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Saturday, 22 December 2012
Suppressed Memories - Tamasin PDF Print E-mail
 
I mentioned I had another friend, she was also in her late teens and very good to me. We used to go off walking, discussing the strange goings on Apollo and in the SO in general. We laughed at the fact that if we told anyone on the outside they' think we were mad. I laughed but was scared at the same time. She left just before me.
 
 
Apart from bouncing on the trampoline and wondering the countryside, I was bored. It was decided I would do housekeeping duties .We had a top officer coming to stay and I was to sort out somewhere for him to sleep. It was drummed into me that he was to be given special treatment, but there was a lack of decent berthing and I put a bed in with the CO. You can imagine, the CO was not amused. He shouted at me and I don't remember where the officer slept in the end. I know I’d had enough. I spoke to this person via e-mail recently and he did apologise for any upset he caused me, which I did accept. He also said he looked at his time in the SO as a great adventure. Well that’s great for him, but I did not see my time there as an adventure. If only.
 
 
I don't remember where the idea came from to ask for a leave of absence to go and get an education. It struck me as a good way out. I wrote to LRH straight away. I have a feeling it was a talk with an officer friend of mine.
 
 
Determined to find my Dad at all cost. I wrote to my stepmother and asked if I could stay with her. She didn't know where my Dad was but agreed I could go. I thought if I could just get home, I’d find my DAD.
 
 
In the mean time, I got the shock of my life one day when a car came up the drive. It was my mum; I have never been so pleased to see someone in my whole life. I spent a couple of days with her and my brothers but much as I loved them, I had to find my Dad. So I declined the offer to stay with them. I was to regret that for a very long time. At the time though I had to get away from anything to do with Scientology and that meant leaving them. When you're only a kid and you’re frightened it is so hard to make decisions, let alone one of that magnitude. She even said 'you won't find your Dad you know' but by then I was convinced there was some sort of conspiracy to keep me from him.
 
 
It was all arranged, LRH had agreed I could have a leave of absence to go to school. I was supposed to come back when I’d finished schooling. To my horror, I couldn't believe who was in the car coming down the driveway; it was the MAA from Apollo. I thought I’m finished now. I avoided him at all cost.
 
 
We had a party, I don't remember why, but I spent the whole day helping in the kitchen. Moving furniture in the main office/reception area to make room for everyone, by this time we had quite a lot of students at the org. There was even a piano. We set up lots of food and it was quite good fun. The MAA (from Apollo) could play the piano and he was very good. It was a good event, until I met the MAA out in the hall. He caught me off guard and I was actually shaking. He told me he knew what I had done, but not to worry he wasn't going to tell any one. He knew I was going home and said there would be no point in telling anyone the things that had gone on in the SO as no one would believe me anyway. He said he'd had enough, it was all crazy. I never said a word, I was too afraid. I so badly wanted to confide in someone but I just knew it would be stupid to trust anyone. He left the next day, and I felt a lot better.
 
 
All that mattered was to get as far away from the Sea Org as I possibly could, it's all I could think about. So it came as a shock when I was told I had to go through a security check (sec check, as it was called). The thought of being connected up to the e-meter made me feel very nervous. I had always thought in my own mind that the e-meter could read your mind, a bit like God. It scared the hell out of me because the thoughts I was having were against the CofS and if it could tell what I was thinking, I was in big trouble.
 

 

 
I was told everything would be fine. I was holding the cans and was asked a series of questions; I don’t actually remember all of these questions, though I have seen a list of them recently. I just know I felt extremely uncomfortable at the time and when asked' if I felt any bad thoughts about Scientology and LRH' it must have had a read on the meter as I my hands were sweating and my worried mind was all over the place. Quite a few of the questions had me in a tizz. Some were repeated until the auditor was satisfied with my answers. Once I had lied a couple of times and gotten away with it, it struck me that this machine couldn't read my mind at all, it was all a load of rubbish. Still scared but gaining confidence I started letting my mind go blank instead of feeling guilty of my answers and then it was over. I had been asked about coming back when I’d gotten an education, of course I had no intention of ever going back, but he seemed happy enough when I said 'of course I’m coming back'. It was such a relief to get that over with.
 
 
The flight home was surreal. I felt sort of spaced out like it wasn't for real. My stomach was in knots. The air hostess was really nice and really looked after me. I sat next to a family who were great. They included me as part of the family for the journey and that was nice. The mother kept asking me lots of questions though which made me feel very uncomfortable, like 'where had I been', where were my parents'. I don't remember exactly what I said but I made up what I thought were acceptable stories. I knew the real story would sound so far fetched, it was crazy, and I genuinely believed people would think I was crazy if I told the real story.
 
 
Whist flying, my head was full of thoughts of the past, present and future. The main one being where was my Dad? Would I ever find him, I felt sure I would at the time. The family I was with insisted on seeing me off in a taxi, it was difficult to get away from them, I don't mean that unkindly. Its just they couldn't understand why at 10:00pm at night no-one was there to meet me. They wanted to phone someone for me. They were not happy at letting me go off like that unattended. Part of me wished I could stay with them 'a normal family' that’s what I wanted to be a part of more than anything in the world. They really seemed to care what became of me; it was very different from the world I had just left behind. I was 12yrs old when I left.
 
 

 
The taxi dropped me off in the middle of nowhere at 12:30 at night. I didn't have enough fare; fortunately he accepted all the kronar I had as well as English money. The lights were on in the house but no one was home, I began wondering what the hell I’d let myself in for. From one bad situation to another. Eventually my step mum appeared, she'd been at St. Hill. There was another lady with her, Eve, she owned the house. It was all fairly friendly and my misgivings subsided.
 
 
I was left at home on my own most days as my step mum was always at St. Hill. It was the summer holidays, so no school. One thing my step mum did for me that had never been dealt with was my teeth. Due to some strange notion my Dad had, with regards people being put out with gas to have teeth fixed. I had never been to the dentist. 2yrs in the SO without any one nagging me to brush my teeth and my teeth were a mess. I had to have 17 fillings, some were very big fillings and it took me days to recover from the effects of the gas. My mouth hurt like hell. I have suffered with my teeth all my life due to the neglect at an early age.
 
 
Going to school was awful; I was so far behind all the other kids in learning. What’s more I didn't want to be there, I didn't fit in and it was hard to settle into any kind of routine. I didn't catch the bus, even though it was a really long walk, being ridiculed for being a Scieno kid was more than I could cope with at that time. Out of school my step mum got me babysitting for other Scienos. I looked after a couple of boys. I didn't like that either but didn't have much say in the matter. Basically life sucked and I still did not find my Dad.
 
 
 
For a variety of reasons I am going to leave out a fair bit of my story here. I may come back to it at a later date.
 
 
I spent time in different homes, some worse than others. Over all though, all the other kids knew I was from a' home' and we were made to feel not as good as everyone else. As if we were not worthy of being accepted as the same as the rest of the human race. It was not a good feeling.
 
 
I finally got to live with a foster mother. She was quite old and pretty eccentric. Had a dog, cats and a duck that lived in the yard and swam in a baby bath. She was really nice and life seemed much better. I started yet another new school and slowly life picked up. But deep inside of me, was still this frustrated girl wondering why life had thrown such a lot of 'shit' her way. I was not a nice person, I hated all authority, I hated all adults, most of them any way. To me, adults lied, they didn't care and it seemed to me that adults just wanted to put me down all the time.
 
 
I had to see a social worker every couple months, he was quite nice but I felt like he was always probing, trying to get info out of me about Scieno and because I was so conditioned to not talking about it, I saw this as a threat to me. Years later I realised actually he had my interests at heart. I even wrote and told him so.
 
He was always trying to get me to go visit my step mum, because of Scientology that was the last thing I wanted to do. Eventually I caved in and spent a weekend with her. She cajoled me into going to the local Scieno org and once there tried to get me to go on the e-meter. I really lost it, exploded and shouted "I WOULD NEVER GO ON AN E-METER AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVED". The Scienos there looked at me in disbelief. I left the building, got my stuff and returned home without saying goodbye.
 
 
Shortly after that I received a wedding invitation from her. I didn't reply. Again my social worker kept trying to encourage me to go. I was not going.
 
I n the mean time I had a letter from Scientology asking me to go back as by now I was 15yrs old and should be finished with school. I lied and said I was staying on at school and doing more studies.
 
 
I received a reply saying I owed A ridiculous amount of $ if I didn't go back, as a freeloaders debt. A few weeks later I got another one. I was really worried about it, but told no one. My foster mother must have read these letters as next time my social worker came he asked me if I had received letters demanding money. He kept on about it, but I told him he was wrong. So frightened. When he left, I destroyed the letters and fortunately never heard from Scientology again.
 
How on earth can a so called 'church' demand money from children? WTF is that all about? I wish now I had kept those letters, but at the time I was scared stiff.
 
 

 
These are a few reflections of bits and pieces I had forgotten about or missed.
 
I said at the beginning I was in awe of Mary Sue. Her office was right by LRHs' and so I saw a lot of her, I don't know why but she never acknowledged my presence. ALL that time on the ship and she only smiled at me once, shortly after I boarded the ship and stroked her corgi. I can't explain what it was, but there was something not right. On the ship I had over heard conversations, I don’t remember any of these now. At the time they scared me.
 
 
A few years later when I was walking past a newsagent and saw a picture of Mary Sue on the front page, I went in and bought a copy. I was not surprised by what I read about the guardians office .I remember thinking 'I was right all along'. There was something seriously wrong with this organisation.
 
 
Suzette Hubbard was a friend on the ship, I really liked her. She was a really bubbly girl, full of fun.
 
 
Quentin was exactly as other people have described him, but with one difference when I knew him. He'd be going along the deck, being an aeroplane and then see me; his arms would drop to his side. We would be watching one another and then as he'd gone past his arms would go back up and he'd be gliding again. I don't think he realised I looked back round; it makes me smile to think of this. I was very saddened to hear what happened to him. He was a nice boy.
 
 
There are many things I’ve forgotten over the years, or they are just tiny glimpses and not enough to write about. Little things like the renaming of the Apollo, and how MSH let go of the champagne to hit the bow, only it took several attempts. Following LRH on one of his deck walks, he was talking about the' Wall of Fire'. I didn't have a clue what he was talking about, thought it was weird, and so didn't pay attention. Only recently have I got an inkling of what that was about. It’s still weird.
 
 
For me, phrases like 'you pulled it in' and 'handle it' were plain wrong. How can a child be an 'adult' in a little body? They can't and shouldn't be expected to be. A child looks up to adults to guide them through to adulthood. Yes, that child will make mistakes and learn from them, with or without parental guidance. However, a child shouldn't have to raise themselves, with little or no guidance the child isn't equipped to face all the challenges life throws at them. It can be a long road to recovery.
 
 
Recently I went to a talk, given by a woman who was a WW1 child evacuee. What surprised me the most was how similar it was for some children to being in the SO. This lady’s' story was in some ways not unlike my own. I found it very helpful in coming to terms with my own experiences.
 
 
You’re wondering if I ever found my Dad? It took a long time and I did, but that’s another story.
 
 
 
Just a few things I had forgotten about.
 
 
I think we were still in Corfu, so it would have been 68.
 
Three men were locked up in what I can only recall as being cattle stalls.
I only knew one of them well, a tall man with dark curly hair, can't remember his name. He was a really nice man; I was very upset at the time and couldn't believe he had been put in a condition of treason. Apparently they had been found with drugs in their cabin. I can't say whether it was true or not, but that was the rumour going round. I remember the incident specifically because I was upset because I was not allowed to talk to him and usually we chatted. He could tell my discomfort, and said' I was not to worry, it was alright that I couldn't talk to him' and smiled. This made me feel a little better.
 
 
I never saw him again; all three were thrown off the ship.
Whenever people 'disappeared', (i.e.; they weren't there any more, because of some condition they were put in) it always seemed to happen at night when no one was around, we heard about it afterwards.
 
Which reminds me of a woman who was Nanny to the little kids? Unfortunately I don't remember her name either but she was plump, with long blonde hair, which naturally fell in ringlets. Again she was a very nice, friendly woman, but one morning I was told to help out with the little kids because she had been thrown off the ship in the night.
 
We were told she had been caught suckling one of the little boys, Billy I think his name was. As far as I know she had no milk, and at the time I had trouble believing that of her. I didn't really know what to think. It was a difficult thing for an 11yr old to understand. So I have no idea if it was true or not, but it is true that, that’s what we were told.
 
 
In the earlier days I do remember LRH going on about World War 111. It was at the same time he kept on about WOGS. To me it was frightening and against my view of the world. When he spoke about War, it was as if it was going to happen really soon. Of course it didn't. But it was yet another thing to worry about back then
On reflection, that man, LRH, really spoke some shit. It frightened the hell out of me.
 
And they called it saving' mankind.' It sure as hell didn't save me.
 
 
 
The Apollo was a disaster waiting to happen; it always astonishes me that it didn't sink. At least one life boat to my knowledge was not useable. No one could get it to move.
 
 
Also, I think we had left Bizerte, when we hit a storm, the ship was rolling about and it was very scary. Especially knowing very few people had any experience of being at sea. I remember LRH shouting a lot and me constantly running back and forth to the engine room, including a fair amount of shouting down a tube thing, that goes directly down to the engine room. Can't remember what it’s called. It was frantic on the bridge that night. What with the wind and rain lashing down. I seem to recall we were having some engine trouble. By the end of the night I was so seasick, I thought I was dying anyway, it never occurred to me we might have drowned. But thinking back it would certainly have been a possibility; Apollo was not properly sea worthy.
 
 
I hadn't been there that long and I remember a man being put in a lower condition, on an upper deck and sneaking food up to him, with another messenger. The cook had asked us to. He was very grateful. He was rubbing down woodwork at the time. We were not supposed to talk to him, but we did.
 
 
I also remember going on deck one day and hearing a lot of banging and thumping about, some one shouting. I never saw who it was. Just heard them, I was told they'd gone mad and were locked in the cabin for their own good. The person was there for several days. At the time I did accept the explanation. Later on I realised that was probably more B/S.
 
 
Too many bad things happened on that ship, like the little girl locked in what I now know to be the chain locker, dirty crying hysterically, covered in snot. I can still picture her now; it’s a frightening and terrible thing to happen to any one let alone a young child. God knows how long she was there. And where were her parents? You would think someone, anyone, would have done something to stop that kind of abuse. But NO, no one did.
 
 
 
Auditing was something I never used to fully understand, on occasions I had to find people to deliver a message to, or give an order from LRH. I would look through the window into the dining room, which was full of people in session. Always struck me as a bizarre practice, people hooked up to tin cans. Always very quiet and everyone very intent on what they were doing. I never interrupted, it was enough to look through the window and an auditor would come out and see what I wanted. It was one of the things that was considered to be highly important and confidential. You didn't mess with the Auditors, and my impression at the time was they considered themselves highly superior beings, compared to crew.
 
 
I think it was the first Xmas we were there, not sure if it Xmas or New Year. I may be wrong, but it’s the only big party I remember there being, while I was there. Lots of dancing and music. I was just there, funny how events like that were so few and haven't really stayed in my mind because all the horrors and abuse left the deepest impressions, and are the memories that don't go away. There was another event too; everyone was on the decks, waiting for a big announcement or something, and lots of cheering. Again it’s a very vague memory.
 
 
The title of the book' Messiah or Madman' by Bent Cordon to my mind is a very apt description. When LRH did his walk abouts on the decks and stopped to talk to students on warm evenings, the faces of the students had a balmy look about them, enraptured by the Stories LRH told. I just thought it was a load of gobbledygook. Seems I was right.
 
 
One thing I did whilst on ship was to read the' Hobbit’; it was the one thing that took me away from reality and into another realm of fantasy, not the science fiction I was living. I remember being told I wasn't supposed to have a book like that so I kept it hidden.
 
 
There was a man (an Officer) who used to come and see LRH, he would ask if it was alright to knock on his office door, and I said NO, He doesn't want to be disturbed. Those had been my orders. But this officer bold as brass, would say 'he'll see me' and I would think ‘Hell, wait for the fireworks'. The next thing you'd know LRH would be shouting, but he did this on more than one occasion and it always astonished me that he stood up to LRH like that. I never saw anyone else do that.
 
One thing that always astonished me was the endless telexes that came out of the telex room, which was a tiny little space, barely room for a man to sit in there. Much of the communication that came out of there was from St, Hill and that’s how I know that LRH saying he didn't have anything to do with St. Hill any more is a lie. Masses of communication went to and fro from the Apollo to St. Hill and vice versa. And from what I could make out, a lot of it was to do with the GO (guardians Office).
 
It was all kept top secret of course and I had no idea what was really going on.
 
 
 
A strange thing that happened between 13 and 15yrs of age was I would be sitting in a chair, or even standing up and I couldn't move the lower part of my body, it was paralysed, only for a few moments but it was scary. I had it checked out but I think the Doctor thought it was all in my head. All I know is it went on for quite a long time and I never knew when it would happen, it took me by surprise.
 
 
In the last year of being in the Sea Org I slept badly, always having bad dreams.
Reflecting on the daily goings on the ship and later about my Dad and stuff like that. When I left these dreams still occurred, by the time I was 15 and after the overdose they shifted. Instead of being about the SeaOrg they were more like falling down a large black hole or falling from a great height and they were so real, I woke up covered in sweat and it was like it was really happening.
 
 
Then I had a very odd dream, like a bad versus good dream, it was a real battle all night. At the time I was going out with a boy who later became my 1st husband.
The dream was about him, but he kept fading away and being replaced by someone else, even with a name, totally different looks and complete opposite. I fought this, in my sleep. I know this sounds silly. But I had this dream for a few nights, so it was firmly printed in my mind. About 7yrs later there was the dream. Talk about dejavous. His was one of many dreams that were similar, and then went on to be reality.
 
Another specific one happened many years later, I was on a plane on my own. The next day when I woke up, I kept telling myself it had to be when I came back after leaving Scientology. But I knew it wasn't cos I was a lot older. The plane was full of men, and me. Three years later deja vous, I was on an emergency trip on a plane full of soldiers. It felt really spooky.
 
 
When these dreams became reality it scared the hell out of me. Because I knew I had been there before, it wasn't imagination, I really wished it was. Bit like the Scieno saga, I never told anyone, because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Talk about off the wall, strange as I’ve said once before, all I ever wanted was to be normal. I had a pre conceived idea of "Normal" and I sure as hell was not it. With my background and lack of family it was hard to fit in. I did have friends, but I found it hard to get close to people. Lack of trust was a major issue, especially adults; they let me down Big time! In fact, all authority I saw as a threat to my survival.
 
 
I left school at 15 with no qualifications, worked in a factory for 3 weeks, absolutely hated it and then worked in a bakery. That was ok. I had actually started working at age 13yrs, weekends and all school holidays as being in care, it was the only way to be able to buy clothes and try and keep up with my friends. I still didn't know where my father was and I would often take out the letter he had sent me when I was 13, the one with ducks on. One day I was really upset, reading the letter and tore it into tiny pieces. Angry and hurt because he wasn't there. I regretted it, almost as soon as I had done it, but it was too late. I seem to recall I did this after I got my free loaders debt from Scientology. I was a very angry child at 15, far more than my own kids at the same age.
 
 
 
 
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