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Saturday, 22 December 2012
Kim Baker My Story PDF Print E-mail
Part 7

THE "DARLING" OF THE CULT

I continued with my auditor training - from Level 0 to Level 1. I learnt how to audit people, and I spent a lot of time auditing. I always had excellent results on my pcs : in metered sessions, I got a lot of TA motion (Tone arm motion - a measurement on the meter of how much "charge" is gotten off the person) - I always got "Very Well Done" grades on my sessions and (guilt!) some people joined staff, and even the Sea Org (when Johannesburg came down to recruit), after I had audited. I never ONCE made an error with my auditing. So, my sessions kept people "winning" and as a result, endeared them to the cult.

GUILT!

I have SO much guilt over this - then, I enjoyed the "power" of being able to run sessions so well, of having vulnerable people get deeper into Scientology because they got "wins" from my application of Hubbard's auditing technology. This is not easy for me to admit publically - but by sharing those parts of me that I am deeply ashamed of, I am aiming to help people understand how human failings DO play their part in this cult - the cult would not be able to continue as it is without these human failings to exploit.

A LUCKY ESCAPE

At this stage, a recruitment team came to Cape Town, from Flag. They took one look at me, at the results on my pcs, even though I was only auditing the lower levels, and they decided they wanted me, and wanted me BAD. They put the pressure on - to join the Sea Org at Flag and do the Class 8 Auditor Training program. I was so far gone, I wanted it too - more than anything I had ever wanted. Ironically, it was another human failing that saved me - (grin) my ex- husband's ego! He just could not STAND the thought that I would "progress" in Scientology way ahead of him. He was already having great difficulty in dealing with my "success" at the local Org, this was just the end for him! Not that he would have minded going to the States, or joining the Sea Org, but he was PEEVED that they didn't offer it to him. He said that if I went, he would divorce me, and make things VERY difficult for me financially. I still loved him, even though our marriage was such a monumental failure - I was not prepared to give up on the marriage yet. And so I resisted the VERY professional pressure that Flag put on me to join.

LEAVING STAFF

The pressure I was under, the long hours, the discipline, the adverse effect on my day job, my buried disagreeements slowly began to take their toll - something deep, deep inside of me was beginning to revolt at being on staff. I was like a shooting star that burnt out - because despite my success on staff, the SPIRITUAL side of me had virtually died. The reason I joined staff - to help people - had been perverted into a fast-paced intensity of stats, power-hunger, ego- stroking - in fact it had very little to do with my concept of help. I had lost my ability to love and care (dirty words in Scientology vocabulary), I lost my self-determinism, my ability to be analytical - and I had become hard, cold, manipulative, charming, forceful, aggressive, cruel and very, very impatient with slowness.

My marriage was in tatters, and I had treated my family and friends abominably. Something deep, deep inside of me cried out - ENOUGH !!!!!! And so, I routed off staff. They couldn't give me a security check, because of the order that I could have no auditing (by the way, the Jhb Case Supervisor, D. K. is now in the RPF - Rehabilitation Project Force - I am VERY upset about this), and so they couldn't stop me from leaving.

The Cape Town Case Supervisor, J., who had been on staff for 6 years before I joined, and was my senior, was shocked that I wanted to leave. She wanted to know why - basically I told her that the spiritual side of me was dying. She was affected in a MAJOR way by this, and left 2 weeks after I did. She cited my leaving as the reason for her leaving. I was hit with a Freeloader Bill of R9500 for the courses I had studied. Like an idiot, I took a loan out from the Bank, because I still wanted to continue with Scientology. I had also taken out another loan, while on staff, of R5600 for a life-time membership to the International Association of Scientologists. This was a result of an aggressive money-raising campaign by the IAS to combat the "suppression" of Scientology in Germany. The debts were getting deeper and deeper.

Part 8

After leaving staff, I was very difficult to live with. I took a break from Scientology, but could not settle into normal life. I was irritable and aggressive, felt empty and purposeless. The intesity was gone, and normal human life irritated and bored me. My ex was much nicer to me - he was pleased that I had stepped out of the "lime-light" - now HE could get some attention, and ironically, our marriage improved a while. But, I was restless.

BEING "PUBLIC" AGAIN

I missed the Org, and Scientology, and so I signed up for two more courses - the PTS/SP course and Level 2 Auditor Training. (Cost: R3000, and a further loan from the Bank). I went back onto course, and everything felt "right" again. The PTS/SP (Potential Trouble Source/ Suppressive Person) course deals with Suppression, and vulnerability to Suppression. It teaches the Scientologist how to "handle" any criticism of Scientology or Hubbard, and includes the policy on "How to handle Black PR" (Black propoganda is assumed to be any criticism of Scientology).

This is a very, very interesting course, and VERY revealing as to how the cult responds to criticism. Of course, there are deeper levels, and I have seen these (won't say how or who) - deadly stuff, if used correctly. I started my Level 2 course, and was almost finished, when something happened that altered my life dramatically.

THE END OF MY MARRIAGE:

It was December 1993, when my ex was offered a job in Johannesburg. Much more money, and closer to a much bigger Org. He accepted it, and at the end of January, 1994, he left. Just like that. He told everyone up there (I only found this out fairly recently) that I hadn't gone with him, because I didn't love him anymore. In fact, I hadn't joined him, because I didn't have time to find a job up there, and I knew that he would NEVER support me financially while I was looking. I had all these debts, and I couldn't just stop working.

So, I stayed on in Cape Town, but started to look for employment in Johannesburg - not knowing, at this stage, what he had told everyone. By June, 1994, I had negotiated a job, and he flew down to discuss the logistics of moving. It soon became apparent that he did not want me to join him. I later found out that if I did, it would ruin the new "image" he had built up for himself in the Scientology community - the image that people had seen through in Cape Town. After some predictable and protracted fights, we agreed to divorce. He didn't want to do it - didn't have time, he said, so I instituted proceedings, and the divorce went through, uncontested, in August 1994. He will NEVER be called to book for his actions within the Church of Scientology, by the way - their so-called "justice" system is flawed - because he makes (and gives them) a lot of money, they will never make him answer for any of this. So much for their "justice".

DISCOVERING ALT.RELIGION.SCIENTOLOGY

It was in August that I discovered a.r.s. I had been cyber-surfing for months before, and stumbled on it by accident. I was fascinated, amazed at how much people dared to say. I lurked for quite a while, and then "boldly" started posting a few articles - on racism, sexism - and a few minor disagreements that I had had. OSA Africa phoned me shortly after that, and read back some of my articles to me. I received quite a shock, I did not realise that they were aware of the board. OSA Africa, by the way, does not have a connection to the Internet, yet, so OSA International must have informed them.

MY "HANDLING"

Someone flew down from the Sea Org, in Johannesburg on a mission. Part of the mission was to "handle" me. C did an "ethics" handling on me. Something in me rebelled at the objection of the Church to my postings, and I posted my annoyance to the net. Remember, although I had posted a few critical articles, I had not, within myself, made a break from Scientology. My criticism stemmed from the contradictions - the racism isssue, many others, and the fact that my ex-husband had behaved in a way that I couldn't reconcile with him being "Clear."

After I had posted my annoyance to the net, i.e had disobeyed their order to "shut up" they, sent in the heavies. Now I KNOW everyone wants to know about this part the most. I would ask everyone now, to please respect my right to privacy on this one - there is a very, very good reason that I don't post this - in that it enters the arena of legal action - I am not going to sue, but I would like to have it as a trump card if ever the harassment gets too much. Please respect this right, and accept that it may be my only defence against them if the need arises. It is sufficient to day that my "handling" was co- ercive in nature, and that it succeeded in "snapping" me back into the mind-set of a Scientologist. Which upset a great number of the a.r.s. community.

Part 9

BEING A SCIENTOLOGIST ON A.R.S

And so, I started posting as a Scientologist to a.r.s. I received private communications from a few Scientologists who lurk here - "Welcome back to the Theta world" type of thing - there weren't many - about 5, after the infamous "Doubt announcement" posting. I was not allowed to join the Scientologist forum, "Theta-L" until I had worked my way up into a condition of "Normal" (this would take QUITE a while). And that's when they made their first mistake. Because at that stage, I was totally committed to being a Scientologist. They denied me communication, as a punishment, I suppose, but they did NOT realise how much communication I was receiving in private from the members of a.r.s - "Delete all entheta mail" they said - but how could I delete messages which showed nothing but care and concern? To me, those messages were NOT entheta, and so I read them, each and every one.

To all of those who wrote to me then, I say THANK YOU - your strongest weapon was the fact that you CARED, you genuinely CARED, and that reached deep, deep in, below all the mind-control, and touched me. It played a MAJOR role in helping me finally break with the Church.

A NOTE ABOUT DENNIS AND I Most of you will remember the fracas between Dennis Erlich and I, when he posted my private e-mail. He took MAJOR heat over that, and I feel it necessary to explain my part in it. When I first arrived on a.r.s., I befriended him in private, and we became good friends. Then, when I suddenly turned, I stopped communicating with him. He became convinced that I was an OSA operative, and thought I had been all along - I DON'T BLAME him - when you have been in as deep into the Church as he has, when you have been betrayed by double-double- counter agents as many times as he has, what else could he think? In fact, and THIS is the REAL danger of mind-control - NO-ONE instructed me to go for Dennis, I decided, from my Scientology mind- set, that Dennis was to be attacked, because he has been declared a Suppressive person.

And now I am going to open up and expose a part of myself that I am DEEPLY, deeply ashamed of. I had seen the hopelessly incompetent attempts of the Scientologists to try and "handle" a.r.s. - embarressingly stupid. Brian Wenger's posting of Dennis's files onto the net was just IDIOTIC. All that did was disgust everyone. So, I saw what was needed and wanted - "handle" a.r.s - start by exposing Dennis Erlich as a Suppressive. But let him do it HIMSELF. So, I provoked Dennis. I manoevred him into a position where he had no choice but to attack me (CRINGE - I knew he cared enough to do it, if he didn't care, he would have left it, because he's no fool, he knew EXACTLY what I was doing - I USED his care for me against him!!) He also knew, that I was a bit brighter than most of the Scientologists here, and he knew that I was dangerous - he tried to warn others, and with good reason - because I knew what I was going to do next to handle a.r.s. - go for the sharp ones, individually - Martin had quite a tussle with me, in private, but I backed off. I couldn't coninue with it, it sickened me.

And so Dennis went for me. Only he and I knew what was really going on. He got flamed. My strategy was a success. It turned many people (not all, some saw through it) against him. How were you all to know what you were dealing with??? THIS is the deviousness that mind- control creates. I am really, really sorry everyone. If you feel disgust for me, I understand. I feel utter disgust for myself, that I sunk to such depths. And that I was so good at it. No, I still don't think publishing private e-mail without the person's permission is acceptable. But in this one instance, it was all Dennis could do. Dennis and I are friends again. We have made up, he has forgiven me. He understands. I am still ashamed of it, I still have to work through my guilt.

Part 10

So, I had gained the admiration of some of the Scientologists on the net with my "success" in "exposing" Dennis. They are divided on the a.r.s issue - some feel that a.r.s are just a "bunch of misfits" and that Scientologists should NOT post to a.r.s., and give the "SPs" a "game" - they think that if there are no Scientologists posting, you'll all get bored and just go away. Hah! Others feel that something should be done to handle a.r.s., and those were the ones who were very, very impressed by my "handling" of Dennis. Ironically, (and here comes ANOTHER contradiction), they all felt that I had done MAJOR damage to the Church with my first few "critical" postings. Yet, they consider a.r.s not important!

If they respond to my public confession at all, it will probably be to quote "The code of a Scientologist", and say that my "handling" of Dennis was a violation of this code, and therefore I was not acting as a Scientologist should. Hah! That is double-think, and a classic way that they set people up to take the fall for something, while denying any part in it themselves. An old strategy. No, I was acting EXACTLY as a Scientologist should, when dealing with a "Suppressive".

THE FINAL BREAK FROM THE CULT

The episode with Dennis shocked me - at what I was capable of. It resulted in me splitting into TWO DISTINCT personalitites - the real me, and the "Scientologist" me. I was still waiting for the famed Security Check that I had agreed to go in for when I first "re- converted". I went through one of the most intense inner struggles that I have EVER been through, and I became impatient for the Security Check and Clearance, which would enable me to go back into Scientology. I knew that the "Scientology" me was losing the battle. And this is the second mistake the Church made. If they had got me in for my Sec Check, at this stage, I would have been lost forever. It was THAT close.

Fortunately for me, and many others, their own incompetence and slowness delayed the Security Check. In the meantime, while continuing to read a.r.s., I saw the affidavits, and then the exposure of Scientology infiltration into our new government here in South Africa by a South African newspaper. Well do I know that WISE is a front group for Scientology. This, combined with the hundreds of private communications I continued to receive from concerned members on a.r.s, who would not give up on me, and my deep guilt over what had happened with Dennis, and what I nearly did to Martin (and others) in private - all cumulatively led to the TRUE me winning. Deep, deep inside, I made the break. I posted to a.r.s for the first time in ages, in response to the article on South Africa. This brought in several stern reprimands from Scientologists on the net. I had been ordered NOT to read a.r.s anymore. I ignored them. I continued posting, and the ME, the REAL ME came flooding back, with FORCE. My cult persona was finally dead! I was BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! FREEDOM!!!

I have been REVELLING in my freedom to communicate again, and since I started posting the "my story" series, I have been FLOODED with communications from around the world. OSA must have panicked, realising that they had bungled over the Sec Check, because their last, most subtle attempt to silence me, using my dear friend H to get me back, was the most deadly on their part. That was the true test for me. In breaking with her, I have broken my last link to them, forever! It hurt like bloody hell, but I had seen enough to know. I can never trust her again, she is answerable to Flag by virtue of being an OT8, and I know she will lie to me, or trick me, if it is necessary.

I WILL BE ATTACKED SOON They will probably declare me a Suppressive person, in my absence, and not inform me. Now that they have realised that I am not going back, that I will NEVER go back, they will haul out their tired old "How to handle Black PR" policy - and they will try to discredit me, ruin my reputation, expose my "overts", and if this fails...well, THAT will be interesting, because, per the policy, "ONLY COUNTERATTACK handles" - so I am prepared for some very real attacks on me now. Open attacks, covert attacks - I am in for it, I know. For daring to speak out. For daring to depart Scientology publically.

I have set up an elaborate system whereby if anything happens to me, you will all be informed of it. Newspapers will be informed of it. Several agencies will be informed of it. And everyone will be informed of many other things too. So, OSA, if you DO resort to covert means, the end result will be VERY embarressing to you. I would advise you to leave me alone.

The personal part of my story is now told. The telling of my story has been like a confession, and exorcism - and I didn't have to pay for it!! It has helped me finish with the Church of Scientology, and the massive feedback I have had tells me it has helped many other people as well - which is wonderful.

The support I have had has been nothing short of ASTOUNDING - I thank you all for your encredible caring, support and love. I love you too! WHERE TO NOW? I have to finish healing, personally, on my own now. In a few days, I am going to take a holiday - mountains, sea (it is summer here!), forests, old friends, art, music, good times!

I am going to reclaim my life for ME before I consider what I will do next. I am not the type of person that can just forget an evil, and go on with my life - so I will be back next year. The CoS will no longer dominate my life, but I WILL give a portion of it to opposing this evil - and focus the rest of my energies on being creative - on working towards constructive goals, so badly needed here in South Africa.

AND FINALLY... Personally, I have not decided on my own spiritual future. When I do, when I am ready, it will be by CHOICE - I can be a sceptic, a buddhist, a freezoner, a Christian - who knows? I have reclaimed the right to DECIDE for myself!

And that is my story. Thank you all for listening. I love you!
Kim Baker

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