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Alanzo's Story PDF Print E-mail
Again, this is my situation. I know many Scientologists, though, and my situation exists among the Scientologists I know in far too many cases to say that policy is generally in in this area. I believe that it is a general situation in the field.

I'd like to see registrars be a stable influence for getting in finance policy in the field, and creating that ideal scene by helping Scientologists become prosperous enough and free enough to flow lots of money into the org and to get all the way up the Bridge, without sacrificing our financial futures. This is what I believe LRH wanted for us, as well.

I hope that you find this useful, and that you understand my concern. It isn't just for me. It's for all of us.

Thanks for listening.

Alanzo

8 January 2000

Chaplain - AOLA
Chief Reg - AOLA
Solo Course Admin - AOLA
Alanzo

Dear Chaplain -

I have been blown from my Solo Certainty course since around mid-December. I'm contacting you now about it, because I have recently realized that I've had the feeling that no one was listening to me for a long time. I didn’t really realize that I had this feeling until now. I remembered the sign that says, "If no one seems to listen, see the Chaplain", so that's what I'm doing.

I have a situation in my life that is not getting any better, despite my attending course on a standard schedule and getting through my checksheet. And, the more I do, I can only see my problem getting worse. This concerns me so much that I don’t want to be on course any more, and I only want to handle the problem.

I am $40,000 in debt. 95% of this debt came about from the way I have paid for my Scientology services for the last few years - by credit card. Whenever I paid for a new service, I always had the consideration that I would be more able after the service, and then I would just miraculously get myself out of debt. It would just somehow handle itself. This was my consideration before I paid for almost every course I've done in the last two years. I am not blaming any one for this. I did this, and, I will be the one to fix it.

This has grown into a real, daily problem for me for many months now, and I've been reading LRH finance policy to address it. I have taken quite a few measures to clear this up by applying standard Scientology to it. However, the problem really slams me when I come into the org. I have been repeatedly hammered, by any staff member whose job it is to sell anything, to go further into debt for what they want me to buy, despite the clear warnings in many, many references by LRH not to do so. I have tried to standardly FP for things on a set-aside payment plan, but this is brushed aside as my unwillingness to support the IAS, or my use of policy to stop, or my case trying to stop me from going OT. None of my on-policy solutions have been listened to or accepted.

I have not yet paid for my OT Levels, or my OT Eligibility. And with all my discretionary income going to pay the minimum payments on my credit cards, I have no idea how I will pay for these. The solution from Tim Edwards, the reg I'm working with on my next services, has been to get another credit card and then be $65,000 in debt - while doing my OT Levels. I am told it is only my case telling me that this is unacceptable, that when I'm through OT 3 none of this will matter, and again, I'll be so much more able that I will just handle it.

It is very much like a situation in a session trying to audit a PC with a present time problem. The PC has a present time problem, and the auditor continues on, thinking there will be case gain if the process just gets applied. The PC's attention is stuck on the problem and not on the process, and continuing to do the process itself makes the problem worse. End result: the PC doesn’t get any gains.

The fact is that my situation is very much like this. I am not getting or keeping any of my gains. Any cogs I have don't translate to life. My course doesn’t address what I want handled. And I look around and see that, despite all the work I'm doing and the money I've spent, and the money I will still need to spend - my life is not getting any better. Moreover, the more progress I make on my course, the closer I see myself going further into debt, and the worse off it looks!

I'm sure that every staff member there who has dealt with me knows that this is a big problem for me, but the tech they are applying on their posts doesn’t seem to allow them any way to address it. They talk about how at risk I am from not being OT 3, or how much the IAS needs more money. When I say that going further into debt will drive me further toward bankruptcy, I am told that it is more important to be OT3, or for the IAS to fight suppression on the 4rth dynamic. And they just keep hammering that.

This sucks. And I don’t want it anymore. The way to improve my life is to apply LRH finance policy and improve my life. This isn't improving my life. It's the wrong handling. The fact is that, with this problem, I am now no longer "sessionable", and not I'm not "studentable".

So that's why I'm blown. I am handling my finances and staying away from the continual pressure to wreck them again. I'm past the point of seeking understanding on this. If I don’t do this I will be bankrupt. And I'm not going to go bankrupt. That isn’t Scientology.


Alanzo
Solo Certainty Student

15 Jan 00

Qual Sec AOLA
Alanzo
Cram
I faxed the following origination to the Chaplain AOLA on 7 Jan 00, ccing the Solo Course Admin:

*******************************************

"8 January 2000

Chaplain - AOLA
Chief Reg - AOLA
Solo Course Admin - AOLA
Alanzo

Dear Chaplain -

I have been blown from my Solo Certainty course since around mid-December. I'm contacting you now about it, because I have recently realized that I've had the feeling that no one was listening to me for a long time. I didn’t really realize that I had this feeling until now. I remembered the sign that says, "If no one seems to listen, see the Chaplain", so that's what I'm doing.

I have a situation in my life that is not getting any better, despite my attending course on a standard schedule and getting through my checksheet. And, the more I do, I can only see my problem getting worse. This concerns me so much that I don’t want to be on course any more, and I only want to handle the problem.

I am $40,000 in debt. 95% of this debt came about from the way I have paid for my Scientology services for the last few years - by credit card. Whenever I paid for a new service, I always had the consideration that I would be more able after the service, and then I would just miraculously get myself out of debt. It would just somehow handle itself. This was my consideration before I paid for almost every course I've done in the last two years. I am not blaming any one for this. I did this, and, I will be the one to fix it.

This has grown into a real, daily problem for me for many months now, and I've been reading LRH finance policy to address it. I have taken quite a few measures to clear this up by applying standard Scientology to it. However, the problem really slams me when I come into the org. I have been repeatedly hammered, by any staff member whose job it is to sell anything, to go further into debt for what they want me to buy, despite the clear warnings in many, many references by LRH not to do so. I have tried to standardly FP for things on a set-aside payment plan, but this is brushed aside as my unwillingness to support the IAS, or my use of policy to stop, or my case trying to stop me from going OT. None of my on-policy solutions have been listened to or accepted.

I have not yet paid for my OT Levels, or my OT Eligibility. And with all my discretionary income going to pay the minimum payments on my credit cards, I have no idea how I will pay for these. The solution from Tim Edwards, the reg I'm working with on my next services, has been to get another credit card and then be $65,000 in debt - while doing my OT Levels. I am told it is only my case telling me that this is unacceptable, that when I'm through OT 3 none of this will matter, and again, I'll be so much more able that I will just handle it.

It is very much like a situation in a session trying to audit a PC with a present time problem. The PC has a present time problem, and the auditor continues on, thinking there will be case gain if the process just gets applied. The PC's attention is stuck on the problem and not on the process, and continuing to do the process itself makes the problem worse. End result: the PC doesn’t get any gains.

The fact is that my situation is very much like this. I am not getting or keeping any of my gains. Any cogs I have don't translate to life. My course doesn’t address what I want handled. And I look around and see that, despite all the work I'm doing and the money I've spent, and the money I will still need to spend - my life is not getting any better. Moreover, the more progress I make on my course, the closer I see myself going further into debt, and the worse off it looks!

I'm sure that every staff member there who has dealt with me knows that this is a big problem for me, but the tech they are applying on their posts doesn’t seem to allow them any way to address it. They talk about how at risk I am from not being OT 3, or how much the IAS needs more money. When I say that going further into debt will drive me further toward bankruptcy, I am told that it is more important to be OT3, or for the IAS to fight suppression on the 4rth dynamic. And they just keep hammering that.

This sucks. And I don’t want it anymore. The way to improve my life is to apply LRH finance policy and improve my life. This isn't improving my life. It's the wrong handling. The fact is that, with this problem, I am now no longer "sessionable", and not I'm not "studentable".

So that's why I'm blown. I am handling my finances and staying away from the continual pressure to wreck them again. I'm past the point of seeking understanding on this. If I don’t do this I will be bankrupt. And I'm not going to go bankrupt. That isn’t Scientology.

Alanzo
Solo Certainty Student"

************************************************** ******************************************

The following is the voice mail that I received back from the Solo Course Admin on 14 January 00:

""OK Alanzo, this is Lorna, the Solo course admin at AOLA.'

"Listen. There are five main reasons people blow from course.'

"Number 1. Misunderstood words or no material.
"Number 2. No help or word clearing method 4 from the super or no super'
"Number 3. Interference from the super that stopped them from getting on.'
"Number 4. Personal out ethics resulting in a withhold'
"Number 5. Simply booted off for reasons best known to God and registrars. Like suddenly saying, "You must now buy M1, etc. thus violating deliver what we promise rule.'

"So. These are the 5 reasons that people blow from course. You are blown and it is one of these reasons. So why don't you call me and tell me which reason it is. I read your write up and I think it's completely...whatever. It's like, Alanzo, you have one of these reasons and you gotta call me. And the worst thing you can do is run away because this is not the first lifetime that you've had to live through a life just working and taking care of a body. And it's like, if you want to work and take care of a body lifetime after fuckin' lifetime.. You stay out there and you sit in your goddamn house and drive your car and work your job. But if you want to go free, you get your butt in here and you get handled.'

"And it's like, yeah, I got your note. I got it. But you still have to be attached to the org to get out of this mess.'

"You are a thetan. You are not your body. OK? And you need to operate as a thetan. And not a body.'

"So, I understand there's problems and stuff comes up and there's a .. ya know ...whatever...but we can handle it. And the worst thing to do is run away and hide under a rock. Which is what you are doing right now. So knock it off and just call. OK? Bye."
************************************************** *******************************************

I very much appreciate the intention to help. It is clearly there. But there is a reason that I feel that I'm not being heard. This comm violates the three references below, that I can think of. Please correct as you see fit.

Suggested Cram
1.From the Creation of Human Ability Tapes, "Alter-isness and Communication"
2.The TR Bulletin, sections on TR2 and TR 2 1/2.
3.Tech Dictionary definitions of Evaluation and Invalidation.


Alanzo

This was written a year later, 5 January 2001.

After 16 Years, I Am No Longer a Scientologist!

I have a lot to say. This message is my first as an Ex-Scientologist. There will be many more.

It was a year ago, after 16 years as a Scientologist, that I walked out of the org, never to return. I've done a lot of studying and a lot of research since then. I've been "uplines" to highway 79 near Hemet, CA. As I drove down that public highway, past the multi-million dollar secret headquarters of my religion, I kept asking myself why I was committing an overt by being there. I've read things by David Mayo. I had NO IDEA that he was LRH's auditor for so many years. And I've learned things about Hubbard himself - entirely factual things - that paint a completely different picture than I was ever allowed to paint on my own.

I can now say with certainty that I am no longer a Scientologist. No one thing that I read or did led to this full decision of mine. It was a series of incidents that I experienced that brought me to this point.

First, I just generally quit justifying the actions of other Scientologists and staff and Sea Org members, and Ron. There are four flows of overts, you know. You can justify what you did to others in order to cover up your actions from yourself - we're ALL very familiar with that. But you can also justify what others have done to you. And you can justify what others have done to others, too. It's all the same effort. It's the effort not to see what is actually there.

I just stopped doing that. I looked right at what I was witnessing and saw it for what it was. The personal harassment of critics, the suppression of free speech and ownership rights, the outrageously squirreled prices, the frivolous lawsuits, the lying about everything from the numbers of Scientologists to whether we actually believe in God - they're all real. They are simply what they are. When I quit justifying these things, I had to conclude that this was not the group I had joined. I figured that it all had gone wrong somehow. I suspected that Int management was squirreling.
But many more things happened. There was one milestone in particular that I reached about 6 months ago that I think I should tell you about. It was pretty illuminating, and I hope it can be illuminating for others, too. Especially any Scientologists who have the courage and integrity to read what I have to say here.

And to those lurking Church of Scienologists: I commend you. The Hubbard in the 50's, the Hubbard you were first introduced to when you made the decision to start creating your Scientology self, would have commended you for your courage and the free and open spirit with which you are reading my words here.
Thank you. Keep reading.

My last completed course in Scientology was the Data Series Evaluator's Course. After that course, I decided to buy some books on logic and critical thinking by authors other than Hubbard. I loved them - I utterly consumed these books. I became very good at identifying the premises, the supported conclusions, the assumptions, etc. in people's arguments, and in the statements they made. It was a different tech than the data series, but there were obvious similarities.

In the data series, you are taking data from the environment and figuring out what causes situations in orgs. In traditional logic and critical thinking, you are taking the statements of others and deconstructing them to test the validity and logic of their arguments.

So I decided to look over some of the Data Series PLs I had read, to compare them with my newly found critical thinking skills. I was sincerely studying. I was thinking, contrasting, comparing. I was trying to become a better data series evaluator. I picked up a PL in the Data Series called "Logic". Toward the beginning of that PL, Hubbard writes:

"LOGIC means the subject of reasoning. Some in ages past have sought to label it a science. But that can be regarded as pretense and pompousness.'

"If there were such a science, men would be able to think. And they can't.'

"The term itself is utterly forbidding. If you were to read a text on logic, you would go quite mad trying to figure it out, much less learn how to think."

I had read this PL at least ten times in the past. In those readings, these sentences would file right in to my mind. I never stopped and looked at them and said to myself - "wait a minute… men can't think? I would go mad trying to figure out logic? Really?"

Maybe when I first became a Scientolgist I would have done that. But now, after all these investments of time and money, after all this construction of a life based on Scientology, I had ceased to question things. I possessed, really, only a package of attitudes about these paragraphs: "Man is aberrated." "I'm a Scientologist." "The world is fucked up, and we're here to fix it."

As a Scientologist, I had assumed a superior attitude to "Earth logic" and lots of other things having to do with "Earth". I had never actually inspected these attitudes, but I always displayed them - right on cue.

And the cue was, in this case, anything emerging in my environment that had to do with wog logic. Mention Plato, Socrates, Kant. All these guys, while somewhat commendable, were a waste of my time. They were invalid.

All of Earth, actually, was invalid. I believed that Earth was an insane, prison planet. I held this attitude as if I had somehow come from another planet and was comparing how much better that other planet's civilization was to Earth's "pig-sty" civilization.

I never asked myself, "what exactly is this other planet to which am I comparing Earth."?

Hubbard defines a fixed idea as an idea assumed without inspection. I had earlier noticed fixed ideas that I had picked up about psychiatrists, about "wogs", and other areas of life. I spotted these as attitudes I'd picked up from trying to fit in as a group member. I had begun to spot that some of these ideas were actually crippling my judgement in many areas of life. I was on a campaign for a long time to spot Scientology group agreement fixed ideas, ideas not in tech or policy that came from the "group bank" that he talks about in KSW, and get rid of them. It was a way for me to raise myself above group agreement and try to get something decent done.
But when I read this PL called LOGIC, by Hubbard himself, the whole thing began to unravel.

For the first time, I became aware of the tactic that Hubbard, my best friend, used here to carefully channel my thinking. "Men can't think". "Logic is not a science." "The term itself is utterly forbidding." "YOU WOULD GO QUITE MAD TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT".

I had earlier CONSUMED those texts on Logic! They were fantastic! And, ideally, if one were to really study the data series, would he not also look at some of the history which led up to these groundbreaking discoveries that Hubbard had made? Hubbard obviously studied these earlier texts on logic to help develop the data series, or at least reviewed them in order to distinguish the data series with other, earlier, and more "primitive" attempts at logic.

I asked myself, "If I had written this, what would I be trying to do by writing those three paragraphs in this way?" I had to decide that I'd be trying to get administrators just enough data on critical thinking that they could run orgs better, but invalidate all other developments in logic so they would never look at them. Then, I could remain in control of how they thought!

A grim view was beginning to emerge. Things were definitely not adding up anymore. I began seeing this throughout Hubbard's writings. From then on, whenever I picked up something by Hubbard, there it was again. Install a superior attitude about the areas it is safe for Hubbard to have you look at, and invalidate the areas where he doesn’t want you to look. As longs as you are being a Scientologist, you will look where you're supposed to, and not look where you're not supposed to.

Then, through another series of incidents, I discovered something very fundamental about being human. It was implied on the Briefing Course, but never stated plainly in way that would reveal Hubbard's simple plan.
I discovered that we create our "selves". One "self" that we create is "husband", for instance. This is the self that is in love with our wife. Another is "boss". This is the self that tells other people at work what to do. These "selves" are all built with our decisions and worked on daily by us. We've created many of them. We identify with these created selves and climb into them when needed. Sometimes we create them and get stuck in them. We say they ARE us. If all the world's a stage, and we are merely players, these are the self-created characters we play in our lives.

I looked at this within a Scientology context. I realized, of course, that another self I have created is "Scientologist". This is a self that Hubbard intentionally helped me to create. And one I willingly created. There is one BIG difference about this self, though.

The difference between this self and the others is that this one can be threatened with extinction and taken away from me at any time. This self is actually not under my control or ownership. The more I've created my Scientology self, the more owned I am by the Church of Scientology. All they have to do is insinuate a threat to this self, and I have no choice but to obey - if I want to keep my Scientology self alive.

It's clear to me now that Hubbard intended this to be the result of a person studying his writings and following the closely taped path of Scientology. He intentionally got me to create a Scientology self that he knew I would not end up owning. He would. This is the area where L. Ron Hubbard is most culpable, and where Scientology reveals itself, ultimately, as a fraud.

Before this realization of how Hubbard did it, I was just sure that Int management were squirrels. I now know that Hubbard was a diabolical genius when it came to thought control. I am seeing more and more that this guy made conscious and intentional decisions to trap people - NOT free them.

Any flow he offered towards freedom came always along the lines of gaining you as a group member, away from your older life, or to get you to pay money for your next service. And then, as you progressed in the group, always misdirecting your attention, keeping your eyes on the prize of "total freedom", it became more about trapping you and keeping you trapped than it ever did about freeing you - ever again. Hubbard discovered that you would give up more and more of your freedom as you traveled on your route to total freedom.

If you did everything asked of you as a "responsible Scientologist" - bought all the courses, all the memberships, and the "special properties", and did everything asked of you as an increasingly responsible group member, you would end up bankrupt and a slave, with no possessions or time or anything of your own. I am afraid there is ample evidence as to the truth of this statement. Walk into any Sea Org berthing unit and just look around.
These are the most responsible, OT, "upstat" Scientologists there are, right? This is what, if you are "sane", you should become as you progress upward in the group. This is the ultimate creation of the Scientology self.

And these people own nothing, they have no time of their own, nothing any longer that is theirs. They live a miserable, unhealthy, poverty-stricken existence and they are powerless to change it. They don't even have any of their other "selves" any more, as long as they cling to their Scientology self.

I realized that my quest for knowledge and freedom that I began so long ago had led me into a trap.

It's okay, actually. The wider purpose was always to seek the truth. Scientology was just a set of tools along that much wider path. Well, I've found a lot of truth. I had to, in order to free myself from Scientology.
I don’t regret having been a Scientologist. I just regret having been one for so long!

I posted this the next month to ARS

I'd just made one pass by Uplines: A quarter mile worth of buildings, on both sides of highway 79 in the desert near Hemet, CA. It was a huge, gated community of buildings, all built in the lavish style of Disneys Enchanted Castle. As I turned the steering wheel of my car, my jaw gaped and my eyes bugged out of my head as I craned my neck to stare at the scope of it. This was obviously where so much of my religion was actually run from. And here I was, finally seeing it.

As I sat in my car, looking at this massive, hugely expensive complex, I had one thought: I am not supposed to be here.

For a person who had spent the last 16 years living and breathing Scientology, it was very difficult for me to believe that I was committing an overt to my group by coming here. I sat there peering into any knowledge or reason, searching for what possible pro-survival purpose there was for this place to be kept a secret from me.

Scientology was the central fascination of my life. I had spent over 7 years on staff, working 10 to 12 hour days 6 and 7 days per week, for almost no pay. Moreover, I had spent at least $60,000 cash on it. Whenever there was an article or a TV news story about it, I always watched with fascination to see who was attacking us now. And I always did whatever I could to defend my religion. I wrote letters to editors, fired off emails to journalists, furiously posting to newsgroups and bulletin boards. For years, I slammed the critics of my religion as bigots.

But as I looked out over this massive blue compound in the burning California desert, getting ready to make another pass to confirm this really did exist, I still could not figure out why it was an overt for me to be here and see this.

It is true that, over the years, I had become more and more disenchanted with Scientologists and Scientology. I was disenchanted as well with the person I had become as a Scientologist. I had found myself becoming less tolerant of people. I had done things in my career on staff that I was not proud of. I had picked up a habit of yelling at people to get them to understand things, and to get them to do the things that I wanted them to do. I had acted unlovingly to people in my family who were not scientologists, always with a superior attitude, always with a rigidness that I had never wanted to adopt or to become.

I remembered standing in the hallway of the first mission I visited, and reading the Creed of the Church on the wall. Those ideals were my ideals. I remember reading aworld without war, crime or insanity, where honest beings can have rights, and where man is free to rise to greater heights. I thought, those aims are my aims! I can remember studying the Code of a Scientologist - to work for freedom of speech in the world - to work for the freedom of religion - all these things were mine! These ideals were what I had already believed! I looked at the mission I was in, and all the staff and public running around, and I thought - this place believes what I believe!

So, based on those ideals I read on that wall, and in those first courses I took, I made the decision to become a Scientologist. I remember thinking to myself, Ive finally found a group, a religion, that I can get behind and push! If Scientology ran things, we could have these ideals in charge, rather than the fucks who killed JFK & MLK, and all those kids in war.

When I started telling people that I was a Scientologist, what I meant was that I was for those ideals. And those people didnt understand that. They tried to talk me out of it - some even forbidding me to talk to them about it. So, of course, I had to continue. I disseminated a lot. And I created a lot of new Scientologists in my area - all with those same ideals.

But because I had already defined myself as a Scientologist based on these ideals, I overlooked the fact that those ideals werent around when I began working in the real world of Scientology. When a reg ripped someone off, I only looked at the need to build a better world. When a solemn promise was betrayed, I saw only that Scientology would someday build a world without war, crime or insanity. I justified, looked away from, and not-ised the absence of my own ideals continually - while clinging tightly to them in my mind.

And now, sitting here looking at this obscenely expensive, blue alien colony that was a secret even to me - their most loyal member - I could no longer look away from the absence of those ideals. Because I realized that I was looking at a concentration camp built on the absence of them.

Then I realized why coming here was an overt. It was an overt because, sitting here seeing all this, it is supremely evident that if Scientology really ran the world, this is what the world would look like.

My forbidden pilgrimage was over. I turned my car around and went back to my hotel.

That night, I prayed to God to forgive me for my ideals.

I Became a Scientologist and Handled Myself on God

I had been a Scientologist for 12 years before I found out that I wasn't supposed to believe in God.

Way back in the 80s, when I was going through the process of deciding whether to become a Scientologist, I asked a lot of questions about what Scientologists believe. One critical area of interest for me, was Scientology's belief in God.

I was not a Christian, or a member of any other religion. I just believed in God. I always had. I had begun praying for a change in my life when I found myself at the local Scientology mission. I had mentioned that I thought this place might be an answer to my prayers. This was a very private thought, I didn't go around talking about God all the time. But I figured it was important to get this all out on the table.

To answer my questions, I was shown references from Ron about God. One was from Science of Survival where there is a long argument in favor of the belief in the reality of a supreme being. It didn't say that Scientologists believed in a Supreme Being, it just said that its better to believe in one than not.

I was also shown the Creed of the Church, where no agency less than God had the right to set aside the inalienable rights that mankind possessed. Again, no statement of a belief in God, exactly, but an indication of one. The thought really didnt even occur to me, but the uninspected assumption was that if they mention God in their Creed, then they believe in God, obviously.

From these conversations, I made the decision that Scientology was consistent with my belief in God. Other areas seemed consistent with my beliefs, too. I also had experienced a few wins from my courses and some introductory sessions. The sum of these experiences, as well as a few other factors, led me to decide to become a Scientologist.

After a few more courses, I joined staff. Late at night, the other staff and I would sit around and smoke and drink coffee and discuss Scientology and other religious ideas. I loved those talks and I loved those people. When I spoke about God, there were other more senior staff in the room who were much higher on the Bridge than I. They said nothing to me. However, I did pick up from their attitudes that I was being indulged slightly in my quaint belief.

Then, when I was on the Student Hat, it was the first chance I had to hear Hubbard himself describe the concept of the Big Thetan. He says there is no Big Thetan. But by that time, you see, I had already decided that I was a Scientologist. (Its funny, in Scientology you decide that you are a Scientologist, and then you find out what you believe as a Scientologist.)

While doing my Student Hat, when Ron said there was no Big Thetan, the attitudes of the other staff members began to take hold and I started belittling the concept of a Big Thetan determining my existence for me. I still had reserved some belief that there was a God, but I put off any real decision about it until I went farther up the Bridge, where I thought I would be in a better position to know these things for myself.

This whole time I was disseminating to others. When I was asked whether Scientologists believed in God, I always showed them the same references I was shown, and led them to believe that we did. I knew they would find out the truth as they went up the Bridge, and that any belief they had right now was based on bank, anyway. So there was no need to show them the reference from Student Hat and get into a big discussion about it. Just get them up the Bridge!

As I progressed as a Scientologist, I did the Saint Hill Special Briefing Course. This is the course where you study the chronological development of the technology of Dianetics and Scientology. You become one of the Dukes of the Auditor Elite on that course.

There is a tape on the BC where Ron goes on for 45 minutes about the whole idea of God being an implant, and that there is no such thing as God. It suddenly became very black and white. I had found out the true answer to my question 12 years after I had first asked it: There is no God in Scientology.

Now that I had found out what Scientology actually believed about God, I was in a different position than I was when I was asking about God in that mission so many years ago. I was now married to a Scientologist. Everyone I knew was a Scientologist. I was on staff. I had status in the group. I had aligned my dynamics fully with the movement. I was now part of the dedicated few who were saving the planet from itself, win or die in the attempt.

So, in order to really be a trained OT Scientologist, I had to finally handle myself on this subject. I remember going out to the parking lot after course and lighting up a cigarette, standing there looking up at the stars in the night sky, and saying goodbye to God.

You see, I was a Scientologist. And Scientologists just dont believe in God, you find out later.

As I look back, standing there in that parking lot, deciding to no longer believe that God exists, I realize that this was an extermination of my own integrity of immense magnitude. No one did it to me. I did it to myself.

I was a Scientologist.

2 December 1997

Julie Acad Sup ASHOF
Jessica EO ASHOF
Senior C/S ASHOF
RTC Reports Officer
Alanzo PRO TRs Student

Knowledge Report
Mishandled Ethics Cycle
On Wednesday, 5 November 1997, I was sent to ethics with my twin. My twin had been late. So I thought I was going with him to help him out in ethics. I found out from the write up that I was also being sent to ethics, actually, because the sup wrote that I had been "critical of the supervisor" the night before. (Please see writeup from Julie to HCO - Julie has this.)

When we got to HCO, the EO, (Jessica) talked to Jack about his lateness. Jack was very upset, and Jessica was unable to get into comm with him well enough to get his ethics in. The EO told Jack to apply danger, and told me to help him. Then she left.

I got in comm with Jack and helped him apply danger. While doing this I spotted a huge situation of my own, and I applied danger to myself as well. (see my danger condition write up)

I had one of the biggest wins of my life - a major cog that using TRs are actually the first step as operating as a being, and before that, one is MEST. And that I had not been using TRs to the situation I was facing in the course room - the reason I was being sent to ethics in the first place. And I had not been using TRs in my life, and what I do instead, etc. etc.

It was my WHY. Both my twin and I were VVGIs. I had a whole new view of the universe and my place in it - not only ethics wise, but also on my course, and in my life. I was very blown out.

Then Jessica came back into the room. She looked at Jack's conditions, made some corrections, and then turned to me and said that she needed to speak to me before she looked at my conditions. She said that she had been upstairs talking to Julie and that she now understood my situation.

We went into the back room, the HCO interview room. She shut the door. I gave her my conditions. She asked me why I was here. I explained the situation that was going on in the course room and how I wasn't using my TRs to handle it, and she cut my comm. She said that "this is ethics, this isn’t tech". Then she said something like "you are not here to have a tech cog. I don’t care about what's happening technically. This is ethics."

Then she told me that "everything I had been saying to her was natter and criticism." She also said that "all she has heard from me is what others had done wrong." I pointed out that I had just told her that I had handled things wrongly in the courseroom. Then I pointed to my condition to tell her how it was that I did that, and the cog I had to correct it, and she cut my comm again.

She said that I needed to do an OW write up and that this was the only way I was going to be able to handle my ethics. I told her that I have had 15-20 intensives of FPRD and that I absolutely love OW write ups, and that I will do one - no problem - but when is it that I am supposed to stop? What is the EP of this OW write up?

Then she started saying something else, and I just caved in. I started crying. I said, "Would it be real to you that I might have already had a huge cog, and that I might already be handled?" Then she looked at me, and I realized that it was actually for the first time. She had not been listening before, nor had she been looking, nor really reading what was on my conditions. When she saw that I was caving in on this - she started listening.

I pointed to my conditions and showed her my win. I told her that this was my why and that I had been totally handled on this. And that I had had this cog, and that cog. Then we began to clarify things in the condition write up and now she was understanding, and she was asking questions and listening, and no longer cutting my comm. It was very apparent that she felt bad for how things were turning out, and that she did not ever want this result.

I want a safe org. I want to be able to go to ethics, have a big, big cog, and have it handled correctly. This isn't the first time I've had a cog trounced on in ethics at ASHOF. It happened before with an earlier EO. I don't want it to ever happen again - for anybody.

This is true

Alanzo
PRO TRs Student - ASHOF

13 May 98


Chf Off ASHOF
BC Super ASHOF
CO ASHO Foundation
RTC Reports Officer
Alanzo PRO TRs Student


Knowledge Report
BC Student disturbed on course,
threatened to be stopped on Bridge Progress
On 11 May 98, while studying in the course room on the BC, Level F, my Supervisor approached me and told me to report to the Chf Off ASHO F for a Director of Processing Interview. She said to go up and meet Angela in the HGC.

When I got there Angela, the Chf Off, told me that I was being taken off my BC Level F "right now, tonight" to be put on my Pro Upper Indoc Course "because it is a pre-req to the BC".

I mentioned the policy in OEC Volume 4 prohibiting changing checksheets on students and not letting them complete the checksheets they are on. Angela wanted to see it so I showed her.

I said, "I thought I was coming up here for a D of P interview."

"R-Factor," said the Chf Off.

Finally, after I protested heavily that I was FLYING on my course, and that I was having tremendous wins, and that I was only going to be on it for another two weeks, the Chf Off said she would "let" me stay on the course.

This was enturbulating. Why this actually happened still doesn't make sense to me.

But the end product of this was that I was disturbed on my course under the pretense of a D of P interview, when actually the disturbance had nothing to do with a D of P interview, or with the D of P hat.

Then, the fantastic wins that I've been having on a major Bridge step were threatened to be taken away arbitrarily, and I found myself having to defend my position in order to continue making Bridge progress.


This is true


Alanzo
BC Student - Level F


Chairman, RTC
FIELDS EXEC INT
PES ASHO F
RTC Reports Officer
Alanzo IAS Member


Knowledge Report
Reducing discounts before IAS membership expiration
is a violation of Senior Policy
On 19 July 1997, I bought an IAS Annual membership. It was promised at that time to carry a 20% discount on all books, materials and Church services for a period of one year, expiring on 19 July 1998.

On Monday 11 May 98, 2 months before my annual membership expired, I was told by my registrar at ASHO Foundation, that my membership no longer gets me what was promised. Now it only gets me a 10% discount.

HCOPL 21 November 1968 SENIOR POLICY states, "We always deliver what we promise."

Reducing my discount before my membership expires is a clear violation of Senior Policy.

 

This is true


Alanzo
IAS Member

From my Journal at the time:

May 8, 1998

JM had me over to his house to do some collaborative writing. His partner in his busines was there, an ugly blonde woman who is going through a divorce.

We went out for sushi. When we came back, we started talking about his screenplay. The partner came in a few times and then left.

His screenplay was about a guy who wants to be a chef. He works in a greasy spoon kitchen. He gets a chance, through mistaken identity, to work as a chef and he does well.

I asked him what his theme was. It was "to pursue your dreams while not violating your integrity." He was about as excited about it as a wet pancake.

I started to quiz him and about what he was really passionate about, what he really cared about. What theme would he really want to say.

He got teary eyed. He said that we were getting into his case now, and that he was getting auditing and he hadn't been able to handle his ruin all through Scientology. He had gone clear, and he had now reahced Level O of the BC, and it was still not handled.

I said okay. He had taken off his shoes and he was sitting cross-legged on his couch across from me. He was conflicted.

He said that he should just come out and say it. "See, I'm gay. And I've always wanted to handle that. I know that it is an aberration and all I'm waiting for is OT Three. I know only that Ron says that it will get handled, and I have faith in what Ron says."

I think I kept my TRs in really really well.

We talked about it some more. I told him about Jeff. I showed him 2D Rules. I talked about group agreement and moral codes. He said that he really wants to be an upstat Scientologist but he knows that there is no way he will get an OT Level invitation if he's a practicing homo.

Then he talked about how he loved to go out to the bars, and be with gay people. He loved how he could laugh with them. "That is my group."

But he said that he also wanted to have a wife and kids.

I told him that there was a fantastic screenplay there. I said that there is probably 50 people on earth who have done the BC and who have been gay. And the viewpoint you have is a completely unique viewpoint and that it should be voiced.

Then he said that the more we talk about this the more we're just getting into his ruin, and the less there can be to do something about it. I tried to get the conversation back onto writing his screenplay.

He wasn't excited about anything about his screenplay. He said that he didn't even know why he wanted to write it. Then he said that the idea was written down in April of 1994, and it hasn't gone any further than that. So I had come over there to discuss a four year old idea ?

No. He wanted to fuck me.

I don't think that people like Jack should have the pressure of the group agreement that exists in Scientology. I remember coming back from doing tone scale exercises in West Hollywood. I had told the CO that I had been there spotting tones. She said, "That shouldn't have been hard." Meaning "They're all 1.1."

If we are to achieve greatness as a group, we must do so NOT out of force and intolerance, but out of understanding. I wonder if it's possible.

Here's a journal entry of mine from a couple of years before I left the Church of Scientology:

Saturday February 28, 1998 07:56:51 AM

I have just come through a long review cycle at ASHO. I did PRO TRs, it having lasted a looong time, with lots of arbitraries put on my lines, such as "An auditor can't go below 3.0 on the tone scale", and other such bullshit. There was even a point, after having been told over and over to do it just like on the film, when I brought in LRH tapes, and I swear the sup went white - as if shocked that I would follow this reference as opposed to her coaching.

So anyway, I'm now paying for review. And after receiving HORRIBLE auditing from Angela, who has HORRIBLE TRs, I now get Chari - who is so suppressed in her comm that she has managed to have good TRs anyway, through very curt - one word acks with NOTHING ELSE.

I had a thought the other day "TOTAL FREEDOM DELIVERED BY TOTAL SLAVES".

A disturbing thought, but it explains a lot of things.

It answers why I was treated how I was treated on my mission staff cycle - why would people bound to their billion year contracts with indentured servant debts ever allow or entertain the thought of allowing someone to leave staff? It explains the arbitraries thrown at me on course because they MUST do what they are told, and they are told what to do right down to their wording of their comm. It explains why thinking individuals would allow destructive orders to wreck their org.

And it explains recently the censorship I experienced when I joined an online Scientology community called TNX. This was so bizarre. There was an attack from CBS 60 minutes and Public Eye. In response, a whole bunch of Scientologists were writing entheta letters attacking back. I wrote a post entitled "Creating Antagonism?!?!? Me??????" and it was roundly rejected by the censor for being negative. He refused to publish it until I rewrote it.

I went back and forth with the guy and he finally sent me to "Qual". Then I went back and forth with the "Qual Sec" who totally agreed with the censorship, and denied it was censorship and then, even after I re-wrote it, kept correcting me and correcting me. I resigned.

The guy continued to send me email (at around 50 emails per week) and I kept trying to get off. But I couldn't because he wouldn't answer me.

So I started filling up his mailbox with emails, labeling them "dev-t". Then he quit immediately.

I won't stand for censorship of my comm for even a second. You don't reach total freedom by giving up your freedoms. And I will never do that. I have the idea that I can survive in Scientology by being free.

I believe that Hubbard set it up that way. And if I know policy, and always furiously challenge any attempt to reduce my freedom, for whatever reason, by getting the policy that is being operated upon, and by calling comm evs etc, if need be, and by furiously defending my rights under policy and as a human, I will not only survive, but I may help beat back this group bank which I keep running into.

Otherwise, if I can't succeed - it isn't the group I joined.

I joined a group which valued the Creed of the Church, and the freedoms afforded there-in. I joined a group that had FREEDOM as its basic goal. I believe that Hubbard set it up that way on purpose and that he truly believed that this was Scientology. There is something in man which seems to seek to make slaves. And it has crept into Scientology. I believe that it is my duty as a Scientologist to fight this impulse and keep it out of Scientology.

I can at least keep it out of my life. I can train anyone coming near me that they will get a fight if they try to fuck with my freedoms. I can apply the price of freedom savagely. And I believe, ultimately, that I will win for myself and everyone else if I do.

And I may get hung. But it's better than giving in and losing it all. YOU CAN NOT REACH TOTAL FREEDOM BY GIVING UP YOUR FREEDOMS!!! So that is it. Why is my neck so precious, anyway? It's just a neck.

 

Then this, later that night:

 

Saturday February 28, 1998 11:34:13 PM update


OK. Now one would have ever suspected this, but I'm totally keyed out right now. Kevin regged me to get the thing I really need - my next step on the Bridge! ARC Straightwire!

I don't feel misemotional anymore! I'm fine with ASHO F.

It was the wrong action!!

For ten years I've been "bits and piecing" auditing and the bridge. I've been trying to get up the bridge by doing anything that I could - EXCEPT MY NEXT STEP!!

Wow!

I can't believe this.

I finished my OCA test for my routing into the HGC. I do my aptitude and IQ testing tomorrow.
A year earlier, there was a beautiful young woman who worked at the company. Her mother, Patty, was an OT 8 and very good friends with the owners. A friend of mine, a writer, and a very intelligent guy named "E" took a shine to the beautiful young woman who was the daughter of Patty, the OT 8.

One day, in my office, the beautiful young woman expressed taking a shine to the young and handsome E. And so I proceeded to make a match between the two.

As I said, E was very intelligent. He was not a Scientologist, but he was very familiar with Scientology, as were all the employees of the company we worked for, since every top level exec was a Scientologist, and very few made it into the top ranks of the company without being one.

As a fellow Scientologist, I knew how important it was for E to become involved in Scientology if he was going to be acceptable to the beautiful young woman's family. And so, as I made a match between them, I set about the task of disseminating to E, with the strong intent of making him into a Scientologist.

E went to CC and took courses. He came to my apartment and I audited him on Book One. And we would talk long into the night about Scientology, the reactive mind, thetans and L Ron Hubbard.

He and T, the beautiful young daughter of the OT 8, were getting along swimmingly. And, as long as E continued his courses, and continued to become a Scientologist, T's mother, the OT 8, was tolerant of E.

As the weeks grew into months, E and T got along so well that they moved in together. E was a great cook, and loved to entertain. And I would come over to their little love nest and, along with other friends, laugh and party long into the night as well.

But dark clouds began to appear when E was sent to ethics for the first time on his course at CC. Some very unreasonable requests were made of E, and E, being very intelligent, and a writer and all, began to question their right to ask him to do these unreasonable things.

And so I set upon the task of trying to explain it all to E, and to help him through the unreasonable requests being made of him by the ethics section of the Celebrity Center. I had played this role in Scientology before. But this time things weren't so easy. Maybe because of the earlier times I had enforced crazy ethics demands on people, maybe because I was getting so sick of it, or maybe because of E and the person I knew him to be.

Or maybe it was a combination of all the above and more. But it was during these conversations that E mentioned to me the deadly phrase "intellectual honesty", within the context of writing and expressing one's self and the search for truth. And so, along with the other things going on in my life, that phrase, "intellectual honesty" began to re-sink into my consciousness, and I began to be reminded of the person I had always set out to be, and comparing that to the one I had actually become.

And so the task I had set out to accomplish, to be the one who was going to handle E's ethics and get him to comply, actually got turned around on me. It was my ethics that finally got handled: I realized that I could not participate in even one more of these robotic butt-fuckings of a person's mind and life.

The problems with E and the ethics section at CC grew. Patty, the OT 8 mother became concerned, then interested in the true nature of E. Was he a live SP, or what? Was her daughter living with a true 2.5 percenter? Could he be THE fox in the chicken house?

And so Patty started making calls and talking to E.

E told me about the calls and the nature of the questions Patty was asking. I knew from the nature of the questions that things were not looking good. E just thought that it was all open to discussion, that his innocent questioning of things was a natural phase that any Scientologist would go through. He had no idea that his questioning was actually making him a threat to all mankind.

Then E began mentioning the Internet to Patty, and the information he had gotten off of it about the life of L Ron Hubbard. I tried to explain to E that this would never fly. I told him that no one was actually ever going to listen to his points, but instead, he was being targeted by the other pod people as a person who needed to be eliminated.

Patty was applying pressure to the beautiful young T to dump E. And E was standing there looking at all this, incredulous.

And I began to see, almost as if through E's eyes, how incredulous this all really was. I had begun to really see that this was a thought-police operation, and that I was in the middle of it, and I had even played the role of patrol officer for the thought police and enforced these mind control laws on others for the last 16 years of my life.

I knew that it was all about to unravel, and that there really was nothing that I was going to be able to do about it. If I was going to believe in intellectual honesty, and in seeking to live with the truth, then this was where I was going to have to make a stand. And I was going to have to face losing my whole life and everything I had ever built as a Scientologist, if I was really ever going to be true to myself.

So when Patty, the zealous and protective OT 8 mother of the beautiful T, finally called me and said, "I hear that you are not doing so well as a Scientologist", I knew that my time at the guillotine had come.

It turns out that E, in his unthinking naivete, had been telling T about the conversations we had been having. And T, hoping to keep her mom's hovering wrath off of E, let her mom know some of the things I had been saying to E, hoping to name me as the "Who", and not "E".

Had E just understood that intellectual honesty was not as important as keeping the lies going, then everything would have turned out all right. But E, God bless him, just never allowed that to be part of his world. And that same attitude had been rekindled in me.

And so when the phone rang at my desk in my office, I let the pin-headed fanatic Patty know about some of the things I had been thinking lately.

Like how I was told that Scientology believed in God when I first joined up, but had found out on the BC that there was no God. I told Patty that, as an OT 8, she knew that Scientology ultimately taught that there was no God, too.

When Patty told me that the fact that there was no God was too "out-gradient" for raw meat, and that they had to be told that there was a God to get them onto the Bridge, that just opened up more and more until I realized that I had let the whole cat out of the whole bag, and that Patty's next call would be to my boss.

And so, in this way, a beautiful romance between two young lovers became the wisp of air that began the collapse of the whole house of cards for me.

Things began to rapidly progress from there. Over the next few months, things would get quite frenetic and very terrifying.

All I did was accept, in reality in my own life, the principles of intellectual honesty, and seeking to live with the truth.

And everything was destroyed.


Right around this time, I was beginning to overcome my fear of being found out. I was writing things down and figuring things out for myself. I was confirming things and doing what Scientologists might call "Coming out of doubt".

I was preparing to make it out of Scientology and into my next stage of life, although in the middle of the terror and anger and confusion and bitterness of the time, you could not have convinced me of it.

Only now, years afterward would I ever be able to see it.

Here's something I was spotting around that time of my life.

I wrote it down at the time.

Maybe there are others for whom this may help.

************************************************

I have been embroiled in an intense personal effort to free myself of the mental slavery resulting from prolonged involvement in Scientology. I have found that the only way to free my self from this was to discover exactly how I was enslaved.

Once I had discovered this, I could then begin to re-arrange my thinking back to my true self, the self I was before I ever heard of Scientology.

I think I have isolated some of the stages of the process of enslavement that Hubbard built into Scientology. I present these stages now hoping that you can use them to free your self from the Scientology mental enslavement process, too.

I have found that a person must free himself. Even though Hubbard wanted each Scientologist to think and respond exactly the same way to certain stimuli, the artificial personality he installed had to fit over a uniquely shaped individual – YOU. And you were the one who made it fit. So, it is possible to break out of the fixed stimulus/response mechanisms installed in you as a Scientologist by contacting the source of your originality and the unique responses you have developed to handle things.

Some people never snap out of Scientology. By observing all the people who have tried Scientology and left it, one can see that most people do snap out of Scientology. Few figure out exactly what happened. Fewer still write it down for others. I have no choice but to write this so that others may avoid the trap of Scientology, and so that those who are interested in freeing themselves from it, can.

Here are the stages of enslavement that I have identified for my self.

I hope you find them helpful.

The Courtship Stage
Hubbard attracts you with elegantly written ideals and a homespun speaking style. All the gates of Scientology are carefully adorned with absolute goals and utopian descriptions of how things should be. Any sane, intelligent individual would agree with the things that are presented at this stage. It is carefully set up for easy agreement.

You are invited to read a book, or listen to a lecture, or try some free auditing. Some light psychology is then applied to get inside your head. You begin to tell a few of your inner secrets and are pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to talk to the people Hubbard trained.

None of the ideals or the principles he uses to build your trust in this stage are ever seen again. They are actually not part of Scientology. Even the light psychology processes he used on you are never used again. This stage is simply to build your trust and get you to allow him into your head. Once that happens, the next stage can occur.

The “Winning” Stage
After you feel some relief from the light psychology, he quickly defines for you what you feel and tells you how it happened. It’s very important that you listen and accept his definitions of your feelings at this point, because this is the beginning of your transformation. If you accept his explanations, and they clarify something for you that you always wondered about, you begin to think he’s pretty smart. And you begin to get interested in what else he might do for you. After he has defined what you are feeling for you, and once you accept those definitions, he is well on his way to having you.

He now reveals to you that you are really an immortal spirit, trapped inside a mortal body, and that’s why you felt that way before, when you had those wins. You look back and get the feeling that he knew this all along, and that he was leading you. He tells you that you can achieve Total Freedom if you’ll just listen to what he has to teach you. Do what he says, and you and all mankind will be free.

This stage will produce a huge euphoria. Those who experience the euphoria become Scientologists. Those who don’t experience it will move on. This stage is the honeymoon that a Scientologist will always remember. Later, when you look down and start to notice the chains around your legs and your advanced stage of enslavement, you will look back to your wonderful experiences in this stage and deny the chains exist.

This stage is over when you decide to become a Scientologist.

Installing The Scientology Self
After you have decided to become a Scientologist, you then begin to learn what you are supposed to believe. The ideals and the principles you thought you had agreed with earlier start to disappear, and new things begin to emerge that were not discussed with you before. Because you have already decided to become a Scientologist, and are in a state of being a willing recipient of the immortal truths of the universe, you don’t notice that the things you are learning now would have been totally unacceptable to you before you decided to convert.

Hubbard’s process of enslavement now becomes much more complex. He is doing many things at once at this point, but the whole process is designed to install a new personality within you. This new personality will alienate you from the loyalties and the affinities and the political structures of the people around you and then re-define your life and yourself in a way that aligns your loyalties, affinities and politics with Scientology and Hubbard’s dictates.

You are the one doing all the aligning, and the disconnecting and the re-defining – but you are being manipulated to do so underneath your awareness.

Revealing The Secrets & Threatening The Scientology Self
Once you have personally started to define yourself as a Scientologist to others, and to build your personality and your life around Scientology, then you have the implanted traps and phobias necessary to be controlled utterly.

From here on, it is basically a routine of holding out the carrot of revealing secrets and whapping you with the stick of threatening your survival as a Scientologist that keeps you with your head down and huffing and puffing along the “Road To Total Freedom”.

It doesn’t actually change from here, except to work to deepen your loyalties to Scientology and its founder, and to make it more and more difficult to turn around and leave.

There were four employees standing in my office, each with pressing questions about how to do their jobs. My phone was ringing every 2 minutes with another question from someone else, or another pressing decision I had to make right away. There was a stack of 20 leads on my desk waiting for me to proof and to send out to the client, and I had been working until 9 or 10pm every week night for the last 4 weeks at least, just to keep up.

I was in a constant state of siege on my job, trying to meet the impossible demands of running 40 brand new employees by myself on a project that contained deliverables that were completely delusional. It was only a matter of time before the client fired us, but until then, I had to do whatever I could to make it go right.

In addition to the 4 employees standing in my office, my office mate - another manager on a different project - had three of his own juniors standing in line, listening to him correct every single little comma that they had written incorrectly on their work.

That's when the phone on my desk rang.

"This is Alanzo."

The screeching voice on the other end of the phone seethed: "I hate you so much I could fire you right now!"

I pulled the phone away and looked at it. "Phyllis?" I asked.

"You sent a false lead to the client yesterday and it ended up on the CEO's lines as an example of the kind of shit work you are doing for my client!" About 5 of the 9 people in my office heard what she was screaming, and they stopped talking and looked up at me.

"Listen Phyllis, I'm very busy right now and this type of communication is not conducive to production. You need to talk to Craig or Gary. I'm too busy to have this kind of entheta on my lines, even if you are the CEO." She started screaming even louder before I hung up on her.

I sat there, completely overwhelmed. Before, I was barely making it. But that phone call just put it over the top. I told all the people in my office to please leave, I needed to handle something right away. When I walked out of my office and looked down the hall through the window into Gary's office, I saw him on the phone with a scowl on his face. He looked at me as if to say, "It's her, and here she goes again." I walked down the hall and turned the knob on his door. He covered his phone and mouthed "Go Away! I'll talk to you later." Then he resumed his grim acknowledgments to Phyllis' screaming rage.

I stood there outside Gary's office with more black clouds surrounding my head. I was about ready to start whimpering. I was scared, angry, and reeling at the injustice of this, not to mention the Dev-T of a CEO bypassing two levels of management to reach for the throat of a middle manager and threaten to rip it out.

In Scientology's terms, I was restimulated. So I headed straight for the front door and went for a walk.

Phyllis and Craig were partners in the company I worked for. Craig headed the Calabassas branch, where we had a call center and performed the interviews for market research and lead generation, and produced the reports. Phyllis ran the sales and graphics portion from Orange County.

In her late forties, Phyllis was an OT 5 who tied her hair into a severely tight bun. She wore huge diamonds and drove around in a red jaguar with sunglasses and the top down. When she visited Calabassas, we all went into ship-shape mode to avoid her wrath. She seemed to enjoy the fear she instilled in the people who worked for her. To her, this fear and propitiation told her she had ethics presence.

She flew to companies and sat down with their CEOs and vice presidents and told them half-truths and obfuscations about the things we could do for them if they hired us to do their marketing. Almost every client she closed had fired us before the project was over, and most of those ended up in a lawsuits against the company.

This project, which I had been picked to manage, was looking exactly like the most impossible project to date, and its fate looked the same as all the others. I had known this project was going to be a bear, because Craig had told me it would when he made me manager over it. I was flattered that they decided that I was going to be their best chance at success. But now, I was pretty sure that what I was being paid was not worth the futility and abuse that came with it.

As I stumbled the corporate parking lots of the industrial park complex where I worked, looking at parked cars and cement streetlights, near and far, I hoped to recover my ability to control my attention units and not be so overwhelmed. I hoped to regain some kind of composure to go back in there and get back to work.

After about a half hour, the emotions had subsided somewhat, and I returned. Gary's door was open but Gary was not in his office. I looked through the window into Craig's office and saw him sitting there with Craig. Craig was on the phone with the same grim face that Gary had, and he waved me away, just as Gary did. Phyllis was laying into both of these guys very heavily. Gary looked looked up at me. He looked like he had been crying.

At this point, I was ready to quit. These guys were making hundreds of thousands of dollars on this program alone, not to mention all the others, and I was making less than $50,000 per year. And yet, as the dedicated employee, I was working 60 hour weeks at a minimum and doing things that were completely impossible. That was actually fine. But if I was also going to have to put up with Phyllis, then this would be it for me.

So when Craig waved me into his office after he hung up the phone, I sat down not really caring if he was going to fire me or not. I was ready to quit.

Craig looked at me. He smiled widely and even laughed. He told me that I had not experienced half of what he had experienced working with Phyllis over the years. Craig told me that Phyllis routinely called his home after 10pm, and, when things were going poorly, she would say some of the cruelest things to Craig that anyone has ever said to him in his life. "Here, Alanzo, let me just give you one example. One time, while we were on the X project, Phyllis called me at midnight and got me out of bed. She screamed and screamed at me. She told me, and this is a direct quote, that everything I had ever produced was shit, and that I would never produce anything but shit." Craig laughed again.

I kind of laughed, too, relieved to know that everyone got this kind of treatment from Phyllis, and that if she is treating me this way, it must mean that I am worth it. I felt like I had joined an elite little club of the privileged and abused. I felt important. I felt like a Real Executive in the company.

But before I left Craig's office that day, I let him know that this was not part of my job description and that I would not put up with this kind of treatment from anyone, especially for what I was being paid.

He seemed to understand exactly what I was saying to him.

So when the client did finally fire us a few months later, being mislead about the capabilities of the company and the lies they were told by Phyllis, the company started to go into a tailspin. During this period, I had begun to become more aware of what I'd observed of the OTs that I had known in Scientology. I realized that they were not the types of people that I always thought they would be.

In fact, of the five OT 5s that I had worked for while a Scientologist in LA, three of them were batshit crazy, Just like Phyllis, they flew into rages. They seemed alternatively saccharin sweet and tyrannically abusive.

The questions began to sink in with more and more experience: Was this what I was rising to, after all, on my Bridge to Total Freedom? Would I end up like these people?

 

 


It Is Done

When I first left the Church in 2000, I had no idea what to do or what my life would be like in the very near future. I realized, through reading and studying about cults and brainwashing, that the primary way to heal after a cult is to go find the self you were before the cult, and look at the problems you had at the time you joined and how the cult solved those problems for you.

This corresponded with a BC tape I had heard where Hubbard said that the first postulate contained the information necessary for the release of any trap. All you had to do was to examine the first postulate, and all the rest of the problems, goals, selves and everything else bound up in that would be released.

So I did. I went back and took a good look at my life just before getting into Scientology. What was I trying to achieve? What problems was I trying to solve? Who was I trying to be? What was the life that I wanted to create for myself? How did Scientology become a solution to that?

More than anything else, this freed me enough to take a new perspective on what I learned in Scientology. It freed me enough to see the lies that I was told when I first got involved. It allowed me to see how I was manipulated and coerced by my vulnerabilities that they asked about, and I offered.

And from all that, I realized that the biggest mistake I made in getting so deeply involved in Scientology was not looking at or listening to ALL the information, both pro and con, about Scientology before I decided to define myself as a Scientologist.

But.

The other part of the equation was that things were different then. Not only was I different, but society was different, too. There was no Internet. There was no way to connect with people who had experience in such a little known thing as Scientology. The only sources of information were newspapers, magazines and TV news. And those were easily discredited in my mind because I was so rebellious at the time to anything that appeared supportive of my parent's worldview.

So, despite the bad press that Scientology had, I dove in. I figured that anything that was attacked this much by conservative society could not be all bad.

Well, that was a mistake. And that mistake was helped along by the Scientologists who were recruiting me. In fact, that idea above might have even been originated by them, but I certainly grabbed on to it, closed my eyes and dove in head first.

In other words, while my getting involved in Scientology was my own decision, it was not an informed decision. I did not have all the information necessary to make a truly valid, informed decision about my involvement.

I believe that had I known that I was being lied to when I first joined, that information would have effected the decisions I made as I got myself in deeper and deeper. Had I known that LRH was lying when he said that he was blinded and crippled after WWII, for instance, and that he had cured himself with Dianetics, would I have ever joined staff and worked for free for 7.5 years?

I seriously doubt it.

While half of the problem of my diving headlong into Scientology was my own fault, the environment I was in and the information available to me to make an informed decision also contributed to my mistake.

So, when I got out of Scientology, I decided that since the Internet existed now, it was possible to fix one half of the reasons for the mistake I made. I could help to ensure that the information was available to people to make an informed decision about their involvement in Scientology.

So I did. I wrote almost every single day about my involvement in Scientology.

Lately, I have been noticing that my involvement in this activity has been taking away from my own recovery from Scientology, and distracting me from creating my ideal life for myself. In the past few years, as this has become clearer and clearer to me, I have always responded to this perception by telling myself that it wasn't done yet. People haven't yet gotten it. I need to keep going until they do.

As with a lot of postulates, you can tend to keep going long after the first postulate has been achieved. You tend to forget the initial reason for your crusade, and think up others along the way to keep it going.

It is getting clearer to me that the information IS out there now. Any person who wants to check out Scientology now has all the information they need to make an informed decision as to their own involvement. Very few people are not going to know a lot of LRH's lies. (And if the information is there, and they simply, for their own emotional reasons, decide not to look at it, well, that's not my problem, is it?)

It's been dawning on me lately that not only has this end result been achieved, but when 8000 young people from all over the world stand outside churches of Scientology and protest its abuses and fraudulent claims, it is proof that it has succeeded. These people have also written brilliant internet movies, launched websites, called congressmen, law enforcement and media - all on their own.

And they even wonder from time to time what good I have done in this effort when they are dong so much more. And it's true - they are doing so much more than I ever did, and most other critics I know ever did.

My goal was to see to it that those who came after me would not have to make the same mistake I did. I wanted to make sure that people had enough information to make an informed decision about their involvement in Scientology, should they become interested in the subject as I did.

Well.

It is done.

With the rise of Anonymous, my goal has been achieved.

And now I even know what kind of life I am going to have outside the Church. It is the ideal life that I originally wanted to have by joining the church in the first place, and the very one that got derailed by becoming a Scientologist.

And so now that it is done, and now that my new life is available to me, I am not going to let Scientology distract me anymore from creating it.

I will be going into much more of a lurk mode here on this board and others from now on. I'll still stay in touch, because all the new friends I have made from doing this are really true friends - not like the ones who disconnect from you just because you disagree.

So I'm not leaving.

I am just acknowledging that the end result has been achieved.

It is done.

Alanzo

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