that he would be so weak from a headache, so I sent him to the doctor. And I got a call from Dr Sheilds within minutes of him arriving there. She said I need to rush him to the hospital, he had lost so much blood he was going to die within an hour if he did not get a blood transfusion.

I couldnt drive or anything, so I had to race around to find a way to get him to the hospital. There was one down the street from the doctors office, but we always went out to the county hospital, because it didnt cost very much. Man, that sucks, the thinking!!!

Anyways, he made it ok. He had been bleeding for days and did not tell me. They fixed him up.

And then another staff member, a child, was our Director of Communications. Her thyroid did not work properly and she had to be on medicine for that. I did not know a thing about it, and sometimes I did not have the money to buy her medicine, because the org did not give much for staff care (like maybe 200 - 400 per week, for that size crew, is about a buck each). And so next check up for her, the doctor is calling me again, telling me about her condition. She HAS to have the medicine, her thyroid doesnt work at all, and she will be dead within a year without the medicine. And I made sure she always got it.

And another time (actually, this person is the sister of the Dir of Communications, her mother was the CO OSA Germany or something I think). I remember the whole org went to staff meeting and I was for some reason excused and I decided to stop by the market before going home, across the street from CCI. There was an ambulance there and I happened to look in and saw a staff member in there! She was a kid but still she was on staff. I tried to get information and they would not give me any information. I told them that I would be able to get a hold of her parents and please let me know where she was going to be taken.

Long story short, she had drunk a bottle of rubbing alcohol and then she called 911 and as part of it, she told them that she did not want to talk to anyone from the church and asked them to help and protect her and then they came and got her. They pumped her stomach and got her checked over. They would not talk to anyone at all until her father arrived and they would talk to him (mother was in Germany). They kept her there for a while and made sure she was ok, and her father of course refused any psych evaluation and they got her out of there. And if I remember right, there was a whole inspection from Child Protective Services or something. I am sure that we had to fix a bunch of things. I think after that, no kids worked in CCI. And, I ended up doing her auditing on her.

She cause me problems in my own life too. She stole money in the org from letters coming in, some of which were from my family and that caused a lot of trouble and upset with my family because I didnt get the letters and they just thought I was ungrateful. So sad. Made me mad. Oh well, I got over it, my family has not. I cant tell them that.

I had so much trouble on that post. I really hated it. And everyone hated me too, because there was no way I could get it all done.

Oh yeah, the fricken' earthquake! I forgot about that! Ok, next time I will do that.


the Earthquakes in LA

1989 and 1994 earthquakes (tons of aftershocks in 94, too!)

Ok, sorry to bounce around, but there you go. My memory "ain't" perfect... ee hee. So why not, the earthquakes in LA.

First of all, prior to the 1989 earthquake, I was in the Cadet Org and I was in the yard praticing front flips. There was a mat on the ground where we were doing the flips. There were two of us.

Then Ronnie Miscavige came to see his son, who was in the Cadet Org. Ronnie was dressed in full dress whites. He saw what we were doing and came over and did a cool front flip and then immediately he walked into the building and did not see what I did. I decided I wanted to try that! And so I did. I did the flip ok, but I landed on my tippy toes and forgot to catch myself. So my rear hit my ankle and I heard it break. Didnt hurt too much, but freaked me out.

Because I was a minor, my mom had to take me to the hospital. I dont know if she was mad or joking, but she told me I interrupted her dinner. Anyways, I got a cast on.

And I broke it like 3 more times while in the cast - I heard it and so did others. I would slip on the crutches and catch myself on my foot and it would break again. That was frustrating!

Anyways, after 3 weeks, I got sick of the cast and decided to take it off myself. And I did, though it was not easy! (they say dont put it in water - ok I did, didnt help one bit).

Walking after that was so fricken' painful!!!

THe way our berthing was set up, it was mothers with their kids. My mom had a lower bunk, while mine was third level. So I used her bed for a while until I got the cast off. Then went back to my bed, third level.

But I wasnt fully healed on my foot. And the earthquake of 89 came - that was a BIG one. Shook everything!! I did not know what to do. I jumped off my third bunk, man did that hurt! And we ran outside (we later found out that is very dangerous to do). I thought I broke it again, but we did not get it checked out. I remember being outside with my mom and the aftershocks kept coming. I couldnt put my foot down because it was so painful and the ground shaking did not help. So I was standing on one foot for a while.

Anyways, after that, the building inspectors came and said that the building we were staying in sunk 4 feet and was too dangerous to live in. So then they sent out some mission to find new berthing, which is where they found the Anthony Building (Normany and Fountain Ave). The building was made out of twigs and was a piece of crap (they still own it). I heard that the person who purchased it (researched it) got majorly busted and RPFed for it. Sad.


Jan 94 earthquake:

I was in CCI in charge of staff welfare (good luck with that!). The erathquake hit at about 3AM, while everyone was asleep. It was scarier than the first one, cause this one was during the dark. THe other was nearly daylight when it hit. Anyways, some of the walls fell in the building we lived in (on Wilcox Ave). We all got under doorways, etc, then evacuated the building. It was pitch black outside. We couldnt see a thing! All the lights in the city were out too. Only light was from some large explosion miles away.

And so I was supposed to be in charge of getting everyone calmed down. OK. Whatever. I got people to give each other locationals (must have looked crazy to the locals! There was a post office across the street from our berthing and we were all in their parking lot, including "WOGS").

Then it looked like we had two broken ankles and one girl needed a tetanus shot. So I went to the hospital with these guys. Only sprains and one shot and all done.

And so I went to CC. By this time, the sun was just coming up. I looked up at the roof and you could see a HUGE slab of concrete (was one of the chimenies -sp? ) ready to fall through the building. It was just about to tip over. They got a crane out there to get it off the roof (8 floors up) and put it in the alley. That cost $25,000.00 to do.

At that time, I had a supervisor under me (the crazy one who wrote that letter to the Dir I & R). He came up to me and told me that all of the pc folders had tipped over, public, staff, all, in archives and the whole place was just a huge pile of papers! He was laughing about it, which really pissed me off. All the OT folders too.

And so I spent about a week down there putting everything back together, along with the person who was to become my future husband. (who, I may add, is a sweet guy and I have no ill will towards him).

One more story here, sorry to rewind in time, but these are fun to tell (hope they are interesting read too...)

Back in the RPF days (approx 1990), we were working on building a concrete shed for the transformer to go in for the HGB building (the one one Hollywood Blvd). I was 16 at the time and concrete pours were new to me.

I remember that we had put up all of the forms and tied all of the rebar and then trucks started coming, pouring the concrete. It took a while to fill the thing up. And just as the last drops were poured, our bus pulled up and we all had to go. Everyone else had already left onto the bus and I was by myself, with a couple of contractors. I told them I was done and leaving and they told me that the concrete had to be leveled. I argued that I had to leave. I had to be on that bus, or I would have to walk 3 miles back in a black boiler suit with concrete all over it (that would have looked pretty strange!). He told me I had to do it. We argued for a few more minutes and then out of nowhere, the ground started shaking!! ALot. Enough to level the concrete.

And so I checked it and sure as sh*t it was level! He laughed and told me to get out of there! I jumped out of my boots and made it onto the bus.

So if the ground inside the transformer is not level guys, Comm Ev the San Andreas Fault. Peace out.


1997 - 1999

Ok jumping back to returning from Portland. I was a C/S. My offical post was Staff C/S, but I also C/sed Purif (in SH size org, we always had a full Purif), Div 6 (Which actually had posted auditors in it) and Student C/S (which had co-auditing AND pro auditors going tup the Bridge.

C/Sing job was pretty easy and smooth for me. I did have to do the Golden Age of Tech line up. I got my TR's pass pretty quickly, but Metering, oh my god. What a mess!!!! 8 months trying to get a stupid video pass. That SUCKED. Always flunking and flunking. I felt like an idiot. I could not figure out why it was so hard to call reads properly and get a pass. Hansuli Stahli (he was the RTC REp) used to come by and listen to me and he told me several times he loved my TR's. But I could never pass the dang thing!

Oh - there was another brief Portland visit in here again: A staff member from Delphi (the female with last name Nosko) got into a fight with her husband and went drinking and drove her car on a bridge and flipped her car and it slid right over her, killing her instantly. I had to go up there and audit the husband and calm things down. I think she had just been at CCI for auditing, not sure. Maybe he had just been at CC. Can't remember for sure. But I was only there for a couple of days. We had to audit the dad and two kids.

I remember her daughter was there too - at that time, she was in CMO CW. She did not seem very upset about her mother dying so dramatically. It was weird, like tose spaced out eyes, you know.

Back in LA here:

Anyways, one day I was told there would be a meeting the next morning at 10AM in the conference room and I had to be there. We had found out on a grapevine that they needed to man up the Universe Corps/New World Corps so I assumed that I was going to need to do some case data sheets.

And as sure as a clock ticks consistently, that morning my husband at the time went into doubt about being married. Ok, I was sick of it. I told him we could get a divorce. THat was fine. I hated feeling like I just couldnt live up to what he wanted.

Anyways, down to this meeting. I brought a bunch of case data sheets, thinking that some people would be being transferred or something. Anyways, we went down there and the CO CMO PAC was there (I forget her name) and she told us in a nutshell that I was going to be leaving for a special project and so was Matthew Veenker. Both of us were OT. At that time, I was OT IV and he was mid OT V. He was the Deputy LC or the LC. I can't remember. THis shocked all of us. We were totally not expecting that!

Since I did not know what the future held, my husband of the time came to visit me to find out about the meeting. I told him I would be going. I asked if we could just stay married just to keep our belongings together long enough until I figured out what was happening and where I was going. He agreed (shows you how serious marriages are in the Sea Org...)

And so we were shipped over to the HGB to start training. They put me back onto metering and were planning to send me to Flag for training. So I goofed off for a while, trying to get through that stupisd video again. No luck with that. Meanwhile, we were writing RTC daily about our transfer being off policy, etc. It went nowhere and we were basically informed that this was ok with our own org and that would be what would be done, period. Congratulations, etc.

Anyways, so then we got approved for Flag and arrived there. Ok cool. Senior C/S Int did my TIP and told me I did not need to redo my TR4 video. So I passed Upper indoc the next day. THen passed metering 2 days later (they wanted to have me do a few drills first before they would let me video).

I then went onto the Certainty COurse for Class IV. Senior C/S Int came through the check out the courseroom. They had just called break and I got up to leave. Senior C/S Int stopped me and asked me what I was doing in the Academy. (He had just TIPed me - my individual study program two days before or so) I told him that I was doing my certainty course. He had a funny look on his face. I told him that I passed my metering and TRs already and this was my next course. He looked at me like he could not believe it.

(You gotta understand: My Flag training was extremely smooth until the very end. I NEVER had trouble getting through courses there. )

So that course took me 3 weeks. THen I went onto my internship. So then I got my checkouts and they put me in the chair. I remember that they wanted me to video. So they told me to go knock on this door and get a video going on the session. So I did that. THen after the session, I picked it up and brought it down to the sup.

THey always wanted the auditors to watch their videos. I did not like to do that. They wanted me to sign that the TRs and Metering were all good. Sure they were fine. So I signed and left it to be watched by the sup.

And I wanted to go back in session and video again. So I knocked on that door to get another one going, and she asked me if I had already done correction on my last one, and I said I didnt know if it was ok or not. She said I needed to find out before going back in session or revideoing. And so I ran down to the INternship again and found out that my video went to RTC! My first session video went up like that!! That was unheard of.

Well, it came down a flunk because of one read being called the wrong size. But everything else perfect. So I drilled a bit and did another video and that one passed. I finished my Class IV Internship in 3 weeks. I was done. It was a 4 week checksheet. That was unheard of. :cool:

Then I did Cl V Certainty, which only took a couple of days. Then I went to my intership. I remember videoing and I knew it would pass. The Qual guys and the execs got the idea that I could pass quickly and when I said I had a good one, it really was a good one. So I said that and somehow that video got lost. They searched everywhere for it for hours. I didnt think it was any big deal. Big whoop. I could just make another one. Their collective jaws dropped on that. I did another one and it passed. I did not have any trouble passing session videos there.

And right about that time, the big bosses decided I should do Class VI, instead of the Class V Grad line up. And so I went over onto Class VI.

Meanwhile my husband of the time decided that maybe I was worth keeping and wanted to stay married. And I foolishly agreed. (I loved him but we had too many ups and downs).:confused:

More later...

Part IX


So then I was routed onto the BC. And I knew it would take at least a year. I was trying to get back to LA quickly, but that was not the high-ups plan for me.

Since I was studying theory all day, that was just driving me crazy, with no real work to do (I did not have to do work study like some have because - well, I dont know why actually. Either it was paid or we were from higher org and too bad, so sad. I don't know).

Anyways, my boss at the time, the CO NWC CW needed his Grades and he asked me to audit him. I thought that would be fine. Get someone up the Bridge and I would get out of reading and listening to tapes ALL DAY, which was driving me nuts. (I found out later by another BC grad that when he did the course, they somehow had the tapes rigged to play faster and he got through the course in 1/2 the time!). Also during this I somehow ended up with another pc who I audited for a while: Misclaviges niece. (that is a whole nother story that I may say another time. Not about her as a pc, but everything surrounding it. That was crazyness).

Anyways, I was auditing away, while doing my BC Levels, completing all of them ahead of checksheet time.

Somewhere in there I decided to take a day off, which I did not do very often. At the time, I didn't think anything bad of my plan, but it sure backfired badly. I was going to just go on a bicycle ride with my boss (who was male). It was innocent to me. I dont know if it was to him. Oh well.

Well, we did do the ride, and stopped and had lunch somewhere, then went to a movie. This whole thing REALLY upset his wife. If it were me, it would not have. But I am uninclined to jealousy, and that may be why. I don't know. Anyways, I also mentioned it to my husband, who was still trapped in LA on post. He hung up on me. I thought maybe the phone disconnected and I called him back. He told me that he hung up when he heard that I went out with another guy for the day.

And then I think I had to get ethics interviews about it.. and all this stuff. Nothing fricken' happened!!! (On the day when we can fully trust each other, there will be peace on earth - - - and until then, be jealous, kill maim and torture anyone you feel like). Lol.

So then I was like really pissed off about it. Screw these people. What was the big whoop. I guess its a big deal. I never saw it that way. It started to eat away at his marriage. She was upset I was auditing him, etc. My husband didn't like it too much either now.

So then shortly after that, he wanted to talk to me. I wanted to not have anything to do with him. He was my boss and I had to work with him, and I didnt want anyone getting any ideas that something was going on when it was not. So anyways, he wants to talk to me, ok. We are in the library in the Coachman Building and he tells me that he is in love with me and that he wants to divorce his wife. I remember thinking "is this my result of auditing?" Man, it upset me. I told him that I was not interested and that I just wanted to get through my training and go home.

But now this situation was getting out of control, with alot of distrust about us. And at the same time I was writing and talking to my husband, with little to no response from him. Something changed in him at that time. When you lose the trust, its really hard to get it back.

So then I decided "screw it" and went all out. So me and my boss had a little "affair" that lasted about 2 weeks I guess (no sex, just what they call "heavy petting").

Meanhwhile, I finished my theory on the BC and I was ready to audit. Level O is super-long with alot of requirements. And so I was auditing 40+ hours per week, working to get through my checksheet.

And then the new BC was going to get released. And they were looking for people that could be sups for the BC in different areas. And the UC training pool was full of BC people (most of us towards the end of the BC). All of the positions had been filled, mostly by the UC (PAC, UK, ASHO) and only ANZO was left.

I thought it would be kinda cool to go to ANZO, but then I really didnt want to go. I just thought it was wrong to take apart the UC like that. What about the staff and the Saint Hill size orgs?

There was a lot of talk and alot of my refusal. I finally said if they show me something approved in writing from Senior C/S Int office, and they got my husband also transferred (I knew if I didnt get that done while I had the big wigs trying to get me to do something, that it would never get done). Anyways, he showed up within a week for training at Flag, and I gothe letter from Senior C/S Int Office and I moved on, away from the Universe Corps.

Anyways, I was transferred to ANZO, after a LOT off back and forth, which I created, being unwilling to go, not wearing the uniform, etc. Meanwhile, I was still getting through my training. I remember the Qual Sec running in and saying "where is your passing video?". See, I had to get an RTC pass on Level O and Level P. I said "right here" and handed her a video. She left. It passed that night.

Meanwhile, after 10 pm, since I could not audit, they were having us do other parts of our training, such as the sup course and Internship, seeing the newly done tech films, getting Fully Hatted, etc. We got through the line up.

Then I passed my Level P. And completed the entire BC. And then Class IV C/S Course - I can't remember if they had me do that again. But we all had to do it, so maybe. Or they let it slide.

Oh - also in the middle of the BC I wanted to do the CCRD Course (auditor training to determine if a person had attained the State of Clear). And I squeezed that course in too and did a few CCRD's while there. That was alright.

Somewhere in here I also finshed Class VI INtership. I barely remember it though. We were doing such long hours - 7 am to midnight to get through all the training on time.

So then we were all supervising in the BC Co-audit space. And the Rep was behind us, watching what we were doing. Unfortunately (I guess) for me, the guy that I had the affair with was being audited at the time in the room. And he had a dirty needle and the auditor was not following it up. We had a listen-in system and I was supposed to have her follow it up. I didnt do a good job (because in my mind, I was under separation order from him or something and should not be around him). Anyways, the Rep caught on to something being wrong and put me in an ethics interview. (The ironic thing is, the meter was faulty and he really did not have a dirty needle. It was just showing up on the sup emeter as dirty, when it actually was not - it was clean the whole time on the meter the auditor was using. It was something about the connection between the meters or something).

The interview lasted all day and was done in a back room with an auditor trying to floow up on who knows what - a dirty needle I think they told me. She was not getting anywhere, and I was not saying anything. It was obviuos the "auditor" (really it was an ethics interview) was mad at me. At one point we went to have lunch and it was hot dogs and I did not feel like eating. She started to yell at me and tried to force me to eat. I ate a little and then back to the interview.

And the Captain FSO came in and told me that I had a non-enturbulation order out on me and I was about to get declared (I should have just taken her up on the offer to save time).

I finally said that I wanted to tell my husband. They did not really want that, but I convinced them, saying that they would have everything on camera anyways, so who cares if I told in an ethics interview or where. And they brought my husband over. Before he came in (I found out later), the Captain FSO got right in his face and told him that I had done some very out ethics things and then loudly and sternly told him "keep your TR's IN".

He came in (while I was waiting for him, I wrote a letter to the wife of the guy I cheated with, apologizing to her for everything). So I told my husband what happened and then we discussed our marriage, what would happen to me, etc. We determined that I would do the RPF, and he actually told me that he would wait for me. And he did actually. (I feel really bad for him, because he really was a sweet guy and did not deserve the treatment I gave him. I eally felt like I was doing it against the Sea Org, not him. But it really hurt him and that was not good from me to do that).

So an order came down that I had to be off the base by sunrise. By this time, it was already 10 pm or so. So they put me in this security office and I waited. They came in and told me that I had to pay for my flight home. No way. I politely told them no fricken' way (I knew on the RPF I would be broke and I had to save whatever pennies I had left). They figured it out. And they sent someone with me to escort me to the RPF, for my second round.

And I was transferred back to NWC, and my husband got himself transferred to CLO WUS.

And I was Back in Black, I hate to say it, but you know its good to be back (AC/DC?):o

Part X

1999 - 2000

(Oh yes, Mate. there is more to it... just sit back...)

So now I was back at the PAC Base, routing back into the RPF. Alex Meyer is/was the RPF I/C and he interviewed me, basically to see my state of mind, where I was at on agreement with the assignment, and to check for any medical conditions that he would need to know about. (For the most part, I think that Alex and the deputy were pretty nice, compared to the earlier RPF I was part of, though there were times I really didn't think so...).

So I was put on the decks and I was working in finishes, staining wood all day long, and doing my courses at night. One thing I remember was we used to do alot of projects that we would have no idea what they were for, and sometimes we never found out. One was called the "cherry project". Called that because we had no other name. It was the type of wood that it was being made out of. We had some tight time targets to get all this stuff made. We made everything you could imagine - bookshelves, tables, computer tables, conference tables, etc, etc, etc. The cherry project, towards the end, was getting hectic. They needed everything NOW!!! And it was all hush hush. We tried to figure out what it was for. It was SOOO much furniture. And it all went out on a truck to who knows where. We later found out it was loaded on a ship and went to Germany. Hamburg Org. All of it.

And there was another project where they made some furniture out of some strange looking wood - it was a yellow color. And it had to be made flawless. There were a couple of chairs made - kinda like throne-style I guess. They had strips of perfectly square wood lined up on the back. We had to sand them oh so carefully - they wanted it so that when the light hit the chair, the shadow would be perfectly straight and square on the floor. We spent SO much time on these chairs. And they left (I assume uplines?).

Anyways, while in my training, I noticed that the students did not know what an instant read was and they were not calling them correctly. So I called over the sup to get it corrected, suggesting that they go see the film again. He asked me to help him because he did not know what an instant read was either. Anyways, I wrote it all up to RTC (and the D/RPF I/C asked me why I didnt just let him know). So then I ended up on a mini project to get all of the techies through instant read videos. I think everyone had to do it. And so I was no longer on the decks.

Meanwhile, I was twinned up with Angelo Scozzi, who was the Captain AOLA, who basically commited a felon I believe which ended him up on the RPF, to get through the program. He was audited outside of the program first, to get all the information on what he did, and all of that was taken out of his pc folders and kept somewhere else. All the info on what he did was kept confidential (I knew what it was, but not many did).

At the time, he was OT V and I was OT IV. That meant that he would have to audit me on whatever review I needed, then Elig and start me on OT V. And so he did. Meanwhile, I really did not want to start OT V. But the plan was they wanted me to get him through the program, and it was decided and that was the end of that. And so my Elig went through pretty smoothly (yes, it had to go through RTC, just like everyone else). And I was started on OT V.

I had a rough go of it too. I did not understand the material and I got really upset in session and could not control my emotion. I did not know what the heck was going on and the indoc really upset me. And my twin was not an auditor really and just did not know what to do. And this is where Dan P. came in as my sup. He helped out a few times in the sessions, and got me through some rough spots.

And there was another Solo NOTS C/S there, Matteo Galbiati, who needed a twin. (Why the heck he was not twinned with Angelo in the first place, I really dont know). Anyways, Matteo decided to trio with us and after a while, got this approved. So Matteo was auditing me, I audited Angelo and Angelo audited Matteo. This went on for most of the program.

At first I was doing FESing, instead of decks, then they made me a Cram Off, which I loved doing. I loved helping the auditors getting corrected. It was cool cause there was no politics in it. It was just straight up correction. And they seem to think I was doing a great job. The C/Ses got auditors back who could audit, and it improved the stats, so everyone was happy.

Then somehow I ended up with a review pc, Karen Rossouw, who was having a very rough go at keeping a twin. Anyways, her last auditor was more than happy to turn her over to me. Her pc folder was a mess, with so many things started and not completed. She had been red tagger for like a month straight or something. It was sad. I did get her red tag off after a couple of sessions and I tried to help, I did get her through one FPRD Form later.

During this, I was ready for the last step of the RPF program, which was called the final assessment. You had to read off these 10 lines or so and have no reads or dirty needles or anything. This would go up with your request for final approval to graduate the program. Karen, my review pc, was not doing well at the time and I was told that I would not be allowed to graduate until she was in a better state. This really pissed me off, because Karen had 20 plus years of messed up auditing, and I came in way late on it, trying to help her, and I was being punished for it. I screamed at the RPF I/C about it and told him to find another auditor for her, because I just felt that was bullsh*t!:mad:

And I went downstairs to the famous tunnels and ran into the C/S office where my twin was and told him that I was fricken sick of it all and I was GETTING OUT!!! I ran out, he came chasing after me, into a stairwell. He managed to stop me and we were talking about what happened. There were some chairs down there and I was throwing them and screaming at the top of my lungs (in the tunnels, you can't hear any of it upstairs or outside). Anyways, he managed to calm me down.

Anyways, I ended up comtinuing to audit her, on the advice of my twin, who said he would help me to debug her.

She had been on the ship in the 70's and told me about the chain lockers and throwing overboard that would go on. She had some cool stories, actually.

A sad thing, bless her heart, was when her brother took to cancer and he was not going to make it. He did not want to see Karen. I dont know the whole story, but it appeared that she did not know that he did not want to see her. And they found ways and reasons why she could not visit. I dont even think she went to his funeral. He did not want her there. And I was in the middle of all that. So sad for her!

Soon after, it was decided that she would be routed off staff, because she could not manage to get and keep a twin to audit. So I had to do a sec check on her. And it was rough, and she was routed out. I saw her later and she looked like she was doing better and she was happier.

Meanwhile, Matteo and I had a little thing going on (gross out ethics if you ask anyone there, right?) We were attracted to each other. My husband hardly wrote more and a couple of sentences to me, though he was still waiting for me, I guess. Matteo and I got to the point where we decided if things got bad, we could just take off together.

In the middle of all that, he kept having fainting spells and he had to go to the hospital. He ended up needing a pacemaker for his heart. And so we would make regular visits to the hospital.

We were really close to the end of our program and all hell broke loose. Matteo had a fainting spell, even with the pacemaker in, and I freaked out and wanted to go to the hospital with him. They wouldnt let me. Things were getting really rough for me in the RPF and I did not want to be there anymore. I wanted to blow with Matteo that night, and I think they figured out something was really wrong. So then they seperated us.

Matteo went to the hospital and then came back to rest. They would not let me see or talk to him. I knew they would bluff him telling him that I had told all (as they did with me at Flag), so I tried to get a note to him, when giving back his cigarettes to him. The MAA caught it and caught us.

So the whole story came to light and we all ended up on the RPF's RPF. Me, Angelo and Matteo. But in this case, Matteo and I became major enemies. We were hating each other. Now the seperation for us was to protect each other from the other. We were ready to be at each others throats. We were blaming each other for what happened. And of course, in every situation, the other is guilty while "I" am innocent! And so it went.

Angelo and I finished the RPF's RPF together and left Matteo behind to fend for himself.

Part forgotten, but never forgotten for me

Approx 2000? Really dont remember....

This is part of something that happened while in the RPF, second time. Note that there are a ton of stories related to others that I have, which I have not mentioned. This one is just an addition to my story.

One fine day I was working on decks. I overheard someone say something about John Mustard having back pains. John Mustard is a very, very close friend of mine. We used to hang out all the time. He was like my father, I guess, though he had his own, other kids, he did not mind taking me on too. He was working at the Manor Hotel at the time.

I knew that something was horribly wrong. I ran up to see the RPF I/C and begged him to find out for me. He said he didn't think it was a big deal, with a back pain, whats the deal. I was VERY upset and he knew it would be best to just check and make sure. So he did. And I was called to his office very shortly after. John had kidney cancer. I was so upset about it.

Despite being trapped in the RPF, they actually approved for me to go see him. I was in good graces at that time on the RPF (And Alex Meyer ain't really a bad guy. He has a heart).

So I went to see John. He was so emaciated (John, for those who don't know him, is quite tall and had a little or not so little pot belly). He could barely talk or move. This was advanced cancer. He had pills he was supposed to take and he wasn't taking them, he didn't even have them. I wrote up a report because he wasn't being cared for. I was really upset about it.

If I could, I would have given one of my kidneys to him. I was so late seeing him. I think after he saw me, he died within days. I was so angry and frustrated.

(And earlier than that, Carol Monroe had died of brain cancer, and Allen Hubbert died of cancer too. I think his was brain cancer). Both Allen and John were like father figures for me. Allen was more my auditor though, but John I had known for 15 years or so and this one really pissed me off (I couldnt cry, and still havent been able to).

Please, if past lives are real, can't he come back to me? He is someone I miss more than anything.

So they let me go to his funeral and oh yeah - I cried and cried and cried then. I remember I couldnt stop! (Thats right! I forgot about that). His wife/widow spoke at his funeral - she was hardly ever around because she was uplines and he was not so they were not together much.

I was supposed to talk to her I guess, I dont know. I couldn't talk to anyone. I felt like I was the only one crying for him! Everyone else had their damn TR's IN!!! What the f*ck is up with these people?!?!? (Ok, breathe, breathe, calm down girl).:grouch2:

Anyways, I went to see RPF I/C again and asked if I could send her (the widow) a letter and would he let it go through (we were not allowed to originate communications, but were allowed to respond to communications to us, and she had never talked to me). Anyways, he was nice enough to let me do that. I wrote her a really long heart-felt letter and she responded and we ended up becoming pretty good friends for a while there. After I finished the RPF, she was on (she got sent there sometime after his death) and I kept in constant touch with her, checking on how she was doing and her progress and so forth.

Ok, that brought back some tough memories....

There was a build up of so many things, which are coming out slowly but surely here, that led to me getting out, in any way that I could. And it was intentional, getting out how I did. And that made people mad. What can I say?

SO MANY people dying of cancer in my life. Is that because I am SP and I did that? If you ask the church, that is what they might say.


Part XI

2001 - 2002

Ok, so my RPF twin and I got ourselves all back together and got back in session auditing each other through the RPF program, fixing up errors and so forth.

Matteo got twinned with Jill Graham (bless her heart too).

Right in here, another RPFer got extremely upset and attempted to end her own life. Actually she tried several times. And Matteo took over C/Sing her folder, and wanted me to audit her on the INtrospection Rundown, which she should have gotten right when she arrived on the program, but was overlooked. She was put in "isolation" (sort of, she was staying at and Extended Stay Hotel way out somewhere) and I was to give her this RD, which I did. Then she was routed out. So sad. She was a sweet girl.

About me, Angelo and Matteo and his twin:
Both teams graduated the RPF, but neither seemed happy about the other. To be honest, Matteo and I really never resolved our dispute. Such is life.

But, unfortunately for all, all was not well. When Angelo was sent to the RPF, nobosy bothered to inform that he would no longer be able to be in the Sea Org. So he graduated and had nowhere to go. He was kind of floating around. ONe day Elsie Tucker (RTC) wanted to talk to him and he was rude to her and she sent him back to the RPF. I was not sent back exactly, but it was suggested that I volunteer. Anyways, I ended up back on the RPF AGAIN, a few months after graduating! Nobody had informed myself or Angelo what the heck his thing was, so we were not knowing what to do with him. Naturally, he was upset. Getting RPFed again for that? That was nuts.

That was another point that threw me off. THat added months to my life, away from my husband. He told me that he would wait 3 weeks for me. THen he finally went ahead with the divorce. I don't blame him. He spent a long time waiting for me. THat program is just way too long.

Anyways, So I did Angelo's leaving sec check and he was routed out properly. Because I supposedly missed on him, I had to get more too - and all of that was unneccesary. What reference covers that? (This really pissed me off, but being mad about it doesn't mak it go away, it just makes your program take longer).

Anyways, I bit my tongue and went along. And then they let me graduate again. It didn't really take too long, but by then I felt totally unrehabilitated, I felt like scum, I felt useless and unwanted. That last stint really put me beyond repair. I knew that there was no way I would ever go back there, under an circumstances.

In addition, Jill and Matteo had graduated, but soon after, Jill's cancer (bless her heart) took her life. And they decided that was because Matteo did not get a product on her and they sent him back too. He looked how I felt. I wonder how he is today. Poor guy. I didnt help with some of the evaluations I gave about him too, which I dont want to say here. I am sorry Matteo.

So then I was back in the NWC. I think I had to get another video pass or something and other things. They put me through courses and stuff. Then they decided that I would be going on a UC team. Next SH size org. At first it was going to be Italy, so I started trying to learn Italian. Then it was switched to Venezuela.

So Venezuela was named Saint Hill Size and the UC team was sent to get the staff up the OT Levels (Only the UC Team consisted of myself, as a Clas VI C/S, who could sup them, but could not audit them, and a recruiter). What a load of crap.

So we showed up in the org with great fanfare at an event and everybody was so excited. Anyways, there were only two Clears in the Org: the ED and the Senior C/S.

And the UC space? Ok, well, the building the org was in was HUGE - 8 stories and the UC had the 8th floor. It was totally empty. It had a couple of walls and concrete floors. And so it was expected that I figure out the set up for the auditing rooms and courserooms for when "the rest of the team" arrived (there was no rest of the team. There was no one else coming).

I got one room set up as a courseroom and then started suping Solo I for those who were ready. Meanwhile the Senior C/S was getting some through CCRD and getting more attested to Clear, which was good and those were doing Solo I in my courseroom too.

And the recruiter was recruiting. Yet there were very few people who had actually made Bridge progress that were there. It was really weird.

And then to top it all off, there was major political upheaval in the country. I have many stories and I would be remiss in not mentioning them.

In a nutshell, it was the President and his men against the democrats. The PResident wanted to basically communize the country to make it more even. You are talking about a country which is third world, I think for the most part. 80% of the population was poor - they didnt have money to by even a bar of soap. They lived on the streets and saw $20.00 per YEAR. VERY poor.

The people pro Chavez tended to get violent. They carried guns and used them. The police and everything else civil was against the president, but they would protest peacefully.

I remember one day my recruiter and I went out for lunch and on the way back to the org (1 block), there was a protest going on. The democrats started getting in the faces of the military police. We were right in front of it by this point. I saw the military police pulling down his mask - and I told the recruiter to RUN!!!! They maced the entire area - all of the protesters. Because the org was so close, it ended up all over the org too (No AC there - windows always open).

Another time Flag sent us money for promotion for recruitment I think. They sent by Western Union. The only Western Union in the area was downtown and that was a very dangerous area. That is where the shooting was going on the most (by the way, prior to this, the American Embassy told all Americans to get out of the country - the embassy had already evacuated and said they could not help others). Venezuela is not the Untied States of America, ok? We went down there and they only let 3 people in the building at a time - and you have to get there at 6AM to gain entrance. We didnt make it. So we had to come back the next day. We waited outside for 8 hours and they let us in. Meanwhile, there is protesting and fighting going on around us. I think after alot of talking and arguing, they finally gave us the money. They were going to tell us they were out of money and to come back another day, but we managed to get it somehow.

And the next week, we requested that they PLEASE send by Moneygram, because it was a safe neighborhood. The person at Flag told u "too bad" and "make it go right". I really did not want to go back for a few hundred bucks!!! These guys in the SO had NO IDEA what we were going through....

next installment - the gas problem and my step dad (note for me to not forget)

Part XII

More 2002...

Ok. So we were just doing our thing in Venezuela, meanwhile all kinds of protesting going on all around the city. Fascinating to be around. The people of the country are SUCH nice people. So friendly, everywhere that we went. Just great people. It made me change my attitude about some things around me that I take for granted.

Anyways, one fine day my mother called me just to check in and things. Well, my step dad was supposed to be posted in programs, to run FSSO (The Freewinds). As part of his training, he was to go to the ship and learn all of the positions, both on the ship, and in the service org. Before being allowed on the ship, he had to get medical tests to ensure that he was healthy. So they did the tests on him. My mother told me that is white blood cell count was too high. She also told me that there were about 300 reasons why this could be. She did not seem concerned.

I knew what it meant. Cancer. Just my luck. I really wanted to scream at her and make her understand this was not a light matter. She was taking it so unseriously.

I think I tried to find out if I could return to the states, but for some readon, it wouldnt be able to be done, probably because there was no immediate replacement. They did tell me that they were working on getting me replaced (it was really a waste of personnel to have me out here as a Class VI suping Solo I).

(while I was out in Venezuela I got my divorce papers, meaning I was officially no longer married).

Anyways, I freaked about my mothers reaction to her husbands medical thing. And I decided I would do anything to get out of there, including getting myself in trouble. I hate being controlled by other people and like to control things in my own way. And so I flirted with another staff member. That flapped up to hig heaven! (the guy said alot of other things happened that just didnt happen and that made it even worse!).

So the guy that was supposed to replacement needed a sec check or something and they had no auditor there. So they decided to send him to me and I would audit him there. And I did. That took a while. (there is more to that part, but it gets too technical).

He finally finished and they ordered me to be back within 24 hours. Oooookaaaayyyyy. You are talking about a third world country. Impossible task. Because of the protesting, there was gas shortages all over the place. You have to wait in a line for 24 hours to get gas. And the airport was 1 1/2 hour drive away. So these idiots told me "I dont care, make it go right!!!".

And so I went outside and hailed down a taxi driver and told him to wait in line and get a tank of gas and I would meet him in 24 hours. So he went off to do that. And then we got the flight arranged with Delta.

And so I got up to go with the taxi driver out and we went. When I got to the airport (Delta airlines). All flights were cancelled for three days because THEY didnt have any gas either!!! Ha ha.

Anyways, we found a continental flight that was heading out and I caught that. And I was back in the states, under Comm Ev (At least they didnt just send me straight to the RPF!!!) Ha ha.

But at least I would be with my mom and step dad when they found out he had cancer.... which I already knew.


Thank you Jodie. Yes I am taking it little by little. There is still a bit more to the story, but the chunky parts are out, I think, though there are a few more.

Yes, I started a thread about the cancer thing. It is just unreal how many there were. There must be some reason, who knows.

Anyways - I have to make a correction, something I forgot, which I cannot believe I forgot, but I just remembered it, and here it is:

I was informed about my step-dads cancer before I left Venezuela. I thought it was later, but no. Oh, I remember the phone conversation so well. Yeah, My mother called me and told me that my step dad wanted to talk to me. (I already knew about the high white blood cell ount). HE is the one who told me that he was going to die. He told me that he had cancer and he was going to die. I did not know what to say. Why did that happen like that? That was rough for me. I remember him telling me that he wanted to do those things he never had time to do. He wanted to fly over the Grand Canyon in a helicopter. He unfortunately never got his wish, because the cancer took him so quickly. That is another chapter for another day though.

And another note about John Mustards too: I was not informed that he was close to death. I thought it was just diagnosed and he was considering treatment options. And when I got there and saw him, he cracked a joke, like he always did, and I saw him in that state, and it was then he told me that he was going to die.

Does this type of thing happen outside of the church? Even the dying seem flippant about it. Unconcerned. Forgive me, please forgive me for being upset and angry about that. What can I do about it. How am I supposed to react? Its a tough position to be in. Especially when you are not expecting it.

Ok, that was a note, more to rest of story later.

I am sorry my story makes people so sad. It is sad. Not for me. Well some for me too I guess, but for these people too, in the story. Even my mother who seems to chose to ignore all of this, and all the signs.

But it needs to be said, doesn't it?

more to Venezuela

2002 (best year in the SO by far!!! So free!!!)

Thanks for all of your patience. And now for another installment:

I remembered a few things about Venezuela and I wanted to add to that part.

In total, I was in Vza for about 8 months, before returning to LA. I was unable to speak spanish, which is the language, but I did have a translator, which was the recruiter who came with me.

The place they gave us to stay (chosen by staff of the org) was about a 1/2 a block from the org. It was a huge 3 BR, 2BR in a high rise building. Looking back, actually the place was quite nice. I remember there were metal bars on the door. I couldnt figure out if that was to keep people in or out. The place had two elevators - one stopped at all of the even floors, and one stopped at all of the odd floors. And when one was broken, you would have to use to the stairs. Well you could get up to the basic floor number and then walk up or down one flight. I think we were on the 11th floor or so.

Eating: Oh my goodness. What we take for granted in the US!!! Venezuela has food, but not much in variety. They do have beef, pork and chicken. They do not have vegetables, except potatoes. Trying to make a salad.... well, they had some strange looking lettuce and beets and that was about it.

They did have some American "restaurants" (By the way, spending more than one dollar on food there means you are rich) such as Wendys, Burger King, TGI Fridays and Tony Romas.

Thursdays were great because down at the mall they had a movie theater and we would go there and see a movie Thurs night. It was ladies night, buy one get one free on the tickets. We loved that part. The tickets to see a movie were only like 2 dollars. And they were all American movies with spanish subtitles. So I could always find a movie to see.

And I would always find an excuse to go!! Mainly it would be my stats were up. But if they werent, either she just got a recruit, or I got a completion, or something. I think we hardly ever missed a week.

Being UC in an empty org, there was very little for us to do. I only suped the courseroom in late afternoon. I think later we also had a night class, which I also suped. So easy, but I still hated being a sup.

In that scorching hot weather, it was nice to have AC. We only had AC in two of our rooms, which were the C/S Office (where my computer was and where I sat to play cards all day long because I had nothing to do until course started) and the courseroom. :bored:

Anyways, on Thurs we would have lunch at Wendys (we had to take the bus there as it was about 2 miles away) and then dinner at TGI Fridays at the mall). The life we were living there was like the rich life for those people. The org wa funding us, but at the same time, the staff were not well paid, not well fed or anything. They did set up a program where each staff member could get money deducted from their paycheck and it would go towards food and they would provide meals for the staff. It was essentially a glorified version of beans and rice, from what I could tell. They invited us down to try it. And I politely refused. Looking back, I should have. I think I kinda seperated myself out from the staff.

The staff and all the Venezuelan people were so nice (It was the Columbians who were coming in and starting the violence and trying to live off the country and get free everything).

Also we were off on Sunday mornings and we would wander around to do shopping alot. They have alot of shops that we could walk to nearby to the org. They mainly were like drug stores where you could get shampoo and things.

Oh, my god, I just remembered this!! This was great. It freaked the heck out of my recruiter. Ok, I am loud when I talk sometimes, and I dont notice it. And I was speaking English, which no-one knew, ok? So we went into this one store and we were looking at different things and I saw that stuff for "cellulite" (granted, I likely didnt need it. I weighed all of 105 when I was there) that you could put on your legs and so forth. I was interested in buying it. Lucy (recruiter) came over to see what I was looking at and we were checking it out. And then I saw that it had perfume in it!! WELL, you can't have perfume in the Sea Org, as you know! I was mad and I really wanted it!

We wandered off, looking at other things. And later, not thinking how loud I can be somtimes, I said (really loud) "who in the heck is going to smell my butt!!!" And Lucy (the only one who could understand me....):

I really didnt care. And so I bought it.

Also, we used to go clothing shopping too. Not to be too boring for guys reading this, I will try to be brief, but it must be said, ok? Well, before the violence started (which started about 4 months after we were already there), we were able to go downtown and they had some pretty cool clothing shops there (this is in Valencia). I found one store there that had alot of clothes from Tommy Hilfiger (which I like because they actually fit me properly where others do not) and I bought a ton from there. And then closer to the store there was one store called "Tijarazo" (I think, I speak spanish now, but I cant spell, ok? It means "to cut", like a discount store) and they had all kinds of cool and weird things. They had the real brands and also the take off brans. We would go in there and laugh our heads off at some names they had to trick people "All Navy", "Ann's Taylor" "Tomy Higfligler" LOL.

I was able to sort through it all and I got some really good stuff for nothing. I still have alot of it actually. It still fits me.


One thing was that when I was out there, the org had to provide the Sea Org bonus to us. That was hard for them and wiped them out for one week. See, the thing is that American money and their money do not translate exactly. Back 5 years prior, 62 Bolivars (their money denomination) was one dollar. When we were there, it was 1600 to one dollar. So you can imagine how far American money could take you. One dollar was a LOT of money. And to top it off, I was in the SO for like 15 plus years by then, so my bonus was alot. I think more than $500.00. THe whole org made like $2000.00 per week or so, so after everything went uplines, that was leaving nothing for them. And that made me feel bad.

One time, after 3 months of being there, we found that our Visas were going to expire (yes, we had Visa's. Yes, they were easy to get. All you had to do was show you had money to spend in the country and they would let you in. I think we came in with 200.00 which was plenty). Anyways, we went to get them renewed and they were telling us that we could not get them renewed. They said we had to leave the country and then come back in. That was all we could do. Then they told us that Curacao is 20 min flight and we could go there, as it is another country. So we then had to go over there. We did it on a Sunday. We flew out, had lunch on the beach there, and then returned. Man, that was so beautiful!

It was like going to a resort!! THe only problem was that we only had $20.00 american money and the rest was Venezuelan money. They would not exchange it because of the civil unrest in the country. They flatly refused. We had a chance to change it at the bank before we left, but we thought it would be no problem, but of course it was. (Whenever you visit another country, dont expect it to be the same as the one you are from!! You can get in trouble that way!)

Anyways, we did make it back ok. And we got our Visas renewed. Yay!

Also, cigarrettes: the only brand they had besides something made locally, was Marlboro menthol. And so that was what I was smoking for a while. The whole time I was there. It took a while to get used to them, but it was alright. (I have since quit smoking - years ago).

Sometimes during the heavy protesting, the shops would all be closed and it would be hard to find food. We were not eating at home, but eating out every meal. Finally, we decided to do gracery shopping and we could eat at home. We did have a kitchen there and it worked (though it was dated). So we went to the local shopping market to get food (one thing was great is no schedule. We did whatever, whenever. No waiting till Sun, or after post to do it. Had we been around other Sea Org members, they probably would have tried to enforce schedules, but not for us!!! Really, I should have stayed there. It was pretty cool. Actually, I would love to go back and visit someday, but I think it is turning communist now, per the news I have been seeing).

Anyways, grocery shopping was a joke. I mean, the store is the same size as any you would find in the US, but my gosh!! They had nothing. You would go down one isle and they would have toilet paper, salt, mustard, cold cereal and baby food. The next isle would be exactly the same, but moved around to look different. Every isle was like that! And the veggies section was potatoes and onions. Thats it. This was a HUGE market. We did find some eggs and bread and some meat for breakfast and lunchs.



Couple of more random things here and I will let you all go for now (until my next installment...):

At one time there were two NWC recruiters there (NWC for Flag, not ours, which was uh, I guess, the main office). THis redheaded kid and another guy who was from Venezuela. The crap those two would get themselves into!!! See, they would travel all over the country doing recruit interviews. Mr redhaead did not speak a lick of spanish. But that didnt matter, I guess. Anyways, there are two ways of travelling. Both are by bus. But one type is nasty, no AC and they are very inexpensive. The other is like a coach bus and they have AC, movies, etc. Well, the cheaper ones are frequented by drug dealers and criminals. And these two recruiters knew that. One day Tyler (redhead) came and told us that his passport was stolen again (it got stolen like 6 times. The American Embassy was sick of seeing him. They didnt even need any ID, because they recognized him every time he came in to get a new one. Getting to the embassy is a two day thing too - it was not close by. that is another story). Anyways, I told them to take the coach bus to wherever they were going. THey wanted to save 50 cents and take the other one. And of course it got stopped and 1/2 the people got carted off to jail. Since Tyler did not have a passport, they were ready to take him too. EVEN THOUGH he did not speak a word of spanish and was a flaming redhead. It was so obvious he was out of place. If he went to jail, that would have been very bad for his own safety. Finally, the other recruiter with him bribed the military and they let him go. <--- (Tyler)


Ok one time there was an event. Which one would it have been? Uh, I guess Sept would have been Auditors Day. So we were told the event was up the street. One thing you need to know was that any meetings were severely looked upon by the military police and they watched for any and broke them up. (yeah, you guys got it easy in free countries. Enjoy it). So we went to the place and there were alot of people already there. So we hung out for a minute or two and I was looking around. I was in my UC uniform. The people kept looking at us in fear. Then I started to notice that these were people I had never seen before. I mentioned this to my partner and she asked around. We were in the middle of a meeting planning the next protest actions of the democrats in the area!!! These were the people the president was looking for to eliminate!!! (Good hearted people, but dangerous to be around because they were against their government). Oh my goodness we ran out of there as fast as we could!!!


Thats enough for now. (next time I will tell about the guy with the Clear bracelet. Long story....)

2002 still....

I remember another time when I was suping in the courseroom in VZA at night and the ED and Senior C/S were there on course. It was about 8:00 pm and course was to go until 10:00 pm. Someone came and told me that there was a military take-over in the country and that they were going to enforce a 9:00 pm curfew. That meant they would shoot anyone still on the streets past 9:00 pm. That meant that we had to evacuate the entire org and get everyone home before then. And so I ended my courseroom early (I could get declared for that, but at least I wouldnt be killed).

And another time the Senior C/S came to me and showed me an article in the news about a guy who was sitting in front of the courthouse in Caracas saying that he was going to starve himself until the President resigned or something like that. The Senior C/S told me that this guy was a Scientologist and then somehow the president found that out. It also turned out the guy had a criminal history... a very long one. So this was a potential big flap for the church. Also, he was wearing a Clear bracelet in the photo on the front page of this paper. He was not Clear and noody knew how he got the thing. So then I sent a telex to OSA in Mexico (way up North from us) about it. And they must have fixed it, cause soon afterwards the guy was doing those robotic "peace" ads the church is so known for.

I remembered one more story: trying to find pinksheet paper. That took me 4 days to find. It just does not exist. They do not have pink paper in the country that I could find!!! They had TONS of goldenrod folders though. That was odd. I searched the entire town for pink paper and I finally had to settle for buying pink tissue paper on a roll and getting it cut down to size. That was all I could do. That was my first introduction to the country and its resources, actually.

I really enjoyed being out there, but also at the same time, missed my family, and at the same time, while I was out there, I got my official divorce paper. That was upsetting. We were already separated for a long time, but it hit home with the letter. And the interesting thing about it was that when I got back to LA he asked me out to breakfast and we went out to eat and got along great. He later ended up going out 2D and routed out. He is/was a sweet guy and I have nothing against him.

Next installment will be my Comm Ev back in LA. I hardly remember it, hopefully it will come to mind soon.


2002 (I guess) and maybe part of 2003 also... (gettin' foggy on time here)

Prior to leaving to the airport to go back to the US, the FBO of Vza Org asked me to bring 2,000.00 American cash and give it to Gold people to buy another e-meter for the org. So I was carrying this cash with me, plus whateve cash I had.

So my flight was cancelled on Delta due to no gas. But Continental was still flying out and they managed to get me a flight on that. Going through security, I had my emeter with me and I did not speak the language. That freaked them out when they x-rayed it! And they asked me to explain it. Luckily, I had copied info out of What is Scn on what the meter was (spanish version) and let them read that and that seemed to be enough for them. They let me through.

So, I was finally on a flight out of Venezuela. I had a long stop-over in Houston, which was also where I had to go through immigration. (not a problem as I was American with a passport and all).

So I was in Houston for many hours, and with this cash. What my point is here, is that if I wanted to blow, I could have. THats all my point is. I should have, though at the time, I was still dedicated Sea Org member, etc.

So I get back to LA and get put immediately under 24 hour watch. I was like !!! I had plenty of oportunity to disappear, blow, whatever, and I came back by myself and they put me under watch!! Asswipes!! And I was under Comm Ev and not allowed on any of the bases. I was only allowed in the berthing building, where I was doing renovations under watch. I barely remember it.

And I remember that one of the Comm Ev members was a girl who had been flirting with my husband when we were still married and she was involved in convincing him to divorce me. The members are supposed to be unbiased. I tried to request another member and they would not approve it (they, meaning IJC). So my Comm Ev was done, blah blah blah. I remember they asked me if I wanted to be in the Sea Org, and I said yes (who knows why, cause I really didnt). Their final outcome was to kick me out of NWC and make me go to a lower org. NWC spent a while trying to trade me and finally worked out a trade with ASHO, after a while.

But I gotta back up in my story, about my step dad. So when I got back, he was basically in and out of the hospital constantly. Luckily, my mother was allowed to watch him and was not stuck on a post all day. She was able to care for him. THey put him in a home care center, where they were keeping him until he passed (he had stomach cancer).

Meanwhile, my nephew had been diagnosed with cancer as well (at the age of 2) and was treated and was in remission (he had 15% chance of living at the diagnosis. He lived to the age of 6). He came by to visit his step grandpa and he brought with him a red balloon. He visited with grandpa for a while, then brought my mom over to the side and whispered "when he dies, release this balloon to heaven so he knows where to go" . At that time I think he was 4 or 5. So sweet.

And my step dad and mom had signed "do not resuscitate" (sp?) papers. So when he passed, mom and I were both there. She went in before me to check on him and came out all freaked out and told me that his vitals were going down!! She didnt know what to do. I told her to go over and hold his hand and tell him that its ok to go (because that is what they both wanted). And he passed peacefully. Bless his heart.

He had a very funny roommate with him, who made all kinds of jokes about things and was very learned. We were telling him about Scn briefly, and about spirits and things. So when my step dad passed, this neighbor yelled out (in a friendly way) "take me with you!!". It gave us all a good laugh at a tough moment.

The nurses came rushing in with equipment to bring him back, and we stopped them, saying that was his wish.

My mom was crying hysterically, which I dont remember ever seeing before. I took her for a walk, which the nurses really did not understand why she did not want to be by his side. She then called my brother and told him she released the balloon. He knew what that meant.

I do not remember the service, though I do think that I was allowed to go to it.

Some point after my Comm Ev, there is a gap there where I was still working for NWC, but not allowed to musters and all that. So I was helping in the C/S office at ITO.

And that was when an FCB staff member went Type III and needed an Introspection RD. That story coming up next.

Part XIV

Approx 2003 (I guess)

Ok, so here I was, kicked out of my org, but not traded yet. And so I was helping out on tech lines for a bit while they figured out what to do with me. Even though I was pretty trained, I was considered pretty much a piece of trash (because I had flirted with someone on staff in VZA).

Meanwhile, my weekly paycheck was 11 dollars. And so, because I was addicted to coffee, it was a tough choice between coffee or soap to take a shower. One lucky thing I guess was me and my mom lived in the same building, so I got to see her more in 2003 until the end of my Scn adventure than I ever did in my entire life combined. For that I am grateful. But I am taking a good guess and thinking I will never see her again.

Anyways, she did help me financially a bit here. Not with money, more I think with supplies so I did not have to worry about money. It was all embarrasing to me to even be broke!!! Wasnt I a competent Sea Org member who could make anything go right? Come on!!!

So, one fine day on the tech lines I overheard about a staff member (not in my org), having gone fully insane, by their terms. He was having coughing fits, talking to himself, taking off his clothes and running around mid using the bathroom and so forth. :eek:

So they took him off the base, and then put him with to other people watching him, 24 hours a day. They had to get him off Scn property. That is always a first and urgent action, probably since other unnamed flubbed ones.

The C/S was unsure of what to do, mainly because she was not trained enough to handle the case. Well, I really had nothing to do and this, if done right, supposedly would b good for the case and would also get me into better graces. And so I decided to jump in and help out. Well, as it turns out, I was the only person on the entire HGB base qualified to audit the Introspection RD and there was not a single C/S available to C/S it. So what I did was all of the technical footwork that has to be done. (This part is a little technical, so bear with me).

So I had to go through every single pc folder particle, ethics folder, personnel folder, notes he had at home, letters, EVERYTHING he was ever involved in, to find points of introspection. This took several days to do. Meanwhile, he was out in a rented cabin in San Bernadino mountains somewhere. So I had to compile it all and propose a program and all of the steps to be done (the first couple of steps of the RD are the longest, as they are tailored to that specfic case and what caused them to introspect). I discovered a long history of a very troubled case and the guy was being audited WAY over his head on Int RD, list repairs, etc etc when all he really needed was light introductory auditing. He was plowed in by auditing, compounded with being in the Sea Org his entire life, just pressure all over the por kid (yes, he was a kid).

So then I got the folder all ready and then they wanted me to audit him. They found a C/S for the case at the PAC base (so I had to "Schlep" the folder daily to get it C/Sed and all). Somehow they got the approval for me to audit him by my org (because it had nothing to do with the org I was in). They worked out some deal, not sure what. Probably their C/S had to work for them for a while, which she used to try to do as much as she could, but now it would be forced on her. Oh well.

Meanwhile, right around then, I had made alot of friends in the HGC. THe other auditors. And they heard wind of my Comm Ev and heard some very false information about what occured and they got very mad at me, saying I was very out ethics and blah blah blah. I sorted it out. Someone was spreading lies about me though. I am noting that because I feel like alot of the justice I did get was based on lies. Their word against mine.

Oh yeah, they ordered me to some kind of sec check. That was why I did not leave right away. I couldnt until that was done. And being OT V, there was only one auditor who could do it. Well they did manage to set it up and I did get through the sec check, only to find out after that I had to get FPRD too. That pissed me off - why didnt they do with FPRD in the first place? THen I would have to re-run the same stuff? Screw you guys. THat happened a bunch of times in my life.

Anyways, back to that case: So for some reason the C/S wanted me to start with a D of P interview. I should not have done that, because it can make the person look inward, which is not what you want!!! I think the purpose of it was for he and I to meet. I knew him already. I knew him since he was born. I knew his mother well and audited her tons.

Anyways, it was night time and it was dark outside, in the middle of nowhere. The people watching him decided to leave to town (not knowing they could be gone a while), I think to get food or space, not sure. But the roads were icy and there was snow all over. I was not dressed for that. So I was stuck inside this cabin with this kids who was known for getting violent, in the middle of a place that I did not know. If he would have made a run for it, I would not have been able to find him. It was pitch black outside.

Oh well. They finally came back and it was fine.

So then I started auditing on this kid every day. I dont really remember too much about that, the sessions were always very short and we would go do walks and other things too. I would spend all day out there, and come back around dinner time to get the folder C/Sed for the next day. One thing they didnt like was that I did not know how to drive and they had to arrange a driver for me every day from security I guess. And so it was a different person every day. Sometimes they would politely complain to me about not knowing how to drive and I pointed out that I spent my time learning the tech (up to Class VI) and I thought that was a more useful way to spend my time (yeah right).

I remember that the watches were feeding him hot dogs, hamburgers, frozen dinners. They were not giving nutritious food. Well, being raised in the Sea Org, I was not a cook either, but some things I think you are naturally born with I think. And so I took them shopping at the store and bought proper food. Yum. We had a barb-q with chicken breast and roasting ears!!! (for those who dont know, thats corn on the cob). I had to take them out shopping a few times until they got the hang of it. I was making most of the meals for all of them. None of them probably ever ate well. The food at the HGB was nothing to write home about: white rice, some unflavored, pale meat, that was about it. Nasty food there.

Between sessions, when I was not there, the kid would have some wild reactions which I would find out about the next day. He didnt do much of it when I was there. Maybe I would keep him calm, or he knew I was there to help him and didnt want to hurt me, or it was because I was a female. I dont know.

For some reason the bathroom used to make him pretty crazy. He would be in the middle of doing a #2 activity (excuse me) and would run out without clothes on and start screaming stuff. Also there were a lot of ants in there and he was very compelled to kill them. He would spend hours in there killing the ants. I asked the boys to try to get him interested in other activities instead of doing that, because killing the ants seem to make him a little more unstable and was not good for him or the ants.

My time line is all messed up, but I think he was audited for about 6 weeks or so by me, about 3 - 4 sessions per day, depending on how light or deep the sessions got (one deep, or a couple light ones).

During that, I was transferred to ASHO. But they knew that I would need to complete this PC before I could go, and that was fine with everyone. However, for 2 weeks, ASHO did not get paid at all, and that did not help me at all!!! It caused me some big problems, because I needed some basic things like shower stuff and things. So I mentioned this to my mom, who immediately, for some reason, contacted the OSA person who was involved wih handling the kid (and who apparently cared about my well being, which I did not know at all). She called me and asked me what was up and told me she could arrange to FLO to pay me for 3 weeks so that I would not be concerned with money. She told me if I needed ANY help, she would help me. I was suprised because that person has way more on her lines than one small kid who was insane.... But she did help me with that, which helped alot.

Ok, so a couple more weeks and he was done with the RD. He was in a lot better shape than he had been, but he was still pretty rough around the edges, know what I mean. Nice kid. Poor kid. He thought he would be able to go back on post. Nope. One advice after that RD is the RPF, or offload. So they decided to offload him.

So he was escorted (with me and others) to the airport I believe, where he was going to be taken to his father in Florida, I think. Well, they called his father (and OT V at least, maybe OTVIII?), who could not understand how his kid could have gotten to this state. Nobody knew how to answer to him, so of course, since I was the only techie there, they wanted me to explain it. I knew him from the RPF in 91 and he remembered me well from then. So we ad a decent conversation. But how do you explain that? Up in the semi-high levels of the church, peoples cases being neglected, misprogrammed, etc? And now he's out, with a few loose screws to boot?

I did not make him that way, I did try, with what I knew, to help him the best I could. I have wondered about him since then too. How is he doing. Is he ok? Is he in need of constant care? He should be old enough to take care of himself. But he will never be allowed on a Sea Org base again. No OT levels for him this lifetime. All because of the earlier misprogramming.

I am telling all this from my view at the time. I am not saying I agree with the tech. I think that it did not work on me personally as a case, but I cant say for sure that it did not help others. I saw change in people. Maybe it was fake. I don't know. With Sea Org members, I surely wouldnt doubt it. And with the public i audited, probably there too. Because I always thought that since they have to pay so much for the auditing, they are gonna wanna change their minds fast about things to get'em done faster, you know? I dont know if they really were fully in session. Wouldnt they always be worried about how much it costs them to have that thought, or that Comm lag? You know?
Part XV

So, guys, we are coming to the end of the begining here. The story of getting out is ALMOST over!! Whew. I think I may need to copy Mate and do reflections, as there is always more to it, that one remembers after the fact. But before all that, I shall continue with the actual installments of the story.

So I completed auditing that pc on the Introspection RD, and I reported for dtuy at ASHO. They decided to post me as a C/S. The other C/S was Bruce Gaines, nice guy for the most part, but every once in a while he could get really angry and it would always make me laugh. I guess he just never intimidated me. He was too nice when he was nice to be really angry when he was angry. Oh well.

So I had to re-do my metering video again, I think. That took all of a lunch time to complete, then I was allowed onto post. I was previous to GAT a Class V Grad C/S, but was not Class VI C/S (never completed the internship for it) and so they were allowing me to C/S as a Grad V C/S, but they wanted me to do my Class VI Intership, which I was doing basically concurrently with my post.

Ok so there seemed to be technical changes going on. Maybe that is my SP generality view coming out, who knows. And I am going to mention some of it here. I have not seen any of this aspect of things posted anywhere and this is the part that really pushed me over the edge. Made me think WTF?, you know?

(Through all this, I was doing daily C/Sing, nothing much to comment on that part, for real).

The main thing here is on the State of Clear. And I feel there is a chapter worth mentioning on this. Because I was involved in the OT Elig line (getting people approved to get onto their OT Levels at AOLA, across the street from ASHO), I had to deal with verifying the State of Clear. So I was trained in doing interviews (I forgot the name of them, C/S 3 or something like that) on people who's Clear Cog was not clearly stated, to see if they would give it straight out. A lot of times this interviews would have leading questions and that was how I was trained in doing them. The areas of earlier sessions would be refered to and reread to the PC, to get him or her to expand or clarify what was meant. Sometimes these interviews would go on for several hours. Come on guys, if they were Clear, I think it would come up a little easier than that! The reason these interviews were allowed/started is from an IG Network Bull about Clears and it is one of the targets on the program to so these interviews on the "Clears" where the cog is not clearly stated. So for a year I was involved in doing and/or C/Sing these interviews.

Additionally, another program step (from the same IG people) was to get all the folders programmed of all of the Clears who had not moved forward. There were 4 categories of stalled Clears. Well, not all stalled, as the first was those onlines, second is those offlines, but recently around doing services, those who are long gone, recovery jobs and the last, those who are really not qualified for auditing and should not have been audited (like criminal, illegal pc's, things like that, from early years and such).

So I had to spend like a week in archives sorting through all of these folders and cases, categorizing all of them, determining if they had Clear evidence, when they were on lines, etc. So I made a huge list of all of the categorizing that was done, and where each one was at. And there were alot of names on the list that we did not have the folders for anymore, and those were being gotten from wherever they were transferred to.

Anyway, this was a huge amount of hours and work, but to me it felt like paper shoving and cookie cutting!

Now I know the Senior C/S AO (Griffie Blythe) got in trouble earlier about cookie cutter programs, but it was still going on, its just that they wanted it done their way.

Anyways, after that paperwork was done, they wanted me to start programming the folders. In order to get it all done by the deadline, I would have to program like 8 - 10 per day. LRH says programming a folder can take hours. Besides doing my post, I had to do this. You do the math. And big ethics if it weren't done.

Meanwhile, in the middle of all this, some kid at Flag flaps somehow because he was a past life Clear, only gave a Clear cog or something. So then they decided just because someone gave the Clear Cog, that does not mean that they are Clear. Evidence needs to be proven. Kinda like I guess more to the person past life, getting the name, folders, confirming hours of auditing and so forth. So then we had to go through everyone's CLear thing AGAIN and all these people we thought were Clear really weren't (to tell you the truth, I didnt understand what the heck that was all about).

I remember thinking "Make up your fricken MIND!!!" I really got crazy about how the tech seemed to change so much.

And then poor Bruce was C/Sing a girl who was going onto the OT Levels. She was all good to go, and the folder came back from RTC with a note "where is the Clear evidence?". To me, that sounds like a perfectly normal question. THat is something that must be provided and tabbed for anyone to get onto the OT Levels. Ok, so Bruce took this to mean that she was not Clear. So he decided to let her know that she is not CLear and will need to be audited to Clear before embarking onto the OT Levels. Well, little did he know this girl was prone to violence (hah, a Clear, right?). Well, she was given her non-Clear info and blew up!! She got violent and went out of the room, out of the building, storming down the street towards her car, maybe running out of Scn. But they caught up with her, and with alot of physical and verbal persuasion, they got her back into the org, where the Senior C/S talked to her for a while. So Bruce got in big trouble for that, big org flap (because the pc thought that the not Clear thing was from RTC so they were on the lines, and not happy about that too!). So Bruce and others were getting Comm Ev'ed. I offered to help Bruce, but he just kept crying and banging on the folder trying to figure out what to do. I can't remember how it finally got resolved, but I know they did decide that she was Clear... pulled the evidence out of someone's .... excuse me. That was just how things seemed to get done. It's political. So she went onto her OT Levels and when she saw some of that information, same reactions in the OT courserooms - having violent, screaming, crying, wanting out, etc. I don't think her case was handled right....

Sorry for those who may not understand the technical side of this, but I feel this part is important to why I got out. Now, if someone from inside were to tell you why I got out, it would be a totally different story. But the motivations behind my actions are covered here. No, they did not make me do anything (they say, but check out the technical stuff and how we had to do it. That is bull and not LRH, if LRH is right anyways, which I don't even know now), and I did my own thing to get myself in trouble. I did it to get out of there. I did not want to blow, I figured I would go the slow way out, I guess. I don't know. Soon that part will come up. And what I did was considered very bad there. When I bring it up. please don't judge. Well, you can I guess. Go ahead. But I had to get out of there. And I think the way I did it was pretty smooth.

And that part, for another day. Until then, peace out.

Part XVI

Ok, this is pretty close to the end here.

Having been in the RPF a number of times and hating the RPF, being way overaudited on FPRD, not even on my own track, evaluations up the kazoo, constant ethics handlings, constant fixing of ME, instead of the groups abberation, I was pretty much frustrated, fed up and did not care. And yet I continued to pretend that I was part of the group and doing my job to Clear the planet. Yep, I pretended all the way to security, my Comm Ev and all the way to getting out the door. My mother thinks I will do A to E. But, after a break from Scn and reflections, I don't think that is something I will do anytime soon.

(I was about to submit this part and remembered another important part to this story which I had not mentioned yet, so it is interjected here One of the auditors at ASHO, named Cathy, was a Class VI Intern who was having a lot of trouble with everything: her pc's, her life, her family, her internship, everything was really a mess. And she was not taking the time to sort them out and was just trying to kinda get through each day. Then one day IAS regged her for 50,000, which she donated. Soon after that, who knows if it is related, she blew in her car and was driving all over. She was recovered (I dont recall how) and the folder sent to me and the Senior C/S to figure out what to do with her. When we looked through all the info, it turned out she was majorly introspected and ......... yep - you guessed it. The big ol' rundown for her too!!! Introspection RD. (I wonder, was it what I needed and that was why everyone else was getting it? No. Not really, but why were there so many, huh?). So I ended up C/Sing it and someone else was auditing it. I never saw the outcome of it because I got busted before she finished.

So, somewhere in there, I got into a several day fling with another staff member. One of the really big problems with that from the church standpoint was that it was a person of the same sex as me. We did not even go very far or do much, just enough to get me in a lot of hot water. I don't even have those tendencies, never did and only did it to get out. (I guess I decided to just say it here because if anything ever did come up from them about me, it would be this. Because that is all there is. But I think a point the Illusioness made on another thread about RFW and how they offend people they don't even know would be the same here on this. Putting this thing I did as a bad thing could make THEM look bad in the eyes of alot of people that are now accepting this type of thing). And anyways, I have been in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex (same person) for over 2 years now.

Anyways, this thing happened and I did not come clean on it. And the other person supposedly tried to kill themselves (not true) and then put under watch and they assigned me to audit them. I should have refused. But I audited her and never mentioned anything about the truth, and she was offloaded quickly. So then several months later it all came out, because they couldnt hold it in anymore and it was reported.

And so security called me and wanted me to go down to security for a talk and that was the begining of the end. Cool. I was under 24 hour watch and on decks for like 3 months (because I had to get a Comm Ev and sec check and its hard to find auditors for OT's, and things like that). So I got declared by Comm Ev for that and then got a sec check and left.


I did get to talk to my mom a number of times through all of that and we had some good talks. She helped me financially because she bought my meter from me, which gave me more money to start out with. She also really wanted me to do my A to E and return to lines. She told me she loves me, and we hugged and I left. She knew where I was going. We talked about it, looked at it on a map and everything. (I have since moved though so she does not know where I am).

Unfortunately, she has never mentioned me to family or checked on me at all. I dont know if this is her own doing, or the church.

Meanwhile, I was sent to live with a couple other people who were declared who were willing to help out. I could not stay there long because the guy was (and still is) obsessed with me. He has some weird ideas about me stalking him spiritually. I am about ready to get a restraining order from him.

Meanwhile, I went to a reunion of my family, which I had never been to. People were so glad to see me there. They were also suprized that I was allowed to go. I had a nice long conversation with my grandparents. My grandfather was concerned that I would be going back into the church and didnt want that. I was suprized to find out really how anti-Scn my grandparents are. They never would say stuff to me when I was in, but when I got out, and they knew I was really out, they laid out how they really felt, about the years of frustration, about the embarrassment of their daughter, who they tolerate now, but barely speak to. It's a sad, sad situation.

And I get vacation time at work, paid. And I have already made time to see them several times and they love that. They are so suprized that I am able to visit so much. More than ever in my life.

I can't say my life is awesome or anything. Because there are downfalls. My mother, who I will probably never see, my father, who is declared and is not responding to letters or phone calls and I dont know why. My brother, who is still connected to my mom and Scn, so I can't talk to him either.

Another conversation with my mom was the "PR" story to tell my grandparents. I was to tell them what happened and that I have to fix things. But she even told me when they passed, send flowers, dont go to the funeral because she was going to be there. I agreed at the time.

So that is basically it. Part II was left out and still is at this point. It is a very hard one for me. I may post it later. And also, copying Mate, there will be reflections I am sure. Lots of things to add, with having been in for so long.

Phew. Hope it was a good read, I kept you entertained, and you have learned what it is like being raised in the Sea Org. And, in my mind, I never got a chance to chose if I wanted to be there or not. I guess I assumed it was my only choice. I was afraid of WOGS, afraid of having to find a job (before I joined, not after. After I left I was not concerned about it at all).

Send in questions or input. And peace to you all

Reflections are next.... (part II is gonna have to wait. It is rough for me to tell, and could have ramifications).

When I was really young, in the CEO, there were a few things that happened that I remembered:

We all used to take showers together in a big room. They never had enough towels and so we would have to run around inside the shower room, wall to wall, to dry ourselves off.

I remember when I was 5 a bunch of kids came up to me and told me that two kids were going to try to have sex and we were all going to go watch. We all cramped into this tiny bathroom (right nest to the reception desk, actually, I wonder why they didn't notice). Well, they got naked and tried but it didnt go anywhere. Ha ha.

I was playing around jumping on a bed with Seth Price and I ended up hitting my head (I was about 7) and made a big gash on my head. I do not remember it hurting, but I remember being really upset because I was getting blood all over my favorite outfit. They took me to see Dr. Shields to get fixed up. I was protesting the whole way. I was telling her that it was illegal and she could not touch me without my mom. She told me to stay calm and she was trying to sew up my head. I was moving all around. I remember thinking that I needed a new tactic, because she was not going away. I told her that it was past my bedtime and I had to go. I tried to get up again, and my mom came over (she had just showed up, having been on post and not around when I got injured) and told me to hold still. I was mad at her for siding with the docotor. I thought she should just take me right out of there (when I found out I was getting stiches, wow, I was so excited!!! Everybody else had them, now I had them!! So cool!).

Able Schwartz was another kid around that time who was very out of control. I remember one time he poured gas all around the bed of Sammy Garcia and then lit it on fire, with her in it. We were all standing around watching the flames, trying to see if she was going to wake up. All the sudden we saw a fire man coming up the stairs! We were so excited to see a fireman (this poor girl could have been killed!) and then we found out it was Terry Hammy (our nanny) and we were all like "AWWW, MAN!!! Its only Terry". Poor guy. He was alirght.

And another time Able found a beebee gun or something and went to the roof of the big blue and started shooting the pigeons up there (I think by then, he was posted as an exterminator, because the post fit him well, I guess).

Another time, when he was still a kid, he put a firecracker up the rear of a cat and killed it. That made me cry. I wondered why this kid was allowed to do all that.

(all this stuff in this reflections section is from the 70's)

I barely remember the Melrose building. That was where everyone lived originally. I do remember the yard there and playing in it. Then after that, we moved to the complex (which was white at that time). Then they acquired the Fountain building (which is right across the street from the complex, next to the parking garage that they have). I remember when we got that other building, which was called the ATA (Apollo training academy - was for schooling for kids and also for mid aged kid/teens to grow up. The CEO was for the baby's and toddlers). It was raining that first day we moved over there. And they had a cool fire engine shaped jungle gym thing that we could play on in the back. Cool.

One time my brother and I decided to get pigeon eggs from the roof of the fountain building. (Well, its not really the roof - it is under the roof, but above the ceilings in the apartments). So we went down to check it out and he ended up falling through the roof into the room of our friends the Wrights (or Walzers): Chin Dao, Mettayya, Sayadina, Dharma and the later on Lahai (I dont know how to spell). They were all eating dinner at home (which, come to think of it, we never did) and we landed right there!

Well, Mettayya was my age and we were friends. I kept in touch with her until the late 80's. She was working as a receptionist at a mission in Florida, but then she got married to someone and totally switched religions and was long gone out of Scn.

It's interesting to me to remember some of these names of people from way back when. There are more that I grew up with, in different time periods, but come to mind here, if anyone knows them: Cassavius Tabayoyan, Kim Fries, Sandy Fries, David and Andrew Harris, Bill and Suzanne Feeley, Jennifer and Justine Lipton, Suzanne Reynolds (Wendels step kid I think), Mettayya and that whole gang of sisters. Brings back feelings of the better times.

More reflections later.:cool:

adding on to 88 - 89 era

More reflections here. In 88 - 89 I was holding reception for the PAC Gold Office. I was a kid and did not know much about Scn or anything, but a few things occured there that I would like to mention.

One thing was that we were still playing event videos that had Vicky Aznaran in them. This would have been late 88. I am not sure when the change over occured (with COB). But I remember one public watching the video and deciding to join the Sea Org because there were so many hot chicks in the Sea Org. (Now there's the right purpose, ha ha). He thought VA was one of the hot ones.

There was no line set up properly for the e-meter recertification line. Our office was a recruit office and an Int Readiness Unit (with Maggie Denton and Mike Gilcrest as auditors, and I think Tom Pope and William Carey as recruiters). So public would try to drop off meters and I would take them and send them uplines. They sent them back to me and told me that it was not a proper line and the public had to mail them in, or give them to Bridge. Bridge doesnt and never did handle meters. So there was a big dispute, meanwhile the public getting pissed because they would not let me accept them, though I was perfectly willing to do it. This went on for months.

Another common thing would be people calling in asking for directions to the Hemet location. I was not cleared and did not have a clue where it is. These would be truck drivers making deliveries and so forth. So then I would have to get one of the Int Cleared people onto the phone with them to give directions.

One time the parents of someone uplines showed up there and started a whole thing about that they were not leaving until they saw their son. Well, there son was uplines. She was really upset because I would not give her any information, plus I had none to give! She was a wog and I hadn't the slighest idea what to say. So then someone Int Cleared called uplines and got the son on the phone and they talked. She was fine. After she came up to me and asked me why I didnt just tell her that her son was in Canyon Country (I dont even know where that is now).

Wendel was the CO Gold for a stint there and he asked that I stay with his daughter in an apartment a couple of blocks off the base. They suspected she had been molested or something and they wanted a female around her so she would feel safe. So I stayed there for 6 months or so, while her parents were away.

When I was WAY younger (just remembered this) - maybe this was early 80's or so, if anyone knows the date better, please help. I am not good with dates. I ended up babysitting the child of Aurthur Hubbards wife. It was not his child, but he was married to someone who had a kid. They lived on the 8th floor of Lebenon Hall - they had the entire floor made into a penthouse for him, with a balcony and all. It was pretty nice actually. The kid was alright. He had a tarantula in a cage and he taught me that they are not deadly and you could actually play with them, which we did on many occasions (maybe that is why I like spiders and I have never been afraid of them).

During this time Peter Schless was recruited for the Sea Org. I remember it because someone mentioned to me that he had taken LSD, but his approval to join the SO was overridden by his recruiter (hint, short, blond, bossy, took over running a religion) and he went through his EPF in like a week and his clearances in 24 hours and he was whisked away uplines.

There was a heavy push on musicians going uplines right in this time period, and I dont remember the names of them all, but they were all whisked uplines in very short order right in that same time period with Peter. Some of them are still there.

Right around this time, Ray Mithoff and his wife came through for Clearances too from Flag. They were whisked away in a day or two.

These were all just things I saw - but in my own life, I was just answering phones, reading novels on post time (yep!), ditching study time, leaving early from post and practicing dancing. There was a whole group of us that were dancing and we actually did several performances in that time period.

(if anything seems confusing or doesnt make sense, feel free to ask me and I will try to clarify. My dates are jumbled up in the story a bit, cause I jump around in time, sorry about that!)

Wanna know how large a freeloader bill can get?

Ok, just for snits and giggles, I have decided to write out all of the training and processing that I have done, just so you all have it in one place....

Admin training:

EPF Courses
Staff Status One and Two
Exec Status One
OEC Vol 0 and 5
A zillion Full Hats

Tech Training:

Student Hat
Upper Indoc TR's Course
Level 0 - IV
Class IV INternship (pre-GAT and post GAT - twice)
Class V Course and Intership (PreGAT and post GAT)
Grad V Auditor Course
Grad V Auditor intership (pre-GAT)
Class 4 C/S Course and INternship
Class 5 C/S Course and Internship
Class V Grad Course and Internship
Class VI (GAT) and Internship (GAT)
Class IV C/S Course again (not GAT, they just made me redo it)
Mini Course Sup Course
Pro Word Clearer Course and Internship
Pro Sup Course and Intership (at least twice - one pre GAT and one Post GAT)
All the tech specialist courses: Allergy/Asthma, Fear of People, Assists, Intro Auditing, Group Processing, Vital Info RD, Happiness Rundown, Scn DRD Auditor Course, and probably a few more.
CCRD Auditor Course
(I also studied the entire Running Program for FESing, but never C/Sed or delivered it)
KTL and LOC Delivery Courses

FPRD on 8 dynamics at least twice. And at least 25 more tailormade FPRD Forms (not exagerating)
Attested Clear, then did OT I - IV
Then I did Grades: ARC SW to Grade IV (yes, as an OT IV)
Started on NOTS. Got up to step 16, which is the one that addresses R/Ses.

Thats all I remember for now. More may come to mind later.

Having done alot of these actions twice, I "have" to pay for them twice.

I am a keyed out OT with full perception, cleared on all 8 dynamics and a perfect being. Now I gotta fix the rest of the world so they can see it too....:eek:


I forgot to mention that there is a second abortion which occured. (hell, my whole story is out, let's tell the rest...). No, this is not part II, that one has to wait still.

Anyways, when I completed the RPF, somewhere in 2000 or 2001, my husband and I were still together. And I ended up pregnant. We went on LOA to visit his family in Europe and that was where I discovered that I was pregnant.

We talked his Scientologist sister into paying for the abortion. She knew what the money was for.

We did it in a little town out there (it was hard to find someone who would do them because they were illegal out there).

Anyways, due to the scheduling of the abortion, I was going to end up returning from LOA one day late. What a flap that was! My org called me 10 times a day to find out what was going on. I would not explain over the phone what was happening. I just told them I would be back one day later. So when I got back, the abortion was not done very well and I was in a lot of pain and needed rest. I had been travelling for almost 24 hours already.

My org was very angry at me for returning late and it was about to get into justice. I explained that I had to get an abortion. I got about 5 seconds of sympathy (totally unexpected) and then they expected me to be on post and get on with things. I could barely move and I was pretty sure there was an infection.

Anyways, odly enough, I ended up reading positive on pregnant and could not get birth control pills. Turns out the abortion was not completed properly and I had to get alot of treatment in order to clean it up so I would be back in good health. Through all this I was expected to be on post full time 12 + hours per day. I was still reading pregant 3 months after the abortion. (finally completed to resolution when I was on the RPF again.

Meanwhile, that whole flap happened with my RPF twin and he was ordered bac to the RPF, and I had to go too. And that was the begining of the end of my marriage for good. He got tired of waiting for me.

There is more to the story of how I ended up back on the RPF and the begining part of that which I am noting here to remind myself about for the next installment of my forever neverending story.

More reflections

I remembered in Sept 91, right after the amnesty, a few of us were put together to help put together Cine Hat packs. These were training materials/courses for the cine (Gold shoot crew) to do. At the time, the shoot crew were on the Ship doing filming. They wanted all of the packs compiled before they returned, as it was going to be some sort of gift (some gift, I am sure they were all ordered to do it, stay up late to complete, tight TM's etc, after we were done).

Anyways, this group of about 20 of us stayed up day and night compiling the materials. They had all of the LRH references, plus they had the instruction manuals for every single piece of equiptment that they used. We had to blow them up so they were all on lgal sized paper (instruction booklets come in all shapes and sizes and we copied and altered them until they were the right size). I personally spent a week straight without sleep on this. We were not given much time, as our time frame (TM) was tight.

I do remember one time they told us we could go to sleep for 4 hours, then we had to return. I internally laughed. I knew everyone would be late and get in alot of trouble for that. So instead, I went to visit my brother. He gave me a bike that day, and I rode around for a few hours getting some space (which was awesome cause I went straight from the RPF to this full time non stop project and needed the space) and then went right back to work.

After we finished the project, the crew acted happy and thanked us, but you could see them internally rolling their eyes, knowing another TM was going to come out of it. So sad. I kinda felt sorry for them.

I hated those tight TM study things. I probably have a couple more to remember too.

(Note for me: the Div summaries psychosis)

Mr Bad - they tols me my FL bill would be around 150,000 USD. They still hav not been able to give me an accurate figure. And one of the crappy things about it is alot of courses done more than once, and I have to pay for every time I did it (including the certainty courses and everything). I must have done metering like 5 times. Crazy. All because THEY kept changing the tech and the checksheets. It's BS. (Excuse me, cause I am still somewhat of a lady, but with people like that, why should I be polite?)

Div summaries: (don't remember the date, but it was during the LA riots).

When the Divisional Summaries came out - I am guessing early - mid 90's, and the CC Basic Hat, I had to get all of the staff through both of them. And everyone was on a different schedule. And I had a mission up my rear trying to get everyone through. It was hell. I was essentially running a courseroom 24 hours a day for a while there. And this f*cking missionare (scuse me) named Geri Tiveron was a b*itch. She used to scream at me at the top of her lungs while I was supping the courseroom, disturbing all of the students on course, because one person didnt show up and I did not get them (though I was already suping 50 others, when LRH says 30 per sup), and I could not leave the courseroom to get them.

Finally one day after her face rip I took off. I was so pissed off, working so hard, only to get constantly creamed. I kept thinking why the heck I dedicated myself to that? I dont mind helping out, but to treat me like that?
F off is what I say.

I went to visit my brother, who lived nearby. He let me stay over the night and I went into the org the next day and got taken off post. Knowing the CO would not be able to count his stats unless I was on post, I went back on post (only cause at that time I respected him).

RIght in the middle of all that, the LA riots broke out. I think the evolution had just about wrapped up, only a few left, so I was no longer supping 24 hours a day. I was just getting ready to walk 3 miles home (the walk was always voluntary and refreshing) and we were stopped by security and told about the riots. So we were supposed to get a ride home. But they needed people to help on security watch. So I decided to help out. I was given a radio and posted up on the roof to watch the boundaries. It was kinda cool because the rioters were in packs and they would start fires everywhere they went. And so you could see where they were travelling because of the line of fires they would start (mostly buildings, but also they put cars on fire).

The whole city was really out of control. Vandalism all over the place. Actually someone did manage to throw a molotov cocktail onto the property - where the paking lot is now. At the time, it was under construction and so was mostly a dirt pit with tractors and so forth.

I remember one time two of the guys downstairs scared the crap out of each other. One's radio handle was "Rodney", the other was "King". They got a kick out of that. They heard a noise down where the tractors were. They asked for radio silence as they snuck up on the noise. It was really tense as they were doing this. It ended up being the machinery cooling off. It makes loud clicking noises as it cools off. That was pretty funny.

Despite working all day, I didnt mind doing the night watches, cause it was like a buncha friends hanging out. I remember the police mentioned that the riots would be over on the first of the month (they had already locked down the city and miltary had taken over, including tanks going down Hollywood Blvd - it got that bad). We were wondering how they knew when it would be over - because the people rioting would be in line to pick up welfare checks . That is how they knew. All the rioters were on welfare! It was funny at the time, ok?

Anyways, trying to keep you all entertained while I remember some things that happened...

More reflections

I just got to thinking more about the early days.

I remember the road trip to LA to join the Sea Org. Besides that, my mom told me other things about it. At the time, my dad was getting declared and we packed up to join the SO. She told me she changed her mind when she got to LA and took us to Disneyland instead. I think the next day she joined the Sea Org. I was 2 1/2 and my brother was a year or so older than me.

I remember the Melrose building, but only vaguely. I remember playing in the yard outside alot. After that, we were moved to the Fountain Building (later resold because the earthquakes damage) and all of the kids were there. Then they aquired the ATA, which was down the street from the fountain building, which is now used more for storage and event preps than anything else. Then we were all moved to the CEO, which is a building that doesnt exist anymore. It was where they put the Atrium at CCI (Paviliion, whatever you wanna call it).

I think that the nannies that we had, though there were not enough, actually cared about the kids. But at the same time, it seemed like they were put there cause they didnt qual for anything else. It just seemed to me there was a hint of rejection in them. Maybe it was frustration. We were not the easiest kids to take care of.

It's harsh for me to say this, but I felt they cared more than the parents, in most cases that I saw. Some parents really did care about their kids and would come and see them. And I used to be jealous of that. My mom never seemed to be part of our lives, in my mind. When she did manage to get time with us, she would sleep and not be with us at all.

I do remember she had an old datsun manual car and we used to go places sometimes. But I dont remember much. Maybe just shopping. I think that was in my later years anyways.

In the earlier years, in the CEO, they did have the kids seperated by age groups. I do remember they had an area for newborns.

At one point, early on, they did decide to do something about having so many kids, and the rules they put in was that you had to have a PO approved before you could get pregnant. They wanted to finances covered before you had any kids. This was way early on - sometime in the early 80's or so. I remember Donna Proffit got approval and she was going to have another kid. That was before they decided if you get pregnant you go to Class V Org, before if you get pregnant, you get Comm Ev'ed (which is the current thing) and offloaded and spouse is convinced to stay in SO and female is left in the world with 500.00 and thats it.

I think I learned independance early on. I think that was a good thing. Since being out, I have done well by myself and do not need to depend on anyone. I like to be able to say I accomplished that. I think anyone who makes it out can, as long as they are given a little "push start" in the right direction. (knock on wood)


From what I know, there has never been anyone FORCED to have an abortion. However, if you choose to keep the pregnancy and child, you will be Comm Ev'ed and kicked out of the Sea Org and treated like a "degraded being". Your spouse (the male) will be pressured to stay in the Sea Org. The female will be sent out with $500.00 and that is it. They may or may not help set you up with a place to stay and possibly a job in a Scientology business.

I love the idea of being an orphan. Maybe then I wouldn't have to pretend I have a mother. I think that makes me feel better than pretending that my mother was actually a mother. Thinking of my life as if I were an orphan, that makes more sense to me! Because that is essentially what occured.

I did remember that I did get dental work when I needed it though. My mom used to take me to the dentist to get cavities filled. I had many root canals as a child and many cavities. She had the time to take me to the dentist, but never to make sure I knew how to brush my teeth? Weird.

Been getting some more dental work done recently and it reminded me of it. All my teeth have been cared for by the dentists, they have never been left a long time without being fixed, but still, if I had been brushing daily and not eating tons of candy and sodas - they would likely be in better shape right now.

Hereditarily though, I do have a nice set of teeth. Thanks mom!;)

Mom, I still love you. Please wake up.


More reflections

I remembered me and my brother, at a young age, when he taught me about stealing. I am fortunate in the fact that after 91 RPF, I did not continue that activity, though I do not know if I just plain old grew up, or the made up past existence audited at the time was actually my track and as-ised. In any case, when I was young, I remember clearly my brother teaching me to steal.

As background, you must understand that because my brother was older than me, he always got the better of everything. That was a game I could never win. And so, when he showed me the parking stand in the lot next to PAC Base where they kept money in a drawer, he sent me over to take money out. Because I wanted everything to be even, I decided that I must take 2 of each thing, so that he could not try to get extra. And so I stood there, grabbing two 20 dollar bills, two 10's, etc. I was just counting out 2 pennies when I saw two feet that were certainly not my brothers. Hmmmm.. Not good, I think (though I had never stolen and didnt know what kind of trouble I was going to get into). Anyways, he took the money back and sent me on my way, without any other trouble, but suggested that I find somewhere else to steal from.

Later we learned to snatch from local grocery stores. I would stuff it under my shirt and get out. I finally got caught when I tried to stuff and entire humoungous bag of doritos under my shirt and they turned me in! My mom had to come pick me up. How embarrasing that was!!! She was so mad at me and my brother, cause we were playing hooky from school too.

I am sure everyone has their childhood moments of being bad. And maybe mine are no different from the next guy. I guess the thing that makes me wonder is that this church claims to have all the answers to getting the dynamic in order and all, meanwhile, the people preaching it can't keep their own dynamics in any sort of order. Maybe its not for lack of trying, but given the lack of time.... it leaves the benefit of the doubt.

I think considering myself an orphan is kinda cool.

Now, I don't think I have had the worse life by any means. I just think that the route I went could have easily been diverted by basic parent training. And the parent was there, but way to busy to be dealing with such menial things as CHILDREN.



have been thinking about the time when I did my Solo Levels (OT I - III) and thought I could reflect more on those.

First thing was that I was having a very rough time in auditing, with constant migraine headaches (like 3 per week). These were incapacitating headaches. They went on like that for a couple of years. They did finally go away, but I couldn't say what made them go away. But they were going on all through the OT Levels that I did.

OT I was fun, and simple. I did not run into anything on that level.

In the middle of OT II Course, I became very ill. I was in the courseroom one day and I could hardly sit up. I remember one time I woke up the sup was giving me an assist. I think I passed out or something.

OT II was weird cause I was warned that while on it, the physical universe could seem to be moving around (like rolling walls and things). So then I was always looking for them, never found them.

Well, I audited away on that level for a while, and then attested.

OT III was rough for me. When I read the materials, Allen Hubbert was there in the room with me, smiling away. What a sweet guy he is. Anyways, he wanted to be there when I read the materials. I think because I was saying things in session about those types of things before I ever read the materials. Who knows how. I thought it was causing my headaches, actually.

Well, anyways, one time I had to do a clay demo. I had a very hard time with clay demos on the OT Levels. I did the thing and the sup flunked it like 3 or 4 times. And I got really pissed off and took all the clay and smashed it against the wall. It was really bright colored clay and made a huge mess. Anyways, I spent the next day cleaning up everything and clearing MU's.

I finally got through the theory and started auditing. That was when I got the flu that knocked me off my ass. That was a really bad flu. They wanted me to Solo audit and fix myself but I couldnt. My temp was way too high and I could not read a meter. And so Allen gave me some auditing until I could get it done myself. And that worked out alright.

I remember being a very reactive person during that period. I am sorry to those who were at the receiving end of that wrath. For some reason, I was a very angry person. I was very easily upset. I think stress of the post I had made it worse. I was made to feel like a useless person who did nothing all day, though I worked my ass off on my post. I hated every minute of that post, and was very happy to be off it.

I was thinking about it, and how it relates to now. I have made major improvements on reactiveness and rarely ever get as reactive and angry as I did back in those days. I think the stress back then was too much. Maybe that is where the headaches were coming from. I definitely stopped getting them after I got off that post.

Since being out, a tough thing for me is changing patterns of behaviour. Anybody else running into that? It's really odd for me to be raised like that out in the Sea Org, and know it as the only way to be and to find out people are NOT like that in the real world. That rude behaviour is very much not going to get you very far. But in the Sea Org it is accepted and is a "make it go right" attitude". Such a shame. I am still slowly but surely coming out of those patterns. I remember someone telling me it took them 6 years or so to stop thinking like a Sea Org member and start acting like a normal person. I can't wait until its all out of my system!!!

My reasons for posting my story, though it is tough on me, and some is even quite embarrasing. My whole life is here on display, you know? And alot of people have shown respect and support for me having done that. And I thank all of you for that.

My reasons for posting my story are many, but mainly to expose what it is like being raised like that, seperated from family and all.

There are still more reflections, so I asked to be able to post them.

When I was sent to the RPF in 99, shortly after that, a letter was sent to me from my aunt. I had not ever heard from this aunt, ever, because it is my dads sister. My dad, being declared, was not part of our lives.

And so, with letters possibly containing bad news, an MAA was always with you when you read the letter, in case of bad reactions, they would be there to stop you from blowing, to check your indicators and so forth.

So I get handed this letter. What does it say? "Your grandfather has passed away. Please don't ask for money". My first reaction to this letter was "why is she writing to me? I am not allowed to be connected to her because she is connected to my dad". And this is what I told the MAA. So we decided to ignore the letter.

I never wrote back, never sent flowers, nothing. The last time that I had seen my grandfather was also in 82. I loved him. He used to own an antique shop that I used to play in during the summer. I loved those kid days when nothing was my problem.

Later I very much regretted how I handled this. I still do.

My point is, the reaction. It is so heartless. And this is normal for people in the SO. You send something bad in, they are going to figure out how to "make it go right". It is such a sad sad thing.

Now I am trying to find her. After 9 years, and only one letter, it may be very very tough

I would like to add that I did find my aunt. She is some sort of teacher, like my father (it is his sister).

She has been very much in touch with us these last few months. She has been very happy to hear from us (I cant say who us is yet, so dont ask, thanks. But its good that its us).

I am amazed to find out more and more of the story of what occured way back when.

A strange thing, I need to add here. Maybe this happens to everyone, I dont know, but I feel like mentioning it anyways. I never really felt loved by my mother. And my father was never around. And my brother, we got along ok, but we fought like normal kids too. My husband was alright I think, but he always wanted a divorce. Only very snall periods of love there - a few months at a time before it would go back to the doubt.

I guess I am used to not being loved. There you have it. And I live with that, and move on.

But my point in saying all this is: My aunt does love me and my brother. She has been in touch with me and I have discovered that she really wanted to adopt me and my brother, just so that we could be raised with a normal life and be able to make our own decisions on things.

Obviously that never happened.

And my grandmother on that side of the family got into a huge fight with my mother when I was 10, saying that I was really rude. Reason was because I was trying to force my grandmother to be a Scientologist by throwing and tantrum fit on the floor of their house. They did not know what to do about that.

And after that, there was very little contact with my fathers side of the family.

The last time I tried to contact my grandmother was when I was getting married. She hung up on me 5 times. Because she did not know who I was. I just kept calling her back until she would talk to me.

I told her that I was going to get married. First thing she said was "well, if it doesnt work, get rid of him!", then she said congratulations, after I asked her how long she had been married, which was over 50 years.

That was the last time I talked to her.

I really wish I had the chance to know my family more.

Instead of regretting the past, I think I will look to the future. And that will be an empty canvas, which I can fill with whatever I chose.

Peace and love to you all. And thank you for your support.


27 Jan 2008
With all the media about Scn and so forth, I have recently been informed that my story has been "digged". That is cool!

I understand that there may be words used that are not understood by those not in the church. If anyone is interested in understanding the story better, please feel free to send me a PM with any question you have, or just post it on this thread.

My father was ex-communicated from the church and not allowed to see me for over 25 years. What horrible aweful evil thing could he have done that they would impart such a harsh punishment on him? Did he kill someone? Embezzlement? Rape? What?

None of those.

Here is why:

When I was 2 years old, I ended up with the chicken pox and the flu at the same time. My temp was 106 and I was very ill. My father, who worked in the local church, wanted to be with me while I was ill. So he refused to go to work that day.

So the church members got upset and pushy with him and he decided not to be part of the church anymore, because of the way that it was being managed. And he left.

And that is why I was not in my fathers life and he was not in mine, for over 25 years.

Scientology needs to PROVE that they dont break up families. Let's see some evidence. Liars.


I also want to mention, as it is worthy of note:

Because I have been ex-communicated from the church, I have lost all my friends and my mother and brother, who cannot and will not talk to me until I rectify things with the church.

After dedicating myself for 32 years FULL TIME (which is 13 - 15 hours PER DAY, 7 days a week) to this church, they expect me to pay them over $150,000.00 for training and processing services rendered, and beg for their forgiveness.

I owe NOTHING to this cult. NOTHING.

They have taken: My life, my schooling, let me be repeatedly molested and covered it up, persuaded me to get two abortions and kept me away from my father for 25 years.

My full story is far more detailed. All are welcome to read it. Even my mother. I hope she wakes up to the truth someday.

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