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Saturday, 22 December 2012
Suppressed Memories - Tamasin PDF Print E-mail
I’ve been thinking about my family much of the time, lately.
It reminded me of a time I was on the bridge (Royal Scotsman).
LRH asked me, 'How I liked being a messenger' (or words to that effect).
I said "I did like my job (hat as the term would of been), but I missed my family".
He replied with ‘your family will be fine, you need to concentrate on the group',
He looked irritated with me. At the time it caused me great conflict, I kept thinking
"How can family not be important" after all this was a 'father' talking wasn't it?
Aged 11yrs - Utterly 'CONFUSED'
Now-Totally 'Pissed Off'
How can anyone say 'FAMILY' isn't 'IMPORTANT!
In fact I’d say 'THEY' are more 'IMPORTANT' than anything else in the world!
Unless you’re in a CULT.
So far much of my story is full of the horrors of life on board the Apollo, and that is how it was.
Friendships were formed during these times that were truly lasting. You never forget the people that meant so much to you when going through hard times, I remember them like it was yesterday and there will always be a soft spot in my heart for some of the friends I made on the ship.
One friend in particular, well actually two kept me going through a very tough ordeal. Two of us were in the cargo hold in a condition of liability.
In Scientology there are a list of 'conditions' assigned for either being upstat, at the top of the list or the lower conditions for mistakes made or bad behaviour. These being Liability, Doubt, Enemy or the last one Treason where a person is declared 'SP' (Suppressive person).
The Liability formula: a person has to do physical degrading work, followed by a write-up of the actions completed for each step of the formula. Then you have to ask permission to rejoin the group, by gaining signatures of said group. There are 'Yes' and 'No' columns. If the majority of the signatures are in the 'No' column the person has to redo the entire formula until the majority of the group have signed the 'Yes' column.
In the cargo hold it was dark, smelly and dirty. Being children and initially not realising what we were in for, we tried to make it fun at first. It was not fun, and we were reminded of the fact. We cleaned and scrubbed and chipped.
I don't recall how long we were down there but I know it was at least one night, because we slept side by side, sitting up. I’m sure it was longer, I know we were freezing, tired, hungry and filthy by the time we were allowed out.
The only ray of 'Sunshine’, was at the top of the ladder. An officer sitting at a desk, with a lovely smile. That smile kept me going.
Feeling so miserable and finding we then had a write up to do was awful and I didn't know what to write, it took ages. By far the hardest part was acquiring the signatures. It was so degrading and when someone wouldn't sign it, it was really hard. (I met that person a while ago, and I want them to know there are no hard feelings now).
From that point on, I trusted no one on that ship and knew I had to get the hell off. I was at my lowest and didn't want any part of scientology any more. It sucked -big time. It was to be a few months before I achieved my goal.
These snippets are really about a great lady I used to know on the ship, it wasn't until a couple of years later while reflecting, that I realised she had cared for me and took me under her wing, so to speak.
There was a fire drill, all hands on deck. The life boats had to be lowered, one lifeboat wouldn't move. Some crew members were getting hot and bothered trying to lower the boat over the side. Never dawned on me at the time, but on reflection, scary stuff, n an emergency at sea and the lifeboat can't be lowered.
One boat was lowered and we had to climb down a rope ladder into the boat. Many crew including children had gone down, with my fear of heights and it being about 30/40ft down, I panicked. In fact I got quite hysterical, so Molly (not her real name) was very patient and kind trying to coax me down the swinging rope ladder. All the while Molly was looking around worried and explaining' I had to calm down or could get into trouble'. Finally I sobbed my way down the ladder, to a big applause from the rest of the crew. Thankfully I never had to repeat the exercise.
Another time, we were at sea in a big storm, the ship was heaving about; rain was lashing down, the wind ferocious. I t was night time and I was on the bridge with LRH. It was really busy that night running back and forth to the engine room and looking for various crew, trying to keep my balance whilst out on the deck. LRH was shouting a lot, it was a tough night to be on the bridge.
At around midnight, in the middle of delivering a message I felt very ill and was found by Molly, crawling round the deck, throwing up. I had tried to throw up over the side, but it was difficult to hold on and not get swept overboard. Molly sent me to bed and said she would sort it out with LRH. I was worried about what he would say, but I was too ill to worry too much. The following day was calm, with a blue sky; it was mid afternoon before I felt better.
In Corfu we were having the official renaming of the ships. The messengers were measured up for uniforms. We were to have a big parade on the dock, with Greek dignitaries coming. We all had to look smart. Our uniforms came, but my skirt was missing. Molly kindly lent me one of hers. It was very long and she said I could sew the hem up, but I was not to cut the bottom off. I had never sewn before and after a couple of attempts and having this thick tuft of material at the bottom of the skirt I unpicked my sewing and cut the bottom of the skirt off. Unfortunately I cut off too much. Stupid really but I didn't think Molly would notice, she kinda told me off, but was smiling. I did feel really bad though. On the day of the parade, I spent the whole time trying to pull my skirt down, it was a micro mini. So much for looking smart.
Over the years I’ve often thought of Molly, wondered how long she stayed in the sea org. I hope where ever she is, she's happy.
On reflecting back in time its' hard to think some of the nicest, kindest people I knew, were a part of what was one of the worst periods of my life. All victims of ironically, saving the planet.
I say "one of the worst periods of my life" and in many ways it was, but there were some good times too. A few reflections here.....
While at sea, watching dolphins swimming along with the ship, a wonderful sight. One time, a submarine could be seen surfacing out of the water fascinating to watch.
The messengers had cabins facing one another, and we would all congregate in one and chat, laugh and just hang out and have fun.
While anchored off Gibralta, i was part of a shore party to go and get some supplies. We went by catamaran, quite a thrilling experience with the spray off the sea splashing us.
My favourite place was Corfu, whether that’s because we were there for a long period, and I became more familiar with the scenery I’m not sure. The dock itself was pretty basic but the view up in the hills was lovely. The town very picturesque, a mixture of both modern (for the time) and old. I loved to see some the people dressed in old traditional costumes Men with white baggy pantaloons, white jackets and fez type hats. Strange pointy shoes and nearly all the men wore a moustache. They also had colourful sashes over their jackets. The people were very laid back, wizened old women all dressed in black, wearing head scarves was another common sight and always fascinated me and the people of Corfu were very friendly.
One night out in a restaurant there was Greek dancing and kazoo playing and lots of plate smashing, we joined in, fantastic fun. Near the dock there was a cafe /bar with tables outside, where many of the crew congregated some nights when on libs. There was always a slow cooking carcase on a spit. It tasted good until the rumour went round that it was dog. I never found out whether there was any truth to the rumour, thankfully.
When us girls went ashore by ourselves we had a great time browsing in all the little quaint shops, one shop I had a fascination with was a taxidermist and I actually bought a fox skin complete with head. Now, I can't for the life of me think what I was thinking at the time. How horrible!
Something I used to do that I don't think anyone was aware of; when I had been on a late shift, most of the ship was eerily quiet, most crew asleep in bed. I'd finish work, really hungry. I'd go to the galley and help myself to bananas and sometimes ice-cream out the freezer. I felt quite guilty at the time, butt I was hungry and needs must.
As I’ve already said I didn’t' get to spend much time with my Dad, in fact none of the children spent a lot of time with their parents. A memorable occasion was when my Dad took me to see 'Finnians Rainbow' at the cinema. A truly magical film. We walked back to the ship in the dark, munching chips and chatting. I remember this in particular, because shortly after this he went away on a mission, and unbeknown to me at the time, I wasn't going to be seeing him again for a very long time.
On the dock in Corfu, we awoke one morning to see loads of horses, pretty mangy beasts by and large but the children on ship were thrilled. We went down and stroked them and even had rides. The horses were there for a few days, rumour had it they were to be shipped to another island for meat. We children were sad to see them go.
There was a Russian submarine berthed next to Apollo at one point, some of us messengers got to go on board and have a look around. We dressed in our dress uniforms, good PR. The Russian sailors were very straight faced, didn't speak a word of English and all us messengers could do was giggle. I don't know what they must have thought of us. It was very amusing.
My Dad told me he was only going away for a few weeks, 2-3 at most. I was upset, but thought 2-3 weeks would go by quickly, I could cope. He never came back.
Shortly after this was when my friend and I were put in 'liability' (I’ve already covered this). After the liability, I asked my ' ray of Sunshine' officer friend when my Dad would be back, she said she'd try to find out. She was very kind and as helpful as she could be, but I always got the feeling she knew more than she could tell me. Although I understood why she couldn't divulge any information at the time, it left me feeling miserable.
I got on with my job and everything, but I was far from happy. Then we left Corfu. We were ordered out by the Greek government. I was sad, I really liked Corfu, and it was yet another blow. I had no idea what the future held for me, and I didn't want to be on the ship any more. I wanted to know where the hell my Dad was, and no one was going to tell me. I became more and more depressed and trusted no one.
We sailed to Lisbon, Portugal.
One day a boy I knew came into the messenger’s office with a news paper, he told me to read it as it was about my family. He guarded the doorway while I read it, telling me 'don't let anyone see you'. The report was all about LRH and Scientology in England, the ship was mentioned also. To my amazement there was a bit about my grandmother also, complaining about how Scientology had taken a hold of her children and one of them had disconnected from her. Also how she didn't know where her son and grand daughter were. I remember whispering” I’m here nana". Reading that paper was quite a shock and I knew that what I had been thinking for some time was right, I had to get off this ship.
I didn't want to be a pest, but asked my officer friend as often as I dared, for news of my Dad. There was no news. So then I asked if I could go and join him, where ever he was. She said she would see what she could do. By this time I had taken to spending a lot of time in the cabin by myself, this hadn't escaped the attention of the MAA.
The MAA (Master at Arms) on the ship was a tall skinny guy with a large moustache, Swedish. He was the equivalent of the ships police. I felt extremely intimidated by him and I guess having watched him throw so many people overboard, I had every right to feel the way I did.
By this time, after reading the newspaper, conversations I over heard and observing things going on, on board the ship, young as I was I knew something was definitely not right.
Because of the newspaper I found myself flicking through the Mail for LRH, mainly trying to find any news with regards my Father. One day I found the very thing I had been dreading, an ethics chit with my name on it, asking permission to throw me over board. I was terrified, no way was that going to happen if I had any say in it, which of course I didn't. I stuffed the chit in my pocket, went to the toilets, tore the chit into tiny pieces and flushed it away. I was worried it wouldn't flush, fortunately it did.
By now I knew I would be leaving in a few days to be with my Dad. I was worried sick that I would get found out and not be allowed to go, I didn’t know what would happen to me if I was found out but I feel sure it would not have been good. Full of guilt about what I had done and the prospect of getting caught, I avoided the MAA as best I could, if I saw him coming my way I headed off in the opposite direction. I was a nervous wreck. If I could just get off the ship.
The day finally came for me to go, saying goodbye to my friend and cabin mate was difficult, I felt bad because I couldn't risk telling her things I normally would have, I just couldn't. So far all was going to plan. As I headed towards the gangplank I saw the MAA staring at me. I expected him to call out 'STOP that girl' or something, but he didn't. I could barely breathe properly through fear of being stopped. Finally we were in the taxi and away it was such a relief.
My travelling companions were two men and two young children, whom I was expected to care for on the journey. We were heading for Denmark (the 1st AODK) It was a long journey by train and ferry. I remember the ferry in particular as there was a buffet on a large table. I had never seen so much food and when I found out we could eat as much as we wanted, I went back again and again for more. At some point we split up and one man went off with the children, I never knew whose children they were or what became of them, I have often wondered.
We finally arrived at Abellund, a farm outside of Copenhagen. I knew something was wrong the minute I arrived as I was whisked away in a car for a drive. I was told my Dad was not there. He had been put in a condition of 'Treason' and declared an 'SP'. I was devastated. I didn't understand. I didn't know what to think. It was a cruel blow. All of the journey I had been getting excited at the prospect of being reunited with my father. Now nothingness.
It really hurt a lot, like being kicked in the gut, the pain was unbearable and to this day all these years later it still hurts. No one has the right to part a child from their family unless there is a damn good reason. It is a child’s 'RIGHT' to be with their parents. I was never given a good reason, I was was only told 'he’s' in a condition of Treason, he’s' Suppressive. Well I say to any CofS members either 'in' or 'thinking of coming out', or any one who is reading this: What HUMAN RIGHT is it that deprives a child of their family members .A group who promote 'Happy Families'. It was certainly not the case for my family and I know it was not the case for many families.
Disconnection from family in my eyes is one of the worst 'abuses' of 'HUMAN RIGHTS' anyone can inflict on another human being. It has to 'STOP'.
Yes, I cried a lot at the fact my Father wasn't there, but mostly when no one could see me. I learnt on the ship to try and keep emotions in check. Showing emotion was would give the impression I was not part of the group. For survival one had to be part of the group.
At abellund life was much more relaxed than on the ship and very little was expected of me. The people there were very friendly; I think they felt sorry for me. However, I didn't want sympathy, I wanted my Father.
Life goes on and I made the best of a bad situation. The cook often invited me into the kitchen, we would chat and munch on homemade bread or cookies she'd baked. Her son who was in his late teens was really nice and would make me laugh.
There were several buildings there, the main one being a large old farmhouse which was the centre of activity for the CofS. There were smaller houses which were accommodation for the staff; the buildings were set around a large lawn. On the lawn near the accommodation building was a large trampoline; I spent much of my time on the trampoline. It kept me going.
I slept in a room on the ground floor of the Accommodation building; there were several beds in the dorm. Shortly after I arrived a group of Swedish girls came, one or two may have been Danish, and they were great, really happy fun people. They were in their late teens, early 20s. We shared the dorm. I loved having them around. They were getting ready to go to the Apollo. They kept asking me questions about the ship; they were so excited about going. I really wanted to say "don't go, its not how you think, it will depress you, crush your spirit, take away the love of life." But I couldn't tell them. That would have made me PTS. Can't go around being PTS now can we?
One girl in particular couldn't understand my reluctance to talk about the ship, it should have been a warning, but it wasn't. I felt really bad about not telling them the reality of life on board the Apollo, sadly they must have found out for themselves. It is hard to forgive oneself, having not tried to prevent harm befalling another person/s. When those girls left for the ship, it was very lonely. It reminded me of when the Athena went off exploring and some people I was very fond of went I felt lonely then; some people in life give one a reason to keep going on.
The dorm was empty now except for me.
I had a couple of friends who were good friends in very different ways. One was not anything to do with Scieno. She stayed with the farmer sometimes. She lived in an out house, just a mattress on the floor, with a blanket, barely room to lay down stretched out. She was Danish and a drug addict. I don't know what drugs she took but sometimes she was relatively normal and other times so spaced out I hadn't a clue what she was talking about. We spent a lot of time on the trampoline together, and when jumping she would take off a small pouch that she wore round her neck, told me never to look inside. Her drugs were kept in it. One time I went to see her and she was in a very bad way, shivering and sweating, her speech was incomprehensible. I was very worried about her and suggested I got some help, but she would have none of it. The next day I went to see her again but she'd gone and I never saw her again.
I still didn't have any schooling, still no family but I was allowed to phone an old friend in England that cheered me up a bit.
One morning I got up and was told my Dad had been there the night before. I was told he'd gone again. I asked why no one had come and woken me up. I was told 'you know the rules, you can't see him'. I was expected to just accept this. ACCEPT THIS? Well, silently I did but there was no way I was going to accept this. I asked where he'd spent the night and was told he'd been locked in the cupboard under the stairs in the main building. How could people do this I couldn't understand, it was not right, it was not right at all.
I heard the ethics officer boasting (I say boasting, because he was laughing and joking as if he'd had a really good time) about what a night they'd had 'bull baiting' my Dad, when the ethics officer realised I was behind him listening, he shut up and walked off. I was horrified and very upset. Again I showed little emotion. Don't let them know they are ripping your heart out.
I knew my Dad had come back for me, and thought he must be still around somewhere waiting for me. The farm was surrounded by countryside and I was determined to find him. When I managed to get away on my own I started scouring the fields looking and calling him. I was so sure he would be there somewhere. He was no where to be seen and by then I broke down, I was crying and screaming out his name but he never came. I kept thinking he must have gone to get help, perhaps he would come back with the police. But nothing. It was gone dark before I gave up that day. I searched for several days before finally giving up. I had to find away of getting away from there, but how?
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