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Saturday, 22 December 2012
My Story - Bea Kiddo PDF Print E-mail

I did get to talk to my mom a number of times through all of that and we had some good talks. She helped me financially because she bought my meter from me, which gave me more money to start out with. She also really wanted me to do my A to E and return to lines. She told me she loves me, and we hugged and I left. She knew where I was going. We talked about it, looked at it on a map and everything. (I have since moved though so she does not know where I am).

Unfortunately, she has never mentioned me to family or checked on me at all. I dont know if this is her own doing, or the church.

Meanwhile, I was sent to live with a couple other people who were declared who were willing to help out. I could not stay there long because the guy was (and still is) obsessed with me. He has some weird ideas about me stalking him spiritually. I am about ready to get a restraining order from him.

Meanwhile, I went to a reunion of my family, which I had never been to. People were so glad to see me there. They were also suprized that I was allowed to go. I had a nice long conversation with my grandparents. My grandfather was concerned that I would be going back into the church and didnt want that. I was suprized to find out really how anti-Scn my grandparents are. They never would say stuff to me when I was in, but when I got out, and they knew I was really out, they laid out how they really felt, about the years of frustration, about the embarrassment of their daughter, who they tolerate now, but barely speak to. It's a sad, sad situation.

And I get vacation time at work, paid. And I have already made time to see them several times and they love that. They are so suprized that I am able to visit so much. More than ever in my life.

I can't say my life is awesome or anything. Because there are downfalls. My mother, who I will probably never see, my father, who is declared and is not responding to letters or phone calls and I dont know why. My brother, who is still connected to my mom and Scn, so I can't talk to him either.

Another conversation with my mom was the "PR" story to tell my grandparents. I was to tell them what happened and that I have to fix things. But she even told me when they passed, send flowers, dont go to the funeral because she was going to be there. I agreed at the time.

So that is basically it. Part II was left out and still is at this point. It is a very hard one for me. I may post it later. And also, copying Mate, there will be reflections I am sure. Lots of things to add, with having been in for so long.

Phew. Hope it was a good read, I kept you entertained, and you have learned what it is like being raised in the Sea Org. And, in my mind, I never got a chance to chose if I wanted to be there or not. I guess I assumed it was my only choice. I was afraid of WOGS, afraid of having to find a job (before I joined, not after. After I left I was not concerned about it at all).

Send in questions or input. And peace to you all

Reflections are next.... (part II is gonna have to wait. It is rough for me to tell, and could have ramifications).

When I was really young, in the CEO, there were a few things that happened that I remembered:

We all used to take showers together in a big room. They never had enough towels and so we would have to run around inside the shower room, wall to wall, to dry ourselves off.

I remember when I was 5 a bunch of kids came up to me and told me that two kids were going to try to have sex and we were all going to go watch. We all cramped into this tiny bathroom (right nest to the reception desk, actually, I wonder why they didn't notice). Well, they got naked and tried but it didnt go anywhere. Ha ha.

I was playing around jumping on a bed with Seth Price and I ended up hitting my head (I was about 7) and made a big gash on my head. I do not remember it hurting, but I remember being really upset because I was getting blood all over my favorite outfit. They took me to see Dr. Shields to get fixed up. I was protesting the whole way. I was telling her that it was illegal and she could not touch me without my mom. She told me to stay calm and she was trying to sew up my head. I was moving all around. I remember thinking that I needed a new tactic, because she was not going away. I told her that it was past my bedtime and I had to go. I tried to get up again, and my mom came over (she had just showed up, having been on post and not around when I got injured) and told me to hold still. I was mad at her for siding with the docotor. I thought she should just take me right out of there (when I found out I was getting stiches, wow, I was so excited!!! Everybody else had them, now I had them!! So cool!).

Able Schwartz was another kid around that time who was very out of control. I remember one time he poured gas all around the bed of Sammy Garcia and then lit it on fire, with her in it. We were all standing around watching the flames, trying to see if she was going to wake up. All the sudden we saw a fire man coming up the stairs! We were so excited to see a fireman (this poor girl could have been killed!) and then we found out it was Terry Hammy (our nanny) and we were all like "AWWW, MAN!!! Its only Terry". Poor guy. He was alirght.

And another time Able found a beebee gun or something and went to the roof of the big blue and started shooting the pigeons up there (I think by then, he was posted as an exterminator, because the post fit him well, I guess).

Another time, when he was still a kid, he put a firecracker up the rear of a cat and killed it. That made me cry. I wondered why this kid was allowed to do all that.

(all this stuff in this reflections section is from the 70's)

I barely remember the Melrose building. That was where everyone lived originally. I do remember the yard there and playing in it. Then after that, we moved to the complex (which was white at that time). Then they acquired the Fountain building (which is right across the street from the complex, next to the parking garage that they have). I remember when we got that other building, which was called the ATA (Apollo training academy - was for schooling for kids and also for mid aged kid/teens to grow up. The CEO was for the baby's and toddlers). It was raining that first day we moved over there. And they had a cool fire engine shaped jungle gym thing that we could play on in the back. Cool.

One time my brother and I decided to get pigeon eggs from the roof of the fountain building. (Well, its not really the roof - it is under the roof, but above the ceilings in the apartments). So we went down to check it out and he ended up falling through the roof into the room of our friends the Wrights (or Walzers): Chin Dao, Mettayya, Sayadina, Dharma and the later on Lahai (I dont know how to spell). They were all eating dinner at home (which, come to think of it, we never did) and we landed right there!

Well, Mettayya was my age and we were friends. I kept in touch with her until the late 80's. She was working as a receptionist at a mission in Florida, but then she got married to someone and totally switched religions and was long gone out of Scn.

It's interesting to me to remember some of these names of people from way back when. There are more that I grew up with, in different time periods, but come to mind here, if anyone knows them: Cassavius Tabayoyan, Kim Fries, Sandy Fries, David and Andrew Harris, Bill and Suzanne Feeley, Jennifer and Justine Lipton, Suzanne Reynolds (Wendels step kid I think), Mettayya and that whole gang of sisters. Brings back feelings of the better times.

More reflections later.:cool:

adding on to 88 - 89 era

More reflections here. In 88 - 89 I was holding reception for the PAC Gold Office. I was a kid and did not know much about Scn or anything, but a few things occured there that I would like to mention.

One thing was that we were still playing event videos that had Vicky Aznaran in them. This would have been late 88. I am not sure when the change over occured (with COB). But I remember one public watching the video and deciding to join the Sea Org because there were so many hot chicks in the Sea Org. (Now there's the right purpose, ha ha). He thought VA was one of the hot ones.

There was no line set up properly for the e-meter recertification line. Our office was a recruit office and an Int Readiness Unit (with Maggie Denton and Mike Gilcrest as auditors, and I think Tom Pope and William Carey as recruiters). So public would try to drop off meters and I would take them and send them uplines. They sent them back to me and told me that it was not a proper line and the public had to mail them in, or give them to Bridge. Bridge doesnt and never did handle meters. So there was a big dispute, meanwhile the public getting pissed because they would not let me accept them, though I was perfectly willing to do it. This went on for months.

Another common thing would be people calling in asking for directions to the Hemet location. I was not cleared and did not have a clue where it is. These would be truck drivers making deliveries and so forth. So then I would have to get one of the Int Cleared people onto the phone with them to give directions.

One time the parents of someone uplines showed up there and started a whole thing about that they were not leaving until they saw their son. Well, there son was uplines. She was really upset because I would not give her any information, plus I had none to give! She was a wog and I hadn't the slighest idea what to say. So then someone Int Cleared called uplines and got the son on the phone and they talked. She was fine. After she came up to me and asked me why I didnt just tell her that her son was in Canyon Country (I dont even know where that is now).

Wendel was the CO Gold for a stint there and he asked that I stay with his daughter in an apartment a couple of blocks off the base. They suspected she had been molested or something and they wanted a female around her so she would feel safe. So I stayed there for 6 months or so, while her parents were away.

When I was WAY younger (just remembered this) - maybe this was early 80's or so, if anyone knows the date better, please help. I am not good with dates. I ended up babysitting the child of Aurthur Hubbards wife. It was not his child, but he was married to someone who had a kid. They lived on the 8th floor of Lebenon Hall - they had the entire floor made into a penthouse for him, with a balcony and all. It was pretty nice actually. The kid was alright. He had a tarantula in a cage and he taught me that they are not deadly and you could actually play with them, which we did on many occasions (maybe that is why I like spiders and I have never been afraid of them).

During this time Peter Schless was recruited for the Sea Org. I remember it because someone mentioned to me that he had taken LSD, but his approval to join the SO was overridden by his recruiter (hint, short, blond, bossy, took over running a religion) and he went through his EPF in like a week and his clearances in 24 hours and he was whisked away uplines.

There was a heavy push on musicians going uplines right in this time period, and I dont remember the names of them all, but they were all whisked uplines in very short order right in that same time period with Peter. Some of them are still there.

Right around this time, Ray Mithoff and his wife came through for Clearances too from Flag. They were whisked away in a day or two.

These were all just things I saw - but in my own life, I was just answering phones, reading novels on post time (yep!), ditching study time, leaving early from post and practicing dancing. There was a whole group of us that were dancing and we actually did several performances in that time period.

(if anything seems confusing or doesnt make sense, feel free to ask me and I will try to clarify. My dates are jumbled up in the story a bit, cause I jump around in time, sorry about that!)

Wanna know how large a freeloader bill can get?

Ok, just for snits and giggles, I have decided to write out all of the training and processing that I have done, just so you all have it in one place....

Admin training:

EPF Courses
Staff Status One and Two
Exec Status One
OEC Vol 0 and 5
A zillion Full Hats

Tech Training:

Student Hat
Upper Indoc TR's Course
Level 0 - IV
Class IV INternship (pre-GAT and post GAT - twice)
Class V Course and Intership (PreGAT and post GAT)
Grad V Auditor Course
Grad V Auditor intership (pre-GAT)
Class 4 C/S Course and INternship
Class 5 C/S Course and Internship
Class V Grad Course and Internship
Class VI (GAT) and Internship (GAT)
Class IV C/S Course again (not GAT, they just made me redo it)
Mini Course Sup Course
Pro Word Clearer Course and Internship
Pro Sup Course and Intership (at least twice - one pre GAT and one Post GAT)
All the tech specialist courses: Allergy/Asthma, Fear of People, Assists, Intro Auditing, Group Processing, Vital Info RD, Happiness Rundown, Scn DRD Auditor Course, and probably a few more.
CCRD Auditor Course
(I also studied the entire Running Program for FESing, but never C/Sed or delivered it)
KTL and LOC Delivery Courses

FPRD on 8 dynamics at least twice. And at least 25 more tailormade FPRD Forms (not exagerating)
Attested Clear, then did OT I - IV
Then I did Grades: ARC SW to Grade IV (yes, as an OT IV)
Started on NOTS. Got up to step 16, which is the one that addresses R/Ses.

Thats all I remember for now. More may come to mind later.

Having done alot of these actions twice, I "have" to pay for them twice.

I am a keyed out OT with full perception, cleared on all 8 dynamics and a perfect being. Now I gotta fix the rest of the world so they can see it too....:eek:


I forgot to mention that there is a second abortion which occured. (hell, my whole story is out, let's tell the rest...). No, this is not part II, that one has to wait still.

Anyways, when I completed the RPF, somewhere in 2000 or 2001, my husband and I were still together. And I ended up pregnant. We went on LOA to visit his family in Europe and that was where I discovered that I was pregnant.

We talked his Scientologist sister into paying for the abortion. She knew what the money was for.

We did it in a little town out there (it was hard to find someone who would do them because they were illegal out there).

Anyways, due to the scheduling of the abortion, I was going to end up returning from LOA one day late. What a flap that was! My org called me 10 times a day to find out what was going on. I would not explain over the phone what was happening. I just told them I would be back one day later. So when I got back, the abortion was not done very well and I was in a lot of pain and needed rest. I had been travelling for almost 24 hours already.

My org was very angry at me for returning late and it was about to get into justice. I explained that I had to get an abortion. I got about 5 seconds of sympathy (totally unexpected) and then they expected me to be on post and get on with things. I could barely move and I was pretty sure there was an infection.

Anyways, odly enough, I ended up reading positive on pregnant and could not get birth control pills. Turns out the abortion was not completed properly and I had to get alot of treatment in order to clean it up so I would be back in good health. Through all this I was expected to be on post full time 12 + hours per day. I was still reading pregant 3 months after the abortion. (finally completed to resolution when I was on the RPF again.

Meanwhile, that whole flap happened with my RPF twin and he was ordered bac to the RPF, and I had to go too. And that was the begining of the end of my marriage for good. He got tired of waiting for me.

There is more to the story of how I ended up back on the RPF and the begining part of that which I am noting here to remind myself about for the next installment of my forever neverending story.

More reflections

I remembered in Sept 91, right after the amnesty, a few of us were put together to help put together Cine Hat packs. These were training materials/courses for the cine (Gold shoot crew) to do. At the time, the shoot crew were on the Ship doing filming. They wanted all of the packs compiled before they returned, as it was going to be some sort of gift (some gift, I am sure they were all ordered to do it, stay up late to complete, tight TM's etc, after we were done).

Anyways, this group of about 20 of us stayed up day and night compiling the materials. They had all of the LRH references, plus they had the instruction manuals for every single piece of equiptment that they used. We had to blow them up so they were all on lgal sized paper (instruction booklets come in all shapes and sizes and we copied and altered them until they were the right size). I personally spent a week straight without sleep on this. We were not given much time, as our time frame (TM) was tight.

I do remember one time they told us we could go to sleep for 4 hours, then we had to return. I internally laughed. I knew everyone would be late and get in alot of trouble for that. So instead, I went to visit my brother. He gave me a bike that day, and I rode around for a few hours getting some space (which was awesome cause I went straight from the RPF to this full time non stop project and needed the space) and then went right back to work.

After we finished the project, the crew acted happy and thanked us, but you could see them internally rolling their eyes, knowing another TM was going to come out of it. So sad. I kinda felt sorry for them.

I hated those tight TM study things. I probably have a couple more to remember too.

(Note for me: the Div summaries psychosis)

Mr Bad - they tols me my FL bill would be around 150,000 USD. They still hav not been able to give me an accurate figure. And one of the crappy things about it is alot of courses done more than once, and I have to pay for every time I did it (including the certainty courses and everything). I must have done metering like 5 times. Crazy. All because THEY kept changing the tech and the checksheets. It's BS. (Excuse me, cause I am still somewhat of a lady, but with people like that, why should I be polite?)

Div summaries: (don't remember the date, but it was during the LA riots).

When the Divisional Summaries came out - I am guessing early - mid 90's, and the CC Basic Hat, I had to get all of the staff through both of them. And everyone was on a different schedule. And I had a mission up my rear trying to get everyone through. It was hell. I was essentially running a courseroom 24 hours a day for a while there. And this f*cking missionare (scuse me) named Geri Tiveron was a b*itch. She used to scream at me at the top of her lungs while I was supping the courseroom, disturbing all of the students on course, because one person didnt show up and I did not get them (though I was already suping 50 others, when LRH says 30 per sup), and I could not leave the courseroom to get them.

Finally one day after her face rip I took off. I was so pissed off, working so hard, only to get constantly creamed. I kept thinking why the heck I dedicated myself to that? I dont mind helping out, but to treat me like that?
F off is what I say.

I went to visit my brother, who lived nearby. He let me stay over the night and I went into the org the next day and got taken off post. Knowing the CO would not be able to count his stats unless I was on post, I went back on post (only cause at that time I respected him).

RIght in the middle of all that, the LA riots broke out. I think the evolution had just about wrapped up, only a few left, so I was no longer supping 24 hours a day. I was just getting ready to walk 3 miles home (the walk was always voluntary and refreshing) and we were stopped by security and told about the riots. So we were supposed to get a ride home. But they needed people to help on security watch. So I decided to help out. I was given a radio and posted up on the roof to watch the boundaries. It was kinda cool because the rioters were in packs and they would start fires everywhere they went. And so you could see where they were travelling because of the line of fires they would start (mostly buildings, but also they put cars on fire).

The whole city was really out of control. Vandalism all over the place. Actually someone did manage to throw a molotov cocktail onto the property - where the paking lot is now. At the time, it was under construction and so was mostly a dirt pit with tractors and so forth.

I remember one time two of the guys downstairs scared the crap out of each other. One's radio handle was "Rodney", the other was "King". They got a kick out of that. They heard a noise down where the tractors were. They asked for radio silence as they snuck up on the noise. It was really tense as they were doing this. It ended up being the machinery cooling off. It makes loud clicking noises as it cools off. That was pretty funny.

Despite working all day, I didnt mind doing the night watches, cause it was like a buncha friends hanging out. I remember the police mentioned that the riots would be over on the first of the month (they had already locked down the city and miltary had taken over, including tanks going down Hollywood Blvd - it got that bad). We were wondering how they knew when it would be over - because the people rioting would be in line to pick up welfare checks . That is how they knew. All the rioters were on welfare! It was funny at the time, ok?

Anyways, trying to keep you all entertained while I remember some things that happened...

More reflections

I just got to thinking more about the early days.

I remember the road trip to LA to join the Sea Org. Besides that, my mom told me other things about it. At the time, my dad was getting declared and we packed up to join the SO. She told me she changed her mind when she got to LA and took us to Disneyland instead. I think the next day she joined the Sea Org. I was 2 1/2 and my brother was a year or so older than me.

I remember the Melrose building, but only vaguely. I remember playing in the yard outside alot. After that, we were moved to the Fountain Building (later resold because the earthquakes damage) and all of the kids were there. Then they aquired the ATA, which was down the street from the fountain building, which is now used more for storage and event preps than anything else. Then we were all moved to the CEO, which is a building that doesnt exist anymore. It was where they put the Atrium at CCI (Paviliion, whatever you wanna call it).

I think that the nannies that we had, though there were not enough, actually cared about the kids. But at the same time, it seemed like they were put there cause they didnt qual for anything else. It just seemed to me there was a hint of rejection in them. Maybe it was frustration. We were not the easiest kids to take care of.

It's harsh for me to say this, but I felt they cared more than the parents, in most cases that I saw. Some parents really did care about their kids and would come and see them. And I used to be jealous of that. My mom never seemed to be part of our lives, in my mind. When she did manage to get time with us, she would sleep and not be with us at all.

I do remember she had an old datsun manual car and we used to go places sometimes. But I dont remember much. Maybe just shopping. I think that was in my later years anyways.

In the earlier years, in the CEO, they did have the kids seperated by age groups. I do remember they had an area for newborns.

At one point, early on, they did decide to do something about having so many kids, and the rules they put in was that you had to have a PO approved before you could get pregnant. They wanted to finances covered before you had any kids. This was way early on - sometime in the early 80's or so. I remember Donna Proffit got approval and she was going to have another kid. That was before they decided if you get pregnant you go to Class V Org, before if you get pregnant, you get Comm Ev'ed (which is the current thing) and offloaded and spouse is convinced to stay in SO and female is left in the world with 500.00 and thats it.

I think I learned independance early on. I think that was a good thing. Since being out, I have done well by myself and do not need to depend on anyone. I like to be able to say I accomplished that. I think anyone who makes it out can, as long as they are given a little "push start" in the right direction. (knock on wood)


From what I know, there has never been anyone FORCED to have an abortion. However, if you choose to keep the pregnancy and child, you will be Comm Ev'ed and kicked out of the Sea Org and treated like a "degraded being". Your spouse (the male) will be pressured to stay in the Sea Org. The female will be sent out with $500.00 and that is it. They may or may not help set you up with a place to stay and possibly a job in a Scientology business.

I love the idea of being an orphan. Maybe then I wouldn't have to pretend I have a mother. I think that makes me feel better than pretending that my mother was actually a mother. Thinking of my life as if I were an orphan, that makes more sense to me! Because that is essentially what occured.

I did remember that I did get dental work when I needed it though. My mom used to take me to the dentist to get cavities filled. I had many root canals as a child and many cavities. She had the time to take me to the dentist, but never to make sure I knew how to brush my teeth? Weird.

Been getting some more dental work done recently and it reminded me of it. All my teeth have been cared for by the dentists, they have never been left a long time without being fixed, but still, if I had been brushing daily and not eating tons of candy and sodas - they would likely be in better shape right now.

Hereditarily though, I do have a nice set of teeth. Thanks mom!;)

Mom, I still love you. Please wake up.


More reflections

I remembered me and my brother, at a young age, when he taught me about stealing. I am fortunate in the fact that after 91 RPF, I did not continue that activity, though I do not know if I just plain old grew up, or the made up past existence audited at the time was actually my track and as-ised. In any case, when I was young, I remember clearly my brother teaching me to steal.

As background, you must understand that because my brother was older than me, he always got the better of everything. That was a game I could never win. And so, when he showed me the parking stand in the lot next to PAC Base where they kept money in a drawer, he sent me over to take money out. Because I wanted everything to be even, I decided that I must take 2 of each thing, so that he could not try to get extra. And so I stood there, grabbing two 20 dollar bills, two 10's, etc. I was just counting out 2 pennies when I saw two feet that were certainly not my brothers. Hmmmm.. Not good, I think (though I had never stolen and didnt know what kind of trouble I was going to get into). Anyways, he took the money back and sent me on my way, without any other trouble, but suggested that I find somewhere else to steal from.

Later we learned to snatch from local grocery stores. I would stuff it under my shirt and get out. I finally got caught when I tried to stuff and entire humoungous bag of doritos under my shirt and they turned me in! My mom had to come pick me up. How embarrasing that was!!! She was so mad at me and my brother, cause we were playing hooky from school too.

I am sure everyone has their childhood moments of being bad. And maybe mine are no different from the next guy. I guess the thing that makes me wonder is that this church claims to have all the answers to getting the dynamic in order and all, meanwhile, the people preaching it can't keep their own dynamics in any sort of order. Maybe its not for lack of trying, but given the lack of time.... it leaves the benefit of the doubt.

I think considering myself an orphan is kinda cool.

Now, I don't think I have had the worse life by any means. I just think that the route I went could have easily been diverted by basic parent training. And the parent was there, but way to busy to be dealing with such menial things as CHILDREN.



have been thinking about the time when I did my Solo Levels (OT I - III) and thought I could reflect more on those.

First thing was that I was having a very rough time in auditing, with constant migraine headaches (like 3 per week). These were incapacitating headaches. They went on like that for a couple of years. They did finally go away, but I couldn't say what made them go away. But they were going on all through the OT Levels that I did.

OT I was fun, and simple. I did not run into anything on that level.

In the middle of OT II Course, I became very ill. I was in the courseroom one day and I could hardly sit up. I remember one time I woke up the sup was giving me an assist. I think I passed out or something.

OT II was weird cause I was warned that while on it, the physical universe could seem to be moving around (like rolling walls and things). So then I was always looking for them, never found them.

Well, I audited away on that level for a while, and then attested.

OT III was rough for me. When I read the materials, Allen Hubbert was there in the room with me, smiling away. What a sweet guy he is. Anyways, he wanted to be there when I read the materials. I think because I was saying things in session about those types of things before I ever read the materials. Who knows how. I thought it was causing my headaches, actually.

Well, anyways, one time I had to do a clay demo. I had a very hard time with clay demos on the OT Levels. I did the thing and the sup flunked it like 3 or 4 times. And I got really pissed off and took all the clay and smashed it against the wall. It was really bright colored clay and made a huge mess. Anyways, I spent the next day cleaning up everything and clearing MU's.

I finally got through the theory and started auditing. That was when I got the flu that knocked me off my ass. That was a really bad flu. They wanted me to Solo audit and fix myself but I couldnt. My temp was way too high and I could not read a meter. And so Allen gave me some auditing until I could get it done myself. And that worked out alright.

I remember being a very reactive person during that period. I am sorry to those who were at the receiving end of that wrath. For some reason, I was a very angry person. I was very easily upset. I think stress of the post I had made it worse. I was made to feel like a useless person who did nothing all day, though I worked my ass off on my post. I hated every minute of that post, and was very happy to be off it.

I was thinking about it, and how it relates to now. I have made major improvements on reactiveness and rarely ever get as reactive and angry as I did back in those days. I think the stress back then was too much. Maybe that is where the headaches were coming from. I definitely stopped getting them after I got off that post.

Since being out, a tough thing for me is changing patterns of behaviour. Anybody else running into that? It's really odd for me to be raised like that out in the Sea Org, and know it as the only way to be and to find out people are NOT like that in the real world. That rude behaviour is very much not going to get you very far. But in the Sea Org it is accepted and is a "make it go right" attitude". Such a shame. I am still slowly but surely coming out of those patterns. I remember someone telling me it took them 6 years or so to stop thinking like a Sea Org member and start acting like a normal person. I can't wait until its all out of my system!!!

My reasons for posting my story, though it is tough on me, and some is even quite embarrasing. My whole life is here on display, you know? And alot of people have shown respect and support for me having done that. And I thank all of you for that.

My reasons for posting my story are many, but mainly to expose what it is like being raised like that, seperated from family and all.

There are still more reflections, so I asked to be able to post them.

When I was sent to the RPF in 99, shortly after that, a letter was sent to me from my aunt. I had not ever heard from this aunt, ever, because it is my dads sister. My dad, being declared, was not part of our lives.

And so, with letters possibly containing bad news, an MAA was always with you when you read the letter, in case of bad reactions, they would be there to stop you from blowing, to check your indicators and so forth.

So I get handed this letter. What does it say? "Your grandfather has passed away. Please don't ask for money". My first reaction to this letter was "why is she writing to me? I am not allowed to be connected to her because she is connected to my dad". And this is what I told the MAA. So we decided to ignore the letter.

I never wrote back, never sent flowers, nothing. The last time that I had seen my grandfather was also in 82. I loved him. He used to own an antique shop that I used to play in during the summer. I loved those kid days when nothing was my problem.

Later I very much regretted how I handled this. I still do.

My point is, the reaction. It is so heartless. And this is normal for people in the SO. You send something bad in, they are going to figure out how to "make it go right". It is such a sad sad thing.

Now I am trying to find her. After 9 years, and only one letter, it may be very very tough

I would like to add that I did find my aunt. She is some sort of teacher, like my father (it is his sister).

She has been very much in touch with us these last few months. She has been very happy to hear from us (I cant say who us is yet, so dont ask, thanks. But its good that its us).

I am amazed to find out more and more of the story of what occured way back when.

A strange thing, I need to add here. Maybe this happens to everyone, I dont know, but I feel like mentioning it anyways. I never really felt loved by my mother. And my father was never around. And my brother, we got along ok, but we fought like normal kids too. My husband was alright I think, but he always wanted a divorce. Only very snall periods of love there - a few months at a time before it would go back to the doubt.

I guess I am used to not being loved. There you have it. And I live with that, and move on.

But my point in saying all this is: My aunt does love me and my brother. She has been in touch with me and I have discovered that she really wanted to adopt me and my brother, just so that we could be raised with a normal life and be able to make our own decisions on things.

Obviously that never happened.

And my grandmother on that side of the family got into a huge fight with my mother when I was 10, saying that I was really rude. Reason was because I was trying to force my grandmother to be a Scientologist by throwing and tantrum fit on the floor of their house. They did not know what to do about that.

And after that, there was very little contact with my fathers side of the family.

The last time I tried to contact my grandmother was when I was getting married. She hung up on me 5 times. Because she did not know who I was. I just kept calling her back until she would talk to me.

I told her that I was going to get married. First thing she said was "well, if it doesnt work, get rid of him!", then she said congratulations, after I asked her how long she had been married, which was over 50 years.

That was the last time I talked to her.

I really wish I had the chance to know my family more.

Instead of regretting the past, I think I will look to the future. And that will be an empty canvas, which I can fill with whatever I chose.

Peace and love to you all. And thank you for your support.


27 Jan 2008
With all the media about Scn and so forth, I have recently been informed that my story has been "digged". That is cool!

I understand that there may be words used that are not understood by those not in the church. If anyone is interested in understanding the story better, please feel free to send me a PM with any question you have, or just post it on this thread.

My father was ex-communicated from the church and not allowed to see me for over 25 years. What horrible aweful evil thing could he have done that they would impart such a harsh punishment on him? Did he kill someone? Embezzlement? Rape? What?

None of those.

Here is why:

When I was 2 years old, I ended up with the chicken pox and the flu at the same time. My temp was 106 and I was very ill. My father, who worked in the local church, wanted to be with me while I was ill. So he refused to go to work that day.

So the church members got upset and pushy with him and he decided not to be part of the church anymore, because of the way that it was being managed. And he left.

And that is why I was not in my fathers life and he was not in mine, for over 25 years.

Scientology needs to PROVE that they dont break up families. Let's see some evidence. Liars.


I also want to mention, as it is worthy of note:

Because I have been ex-communicated from the church, I have lost all my friends and my mother and brother, who cannot and will not talk to me until I rectify things with the church.

After dedicating myself for 32 years FULL TIME (which is 13 - 15 hours PER DAY, 7 days a week) to this church, they expect me to pay them over $150,000.00 for training and processing services rendered, and beg for their forgiveness.

I owe NOTHING to this cult. NOTHING.

They have taken: My life, my schooling, let me be repeatedly molested and covered it up, persuaded me to get two abortions and kept me away from my father for 25 years.

My full story is far more detailed. All are welcome to read it. Even my mother. I hope she wakes up to the truth someday.

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