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Saturday, 22 December 2012
Suppressed Memories - Tamasin PDF Print E-mail
Moving on to October 2006.
 
I was out shopping one day with my family in the city and came across a crowd of people; we went over to have a look. I couldn't believe what I was seeing; I hadn't seen this for 35yrs. There were tables with e- meters on them and young people had members of the public trying out auditing on them.
 
 
I felt weird, my head felt like it was going to explode, and I could feel so much anger bubbling up inside of me. I wanted to scream and shout how they had destroyed my family. It was all I could do to control myself. I knew I couldn't cause a scene; my family would have wandered what on earth was wrong with me. They did notice something was wrong and they ushered me away.
 
 
I was livid, walking back to the car I felt sick, my emotions were all over the place, like a massive Brainwave. From that moment on I started having flash backs of my childhood, of my Mum and brothers and my Dad. Of the Sea Org, LRH and people I had known on the ship. The bad dreams started again on and off.
 
 
I decided I had to try and find my Family, starting with my Dad. I had no clue how to go about it, I’d never really used a computer before and it was suggested to me to try the internet.
 
 
I was astonished to find it was relatively easy to find him with what little bit of information I had. I managed to get hold of a social worker and give my details; she would then contact him and ask if he wanted contact with me. She wasn't convinced I had the right person.
 
 
A couple of days later she gave me a phone number, but was still doubtful I had the right person. Strangely enough I couldn't bring myself to phone straight away. I had been sleeping badly, continually having flash backs and my health was starting to decline. I was stressed out.
 
 
Finally I plucked up the courage, it was a very strained phone call, I wasn't 100% sure it was him. I even said” it is you aren’t it". I suppose after all this time; I couldn't believe it was real. He seemed pleased to hear from me, but guarded, as was I. We agreed that I would write him with the story of what happened to me and then he would reply with his side of things. He had suffered severe rheumatoid arthritis for 20+ years, but assured me he was much better now though disabled. He is actually very disabled though better than he'd been previously. Talking to him though at times was difficult, there was some very dark stuff there and it frightened me. All those years I had sort of blamed him for abandoning me, but I now knew it had definitely not been his fault.
 
 
In the meantime I started looking up Scientology on the internet. I was amazed at how much stuff was on there, I hadn't expected to find very much at all. I went on a Scientology site first and just could not believe the bull I was reading. Then I found Operation Clambake and my worst night mares were realised, as in Scientology was even worse than I had remembered, as if that wasn't bad enough.
 
When I found Lermanet.com I was even more horrified as I found stuff all about the occult and Hubbard, this was new to me, except for the fact that my Dad had told me they were all into the occult and kept going on about witches and the like. I found it really hard to digest this information from him, but there it all was in black and white. I had to find out what had happened to my Dad and family and spent hours pouring over everything I could find to see if I could find out the truth about what had happened to my Dad.
 
 
I went through lists and lists of people's names trying to trace my Mum and brothers, but no avail. I was shocked to find that as I had thought way back in"69" things in the Sea Org had gotten a lot worse, after I left. Much worse.
 
 
At this time I started to get ill, I was working really hard and totally driven to find out as much information on Scientology as I could. It was becoming increasingly difficult to get through the day. I was totally stressed out. More and more, I had flashbacks and dreams; I wasn't sleeping well, nightmares waking me up.
 
 
I was glad to be back in touch with my Dad, but the conversations left me more mixed up than ever. He didn't seem capable of giving me an answer as to why I had been left behind on the "Apollo" for all that time and why he hadn't come back and gotten me in Denmark. I tried to stay calm; I was far from calm though. I wrote him a really long letter telling him what had happened to me, but didn't get a reply or the answers I wanted.
 
 
Then I did a terrible thing, which I deeply regretted later. I phoned him up and completely lost control, crying and screaming into the phone "why had he abandoned me on that god forsaken ship in the med". It was a completely irrational thing to do, but I was so desperate for answers and I just wasn't getting any. At the time I knew my Dad was in a bad way, but actually had no idea how bad till much later. It was a terrible thing to do, and I hope he forgives me my out burst on that day. We ended the call on a better note, but I was far from satisfied. It was an act of desperation I was starting to feel like I was that little girl again, 38yrs after the event and it was as real now as it had been then.
 
 

 
A few months ago I went to visit my Dad, hadn't seen him for 30yrs. It was incredible I was quite nervous and I’m sure he was too. I'm so glad I went, it meant so much to him, and me, he kept holding my hand and it was very touching.
 
Its difficult to describe the emotion one feels, we both felt, after such a long separation and under such circumstances. Elation, mixed with deep sadness at what might have been if only............on a good note though we have a bond now, a bond that I don't think either of us ever thought possible.
 
 
I had last seen him when I was 19yrs old and although it was good to see him then it was very difficult, He was not the man I had remembered and was mentally very poorly. How much of that was down to being homeless after being put in Treason, I do not know. However, I do believe he was put through a tough time in the SO and to be forcibly disconnected from your child; never knowing if you would see them again must put a lot of stress on some one. I know how I would feel as a parent, and I also know how I felt as a child.
 
 
The worst thing is he felt he could do nothing about it, and he did try to come back for me and for his trouble was interrogated and then locked in a cupboard overnight. I know I have already covered this, but the more I think about this, the more appalled I am. How does a 'religion' do this and get away with it?
 
To me, because he’s' my Dad, it breaks my heart to think back on this, it matters not that it took place 38yrs ago. It should never have damned well happened at all.
This kind of thing should NEVER happen to anyone, and certainly not under the disguise of religion.
 
 
And that for me, as a child was a major trauma. Why would the most ETHICAL people on the planet lock my Dad in a cupboard and not let me see him. Not to mention the trauma my Dad must have gone through.
 
 
 
Some thing I’ve not written about before, I have a half sister, who I have not seen for 35/36 years.
 
 
She was born into Scientology, and has been a scieno all her life. Still is. I didn't really know how I felt about her, and the fact that she is a Scieno made me not want to have anything to do with her.
 
 
While I have been writing my story and also getting in touch with members of my family after all these years, some of which I didn't even know existed, an opportunity arose recently to meet with my sister. I had very mixed emotions about this, having heard she expressed a genuine excitement at us meeting up, I thought 'great’, let’s go for it. Sadly it wasn't to be.
 
 
However I did get to speak with her on the phone. The phone call was extremely emotional on both sides, and unfortunately we struggled to overcome our extreme differences on the subject of Scientology.
 
 
I did try to be diplomatic, and even said I would hear at some point her side of life as a Scieno. It is difficult for me to be anything but antagonistic towards a cult that screwed so badly with my life and that of my Dads.
 
 
Whenever Scieno was mentioned, she either cut me off, flat, or we agreed not to discuss it. We did agree though that she would phone and we would meet up, this has not happened. I'm left wandering about this call. Maybe she just changed her mind. That is fine, I can under stand that .Or maybe it was decided it was not a good idea to be talking to an ‘SP’, declared or not, I am one.
 
 
She also showed an interest in visiting our Father, somehow I doubt that will happen. She feels it was bad of him not to have any part in her growing up. When I tactfully tried to explain the reasons, I was interrupted immediately, because of course I would have had to speak of Scieno. On reflection of the call, I can see why she has not phoned back. I only hope she is not going through any crisis for having spoken to me, I genuinely would like to get to know her, and from what little we spoke I gathered she has had a difficult time, about things I won't speak of here.
 
Its' probably mean of me, and I don't intend for it to be but I would like her to visit our Dad, because I think it would shock her if she knew his story and also saw how he lives. Also I would like her to meet him because I think like myself she will regret it if she doesn’t take the opportunity while she can. And, it would make an old man very happy.
 
 
 
This is more about my Dad.
 
My Dad told me he was thrown overboard; he was a Bosun at the time. The thing is it wasn't at muster. He was just picked up and thrown over the side of the ship without any warning; he'd just been out shopping so he had his best civvies on. He says the significant thing about this is, he complained to LRH and the following day a P/L was written with the effect of saying that there were to be no over boardings unless a chit had been signed by the Commodore, also that it could only be carried out at muster.
 
 
What to me is interesting is I heard someone had been thrown overboard on the spur of the moment. However, I had no idea at the time that it was my Dad.
 
My Dad seems to think that it was in March of 1969 that he was put in Treason in AODK-Abellund. He came back for me around July/August time. He requested his possessions and wallet. He was told he could not have his possessions and that if he took his wallet and the money it contained he would be declared an SP. He didn't really have a choice. He was in a foreign country and had no money and could not get any work. I find it incredible, they (the Sea Org) wouldn't let him have contact with me, his child, and they wouldn't give him his clothes and declared him SP for taking his own money. What a nice ethical bunch of people.
 
 
 
News of the World 4/May/1969
 
I have just received a copy of the above Newspaper, the same one I read on the Apollo back in 1969.
 
According to the News of the World my Father was wanted as the main witness to an on going trial with regards the Disconnection policy of families. According to the paper my Dad was meant to be a Scientologist witness, but couldn't be found because he was on a ship somewhere. That is an outright lie.
 
 
He hadn't been on the ship for 5 months by that time, and Hubbard knew it.
 
Ironic really that he mysteriously disappeared out of the Sea Org and was disconnected from myself and I him.
 
 
This affected the bulk of my family.
 
 
I knew I was scared back then, re reading this makes me realise why I was so scared. I had every reason to be and so I imagine did my Father.
 
Both of us conveniently "Handled" and my Father "fair Gamed". Its' no wonder he was too afraid to get me out.
 
Tamasin
 

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